Your friendly neighbourhood Mod - Sonofzeal

[sonofzeal]

Hey there! I'm Sonofzeal, otherwise know as Zeal. A very few people refer to me as "John", but I tend to put a damper on that, even in meatspace. I've semi-recently graduated from university with a degree in Computer Science and Mathematics, and my focus is in Simulation Design and the mathematical modelling of music.

As far as asexuality goes, I'm what I refer to as "demisexual". I do experience sexual attraction, but extremely rarely and only when there's a deep emotional bond already - in my entire life, I can only remember being sexually attracted to three people, and even then it's only an occasional blip.

As for modding, I always check through the forum at least once (usually twice) per day, even if I go for weeks without posting. I have a lot of fondness for AVEN, and when things are running well there often seems little reason for me to post, but rest assured that I will be on it like peanutbutter on jam (with some purple bananas sliced in) if something bad is happening.

If any of you have any questions for me, or just want to chat, feel free to post in this thread. My door is always open! =D

[Seeking_Solutions]

I'm new to this site... just registered today and came across it yesterday.

The reason I'm posting here is well, first my curiosity enticed me to read this and also, you sound exactly like how my current boyfriend is. ^.^ I know there is a term for it now... but anyway, I've posted in the welcome forum as well as put a very brief summarization of my story in this forum section but, I'm interested to see if you have any insight seeming you and my significant other sound so similar as far as with what I suppose can be refered to as demi-sexuality? [Forgive me, I'm just a newbie XP]

I don't know exactly what to call myself other than what I recently called myself which was "a sexual asexual", if that makes any sense... haha. I feel like intercourse is mainly for child-bearing but enjoy psuedo-sexual experiences with someone I've had an on-going emotional and romantic bond with... I feel like physical interaction is a means of progressing an already strong relationship and nothing more.

Just so you don't have to hunt down my topics I started, I will give the basics of what I mainly came to AVEN for... somewhat recently [well, about 2 months ago] my boyfriend told me he wanted to try some psuedo-sexual type things and we had been together and going strong for 6-7 months prior to this and I love him deeply, so I was all for it.

I was at his place for a week and a half or so and during that time we had been "exploring" and both enjoyed it but then sometime after I got home, during one of our phone conversations, he informed me that he didn't really want physical interactions in the future even though he enjoyed them.

I, of course, couldn't help but feel hurt even though I knew better than to feel that way... because I took it as him not being as connected and comfortable with me as he thought and that our relationship did a bit of a rewind, then pause effect. I've tied to deny this for about 2 months now and have finally decided that it isn't fair to do so so I'm seeking ways to bring up this topic without crossing any boundaries by accident or making him feel as though I'm trying to force anything upon him, because I never would do that. I also wonder if we could find some kind of balance to where we are both fairly comfortable... like some physical interaction, but not a lot and nothing too intense?

Hopefully I'm not bugging you.. Ha ha... you just seem a lot like him and so open and friendly that I thought I'd give it a shot ^,^ I am the only person he's even had a slight sexual attraction toward and so for that I should feel really great about that alone, and I'm thankful but I just want us both to be happy. I love him very much <3

[sonofzeal]

I'm new to this site... just registered today and came across it yesterday.

The reason I'm posting here is well, first my curiosity enticed me to read this and also, you sound exactly like how my current boyfriend is. ^.^ I know there is a term for it now... but anyway, I've posted in the welcome forum as well as put a very brief summarization of my story in this forum section but, I'm interested to see if you have any insight seeming you and my significant other sound so similar as far as with what I suppose can be refered to as demi-sexuality? [Forgive me, I'm just a newbie XP]

I don't know exactly what to call myself other than what I recently called myself which was "a sexual asexual", if that makes any sense... haha. I feel like intercourse is mainly for child-bearing but enjoy psuedo-sexual experiences with someone I've had an on-going emotional and romantic bond with... I feel like physical interaction is a means of progressing an already strong relationship and nothing more.

Just so you don't have to hunt down my topics I started, I will give the basics of what I mainly came to AVEN for... somewhat recently [well, about 2 months ago] my boyfriend told me he wanted to try some psuedo-sexual type things and we had been together and going strong for 6-7 months prior to this and I love him deeply, so I was all for it.

I was at his place for a week and a half or so and during that time we had been "exploring" and both enjoyed it but then sometime after I got home, during one of our phone conversations, he informed me that he didn't really want physical interactions in the future even though he enjoyed them.

I, of course, couldn't help but feel hurt even though I knew better than to feel that way... because I took it as him not being as connected and comfortable with me as he thought and that our relationship did a bit of a rewind, then pause effect. I've tied to deny this for about 2 months now and have finally decided that it isn't fair to do so so I'm seeking ways to bring up this topic without crossing any boundaries by accident or making him feel as though I'm trying to force anything upon him, because I never would do that. I also wonder if we could find some kind of balance to where we are both fairly comfortable... like some physical interaction, but not a lot and nothing too intense?

Hopefully I'm not bugging you.. Ha ha... you just seem a lot like him and so open and friendly that I thought I'd give it a shot ^,^ I am the only person he's even had a slight sexual attraction toward and so for that I should feel really great about that alone, and I'm thankful but I just want us both to be happy. I love him very much <3

Well, I'll try to tell you what I can, but the only person who can really answer your questions is your boyfriend. You need to start communicating with him! Only he can tell you what he's going through, why he said that, what he likes, and what he can tolerate. And that's the only way to make any progress here.

That said, it seems entirely likely to me that your boyfriend doesn't associate sex and intimacy. I know that when I found AVEN, sex and intimacy were very closely tied for him, and I had a hard time imagining intimate relations without sex at some point. But, the longer I spent here, the more that association weakened, and now I'm fine with the idea. After all, there's so many other intimate things you can do with a partner, and sexual contact is just one manifestation. Are the other ways you can express that same intimacy?

Things that I've found helped intimacy without sexual contact - cuddling and reading a book together, watching a sunset/sunrise, going exploring and getting lost, buying a shared pet (but start small - goldfish or mice), writing a story together, teaching eachother something the other's good at, composing silly little poems to eachother ("lillies are white / violets are blue / yoda was right / awesome are you"), and others. Find other ways to express those feelings, and you won't be disappointed. :)

[Seeking_Solutions]

Thanks very much for the insight and knowledge.... it is the most helpful bit of information I have recieved thus far being on AVEN! ^,^ I'm definetly going to talk to him about it... I feel like gathering all my thoughts and ideas and everything I want to communicate onto paper but having him read it in person while I go do something and give him time to let it sink in and think about it is the best way.... telling him online doesn't seem right, neither does sending the letter and not being available to talk to when he is ready to talk about it... and a phone conversation is not a good idea, nor verbally in person because I might not think of everything I want to say or I may get nervous.

As a side note... the silly poem thing was cute. I like it! ^,^ And perhaps you ar right... being intimate isn't about sexual contact or anything other than being close and together doing something you can enjoy together... who knows, maybe that is exactly what he is feeling now... that even though he didn't find those things to be unpleasurable, he'd rather find other ways of intimacy more along the lines of what you are saying... if this is the case, I can definetly do that... anything he is comfortable with. Thank you so much!

[sonofzeal]

Thanks very much for the insight and knowledge.... it is the most helpful bit of information I have recieved thus far being on AVEN! ^,^ I'm definetly going to talk to him about it... I feel like gathering all my thoughts and ideas and everything I want to communicate onto paper but having him read it in person while I go do something and give him time to let it sink in and think about it is the best way.... telling him online doesn't seem right, neither does sending the letter and not being available to talk to when he is ready to talk about it... and a phone conversation is not a good idea, nor verbally in person because I might not think of everything I want to say or I may get nervous.

As a side note... the silly poem thing was cute. I like it! ^,^ And perhaps you ar right... being intimate isn't about sexual contact or anything other than being close and together doing something you can enjoy together... who knows, maybe that is exactly what he is feeling now... that even though he didn't find those things to be unpleasurable, he'd rather find other ways of intimacy more along the lines of what you are saying... if this is the case, I can definetly do that... anything he is comfortable with. Thank you so much!

Awesome, sounds like a plan. :)

And yes, that might well be what he's feeling right now. He might also have been responding physically but not mentally/emotionally. I don't know the details of the situation, but not all males find arousal or release inherently pleasurable or "worth it". It's usually a safe assumption with most people, but with asexuals you should be sensitive to that, and not jump to conclusions based purely on automatic physical responses. But, hey, once communication starts you should be able to clear things like this up, either way.

Best of luck! And tell me how it goes!