Anyone available to chat? :(

[foreversomeday]

My fiance looked in my history and found this site and is now freaking out. He's not home right now and I can only text him. Help? If anyone has yahoo messenger can you PM me?

[Starscream]

So, he was spying on you.

[foreversomeday]

I suppose you could say that.

[ghosts]

I'll move this to Q&A - maybe more people will see this there.

-ghosts, Relationships mod

[demi-fox]

I'm a little confused... why would he be freaking out?

This isn't a dating site and you're not cheating on him. So, you need to sit him down and tell him what asexuality means and how it might impact your relationship.

Is he worried that you won't have sex with him?

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Edit: I read your introductory post and I understand the situation better. Unfortunately, I don't have time to chat on messenger, but let me offer some of my wisdom.

It seems that sex is a major strain between you, so you should ask yourself: (1) Do you want sex? (2) Does he respect you?

If you want to indulge his sex drive, you could consider taking hormones. It may/may not work, but it might ease the strain between you. However... it seems that he isn't respecting your low sex drive. You should *never* feel pressured or guilted into sex and if he cannot respect your low sex drive than maybe he isn't the right man for you. I spent six years in a relationship with a guy who didn't love me enough to treat me like an equal partner. I comprised my values for him, but he never really invested in the relationship. That's not the kind of relationship you want long term... you want someone who will love you and treat you with respect.

[Pitapitacup]

Never mind the differences in sex drive thing.

If he's spying on you, and you are freaking out because he knew that you had been on AVEN, there are far bigger things you two need to sort out on.

Sorry if this sounds rude or anything, I just don't know how else I'm going to express that I find it's concerning that this could be such a big strain on your relationship. (But then again, I'm in such a different boat that I don't even know anything I say are useful at all).

Either way, good luck!

[hereinspain]

If you're really having trouble communicating with him, and want to fight for your relationship, you should consider looking into couples therapy. Having someone help you communicate together might be really helpful, if you're both willing to try.

[foreversomeday]

Thanks everyone. He was freaking out because I don't know, I suppose he thought something had changed. I have spoken to him now and basically explained nothing has changed but I've found a name for my "problem", and now I know I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way I realise it isn't and doesn't have to be a problem.

He said to me he was worried that we couldn't have sex any more, because he's a very sexual person and no sex at all in a relationship would be a dealbreaker for him. I'm hoping we can work it out because in other areas we have a good relationship, and we have a son and I think you should be willing to try and make it work if you have kids together. (Not that I'm saying everyone should stay in a bad relationship for their kids' sake, but that you shouldn't just drop everything at the first hurdle.)

We were thinking about couple's therapy but I don't know if he was serious. I'd be willing to give it a go.

[energizer]

I can only advise that you guys talk about it. It will be difficult, but talking through what you are feeling may help you come to some sort of compromise. Hope all goes well! :-)

[Guest EGDingthestar]

Thanks everyone. He was freaking out because I don't know, I suppose he thought something had changed. I have spoken to him now and basically explained nothing has changed but I've found a name for my "problem", and now I know I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way I realise it isn't and doesn't have to be a problem.

He said to me he was worried that we couldn't have sex any more, because he's a very sexual person and no sex at all in a relationship would be a dealbreaker for him. I'm hoping we can work it out because in other areas we have a good relationship, and we have a son and I think you should be willing to try and make it work if you have kids together. (Not that I'm saying everyone should stay in a bad relationship for their kids' sake, but that you shouldn't just drop everything at the first hurdle.)

We were thinking about couple's therapy but I don't know if he was serious. I'd be willing to give it a go.

wow, okay... *is relieved*

I had read your welcome thread, and was giving myself a night to sleep on it. And was surprised/concerned about what your fiance's reaction might be upon seeing what you'd been so honest about over here. (I think your posts have been good at providing other people anonymity yet still communicating how much your fiance means to you).

I don't know if as other members suggested that he was "spying" on you... but I regularly use my history to find stuff, and you guys probably share a computer. (So, I don't really want to suggest curiosity/curiosity-spying is um... necessarily something out of the ordinary among couples). I have actually worked with someone who admitted to a group of 40+ people that she regularly checked her husband's phone records and personal emails without him knowing about it. So maybe I would find something like THAT more concerning.

*hugs* during this time. That must have been very stressful that day... I hope you guys can continue to make things work... with couples therapy or something.

[Michael47]

I honestly do wish I could give some advice on this. I feel a great deal for you both here. But, 16 or more years on my own, I'm not sure I'm the right person.

Not greatly differently, perhaps: I've no idea how I'd respond, or at all, if I met an attractive person (in personality, that is.) I ask myself this question time after time, and don't know the reply.

Couples advice, called RELATE here in the UK, sounds like a good idea.

[Amcan]

I really hope you can work it out.