Incredibly Ace Moments

[cp1213]

When there is a sex scene

Me: 

 

[ElasticPlanet]

On 11/2/2019 at 4:55 PM, Arodash said:

So. I have a question about your older ages and dealing with asexuality, for one, when did you learn about it? And two did you ever experience uh.... well depression because of your orientation and what it might mean for future relationships? Just lookin for some advice

First heard of asexuality as an orientation at 18 (and I'm now in my 40s) but it wasn't explained in a way that meant anything to me, so it didn't help in the slightest.

 

If I had known that sexual and romantic attractions are different - and that the words 'sexual attraction' mean a specific thing that actually exists. And that libido, being separate from attraction, doesn't disqualify you from being ace... Then I'd have been able to understand how far I was from the average, and put a label on it. But no... In the end, by the time I finally got my head round all this I was about twice as old as when I'd first heard of asexuality!

 

Never experienced depression or shame for being ace. I did as a kinkster, but got through all that in my late teens and early 20s. Since that, other things (being agender, ace & solo poly) have been a piece of cake to accept, but more difficult to analyse and understand.

[will123]

@ElasticPlanet I know what you mean about accepting your identity and understanding it.

 

I'm aro ace which I am completely comfortable with. I also have aesthetic attraction towards females. For the life of me I can't understand how or why I can find a random female at the mall or on the street attractive when I have absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in females.

[will123]

1 hour ago, ElasticPlanet said:

First heard of asexuality as an orientation at 18 (and I'm now in my 40s) but it wasn't explained in a way that meant anything to me, so it didn't help in the slightest.

 

Never experienced depression or shame for being ace. I did as a kinkster, but got through all that in my late teens and early 20s. Since that, other things (being agender, ace & solo poly) have been a piece of cake to accept, but more difficult to analyse and understand.

I didnt find out about asexuality untilI was 44. Thought I was straight prior to that.

 

X2 on the bold. Asexuality and later aromanticism explained my life to a T.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by 'solo poly'? I am aware of polyamorous relationships.

[ElasticPlanet]

1 hour ago, will123 said:

what do you mean by 'solo poly'?

Solo meaning, not interested in a lot of the 'entanglement' things like sharing a house, being married etc. I mean, you don't have to be poly to be solo, but if you are solo, there might more dating opportunities for you in poly...

 

I also reckoned I was straight. Think of it like this:

• I identified as male because for as long as I've existed, people told me I was male. I thought they were simply telling me that I was a testosterone-based person, which was obviously true. But I now know that their definition of male also included wanting to be male - something that still kind of shocks me even as I've been aware of it for 3 or 4 years...

Just going to digress into those gender definitions because they're so important to me and to this: For my entire life until age 39, when I used the word male, I actually meant something that I might now call "agender person presenting as male because while male and female both suck (to a different extent and in different ways) they're the only options and you aren't allowed to be neither". And when I said the word female, I actually meant... well you can repeat the definition I just gave but with the 5th word swapped to "female". I literally thought that 99% of the human race was a thing that I now know is called agender. The entire definitions of male and female in my mind have had to be rewritten, and I'm not sure if the new definitions will ever naturally come to me without a conscious effort. So when I'm about to talk about being attracted to women, I need you to include my old mistaken definition of female in with that.

• Being attracted to women (only romantically attracted, as I now know). Oblivious to the existence of the thing that we here are calling sexual attraction (spontaneous sexual fantasies that come with a built-in desire to make them happen in reality). I wanted them to be attracted to me despite seeing me as male. The idea of anyone being attracted to me because they saw me as male felt wrong, and I can now say that some level of gender dysphoria is behind that.

 So. Not male. Not straight. Not given the tools I needed to draw the right conclusions from that big pile of important evidence that was right under my nose, until decades too late.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

2 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

But I now know that their definition of male also included wanting to be male

I just want to point this out because I'm not quite sure it is correct and would like maybe a link to wherever reputable source that says that? In my personal experience and from the few instances where I have discussed gender with people it seems not uncommon to not want to be male/female but not experience dysphoria or any questioning regarding gender.

 

Particularly if male/female is defined by wanting to be male/female, then gender would cease to be a cultural construct, which would be worrying if gender was redefined since there is a fair amount of anthropological data that finds gender is, in at least some cases, a cultural construct.

 

Please do not misinterpret my words as saying you are male and not agender, I am not wanting to say that in the slightest, rather I am curious since I had never heard the definition of male as including the want to be male.

[Bronztrooper]

5 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

I identified as male because for as long as I've existed, people told me I was male. I thought they were simply telling me that I was a testosterone-based person, which was obviously true. But I now know that their definition of male also included wanting to be male - something that still kind of shocks me even as I've been aware of it for 3 or 4 years...

Hold up.... if that's true, then I definitely do not qualify as male in that sense.  I see myself in much of the same way you do in terms of gender/sex, in that I'm a person that has certain parts and has testosterone instead of estrogen.  Beyond that, I can see myself as being agender since I don't really believe in the whole "Men and women are inherently interested in different things" BS.

[borderprincess]

4 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

Hold up.... if that's true, then I definitely do not qualify as male in that sense.  I see myself in much of the same way you do in terms of gender/sex, in that I'm a person that has certain parts and has testosterone instead of estrogen.  Beyond that, I can see myself as being agender since I don't really believe in the whole "Men and women are inherently interested in different things" BS.

Don't know how to delete a post so I'm just editing my response that was made on misunderstanding your post.

Edited November 6, 2019 by borderprincess

[iyote]

I had an aro/ace moment yesterday.  

My friend told me that she has a crush on a guy I know.  I didn't really get it, because I don't get crushes, but I do get squishes, so I thought I could kinda relate.  So she was obsessing about him to me and a few of our mutual friends, and she offhandedly mentioned that she'd never even spoken to him before, to which I exclaimed, "wait, you don't even know him?!"  I was absolutely baffled, but none of my friends shared my confusion.  In fact they found my bewilderment hilarious, so I quickly realized that I was the odd one out.  

I get squishes on people who I think are cool, nice, or interesting.  The idea of having some sort of attraction to or obsession with someone on looks alone was beyond my comprehension.  I guess aesthetic attraction is a thing, but I think this situation was a little more than that.  

[ElasticPlanet]

On 11/5/2019 at 6:23 PM, Aebt-Ætheling said:

In my personal experience and from the few instances where I have discussed gender with people it seems not uncommon to not want to be male/female but not experience dysphoria or any questioning regarding gender.

 

Particularly if male/female is defined by wanting to be male/female, then gender would cease to be a cultural construct

Sorry - going to get a bit gender-heavy for the ace moments thread, but I think this is worth a good attempt at an answer! Here goes...

 

Did I overstate the "wanting to be x" thing? I spent decades resenting the existence of male and female and wishing they could be abolished somehow. So maybe to me, "wanting to be male" and "not minding being male" got pushed closer together than they really are - because they both were so far from my own experience. It wasn't at all easy for me to reclassify "the intrinsic suckyness of male that all male people must suffer" as "my own personal dysphoria at being assigned male". What I am sure of though, is that I already knew I wanted to be agender before I came to see it as, wanting to be that gender meant I was that gender.

 

A cultural construct can be constructed on natural foundations. If people's chromosomes and hormones are naturally correlated with gender feelings (eg. most (but not all) people with more-or-less this kind of body, will have more-or-less these kinds of feelings about it) then on top of that, each society tends to find for itself a way to associate different things (presentation, roles, whatever...) with those bodies and those feelings. The natural and the cultural levels are both there; the fact that humans create culture around natural phenomena is itself a natural tendency we have. The natural level created the space in which the cultural level exists, and puts certain very broad limits on it, while still allowing it to contain hideous things (sexism) and arbitrary nonsense (pink vs blue associations swapping over in less than 100 years).

 

On 11/5/2019 at 9:19 PM, Bronztrooper said:

I can see myself as being agender since I don't really believe in the whole "Men and women are inherently interested in different things" BS.

I agree that that statement is BS. But I don't see it as "all or nothing" any more. I hope we can make big changes at the cultural construct level, to make people happier - instead of just scrapping the whole thing as I would once have wanted. I want a way to present myself as nonbinary, that will actually be understood as such. For us to get there, everyone needs a better clue about what's natural and what's constructed. And to reconstruct our constructional constructitude around self-actualisation for the many and the diverse - not around patriarchal privilege.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

1 hour ago, ElasticPlanet said:

What I am sure of though, is that I already knew I wanted to be agender before I came to see it as, wanting to be that gender meant I was that gender.

That makes sense, I understand your reasoning. Thanks for explaining that.

1 hour ago, ElasticPlanet said:

A cultural construct can be constructed on natural foundations.

Certainly it can be constructed on natural foundations, but that does not mean it is. For example many societies have more than just male or female genders, and while some of these other genders are assigned to intersex or to transgender people, some of them are not. Albania used to recognize certain people as the gender of Burrnesha, yet all were by birth female. Many of these other genders throughout cultures were not based on natural foundations, but based on how societies perceived the person in question.

[Barbio]

Part of my job requires me to be outgoing and unafraid to strike up a friendly conversation with people. I try to practice this by making light-hearted comments/jokes about things that I observe about our visitors. Today, I saw a dad wearing a t-shirt that had "COOKIES" printed on it in big letters, so as I'm walking by them, I say out loud:

"Cookies?! I want some!"

The dad just chuckles and says to me: "Not those kinds of cookies".

"Oh..." was all I said. Then I kept walking and thinking to myself, "what other kinds of cookies are there???"

 

I figured it was probably a sexual reference, so I told some of my non-ace coworkers about it. Even they're not sure what it's a reference to. xD (The only thing we could come up with is that maybe it's slang for 'boobs'?)

[Laplace]

I went to a coworker and friend’s birthday outing, and it still surprises me how quickly the conversation can turn to the subject of dating and who’s “hot” at work. Thankfully, I have a reputation for being kinda “eh” on romance and my coworkers aren’t pushy so I’m not pressed on my stance, but it kinda throws me off-balance to learn about the web of romances that goes on behind the scenes at work. I feel like I just have this anti-romance filter that makes me blind to this stuff.

[naakka]

1 hour ago, Arodash said:

I know the feeling. I feel like while other people are talking about that stuff im probably thinking "what should I have for dinner?" Or. "What if. We all lived on mars? That'd be cool! Except. The radiation. The lack of oxygen.... okay maybe mars would kinda suck"

When the discussion turns to hotness, dating, relationships etc. my brain  turns into "oh no what excuse I'll come up this time? Does it matter? Are they just chit-chatting, or does this discussion have importance on larger scale and how they see me as a person? Should I pretend to look interested in the subject? You know I can recognize good-looking people, is that enough? If I won't take part in these discussions does it look like I don't like their company? Will I be able to safely lead the conversation to some other subject? All I wanted was to talk about our hobbies and passions why can't we just skip this subject why it always have to pop up there's never anything new to talk about even? x(". I wish I could be more relaxed but I just hate how I have nothing to contribute to these subjects while also missing/misunderstading stuff so these are just chances to make myself look stupid in more than one way... 😓

[crazy ace]

On 11/5/2019 at 2:25 AM, Arodash said:

Why? Why? Why do I get random messages from people on instagram sending me nudes???? I DID NOT ASK FOR THESE. 

I'm 98% sure that qualifies as sexual harassment.

[Strifed]

NSFW sorta??

Spoiler

Some pics of some dildos/toys popped up on my laptop screen and I wanted to:

cue me almost losing my lunch and now my stomach hurts. Joy.

Like at first I didn't even notice what it was bc it wasn't like those realistic ones and I wasn't paying that much attention since I had a gazillion other pics on my screen too, but then I actually read the words and thought about where they go and I

I wish I didn't think about it that hard... like... why did my brain go there . Now my stomach is all kinds of messed up 🙃

 

[nerdperson777]

18 hours ago, Barbio said:

Part of my job requires me to be outgoing and unafraid to strike up a friendly conversation with people. I try to practice this by making light-hearted comments/jokes about things that I observe about our visitors. Today, I saw a dad wearing a t-shirt that had "COOKIES" printed on it in big letters, so as I'm walking by them, I say out loud:

"Cookies?! I want some!"

The dad just chuckles and says to me: "Not those kinds of cookies".

"Oh..." was all I said. Then I kept walking and thinking to myself, "what other kinds of cookies are there???"

 

I figured it was probably a sexual reference, so I told some of my non-ace coworkers about it. Even they're not sure what it's a reference to. xD (The only thing we could come up with is that maybe it's slang for 'boobs'?)

That's another item on the list of things that allos have ruined.  I don't even know what innuendo there is for this.

 

13 hours ago, Arodash said:

Does anyone else have brains that. Seem to go down rabit holes when an idea pops into their head? As a VERY amature writer of short stories and such. It makes things difficult, as I forget that suspension of disbelief is a thing and not everything may be questioned by the reader.

There was a time I was on Wikipedia and I'm not sure how I got onto the page for types of mustaches.

 

I had an ace moment yesterday.  I usually go see this old guy to learn stuff on Sundays.  It's pretty casual.  I usually come an hour late because I'm not good at waking up early.  He often notices that I'm tired, probably because I stay up too late or whatever.  So yesterday he asked me if my bed has two people in it.  English isn't his first language so that sounds like an odd question to ask.  So he basically asked if I have a partner that I share my bed with.  If there's more than one person in a bed, the other person could tumble around and make the other person unable to sleep.  Obviously I don't have a partner.  Now I'm thinking the language thing is making him give everyone male pronouns so he gendered my hypothetical partner as a guy.

[Laplace]

Whenever I have to talk about dating or romance, I basically have to warn everyone that pretty much everything I say will be a downer. The only thing I can spin as somewhat humorous is the fact that I’m so dense. People can relate to that. When I talk about how I lack any real inherent attraction and that I don’t really trust most people and romance in general due to parental divorce and stuff it seems rather depressing.

[naakka]

I've been a member of one site for ages, and just today I noticed that my nick name could have a suggestive second meaning 🤣😅😭😬 Maybe that explains why some people gave me votes down apparently for no reason 😂

[EllyAlex]

I had an ace moment a few days ago and it was pretty stupid. I had this one friend some time ago, and I'm gonna call him Jeff, but we had a few fights and disagreements which made us kind of stop being friends, but we kept all of that between the two of us, since it was some personal stuff. However, I am not good at hiding anything, so our other friends started noticing that I don't feel so friendly towards him anymore, so a few days ago they asked me "Why don't you like Jeff anymore, what happened?" and since I didn't really want to say, I tried to make a joke out of it, so I said, trying to jokingly sound like a kindergartener, "Jeff was a bad boy, he didn't want to play with me anymore", and everyone busted out laughing and saying "Please, you don't have to tell us that kind of stuff, keep it to yourself", and at that point I was a little confused, but later they told me how dirty it actually sounded. I'm glad it was funny though , even though that's not the kind of joke I was going for. 

[Laplace]

3 hours ago, Arodash said:

Idk if this is an ace thing. But.... or maybe a difference in culture. But. I love anime, except. It seems like in, many shows theres  always a female character who people point out the size of her chest. Bit..... uncomfortable in my opinion, but I power through for the fun parts! 

I love characters now that don’t give a single **** about supposedly “hot” someone is and ignore the fanservice. I nearly died when I watched Aho Girl cause Akuru Akutsu wants nothing to do with “sexy times.” He may be dismissive to the point of being mean sometimes, but I identified with some of his sentiments too much to care. Yeah, right on Akutsu; I haven’t had a GF either. Who cares? No I don’t care about seeing [insert character here] naked. Yes Akuru, stomp the **** out of that porno mag, please! Not all guys want sex/romance in their life.

[zzkitty42]

Today I was at a convention, walking around the expo hall. There was one booth that had some cool leather stuff and the vendors were like "come check it out! you can try stuff on if you want." they had leather-bound books, armor pieces, jewelry, stuff like that. But I'm pretty sure they had some more... sexual(?) garments (I don't really know because, well, I'm asexual). Anyway, after I realized that I kind of awkwardly walked away. 

Then as I was walking off, I realized I was frustrated because I want to look at cool leather stuff and would even wear armor just because it looks cool, but I don't see how it's sexual in any way. Like, from an aesthetic standpoint? Super cool! There were some really pretty things! But I guess I just don't get how it's sexual. 

[fooledbysecrecy]

yeah i know this is serious and all that but i saw this headline and thought... yeah i'd do the same🤣

 

[Custard Cream]

1 hour ago, zzkitty42 said:

Today I was at a convention, walking around the expo hall. There was one booth that had some cool leather stuff and the vendors were like "come check it out! you can try stuff on if you want." they had leather-bound books, armor pieces, jewelry, stuff like that. But I'm pretty sure they had some more... sexual(?) garments (I don't really know because, well, I'm asexual). Anyway, after I realized that I kind of awkwardly walked away. 

Then as I was walking off, I realized I was frustrated because I want to look at cool leather stuff and would even wear armor just because it looks cool, but I don't see how it's sexual in any way. Like, from an aesthetic standpoint? Super cool! There were some really pretty things! But I guess I just don't get how it's sexual. 

Leather armour is sexual?  Oh dear, I really missed the memo on that one...

[griffinej5]

Last, night I went to a drag show with some friends. One of them is a friend I’ve know. For about 20 years, and hang out with a lot. Also, most of the cast of show we are now friends with, and we are Facebook friends with. So, they often see things on Facebook where we are together. Several of them are convinced we’re dating. Never have been, never will be. Anyway, they’ll sort of heckle various people throughout the night, and since they know us and some of them are still confused about the relationship or lack there of, they’ll heckle about it (we have never directly corrected the assumption). Last night, I got asked if I’ve done various sexual things with women- nope. At least I knew enough to know what I was being asked meant. Then later, to kill time, they started playing never have I ever. They asked about something sexual with men. My friend had to drink for that one. I think I just made a horrified face, because what was being asked is probably the thing I’d find most disgusting. And maybe now our friends are even more confused. 

[Laplace]

8 hours ago, zzkitty42 said:

Today I was at a convention, walking around the expo hall. There was one booth that had some cool leather stuff and the vendors were like "come check it out! you can try stuff on if you want." they had leather-bound books, armor pieces, jewelry, stuff like that. But I'm pretty sure they had some more... sexual(?) garments (I don't really know because, well, I'm asexual). Anyway, after I realized that I kind of awkwardly walked away. 

Then as I was walking off, I realized I was frustrated because I want to look at cool leather stuff and would even wear armor just because it looks cool, but I don't see how it's sexual in any way. Like, from an aesthetic standpoint? Super cool! There were some really pretty things! But I guess I just don't get how it's sexual. 

I think leather is kinda associated with dominatrix sort of fantasies and such. And in games and stuff, form-fitting leather armor is often given to people to show off their bodies while providing “protection” (often very flawed protection lol). It’s esp. common on people using a whip weapon just to drive that dom association home. 

 

I think leather is cool but it seems like a huge pain to maintain and keep clean.

[zzkitty42]

58 minutes ago, Laplace said:

I think leather is kinda associated with dominatrix sort of fantasies and such. And in games and stuff, form-fitting leather armor is often given to people to show off their bodies while providing “protection” (often very flawed protection lol). It’s esp. common on people using a whip weapon just to drive that dom association home. 

 

I think leather is cool but it seems like a huge pain to maintain and keep clean.

Right, it was that sort of thing. Like I'm not sure if the armor pieces were more sexual or not, but there were whips there and that's when I remembered that it could have that connotation. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also: I've got to say, scantly clad video game characters always bug me. Like no, that's not going to protect you.  Put a real shirt on, you're going to get stabbed.

[Custard Cream]

Talking of whips and kinks, me with my bull whip in steampunk mode! No kinkiness at all though (although I think that came as a disappointment to a few people)

 

[Custard Cream]

Just now, Arodash said:

Steampunk ALLLL THE WAY!

Absolutely!

[borderprincess]

2 hours ago, zzkitty42 said:

Right, it was that sort of thing. Like I'm not sure if the armor pieces were more sexual or not, but there were whips there and that's when I remembered that it could have that connotation. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also: I've got to say, scantly clad video game characters always bug me. Like no, that's not going to protect you.  Put a real shirt on, you're going to get stabbed.

You might like the r/armouredwomen subreddit, made specifically against that