Thank you

[silver myst]

Hi there. I've just discovered this forum, and I wanted to say hello and thankyou. Lately I've been really stressing about my sexuality. Around December last year I decided I was gay because I've always found myself much more attracted to females than males. However, it's recently dawned on me that actually I have never been sexually attracted to anyone, whether people I know or people on tv. I find people (females generally) very attractive, want to get to know them, sit and talk to them, hug them, play with their hair etc, but anything beyond that and I get totally put off - I have absolutely no sexual interest.

Usually I'm a very closed person, but lately I've been discussing most things about me with my best friends, my mum, and my brother. Recently, during discussions about me and my feelings ( very lately about this fantastic girl I've met, who I really like and want to be with, but have no sexual desire for), my friend joked about me being 'asexual'. Neither of us had any idea the term, or the...I don't want to call it 'condition', but I'm struggling for another appropriate word, so forgive me for that...even existed. Anyway, on a whim I entered it into the search engine, and here I am.

Anyway, I've just been in tears because of how much I relate to the things you guys are posting and the experiences/feelings etc you've had. It's both incredibly frightening and totally fantastic to find that asexuality actually exists, and there are other people like me.

Is it possible to classify yourself as a gay asexual? I ask because, like I said before, I am emotionally and...aesthetically?...attracted to females - very much so - but I have absolutely no sexual desire towards them (and definitely not to males - even kissing makes me feel almost physically ill, like the person is totally invading my personal space, and I just want them to back off. But I love hugging, snuggling, holding hands, that sort of thing, as long as I know it's not going to/expected to lead to more. Anything more terrifies me, turns me off, doesn't interest me.

I was thinking maybe I'm just inexperienced and so the idea of sex etc scares me, and it's not that I simply don't want it. But I'm almost 20 now, and I've never had any sexual desire with anyone I've ever met - I've had crushes, but when they get beyond the cute hand-holding, hugging etc stage, I back off completely and loose interest. I've had very very little sexual experience , because I've had no desire for it, though I do fancy people in terms of wanting to just simply 'be' with them.

I've been trying to convince myself it's just that I haven't found the right person...but surely you'd expect SOMEONE to have sexually turned me on, out of all the people I know, and all the people on tv...and no-one has...ever.

I'd better stop now because I have a tendancy to rant a lot, and this is already a long message.

Thanks again...muchly muchly muchly, for being here and helping me start to understand myself. This is the first time I've found a place like this where I'm not filling in the blanks in messages that kinda almost apply to my experiences, but not quite. It's scary, and I'm still pretty upset (sorry if that irritates anyone...) about who I am or whatever, but this seems to be the first real step I've made towards working out exactly what's going on with me.

If anyone can actually find the time to read all of this message (sorry again for its lengthiness), and could offer me any sort of feedback or anything, I would be so very grateful...you guys are the first people I've ever truly related to where sexuality is concerned.

xxxx Annie

[cijay]

Hi annie!

Thanks for joining us, if you've been lurking you know we're a fun bunch! To answer your question...it depends on who you're talking to. I agree that there is a "gay asexual" but in terminology only. Gay is SO attached to sex that many people can't see beyond it. But you can use any term you wish and I think people would understand.

I know exactly where you are coming from! I have asexual attractions to women as well - involving going out, having fun, holding hands, sharing an ice cream sundae and more or less thinking of each other as significant other, just no sex.

welcome again!

[silver myst]

hey cijay, :) thanks for the welcome, and so quick too! (it's, like 5:30am here, so I'm expecting no-one else in the whole world to be awake! :roll: )

I'm worrying about what to do about this girl I've met - she's really fantastic, attractive, we have great conversations and have tons in common. I really like her, but not sexually. We met on the internet and talked on the phone for hours every night before meeting. We have met in person twice now - the first time was really great, we got on really well and decided to 'go out'. Then I met up with her again last week with my two best friends, and this girl was all couply with me - wanting to hold my hand, kiss, stroke my leg, stuff like that, the whole time. This posed quite a few problems for me -

1) the kissing and leg stroking (especially this being in public, and in front of my friends - make of that issue what you will) made me uncomfortable, and I actually felt physically sick (how horrible does that sound!?) - actually had to go and sit with my head down the toilet for a while. (I'm aware of the fact that this feeling was a combination of being very tired, hungover, AND uncomfortable/turned off sexually).

2) having met only twice, and having a very great value for my personal space, I felt she was invading said personal space far too much and got v. claustrophobic.

3) she's expecting a sexual relationship eventually (tho we initially both agreed to 'take things slow'). How can I explain I have no desire even to kiss her? I've gone from initially being totally into her and really wanting to spend loads of time with her, to now, mere days after our second meeting (and this feeling stemming straight from that second meeting) to being terrified of even meeting for a simple night out in case I get those horrible sick feelings with her again. This is a horrible horrible feeling/fear to have about someone who's done nothing wrong beyond like me and want to be with me!

Sorry...ranting again. It's just...I have all these thoughts and feelings and fears heretofore unexpressed and inexpressible, and now I can express them, I just want to explode and get everything out. hope some of this makes some sort of sense!

[junie99]

Welcome Annie! :)

[GaliGwogi]

Welcome to AVEN, Annie :D

I can relate to what you have shared here.

Before finding AVEN and realizing that my asexuality is valid, I couldn't confidantly tell anyone about the reality of my level of sexual desire. I just avoided the subject, figuring I was incomplete and thus not wanting to discuss it.

And I was in love with a woman who is sexual. But while she was having sexual feelings for me, I was having very romantic feelings without any desire for sex. I felt I owed it to her to at least try this sex thing because maybe that would awaken some dormant sexuality within me. But in my case, it only became more clear that I am asexual. I somewhat wish I'd explained from the beginning something like: "I'm asexual. I don't have sexual feelings or needs; but I have romantic feelings of love for you that run blissfully deeper than sex." And if that is not enough, then it isn't meant to be. It isn't compatible, in my opinion.

So in retrospect, I think I'd prefer a situation where a spectrum of sexuality is embraced and recognized, so each person may find another who shares a compatible level of sexual desire, without being ashamed or embarassed about revealing their personal sexual needs. Because with hypersexuality, it seems sex is a very important need which requires fulfillment to maintain health; but hyposexuality either doesn't have this need, or else has a need to refrain from sex.

But some asexuals do have sex to please their partners, if the partner is okay with it not being a mutually necessary or euphoric experience;

So theres my 2 inarticulate cents Please take anything useful and leave the rest :)

Good luck with your relationship! I just feel that candid honesty is a short cut to the truth, but it can also cut into some assumptions that are rich with nerve endings; but overall it averts some worry and heartache, and is ultimately respectful to the person you love.

I hope Aven will be a good place to sort things out if need be. Glad you're here!

all the best,

laura

[Live R Perfect]

Welcome to AVEN, Silver Myst / Annie! :D Always good to see another Brit joining up here :)

Sorry...ranting again. It's just...I have all these thoughts and feelings and fears heretofore unexpressed and inexpressible, and now I can express them, I just want to explode and get everything out. hope some of this makes some sort of sense!

Yeah, don't worry, you're making sense to me. Its an awesome feeling when you discover that asexuality exists, and everything seems to slip into place. So rant away!!

[Ellen]

I ask because, like I said before, I am emotionally and...aesthetically?...attracted to females - very much so - but I have absolutely no sexual desire towards them (and definitely not to males - even kissing makes me feel almost physically ill, like the person is totally invading my personal space, and I just want them to back off. But I love hugging, snuggling, holding hands, that sort of thing, as long as I know it's not going to/expected to lead to more. Anything more terrifies me, turns me off, doesn't interest me.

Hi Annie, and welcome. I understand this all too well, my emotional attractions are towards females and always have been. During times of my life it was 'expected' that I would find a man, etc. I went on a few dates, and even met my current partner through a man who was interested in me. I have nothing against men, and while some of them can be adorably cute, overall it just doesn't click - if that makes sense. But I just have little, to no, interest in more than emotional and physically casual intimacy. However, in my opinion and experience, love here is as deep and meaningful.

I wish you the best of luck and as someone else here wisely pointed out . . honesty is probably a good way to start. It may save you deeper grief in the long run.

[Guest]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! If you are uncomfortable with physical contact during your dates, it is better to be upfront than to suffer. I'm sure if they feel affection for you, they wouldn't want you to be in such inner turmoil.

[kala]

hey and welcome to aven

[Kombucha2000]

Hello and welcome to AVEN, Annie!

Is it possible to classify yourself as a gay asexual?

absolutely. I call myself a straight asexual, or hetero-asexual. You can call yourself whatever you like. Glad you found this place and make yourself at home.

[Shockwave]

Hello and welcome to AVEN.

[kbrd143]

Hello, Silver! I am new here, myself, but, like you, it felt somewhat liberating to find like-minded people. Rant away! These guys are very understanding and helpful. Feel safe.

[fluffy_hime]

Welcome!

[mindlife]

Welcome sylver myst-- I think you're in a good place.

I can relate to much of what you've said.

[Chuk]

Hi Annie! We're so glad you've found AVEN and that it's been helpful to you. Welcome, welcome!

There are a number of people here who identify as gay asexuals (I've even heard the term gaysexual used), so you are definitely not alone. (I, for one, also feel at times that I am romantically attracted much more strongly to women than to men.)

And about this girl... I have to agree that it helps to be honest, but it's definitely not easy. I hope that everything works out for the best.

You implied that you were not 100% okay with the idea of being asexual, and you were worried that that might offend some people here... well, I think it' unlikely to. We are socialized to think of sexuality as an integral part of an emotionally healthy and complete adulthood, so I think many people here have gone through times of less-than-total self-acceptance. So, we can relate to what you are going through. Battling internalized aphobia (to coin an expression) is a totally legitimate thing to talk about on the board. It's not the same as asexual-bashing at all.

Good luck and have fun!

[Carsonspire]

Welcome, Annie!

I was caught offguard reading your post. Aside from the online dating experience, I relate quite well to the rest of what you have written. You don't need to apologize for ranting or rambling. We are here to listen and to offer our support. You sometimes lose perspective when you try to analyze a situation by yourself. I know this all too well.

Pull up a chair and make yourself at home!

[silver myst]

Thanks for all the welcomes everyone. You guys are fantastic - I've been checking out all the other threads etc...why are you all so nice? It's unusual to find a community with uniform niceity (sp?) in its members.

...

Ok, so I took the advice about being honest and open with the girl I was talking about. I just had a huge long conversation with her online - plucked up the courage to show her this site, even let her see my above messages, though I knew they'd upset her.

She was really understanding (in the nice about it sense, because obviously it's a very difficult thing to understand). It was really tough because I really really like her, and we get on SO well and really connect, and I don't understand why I can't like her in the 'normal' relationship way. She was great, and we tried for ages to sort something out, but in the end she said she just likes sex too much (she's still a virgin, but she's done other things and likes them). It's so frustrating because we fancy each other loads and want a relationship, but we both want totally different things from a relationship, so it would not work. Well, that's the conclusion we finally came to anyway. Mainly because of 2 things 1) I would always be worrying about her wanting more, which would make me uncomfortable, feel like a b**ch to her, and not be fair to her and 2) She would always be worrying that she was pressurising me etc.

I'm really disappointed, because I really do want a relationship with her, but I can't ask her (and I can't see her being willing) to just forget about sex just for me.

Did I do the right thing? How do you think things will be between us now? I still fancy her and will want to do all the non-sexual relationship stuff, so it's all pretty weird :(

xx Annie

ps. Sorry for the long rant (again!) I just wanted to get some of that off my chest, and see if anyone can offer me their input. Thanks.

Oh, also - I have this nagging fear that actually I'm not asexual, I'm just very picky and haven't found the right person - I know that's not the case, because I know some stunning, amazing people who I am REALLY attracted to, but any sexual ideas concerning them don't work for me at all. Does anyone think that maybe there is someone out there who would awaken your sexual desire, you just haven't found them?

[dabishop]

Ah, bittersweetnessness. It's never quite as fun when the cold, hard pragmatics start to win one's internal arguments, but I think that's ultimately for the best. After many years, I can only conclude that there's a pattern, and the probability of my finding the proverbial "right person" becomes so vanishingly small as to be not worth diverting time away from all the other fun stuff I could be doing.

Which means nothing for anyone else's situation, of course. :) You've got oodles of time to discover and decide. And there will be some misunderstandings and hurt feelings along the way; that often does come with the territory. But seeing how clearly and candidly you've set out your story, I can't help but think your decisions (whatever they end up being) won't compromise any of the things which make you unique.

And welcome!

[Jordan]

Howdy, sliver myst! :D

[Ellen]

Did I do the right thing? How do you think things will be between us now? I still fancy her and will want to do all the non-sexual relationship stuff, so it's all pretty weird :(

Telling someone you care for the truth, hoping to spare them and you possible pain down the line, and probably help you reach some level of happiness - is always the right thing.

Weird isn't always bad you know. Yes, it is bittersweet, as someone so rightly called it.

Whatever, you were brave, did the right thing. Best of luck in the relationship wherever it goes.

[wombat]

Sorry about being late...

Yeah. The best way to deal with relatinships and potential problems is to talk it out. Being a hopeless romantic, i still think you guys could have worked it out....but....that's really optimistic. And really....i may just be fooling myself. Only you and her know that really....so...it's your call.

And like everyone else said. Perfectly ok to be homo asexual. Asexuals are EXTREAMLY unique in being so DIVERSE. We range all over the place! You get straight up Type A's to type D's and everything in between. And even some you wouldn't think of (such is my case...i'm still pondering the question...but i find that asexual works as a word to help me describe myself...so i use it) It's really up to the individual.

In any case. YOU RULE.

And because of this....i will dance for you now!

*Does the WoMBaT Dance!*

We got another one! We got another one!

This lady is AWESOME, Up there on my list!

Everybody welcome the asexy Silver Myst!

HAZAA!

or HUZZAH! or something like it!

*applause and cheering!*

Welcome to AVEN!

[Guest]

Lol, thanks WoMBaT, I appreciate the dance :D

I'm still holding out hope that, as we're planning on being 'best friends' who can hug and stuff, a relationship of sorts will just naturally develop and we'll find happiness together...but maybe I'm also just a hopeless romantic. Whatever happens tho, I'm really glad I talked to her - I was actually more open and honest with her yesterday than I've ever been with anyone...including myself. I'm still really confused about everything tho, and contemplating the (granted unlikely) fact that maybe it's just her I don't fancy, or it's just girls I don't like sexually and the boys I've been with just weren't right for me and that's why I didn't like them getting close. Have other people gone through huge rationalisations like this?

I'm finding myself really weird at the moment because total fantasy sexual things aren't a problem for me, it's only when 'faceless blob' becomes 'real person' that I can't imagine it/want it/like it. Is that strange?

I hope it's ok to keep going on and gibbering about what I'm thinking etc...I'm just so happy to have found somewhere where my thoughts might be understood and empathised with.

xx

[silver myst]

Lol, thanks WoMBaT, I appreciate the dance :D

I'm still holding out hope that, as we're planning on being 'best friends' who can hug and stuff, a relationship of sorts will just naturally develop and we'll find happiness together...but maybe I'm also just a hopeless romantic. Whatever happens tho, I'm really glad I talked to her - I was actually more open and honest with her yesterday than I've ever been with anyone...including myself. I'm still really confused about everything tho, and contemplating the (granted unlikely) fact that maybe it's just her I don't fancy, or it's just girls I don't like sexually and the boys I've been with just weren't right for me and that's why I didn't like them getting close. Have other people gone through huge rationalisations like this?

I'm finding myself really weird at the moment because total fantasy sexual things aren't a problem for me, it's only when 'faceless blob' becomes 'real person' that I can't imagine it/want it/like it. Plus, with some people, theoretically, I can imagine it, but I know if it actually came to it, I wouldn't really want it in real life. Is that strange?...does that make sense to anyone?

I hope it's ok to keep going on and gibbering about what I'm thinking etc...I'm just so happy to have found somewhere where my thoughts might be understood and empathised with. Should I take this discussion to another section?

xx

[mindlife]

Plus, with some people, theoretically, I can imagine it, but I know if it actually came to it, I wouldn't really want it in real life. Is that strange?...does that make sense to anyone?

No need, no need to transport your discussion, Annie.

& what you've said makes perfect sense to me. I've never outgrown crushes and romances in the mind. I have a good number of friendly relationships, but the romance always starts when a person communicates his/her thoughts to me. I've had, yes and still have, powerful feelings for people who are not even alive. The ties I have to them are their preoccupations, their thoughts, and the way they put them together.

There is also a living human being, a man, on whom I have a huge crush. I developed it when I read his syllabus & heard his voice.

If these crushes of mine came any closer than crushes, I'd push them away or run. I'm just not after physical contact. I tolerate affection, but intimacy is something that remains brain-deep to me.