Is my husband asexual?

[stressed wife]

I hope I am in the right place. Here is my story...

We have been married for four years and have children.

During his teen and dating years he tried to have sex several times but says he was too nervous to keep an erection. He soon stopped trying for fear of imbarrasement.

Dating.......I persued him. I made all the moves on him sexually and still do. He does not turn me down but if we don't do it right away he looses interest or forgets about it. For instance yesterday I told him when he finished with yard work to take a shower and then we could have sex he said ok. Then he got out of the shower and forgot all about it.

While we dated, we played around alot at first and he always had an erection but then after two months of this when we decided to have sex he went limp. Later I found out he used viagra to keep it up through our first night together. He was a virgin until that night. He does not have that problem any more but sex only lasts maybe 5 minutes or less. He used to masterbate all the time but we never have sex. Maybe three times all year. It seems strange for a 30 yr old man. If I would instigate it we would have sex all the time but I feel like I should not have too. I want to know if he is sexually attracted to me. I want to feel wanted and needed.

We have talked about it before and he says he just doesn't think about sex. I was thinking maybe he was gay until I found this website.

This is really hurting our marriage since I love sex. What should I do?

[Jayann]

Hi stressed wife.

First off, no one can ever say whether your husband is asexual or not except him. I just want you to realize that, while we may be able to provide some insight into what it's like to be an asexual person, we can't give you a yes or no answer of any sort.

So, your husband has a history of difficulty becoming sexually aroused, and lack of interest, and allegedly forgets about sex. The generally agreed upon definition for asexuality (which you may also find on the main page) is experiencing no sexual attraction to others. It is possible that your husband fits this definition. Asexuals are typically completely disinterested in sexual behaviors, and some (though not all) may in fact be repulsed by such activity. You may love sex, but just as with any activity that two (or more) people can engage in together, such as chess or hang gliding, there will always be some people who are simply not interested.

It may seem ridiculous to you to compare sex to such activities, because we are taught that sex is powerful and important and contains all sorts of meaning. But in the end, sex is just another thing that two people may or may not share. Would he necessarily love you any less if he hated chess, but it was your favorite game? Would your marriage be intolerable if he never wished to play chess with you?

Getting back to the point, his nervousness concerning maintain erections, and his lack of interest may point to asexuality. However, I don't understand why he would forget about sex. Personally, if my partner told me they wanted to have sex with me, it would stick in my mind, and probably cause me anxiety, so it wouldn't be something I'd easily forget about. Your husband may be lying about having forgotten in order to avoid sexual activity, however if he is in fact forgetting, it may be possible that something else is going on. What that might be, I have no idea.

If he is asexual, you ought to know that he is not pathological, he is not necessarily scarred by some experience, or ashamed of his body. Asexuals are perfectly capable of engaging in romantic relationships, but they just do not associate sexual desire with their romantic interests. They are not cold-hearted, and discovering that one's partner is asexual does not spell doom for the relationship, if both partners are willing to compromise.

It might be a good idea for you to go to the Information on Asexuality link and read up on what it means to be an asexual person. Perhaps you could ask him to look at this site and see how he feels. It's something the two of you need to discuss if it causes you so much pain.

I want to know if he is sexually attracted to me.

Only he can tell you that.

I want to feel wanted and needed.

Of course you do. But you must realize that these things aren't necessarily fulfilled by sex. For many asexuals, it is nearly impossible to relate wanting and needing of another person with sex. Want and need are simply expressed in other ways. Does your husband express his love to you in other ways? I understand it must be very difficult to imagine that he may not sexually desire you the way you do him, but as an asexual I feel that sex is not the be all and end of all of romantic relationships.

This is really hurting our marriage since I love sex. What should I do?

Talk to him. If he loves you, he won't want you to be distressed about this and feel alone. As I said, maybe you could consider pointing out asexuality to him and asking him whether he feels it is something he relates to--but only do this if you think he won't be offended by your asking. Discuss possible compromises. If he doesn't mind having sex with you sometimes, maybe you could work something out.

Remember, though, that his situation could be totally different, and he may not be asexual at all. It is a label that he alone must adopt.

Good luck, and welcome to AVEN. Please keep us posted.

[Live R Perfect]

Welcome to AVEN, Stressed Wife :)

I think Julie has covered pretty much everything I was going to say in much more detail than I probably would have! All I can add is in response to what you said about the fact that he does have erections up until the point of sexual intercourse.

Though asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, this does not mean that they can't be sexually aroused. I was very similar in past relationships I was in - I could become aroused by my girlfriends but when the idea of actually having sexual intercourse with them came up I found that a real turn-off. It wasn't until I found AVEN that I was able to admit to myself that I'm just not interested in sex. I always knew it deep down, but wouldn't admit it because I felt that that somehow made me weird. Of course, now I know I'm weird (relatively speaking!:lol:) but I don't see that as a problem any more.

[Guest]

Julie and Karl said it so well. Send him here, because it may solve some of his own anxieties as well.

[cijay]

Hi SW. What Julie, Liver and Tressa said. I hope you can send your husband here. He'd be the one to be able to tell you if he's asexual and maybe it'd do him good to see that there are all of us here who knows where he's coming from.

I want to be wanted & needed...funny, I just haven't been able to find anyone around here to appease that and NOT want sex. Sigh, life is just one big mystery after the other.

[wombat]

I would have to agree with Juile.

I would live your husband little hints to possibly direct him here.

Anyways, best of luck!

[Ellen]

I hope I am in the right place.

Hi, well, I would you say you are in a good starting place. Welcome, by the way.

We have talked about it before and he says he just doesn't think about sex. I was thinking maybe he was gay until I found this website.

This is really hurting our marriage since I love sex. What should I do?

I'm sorry it's hurting. As for what you should do? You're doing it. You are looking for information. Perhaps you and your husband would be comfortable enough to look at this website together? Keep talking to each other. I suspect you both could learn a lot about each other and yourselves as you continue your journey.

Regardless, again, I'm sorry for the pain. Good luck to both of you.

[Chuk]

Welcome to AVEN, and good luck sorting things out! Everybody else has made such wonderful introductions and comments, so I think I'll leave it at that.

[mindlife]

Perhaps you and your husband would be comfortable enough to look at this website together? Keep talking to each other.

Excellent advice.

Your husband has not identified himself as asexual yet.

In the event he does, you should not construct his identity or behavior as your abandonment. It doesn't have to be, really.

You say you want to be loved and needed.

I believe that you are, whether your husband is asexual or not.

One need not construct love sexually for love to exist.

The most important relationships in a person's life need not be the sexual ones.

Intimacy, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Ellen has given you excellent advice, and I approve highly of your quest for information. If this site had existed while I was still married, my husband would have been comforted by it deeply, as I have been.

[fluffy_hime]

Welcome SA! Hope you figure things out.

[Jayann]

I think you mean SW. ;)

[joski]

Hmm, he could be gay or asexual, both of those would cause the behavior you are seeing. You are right in suspecting that it is a little strange for a thirty year old man not to pursue his wife for sexual satisfaction. Does he still masturbate frequently? There is no way of knowing but he could be fantasizing about males while he masturbates and he may have to do so when he has sex with you. I knew a guy at work who was going to the doctor for viagara to have sex with his female S.O. but when he got a secret homosexual liason his flaccid problem myseriously went away (when he was having sex with that man). I am not suggesting that your husband is doing any of these things It is just to try to paint a picture for you to refer to.

I am openly gay and a lot of the older gay men I know went through experiences similar to what it sounds like your husband is going through. Just remember that if he turns out to be gay or asexual he must really really love you because he is still with you. When I was still in the closet I would always just let the girl do all the work as far as pursuing me and making the relationship work, I was there to be had but was unwilling to front any effort. Your husband's behavior sounds very familiar. You need to tell him that you are not sexually satisfied (it is important for your psycological well being that this be resolved) and let him know that you support him. If he is gay and not asexual chances are that he is feeling the same sexual frustration you are, only he is unable to come to terms with it. You need to first be honest with yourself about how you interpret his behavior and then you need to be honest with him. In any case it sounds like you have a very tough and painful task ahead of you but remember, the kids come first and there is always light at the end of the tunnel.