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lotus123

sexual woman married to asexual man - midlife crisis

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lotus123

Warning: somewhat graphic content

I have spent all morning reading various threads and posts on this forum and would like to thank everyone for contributing and helping those involved.

I am a sexual woman and have been in a relationship for 15 years with a man I now believe is asexual. We have been married for 12. When I married my husband, we weren’t really having sex anymore, but I obviously was suffering from cognitive dissonance and thought it would work out. I loved him very much and still do. We share a sense of humour, have a common love of many things, and are intellectually very compatible. Socially, we are very different. We have compromised like all couples – he has made the effort to become less curmudgeonly, and I have respected his need to be alone. I have my own social life which he is fine with. One of the reasons I married him was that I thought he would make a great father, and I have not been disappointed.

Call it a midlife crisis if you will, but I am currently at the stage where I am questioning our future together. I don’t want to split up but sometimes I feel it could be the only solution. Our children would however be more than devastated. Of course, we have our problems, but I feel that many of these are aggravated by the lack of sex in our relationship.

Although it is very hard for me to broach the subject, I have tried to. Unfortunately, it is usually in a list of other things we “need to talk about”. The only response I have ever received is that I was the one who started not wanting to. I vaguely recall that there was a time when my libido was down, (which happens), and I was uninterested for a time (couple of months?), but I do not recall any overtures on his part either during or after that time. Afterwards, I tried several times to initiate sex but it never came to anything. We kiss (no tongues) and cuddle and we both enjoy this, but there is never any move by my partner to touch me, even in passing, or to be close to me.

I do not want to lose my husband, but I cannot imagine the next 30 years of my life without sex. I take care of myself, but it is just not the same. Yes, I feel a barrier between us, but I have to admit that I just plain miss the physical satisfaction of sexual intercourse and, quite frankly, the pure abandonment of it. Masturbation releases a certain amount of tension, but I feel guilty and just that’s it too mechanical.

I wonder about taking a lover, (if I even had the opportunity), but obviously that could be complicated even though I feel that sex and love are distinct.

Basically, I need to find a solution, so any words of wisdom and support would be gratefully received.

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Sally

It's hard to know how to answer you, because it seems that you have made your decision: you love your husband but you don't want to be married to him anymore because the marriage is frought with dissatisfaction.

Your children may indeed be upset if you divorce, but if you are obviously unhappy and become more so with time, that won't be happy for them either. My parents divorced when I ws 11 and although it was sad, it wasn't fun living with unhappy parents either.

Look around on other threads that are in this category -- you may find others who are in your predicament and gain some perspective on what they have done, or haven't been able to do.

:cake::cake::cake::cake::cake: Visitors/new members always get cake, and it's always dependably good (unlike relationships!).

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Astryda
It's hard to know how to answer you, because it seems that you have made your decision: you love your husband but you don't want to be married to him anymore because the marriage is frought with dissatisfaction.

Your children may indeed be upset if you divorce, but if you are obviously unhappy and become more so with time, that won't be happy for them either. My parents divorced when I ws 11 and although it was sad, it wasn't fun living with unhappy parents either.

Look around on other threads that are in this category -- you may find others who are in your predicament and gain some perspective on what they have done, or haven't been able to do.

:cake::cake::cake::cake::cake: Visitors/new members always get cake, and it's always dependably good (unlike relationships!).

I agree with You, my parents divorce when i was 7, but bad things started happening much longer before and those years were very horrible, at least to my mum, and i asn't happy seeing my mum unhappy. Anyways, after divorce your children can see their father very often cause you and your husband are not enemies there are very methods to make children "growing up healthy" even after divorce.

But I'm not sure if the divorce is a good solution here, although talking probably couldn't solve the problem either (I don't believe I said that). Seems you love him so you shouldn't leave. You can talk to him and say "I feel You don't love me anymore, You are so cold to me, I need You and your touch, i need you to show your feelings if any of them are still in your heart..." then wait what he answers, and if he will ignore it or say something wrong, ask him "Maybe we should to separate for some time?" (remember- use the word "separate", not "divorce", sometimes after people get rest from each other the feelings come back) then watch is reaction, if he will show he doesn't care You should start to think about the divorce.

Hope You will olve the problem successfully :)

Cheers :)

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< retired >
Of course, we have our problems, but I feel that many of these are aggravated by the lack of sex in our relationship.

Sex can be a way of satisfying a need (selfish) or a means of showing affection (generous). If you were able to solve all of the other problems in your relationship, then perhaps sex as a way of showing affection would be the natural result. Then again, maybe not - there are lots of possible reasons for a decline in sexual interest.

A marriage counselor might be able to help. Divorce, like war, should only be the option of last resort.

Good luck, and welcome to AVEN! :cake: :cake:

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sexless sexual

Lotus123: Hello, sister!

Married for 15 years (last 13 sexless) to an asexual man, only today finally acknowledged. We both feel as though our world has shaken lose from orbit, and have no idea how to control this trip we're now on.

Actually, Husband hasn't acknowledged the asexuality, but I think he will when he can trust that I am neither appalled nor judgmental.

I simply cannot envision life without this man. I cannot be myself and cut out sex altogether. It is a puzzlement. But, I can share the few things I've learned and decided today:

1. My marriage is built on so much more than sex, that I will not let this destroy the marriage. It took me a very long time to find a man with the intelligence, kindness, energy, talent, competence and intellectual curiosity I wanted. In all ways but sexual, I feel very glad I held out for him. I know he loves me. He proves it every day in countless ways. The marriage comes first, regardless of what else happens.

2. For the last 13 years, I have totally buried my sexuality. I have, in fact, denied myself and not let myself be who I am. Because we did not have the right information (Husband kept telling me that "maybe if we did ..." he would feel like having sex; I kept hoping and hopping through hoops ...) we weren't trying to solve the right problem, and I would try to initiate and/or discuss sex. He felt pressured, demeaned, he felt I wanted to change him. I don't. But I thought he was something else, that's all. As a result, he's been terribly unhappy. I have been in the hellish grip of major depression. This is untenable for both of us.

3. He cannot give me the full bore sex I want. We don't yet know what he can give me. We have that to work out. I don't yet know how much I can do without. We have that to work out, too. We have worked out so many things, I am confident we can work this one out, as well. It will not be easy -- I have no such expectations; neither does he.

4. Already, the pressure is off both of us. He knows I will not press for sex. Perhaps that is why he has been more willing to touch me today than ever before -- not sexually, but lovingly. I know that it was not my fault, that it was not my lack of beauty or sexiness or my weight or any other such things. I have begun to claim myself again, letting my sexuality back out of storage. I don't want to fall into depression again. Taking on the full responsibility for satisfying my need has lifted the stress on him and empowered me. We are both better for it.

5. Somehow, we are going to have to find a way to give each of us what we want from one another, and then figure out how to make up the slack. It starts by finding out what we each want, and then defining how much of it is doable between us. That's quite enough to be working on, for the time being. Once we've accomplished all that, we'll take stock and determine how to proceed to fill in the blanks. I've spent the day in research (hence, finding this site -- for which I am very grateful!) and will continue to research options.

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not. I guess to make it shorter (too late, I know!) I can summarize thusly: The marriage only has to end if sexual relations have a higher priority for you. There is no standard on this for you to meet. It is neither right nor wrong to put either one higher than the other. You both feel as you do, and you both are what you are. Given that, what are your joint priorities? What are his? Start there.

I wish us both the best of luck and love.

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linjo

I was married to a repulsed asexual man for 32 years. I spent the first 7 years of our marriage trying to figure out what was wrong with me. The answer should have been "nothing" as I had enough boyfriends prior to marriage to make me realize that it wasn't me. The two minute honeymoon followed by a quick shower should have said something. We had sex very sporadically until we had our two children, then sex stopped altogether. Once when we hadn't had sex in a few years, I brought that to his attention and he said, "Who's counting?" When I brought it up at year seven, he fell on the bed in a crucifixion pose and said, "Let's get it over with." From that day on I never brought sex up again.

Somewhere along the way we went to Pastoral Counseling but my husband wouldn't talk. As much as my husband would let me, I was a good wife and learned to love him. He was romantic and we hugged and kissed daily, but that was it. There were many lonely times during the last 25 years. At times I wondered if my husband was gay. This site helped me understand his orientation.

Throughout the years, my concern was always for my two children who I believe could not have handled our getting a divorce. Everyone thought we were such a strong family unit and in so many ways we were. My husband was a great guy in so many ways and someone I did admire for many reasons. But, the lack of sex and more importantly to me, the fact that we didn't talk about it, made everything seem like a sham. Two and a half years ago, my self esteem was very low and I told God I was ready for anything, meaning if he was gay or involved with someone else, I could handle it (meaning I would go through a divorce). Two weeks later he was diagnosed with cancer and he died 10 months later.

About five years before he died I started letting myself go. It seemed to be intentional. Now I exercise and am losing weight in an attempt to be more attractive. People tell me I look really good, but I don't really believe it. The thought of dating is overwhelming due to the fear of rejection. At the same time, I have high esteem in all other areas of my life.

I wish anyone else married to an asexual the best of luck. Sex outside of marriage was not an option for me, but it is an option for some. Perhaps if this organization had been around 35 years ago, my husband wouldn't have felt the need to marry a non-sexual or maybe he would have realized what he was.

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happylife
I was married to a repulsed asexual man for 32 years. I spent the first 7 years of our marriage trying to figure out what was wrong with me. The answer should have been "nothing" as I had enough boyfriends prior to marriage to make me realize that it wasn't me. The two minute honeymoon followed by a quick shower should have said something. We had sex very sporadically until we had our two children, then sex stopped altogether. Once when we hadn't had sex in a few years, I brought that to his attention and he said, "Who's counting?" When I brought it up at year seven, he fell on the bed in a crucifixion pose and said, "Let's get it over with." From that day on I never brought sex up again.

Somewhere along the way we went to Pastoral Counseling but my husband wouldn't talk. As much as my husband would let me, I was a good wife and learned to love him. He was romantic and we hugged and kissed daily, but that was it. There were many lonely times during the last 25 years. At times I wondered if my husband was gay. This site helped me understand his orientation.

Throughout the years, my concern was always for my two children who I believe could not have handled our getting a divorce. Everyone thought we were such a strong family unit and in so many ways we were. My husband was a great guy in so many ways and someone I did admire for many reasons. But, the lack of sex and more importantly to me, the fact that we didn't talk about it, made everything seem like a sham. Two and a half years ago, my self esteem was very low and I told God I was ready for anything, meaning if he was gay or involved with someone else, I could handle it (meaning I would go through a divorce). Two weeks later he was diagnosed with cancer and he died 10 months later.

About five years before he died I started letting myself go. It seemed to be intentional. Now I exercise and am losing weight in an attempt to be more attractive. People tell me I look really good, but I don't really believe it. The thought of dating is overwhelming due to the fear of rejection. At the same time, I have high esteem in all other areas of my life.

I wish anyone else married to an asexual the best of luck. Sex outside of marriage was not an option for me, but it is an option for some. Perhaps if this organization had been around 35 years ago, my husband wouldn't have felt the need to marry a non-sexual or maybe he would have realized what he was.

You were married to a repulsed asexual man for 32 years. You and your husband had sex very sporadically until you had two children, then sex stopped altogether. At year seven, he said "Let's get it over with." in a crucifixion pose, since then you never brought sex up again. 25 years of marriage that is not a "real" marriage followed.

You were just shackled in your unfulfilling marriage life and had to endure numerous lonely days and nights. How natural would it be if you had deeply rooted anger toward your husband in your heart? Who could blame you if you felt that his death had set you free? How many people would find it silly if you felt guilty in this situation? You've done nothing you should feel guilty or ashamed of.

I don't have much to tell you now. Only one thing. Live in the present. Don't look back. Your late husband should remain in the heaven. Once you've seen some closure--I'm assuming you (or something in you) are looking for some sort of closure or reconciliation from the fact that you've joined this asexual forum--quickly put him back in the coffin. Along with all the negative feelings associated with him.

You lived for a few decades feeling rejected, unloved, unworthy. That must have really hurt you. But thankfully, now you may see that it was not that you weren't loved by your husband. In fact, I am sure you know that he loved you. It was sex, the act of sex, that was rejected by him. Not you.

The past is past. Set your dark past on fire so that the ashes can go up to the heaven to rest with your husband. Seeing the fire, hit him, kick him, yell at him, or apologize to him. And then! Wipe the tears. Turn around. Go. For the future.

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Sally

I'm sad to hear on AVEN so many stories of people remaining married to each other for decades -- 20-30 years in some cases -- who were terribly unhappy (both of them, often) but who didn't want to split up because the children would be harmed by divorce.

Staying married because of religious beliefs is something neither I nor anyone can try to convince someone not to do. But children can be harmed much more by witnessing their parents constantly at odds with each other, even if they don't know why. My parents were finally divorced; my sister and her husband were finally divorced; I was divorced. In all those cases the children said "Why didn't you do it sooner?"

For people who are telling themselves they're staying for the kids, please consider: the kids will soon grow up and have their own lives; they will make it. Where will you be if you endure 30 years of unhappiness?

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Tapestry
I'm sad to hear on AVEN so many stories of people remaining married to each other for decades -- 20-30 years in some cases -- who were terribly unhappy (both of them, often) but who didn't want to split up because the children would be harmed by divorce.

Staying married because of religious beliefs is something neither I nor anyone can try to convince someone not to do. But children can be harmed much more by witnessing their parents constantly at odds with each other, even if they don't know why. My parents were finally divorced; my sister and her husband were finally divorced; I was divorced. In all those cases the children said "Why didn't you do it sooner?"

For people who are telling themselves they're staying for the kids, please consider: the kids will soon grow up and have their own lives; they will make it. Where will you be if you endure 30 years of unhappiness?

Sally...thank you for this post. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. :)

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AVENCakes
I'm sad to hear on AVEN so many stories of people remaining married to each other for decades -- 20-30 years in some cases -- who were terribly unhappy (both of them, often) but who didn't want to split up because the children would be harmed by divorce.

Staying married because of religious beliefs is something neither I nor anyone can try to convince someone not to do. But children can be harmed much more by witnessing their parents constantly at odds with each other, even if they don't know why. My parents were finally divorced; my sister and her husband were finally divorced; I was divorced. In all those cases the children said "Why didn't you do it sooner?"

For people who are telling themselves they're staying for the kids, please consider: the kids will soon grow up and have their own lives; they will make it. Where will you be if you endure 30 years of unhappiness?

I agree with this. My parents divorced when I was very young, I don't remember them married- and I'm thankful for it. My parents don't get along- they aren't as bad as some divorcees, they can be in the same room without anyone being killed, they've ended up living together the last 3 years (they're not together, though)- which is very stressful. And that's after more than a decade of trying to get along about things after the divorce. I can't imagine growing up with them forcing themselves to be together.

I know a woman who's getting a divorce from her husband, but not leaving him, because she wants to disentangle her life from his in case she does have to leave. That's an option. You can get a divorce, disentangle your lives, without leaving each other so it's not as awful- if anything, I'd think going through a divorce without the harsh feelings of a breakup would probably be easier on kids, and then you don't have to dela iwth the legal battles or risk putting the kids in the middle of it when you do leave.

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maryrachelle
Warning: somewhat graphic content

I have spent all morning reading various threads and posts on this forum and would like to thank everyone for contributing and helping those involved.

I am a sexual woman and have been in a relationship for 15 years with a man I now believe is asexual. We have been married for 12. When I married my husband, we weren’t really having sex anymore, but I obviously was suffering from cognitive dissonance and thought it would work out. I loved him very much and still do. We share a sense of humour, have a common love of many things, and are intellectually very compatible. Socially, we are very different. We have compromised like all couples – he has made the effort to become less curmudgeonly, and I have respected his need to be alone. I have my own social life which he is fine with. One of the reasons I married him was that I thought he would make a great father, and I have not been disappointed.

Call it a midlife crisis if you will, but I am currently at the stage where I am questioning our future together. I don’t want to split up but sometimes I feel it could be the only solution. Our children would however be more than devastated. Of course, we have our problems, but I feel that many of these are aggravated by the lack of sex in our relationship.

Although it is very hard for me to broach the subject, I have tried to. Unfortunately, it is usually in a list of other things we “need to talk about”. The only response I have ever received is that I was the one who started not wanting to. I vaguely recall that there was a time when my libido was down, (which happens), and I was uninterested for a time (couple of months?), but I do not recall any overtures on his part either during or after that time. Afterwards, I tried several times to initiate sex but it never came to anything. We kiss (no tongues) and cuddle and we both enjoy this, but there is never any move by my partner to touch me, even in passing, or to be close to me.

I do not want to lose my husband, but I cannot imagine the next 30 years of my life without sex. I take care of myself, but it is just not the same. Yes, I feel a barrier between us, but I have to admit that I just plain miss the physical satisfaction of sexual intercourse and, quite frankly, the pure abandonment of it. Masturbation releases a certain amount of tension, but I feel guilty and just that’s it too mechanical.

I wonder about taking a lover, (if I even had the opportunity), but obviously that could be complicated even though I feel that sex and love are distinct.

Basically, I need to find a solution, so any words of wisdom and support would be gratefully received.

I have never felt that sex and love were one and the same. You can have sex with someone you dislike even.If both you and your husband are fine with you having sex with other people strictly for sexual gratification then why not try this? I have told my boyfriend that if he wishes to visit prostitutes or meet up with people for sex only then I have no problem with this. So long as it is only sex and not any type of relationship then I could care less who he has sex with. So long as I know I have his heart and I am the one he wants to live his life with then who he has sex with is irrelevant.

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Roy(Banned)

Divorce isn't as tragic for kids as it is thought to be. I don't think reluctance to have a divorce based on your children's feelings is needed. Even if it were to devastate them (which I see no reason why it should), they can get over it.

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Roy(Banned)

.

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linjo
I'm sad to hear on AVEN so many stories of people remaining married to each other for decades -- 20-30 years in some cases -- who were terribly unhappy (both of them, often) but who didn't want to split up because the children would be harmed by divorce.

Staying married because of religious beliefs is something neither I nor anyone can try to convince someone not to do. But children can be harmed much more by witnessing their parents constantly at odds with each other, even if they don't know why. My parents were finally divorced; my sister and her husband were finally divorced; I was divorced. In all those cases the children said "Why didn't you do it sooner?"

For people who are telling themselves they're staying for the kids, please consider: the kids will soon grow up and have their own lives; they will make it. Where will you be if you endure 30 years of unhappiness?

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linjo

Actually, outside of the lack of sex, we had a good marriage/friendship and we were a very close family unit. My husband and I never fought or even had cross words. Even before I heard about asexuality, I think I had a sense that was the issue. Our children had a wonderful life and grew up to be caring and loving adults. I think it would sadden them now if they knew all of this because they thought we had the perfect marriage. When I did bring up divorce 25 years ago he told me I was free to go but that our daughters would stay with him. So after the first seven years, I came to understand that this was not something he was going to talk about with me or a counselor. I developed other interests that kept me busy - getting advanced degrees, involvement with church activities and volunteerism. It wasn't until our kids were on their own and there were no more degrees I wanted, that I contemplated the idea of divorce.

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xtra5
Actually, outside of the lack of sex, we had a good marriage/friendship and we were a very close family unit.

Your asexual spouse decided it was OK to shut down your sex life.

Don't put up with that. Especially now that your kids are grown.

Have an affair, or get a divorce. Either can work. Either option is better than spinning your wheels. Just do something.

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Sally

xtra5 you've been telling people to get divorces or have affairs on a number of threads, along with fairly unpleasant references to asexuals.

What is up with you? You seem to have a lot of anger that you're taking out on AVEN.

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happylife
Actually, outside of the lack of sex, we had a good marriage/friendship and we were a very close family unit.

Have an affair, or get a divorce. Either can work. Either option is better than spinning your wheels. Just do something.

Actually, she doesn't have to since her husband is dead. I guess you couldn't read her first post, yeah, that can happen, I know, as I once was a newbie too. ^_^

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Olivier
xtra5 you've been telling people to get divorces or have affairs on a number of threads, along with fairly unpleasant references to asexuals.

What is up with you? You seem to have a lot of anger that you're taking out on AVEN.

Sally, I'm not seeing the level of unpleasantness or anger in xtra5's very few posts that you are. And certainly not the level of anger or unpleasantness contained in your replies. Just saying.

You're often quick to point out that we're all responsible for our decisions and our part in relationships. You yourself have counselled considering divorce, especially if the alternative is to wallow in self-pity about how bad someone else is making your life. Apart from xtra5 being (only a little) blunt, I'm not sure your offense at their posts is not a tad misplaced.

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Roy(Banned)

Although Sally does seem to invest a lot of pointless emotion into her posts, I also am perceiving that xtra5 is angry at asexuals as a whole, and also seems to border on unnecessary offence at times.

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Sally
Although Sally does seem to invest a lot of pointless emotion into her posts, I also am perceiving that xtra5 is angry at asexuals as a whole, and also seems to border on unnecessary offence at times.

Why, thank you, Roy-Nilsson! :lol:

Olivier, we can agree to disagree.

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AVENCakes
Sally, I'm not seeing the level of unpleasantness or anger in xtra5's very few posts that you are. And certainly not the level of anger or unpleasantness contained in your replies. Just saying.

Here are some snippets of their posts that I think are most relevant:

"Your asexual spouse decided it was OK to shut down your sex life."

"Many asexuals are quick to advise divorce." (as they go onto advise divorce in almost every single one of their own posts, and add on the most vile act of cheating)

"Here's the situation: your wife HAS duped you - plain and simple. Now you're trapped. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be."

"It never dawned on me that people could dislike sex. So I never asked, and she didn't bring it up."

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Olivier
Sally, I'm not seeing the level of unpleasantness or anger in xtra5's very few posts that you are. And certainly not the level of anger or unpleasantness contained in your replies. Just saying.

Here are some snippets of their posts that I think are most relevant:

"Your asexual spouse decided it was OK to shut down your sex life."

"Many asexuals are quick to advise divorce." (as they go onto advise divorce in almost every single one of their own posts, and add on the most vile act of cheating)

"Here's the situation: your wife HAS duped you - plain and simple. Now you're trapped. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be."

"It never dawned on me that people could dislike sex. So I never asked, and she didn't bring it up."

Most of their posts either directly or imply blame on the asexual. They do seem to have some issues. And I don't think Sally's anger is unjustified.

Exactly my point. All but one of those are just statements of fact. The third gets into assigning blame for something that may have been unintentional. The idea that asexual spouses who initially act sexually then stop are deceivers is not new here, and as much as it is probably not often true, in any particular case it may be.

Issues? Well, yes. As someone in a similar position of not twigging to my wife's asexuality for years (in part because neither did she) I can vouch for the fact that orientation mismatches that emerge only some distance into a relationship cause issues. Who'd have thought?

Sally, I agree that blame is not the path to an answer, but I didn't see anything more that a little blowing off of steam - and not spoken at the asexual community, but in solidarity with those who have found themselves landed with relationship issues that they didn't see coming. I agree that there's a little scope for taking offense, if you were so inclined - my beef was more with the lack of perspective (as I see it) in your responses. Taking someone to task for unremitting offensiveness after less than a handful of mostly mild posts is a bit over then top, and not conducive to welcoming a diversity of viewpoints to the board. Especially in the Sexual Partners forum, I thought it was inappropriate, and frankly I nearly reported your post to the Mods as a personal attack.

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sonofzeal

Moderators (mostly me, but still) are already aware and watching. Nobody has violated the Terms of Service yet, although it might be in everyone's best interest to read them over just as a reminder.

Sally, this is an area of the site that, more than any other part of AVEN, needs to be understanding of sexuals who come here from difficult relationships in their own lives. There will be people who have had a great deal of frustration and heartbreak in their lives, and this needs to be a safe place for them.

xtra5, while this area is "for sexuals", it's also for asexuals too. Asexuals are going to read your posts, and a large portion of the replies to any particular comment will be from asexuals. We want you to feel safe to express your feelings here, but do try to be considerate in how you do it. Remember that these other situations are not going to be exactly the same as yours, and may be more complicated than you imagine from the few small posts they're explained in. You're allowed to be angry and hurting, but don't take it out on people who may not deserve it.

- Zeal

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Sally

Agreed, Zeal. Thank you for affirming that this thread is for both sexuals and asexuals.

Many asexuals, me among them, have attempted to give thoughtful replies to people posting, especially those who have suddenly (or slowly) come upon a situation in their relationship/marriage which wasn't expected. Naturally they are disturbed, hurt, and sometimes angry. But comments by other posters about the behavior of people they don't know can be hurtful to everyone who has been in such a situation. The word "duped" did affect me. I spent several years talking with my former partner, listening to his feelings about what I'd discovered, and very early on he claimed I'd duped him and lied to him. It's hard to hear that accusation, and it's hard to read such an accusation, especially when it's used "long-distance" and the accuser doesn't know either person involved.

Especially in the Sexual Partners forum, I thought it was inappropriate, and frankly I nearly reported your post to the Mods as a personal attack.

Olivier, everyone has the freedom to report posts. If you feel you must, do so.

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sonofzeal
Agreed, Zeal. Thank you for affirming that this thread is for both sexuals and asexuals.

Many asexuals, me among them, have attempted to give thoughtful replies to people posting, especially those who have suddenly (or slowly) come upon a situation in their relationship/marriage which wasn't expected. Naturally they are disturbed, hurt, and sometimes angry. But comments by other posters about the behavior of people they don't know can be hurtful to everyone who has been in such a situation. The word "duped" did affect me. I spent several years talking with my former partner, listening to his feelings about what I'd discovered, and very early on he claimed I'd duped him and lied to him. It's hard to hear that accusation, and it's hard to read such an accusation, especially when it's used "long-distance" and the accuser doesn't know either person involved.

I understand. You went through a difficult time when that accusation was unfairly used against you. At the same, I can see it from the other perspective, why someone might feel that way, fairly or unfairly. Feel free to try and explain things to them, tell your story and how things aren't always what they might seem to a confused and hurting partner. But in the future, I'd prefer if you didn't follow them to other threads and try to make a confrontation out of it, no matter how much what they say hurts. If it's that bad, report it or ignore it. If it's just bringing back too many bad memories, we have an actual Ignore feature you can access from "My Controls". Sound reasonable?

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Sally

Agreed. In this case, I didn't follow them; I simply visited the threads, and the similarity of what was said in the three threads definitely triggered what it triggered. Will simply fume in silence in future without fingers hitting keyboard!

Peace.

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AVENCakes

I do understand the issues that can arise- but that doesn't mean you have to be accusatory. It's probably better not to be. To choose your words so that it's no one's fault makes it easier to remember when dealing with the situation. If you choose to let your wording reinforce that they intentionally did something wrong, it only reinforces it in your mind and makes it harder to face the person and work to reach a compromise.

Venting is useful. But if you let venting turn into reinforcement that you're the victim- then you're only going to further hinder hte communication required to make it work. I also don't see how telling people that they were duped and trapped, that their partner forced them into this situation, etc is venting their problems, or at all helpful.

But in the future, I'd prefer if you didn't follow them to other threads and try to make a confrontation out of it, no matter how much what they say hurts.

I didn't follow them, either, I just noticed the same trend Sally had- so when Olivier commented on Sally's comment, I checked xtra5's posts to see if it was an accurate thing to say or not.

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ColBrandon

Let me attempt to propose a synthesis, or point of common ground, in this emotionally charged issue.

It seems to me that the fact that I was duping myself (and ignorant of the existence of a true orientation) does not imply that I was not duping my wife as well. If I'm being honest with myself, I was. A lie to one is also a lie to another.

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xtra5

Thanks for all the feedback. I guess our common bond is the strong emotions that we share on this subject.

I am married to an asexual, with kids. Rather than divorce, I have an affair. This decision is not for everyone, but it has worked well for us.

If you do not like my decision, I'm ok with that. (even if you call me vile!) But be aware that every difficult relationship has its own factors to balance: sex, emotions, finance, health, intimacy, kids, family, and more. What is vile to you may be sensible for someone else. I believe it is harmful to shut down consideration of ideas that may be helpful to others.

On communication style: Learning that I wasn't going to have a normal sex life with my wife was shocking, and took me a very long time to understand. If someone could have told me that my wife wasn't going to change, and there was nothing I could do to fix our incompatibility, much pain would have been avoided. I do think it is helpful to be direct. The sooner you can face facts, the sooner you can do something about it.

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