What should I do I think my girlfriend is asexual?

[SlightlyMetaphysical]

Ok, I'm pretty sure Wanderer has ben scared off now, after not replying to even the original, respectful suggestions. And I'm really disgraced at how this thread has been continued. You can tell the OP has left, he hasn't been online since October. And suddenly someone decides to ressurect this thread when its no help to the OP and everyone begins to rant on about how he's abusing his girlfriend.

I detected nothing but misplaced love in the OP. Sure, she was probably feeling pressured and scared, but it's a minor problem that they could easily work through- I think the veiw of some people on here that a relationship between a sexual and an asexual can't work unless the sexual's grovelling at the asexual's feet is stupid, and only serves to embitter aromantics and depress romantics, when there's so much else in a relationship other than sex. I know it's hard to judge from just an OP, who may not be answering the right questions, but this is meant to be a forum for visibility and education. I acknowledge some place for 'tough love' ("listen carefully- if she's crying after sex, there's something wrong and you're unwittingly emotionally abusing her" sort of thing), but how on earth is screaming 'abuse!' at someone until they leave meant to be helpful for a poor sexual who has no idea how asexuals operate? And I know it may be your pet hate, but when some sexual assumes, because she won't talk to him or stand up for her own feelings, however much he encourages her, that a woman works by the same simple formulae that it's been drilled into his head for the whole of his life that all women work by, it's our place to gently tell him where his assumptions are wrong, not to flame him for his ignorance and wanton cruelty.

So, yeah, BDSM was possibly traumatic for her. But I take the OP at his word when he says that he tried so many different things out of a (misplaced) desire for her to experience the pleasure he had come to expect all women wanted. Nowhere was it implied that he was using her anorgasmia (possibly the wrong word, but I'll use it because it sounds cool) to manipulate her into getting his own sadistic kicks, the conclusion which everyone jumped to. This may have been the case, however, it may also not, and the last thing a sexual in this situation, increasingly feeling guilty as he realises his love and care have hurt his partner, needs is gibes about how depraved he is, and how every effort to please his girlfriend in ways he thought she should be pleased, every step on this journey of his to understand her, with her kicking her heels all the way, was selfishness and cruelty.

The only mercy is that this OP, searching only for education and for kindly advice, was already out of the forums before you began to set him up as the monstrous incarnation of everything you hate about sexuals. I dread to think what would happen if you were quicker. In this thread, I am ashamed of AVEN.

[happylife]

I cannot imagine how you might be feeling after reading through this thread. I feel awful that I have made a big contribution to the chaos it has turned into. I should have been more considerate and careful. I would like to apologize to you. AVEN is a living room where anybody can come by to rest, chat, and share thoughts and information without having to worry about being judged or feeling uncomfortable. Please feel free to drop by anytime you need AVEN. We will be there for you. I hope I will hear your stories. Again, I sincerely apologize.

I wish you the best!

Happylife

[happylife]

To sexless sexual

You will never know how sorry and embarrassed I am about my reply to your post. My post sounds very angry and seems to contain some parts that can come across as rude. I understand that you want to help others and are willing to get help. I think you(your posts) have been very helpful. I am sorry that I could not be a good listener and a sensible participant in a conversation. My sincere apologies.

Happylife

To SlightlyMetaphysical

Thank you for waking me up! Your post has dragged me out of the pit of anger. I have been angry for the last several days. But now I think I'm sane again. Thank you again for the wake-up call!

Happylife

[sexless sexual]

To sexless sexual

You will never know how sorry and embarrassed I am about my reply to your post. My post sounds very angry and seems to contain some parts that can come across as rude. I understand that you want to help others and are willing to get help. I think you(your posts) have been very helpful. I am sorry that I could not be a good listener and a sensible participant in a conversation. My sincere apologies.

Happylife

No. No need for apology! Seriously. I was being truthful when I told you that your post meant much to me. I have actually saved it to-reread should things get overwhelming, again. You did not come across as rude. You came across as someone who heard everything between the lines and gave me the understanding and clue-by-four I needed. One of the characteristics of my depression is that I mix guilt in with almost all other emotions. I am much better about keeping my emotions clean, and I have actually, finally, learned to feel and use anger appropriately, rather than turn it into myself (the classic definition of depression) -- but I am not at all perfect at the practice. You just reminded me of somethings I was forgetting.

I am very grateful for your post!

[happylife]

To sexless sexual

You will never know how sorry and embarrassed I am about my reply to your post. My post sounds very angry and seems to contain some parts that can come across as rude. I understand that you want to help others and are willing to get help. I think you(your posts) have been very helpful. I am sorry that I could not be a good listener and a sensible participant in a conversation. My sincere apologies.

Happylife

I am very grateful for your post!

I am happy. Very happy. :)

I am glad that you did not find my post offensive. When I was writing it, I did not expect that it would be of any help to you. I was relieved and happy to read your reply saying that it meant a lot as I had been slightly worried. I meant everything I said in that post. And I hope it will be strong hands to support you when you are vulnerable and tender hands to gently pat you on the back when you are proud of yourself.

In my last post, I wanted to apologize to you for what I said in response to your post in this thread. If it offended you in any way.

[sonofzeal]

*pokes his modly head in and nods approvingly*

I love it when you guys resolve these things on your own. :) I've had my eye on this thread, but I think this way was best. Go, you guys! :)

[sexless sexual]

In my last post, I wanted to apologize to you for what I said in response to your post in this thread. If it offended you in any way.

Yeah, I finally figured that out. I couldn't imagine why you might have thought the post you wrote in the other thread would be at all offensive. I knew you said you were angry, but it was clear you were not angry at me!

Of course, I was confusing threads. Still, I meant what I said about the other post being very helpful.

As for the one in this thread -- nah, I don't take offense that easily. For one thing, the written word does not come across in the same way the spoken word does, so I usually assume that I'm missing a tone, or something. Or, if it seems to me to be in an offensive tone, I usually stop and ask if the offense was meant. Just to be sure.

I'm not saying I'm perfect -- some things do get me riled up, and I can think of one example on this board (although not this thread) where I was less than calm. But I try not to sweat the small stuff. And our little exchange in this thread wasn't anything at all!

Friends.

[happylife]

In my last post, I wanted to apologize to you for what I said in response to your post in this thread. If it offended you in any way.

Yeah, I finally figured that out. I couldn't imagine why you might have thought the post you wrote in the other thread would be at all offensive. I knew you said you were angry, but it was clear you were not angry at me!

Of course, I was confusing threads. Still, I meant what I said about the other post being very helpful.

As for the one in this thread -- nah, I don't take offense that easily. For one thing, the written word does not come across in the same way the spoken word does, so I usually assume that I'm missing a tone, or something. Or, if it seems to me to be in an offensive tone, I usually stop and ask if the offense was meant. Just to be sure.

I'm not saying I'm perfect -- some things do get me riled up, and I can think of one example on this board (although not this thread) where I was less than calm. But I try not to sweat the small stuff. And our little exchange in this thread wasn't anything at all!

Friends.

Thank you. :D

[SlightlyMetaphysical]

Ohh, niceness! I like niceness! :D

[thylacine]

Okay, maybe some people think we were too hard on this Wanderer person... but I still think he's putting this girl under a lot of pressure.

I am thinking of how I would feel in her shoes, that's all.

When I was her age, I had trouble speaking up for myself sometimes. And I was always intimidated by more experienced people. Maybe that's how she feels. It just sounds like this girl is not happy.

(I've been offline a few days. Power outage in my area.)

[Guest disjointed]

To be honest

If he's gone onto the internet looking for answers to save his relationship I suspect he isn't that bright after all

The fact he hasn't come back... might just mean he didn't get the answers he wanted to hear

[thylacine]

Probably he found another girlfriend, too.

[Guest Heligan]

Well we assume he hasnt been back, we dont know that for sure- maybe he just didnt log in, or used a public computer.

Im not surprised he hasnt said anything if he did take a look really- we were a bit hard on him.

[Guest disjointed]

I'm sure he's been back but as a viewer and not signed in

if he gives in after one post

then yes he's either dumped her or can't be arsed with straight honest truth

[thylacine]

Probably a little of both.

[Ilani]

Okay, even though this topic is a bit old, I really want to say something. I won't quote anyone because I've seen more than one person say this.

I think everyone seriously needs to stop BLAMING the poster. I don't think he's trying to push his sexual urges onto his girlfriend at all with the BDSM, pills, whatever. It sounded to me as if she was willing to try these things.

"Both her and me have tried many things to try and get her to enjoy sex - her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways, trips away to other cities, romantic dinners etc - you name it we have tried it seriously..."

Wow! That sure sounds like they are *both* trying to figure things out and do different sexual activities, not just the OP. I feel sorry for the poster. All he is trying to do is help his girlfriend. He even sounds like he'd be okay if she were asexual and he wants to help her figure herself out! I give the man a gold star! Making him feel bad for trying different things, which obviously sound like he had the consent of his girlfriend to try said things, is a really crappy way to welcome this dude to the AVEN community when all he is wanting is some helpful advice to talk to his girlfriend about her sexuality or possibly lack thereof.

Maybe I read the post wrong and wasn't already on the offense when I read it, but I don't think this guy is trying to push anything on his girlfriend. He's just trying to help her out. Sure, if she is asexual, doing sexual things isn't going to make the problem go away, but neither of them are sure of her asexuality. A logical thing to do would be to try different sexual activities (even though I think BDSM is a bit extreme, but that is just my opinion) to see if anything sparked her interest.

I do think it is sad though that she is so depressed and I really hope she finds out who she is soon, for both her sake and the sake of the OP. It's also so sad that she is afraid to talk with a GYN. I really don't have any good advice. It sounds like you are doing all you can. Just support her and I think it's a safe bet that trying sexual activities will no longer serve to help her in trying to find herself, whether she is sexual or asexual, but only hinder her as of now, so even if she suggests trying something else, I'd tell her no. Just show her lots of love and compassion, because what she is going through right now is very, very hard. Best of luck, dude!

[Drew051]

She Cries after sex sometimes

Asexual or not, if she's crying after sex: Take a hint and STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER! WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU!? Your girl friend is CRYING! Keep it in your pants!

Feb 3rd 09:Edited for cussing

[Guest EGD]

She Cries after sex sometimes

Asexual or not, if she's crying after sex: Take a hint and STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? Your girl friend is CRYING! Keep it in your pants!

She Cries after sex sometimes as she can’t enjoy it.

Um, Drew... we aren't there.

We don't know why she is crying. She might really be crying because she feels something is wrong with her or that she isn't "normal" the same way he is "normal."

She might also be fine with the frequency of the sex they are having. I know what it's like to have a partner want me to be able to enjoy and share something with them (and in a way that can become a "pressure"), and maybe now her partner is not making it a goal of her not reaching a climax and though this pressure/priority is now removed-- maybe now this is possibly stirring up stuff for her (his giving up on her). Like maybe she had been okay with what they were experimenting with, and then when her partner "gave up" on her being able to "successfully sexually connect/physically enjoy it"... maybe that's why she's crying? Or maybe she just somehow feels inadequate in this department and worries he will stray?

Sure mine are only hypothetical guesses too... but I guess I don't understand why we have to necessarily say this sexual OP is a "bad guy"... I don't think it works to shoot first and ask questions later. *i'm really not trying to be antagonistic here*

If this poster had stayed around and yes if we'd been a bit more willing to let him explain his situation better maybe we could've figured out more what was going on.

[World Wanderer]

OK I posted this a while ago. I thought all responses had finished. I did not expect so many responses and did not go into as much detail as some of you expected. So therefore now I will spare no details.

Just to recap - she has never had an orgasm on her own or from me and also she never masturbates. We have been together for 3 years. We have sex probably now once every four or five weeks. She hates talking about our sexual issues and tries to pretend we have none.

OK first off I have moved countries to be with her. I am from the UK and she is from Spain. I have been living in Spain for a year and half now. I am slowly learning the language. We communicate in English her English is fluent. So yes, I did get slightly angry that some of you are suggesting I am in the relationship purely for sex.

She has never lived with me I live with three flat mates (as otherwise I could end up lonely in Spain) and she lives with her parents – which obviously does affect privacy dramatically. However whenever we go to Hotels or are totally alone for a few days or weekend she still has the same issues with sex I mention.

She may be anorgasmic yes – however she does not go to the OBGYN or Dr so it is difficult for any kind of confirmation on sexual health issues. She says she will go to the OBGYN or Dr but she never organises it. Even with gentle persuasion from me once every few weeks without forcing the issue. She said when she goes she wants myself or a friend to go with her but does not want me or a friend to go into the OBGYN with her – to wait outside.

She gets no pleasure from sex and finds it painful.

She is a strong atheist (so am I) and a strong feminist.

The Pill - It was her decision to start taking the pill as she felt the condom could be what was hurting her. I did not force or even ask her to do it.

Lube – She always requests lube as it eases the pain for her. In fact she doesn’t want to have sex without lube on the rare occasion we do.

Sex Toys Lingerie etc – This was me who introduced this initially into the relationship and I will be honest quite a lot of toys. I used to fly over from the UK to see her every month or so and sometimes I brought some things – back then I did not realise about her issues as she used to force herself into having sex. Vibrator for her (used it two or three times), Lingerie for her (she never wants to put this on), sex swing (she suggested this recently – we have used it once)

BDSM – This seems to be a major sticking point for some of you. Let me say this is not heavy stuff at all EXTREMELY light. We have not tied each other up and done any extreme stuff. Actually I probably mislead some of you with this. Probably on second thought I would rule this out completely as we have not really done much of this at all if any...especially in the way I presume some of you are thinking. The most extreme thing is handcuffs.

DOM/SUB – This is probably why I mistakenly put BDSM in my original post. I mentioned we tried domination/submission both ways in my original post. The only sexual activity she seems to enjoy and she tells me she enjoys it (bare in mind she gets no direct sexual stimulation from this) is Female Domination. Again we rarely do this, mainly due to privacy I think.

Sally – i think is right that she wants intimacy but not sex. Yes I think she doesn’t want the Dr to confirm something is wrong with her and therefore this is why she does not want to go. She has looked at female sexual dysfunction articles online.

Thylacine – She cries after sex because she can’t enjoy it and she can’t please me. That is what she tells me. She doesn’t always cry. Yes I think she sometimes feels pressured with sex – this is because she does not want it. At one point I did not initiate sex for 2 months last year to see if this would help – the result of this was her getting drunk and kissing a man on a night out. I have only slept with two women.

Illy – yes I wish she would be more open about talking about it.

Illani – yes we are both trying to figure things out. Myself more than her as she has difficulty talking about these issues.

She tells me she enjoys watching TV more than having sex.

No I am not abusing my girlfriend. If anything she is abusing me with the female domination :P

I would like to suggest she looks at AVEN but I will wait till she has gone to the OBGYN and Dr first to see if there is a problem which can be solved.

Comments welcome.

[Cazz333]

Try to stimulate her indirectly. Maybe her erogenous zones are too sensitive which might explain her inability to orgasm and enjoy it.