What should I do I think my girlfriend is asexual?

[World Wanderer]

I am 24 and my girlfriend is 21 we have been dating for 3 years. But we have never lived together.

She lost her virginity to me. I have had sex with other women and they definitely enjoyed it and regularly achieved orgasm. My girlfriend has never had an orgasm on her own or with me. She also never masturbates.

My girlfriend and me have sex once every three weeks or less (five weeks is not uncommon) and normally my girlfriend is doing it just to please me. She gets no pleasure from sex. Both her and me have tried many things to try and get her to enjoy sex - her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways, trips away to other cities, romantic dinners etc - you name it we have tried it seriously...

I am now starting to get convinced she is asexual. We both love each other and she regularly kisses and cuddles me. She reads articles on the internet on female sexual dysfunction. She Cries after sex sometimes as she can’t enjoy it.

At the moment my life has little privacy (i live with flat mates) and she also has little privacy as well (she lives with parents). I am saving up to buy a house so I will be on my own in a year – two years. My girlfriend would come and live with me. I am hoping this space will allow her to express her sexuality more, as I worry she is just concerned about privacy. However she also does not want sex in hotels when we are alone so I doubt this will help.

How can I approach her to talk about her being asexual? She hates talking about sex as she wants to pretend we don’t have sexual problems in our relationship. She refuses to go to the Dr or Gynaecologist as she is scared. I don’t know what to do to help her and our relationship as we both love each other.

[true_love]

She might not be asexual - she might just be anorgasmic. Lots and lots of women are. I think you should keep trying. It's good that she's keen to have and enjoy sex ... that doesn't sound much like an asexual to me.

Hugs

Juliette

[Sally]

It doesn't sound like she wants to have or enjoy sex, but she does want to please you. There are lots of women who are anorgasmic, but since asexuality wasn't known about until very recently, they might be so because they're asexual. It's a sad thing constantly searching (for years) for that elusive orgasm, especially if you're not likely going to reach it because you're trying to do it the wrong way (with another person) or you're just not really interested in having one except to feel "normal."

No one can diagnose anyone else, but from what you say, she sounds like she wants intimacy but not sex. That's often the case with romantic asexuals -- wanting a relationship and even cuddling/hugging but not actual sex with another person. She's probably very worried because it's scary thinking something's wrong with you, and she doesn't want it "confirmed" by seeing a doctor.

Why don't you suggest that she look at AVEN? Tell her you've found this site and that you think she might find it interesting.

You sound very supportive of her. Good luck.

[Joshua]

It doesn't sound like she wants to have or enjoy sex, but she does want to please you. There are lots of women who are anorgasmic, but since asexuality wasn't known about until very recently, they might be so because they're asexual. It's a sad thing constantly searching (for years) for that elusive orgasm, especially if you're not likely going to reach it because you're trying to do it the wrong way (with another person) or you're just not really interested in having one except to feel "normal."

No one can diagnose anyone else, but from what you say, she sounds like she wants intimacy but not sex. That's often the case with romantic asexuals -- wanting a relationship and even cuddling/hugging but not actual sex with another person. She's probably very worried because it's scary thinking something's wrong with you, and she doesn't want it "confirmed" by seeing a doctor.

Why don't you suggest that she look at AVEN? Tell her you've found this site and that you think she might find it interesting.

You sound very supportive of her. Good luck.

Sally's advice is sound.

Only your girlfriend will be able to explain and provide you with the answers you are seeking.

[happylife]

My girlfriend and me have sex once every three weeks or less (five weeks is not uncommon) and normally my girlfriend is doing it just to please me. She gets no pleasure from sex. Both her and me have tried many things to try and get her to enjoy sex - her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways, trips away to other cities, romantic dinners etc - you name it we have tried it seriously...

I was a bit disturbed to hear that you had had to get "her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways..." involved to help your girlfriend enjoy sex. I found it a rather aggressive way to go about dealing with sexual incompatibility. Being aware of your desperateness to bring her to orgasm, she may desperately want to enjoy sex, which means she may be eager to be something she is presumably not because of the tension she feels.

I am now starting to get convinced she is asexual. We both love each other and she regularly kisses and cuddles me. She reads articles on the internet on female sexual dysfunction. She Cries after sex sometimes as she can’t enjoy it.

I used to consider myself to be sexually disabled. As now I am with someone who does not really care whether I have an orgasm during sex, I feel comfortable with and feel good about myself and my body because as long as I don't need to climax, I'm a perfectly normal person with a fully functioning body capable of satisfying a man.

Her not having orgasms has nothing to do with your manhood or your ability to sexually please women. You are the man she loves. A very special man for her. She may be a person who doesn't get much pleasure from sex. That's all. No more, no less. Why don't you sit her down and talk with her to find out what her wants and needs are? And please don't forget to make sure you keep things gentle and slow and respect her boundaries. Good luck!

[evanescence]

She might not be asexual - she might just be anorgasmic. Lots and lots of women are. I think you should keep trying. It's good that she's keen to have and enjoy sex ... that doesn't sound much like an asexual to me.

Hugs

Juliette

I disagree. She sounds very asexual to me, because she has no desire for sex and doesn't enjoy it when they have it. It's not that she gets all hot and bothered but can't go over the edge. It sounds like she's getting nothing from the experience. She may intellectually want to enjoy sex (the "want to want sex" phenomenon), but from the OP's description she has yet to enjoy any aspect of it.

E.

[Maniah]

When i first started having sex.. Emotionally I enjoyed it.. But physically I felt nothing. After a while though, over time, I learned my body. I knew that if I lifted my hips just so, or arched my back just then, or if he did it this way rather than that way.. That my body would react to the physical pleasure a lot more.

While you may be well aware of what makes YOUR body happy, SHE needs to learn what, if anything, makes her body happy.

Thats how it worked for me.. I had the mental, emotional happy feeling from sex. Thats what i cherish most. learning what my body wanted just came as a bonus.. I had to stop being shy and speak up.

Tell her to direct you. If one stroke feels better than the other strokes, she needs to let you know so that you know and can try and duplicate it. If she feels better with her legs up, then she needs to let you know that she likes it that way so you can get her in a position where she likes that.

Communication. It may not fix everything, but its still the best solution out there for any problem.

But yeah, Im one of those girls who in the beginning did not physically (Im talking tingly orgasms or close to one) enjoy sex. Around when I started to enjoy it, about a year into the relationship, my boyfriends sex interest had dropped down pretty low. nearly nonexistant.

Dont know if any of this helped, but maybe something will give you an idea or some hope.

P.S. I read somewhere that women mature sexually at a later stage in life than men. Maybe she is slower than most?

[rolls100]

She might not be asexual - she might just be anorgasmic. Lots and lots of women are. I think you should keep trying. It's good that she's keen to have and enjoy sex ... that doesn't sound much like an asexual to me.

Hugs

Juliette

I disagree. She sounds very asexual to me, because she has no desire for sex and doesn't enjoy it when they have it. It's not that she gets all hot and bothered but can't go over the edge. It sounds like she's getting nothing from the experience. She may intellectually want to enjoy sex (the "want to want sex" phenomenon), but from the OP's description she has yet to enjoy any aspect of it.

E.

I agee with E. Your girlfriend does sounds like an asexual and you should not blame yourself. While you feel sexual urges when you are with her, she won't. She'll never feel what you feel. This is a long term problem that will probably never go away. I've been in your position all my life and there are no easy answers. If she can understand your sexuality, as well as her own, then I would suggest that your only chance for long term happiness will depend on openness, communication and compromise. Good luck. You're going to need it if you stay together.

[cait]

Wow, your girlfriend sounds a lot like, well ... me!

Send her a link to this website, see what she says about it!

It is so good to hear that you care about her enough to really look into the problem. Believe me, not a lot of people do that! You really seem to have a clear perception of what's going on in her mind, and that is great! Seems to me like you guys might have a happy relationship no matter what.

I think though one thing to remember/try/whathaveyou, and this is one thing I always thought about that I never really received from a partner, is when you are exploring each other intimately/sexually you don't want to be pressuring her to think that sex should be some certain expected thing, or it should work out in a certain way. I think a lot of the disappointment of sex comes from the fact that we are taught sex should have specific outcomes and quite often it doesn't. That's only a problem because of the social pressures though. If she gets upset because she can't enjoy it, then there's a problem. Maybe you two are just thinking about it the wrong way. Really find out what she desires from your relationship, and work on that in your sex life. If it is intimacy, and pleasing one another, and attempting to achieve the impossible goal of orgasm might not be the way to achieve what you both want. If she has a problem with the genitals thing, I think it's really important to spend more time away from genital concentration. You say she enjoys cuddling you. She'll probably like intimate touch away from the erogenous zones. And it's important to note that you can spend lots of time sex without having intercourse too. I think there's a whole lot more to sex than achieving orgasm. So maybe you should work with other aspects of your sexuality, take things much slower on a physical scale. Spend a few time where you don't actually do intercourse (although, I don't know if that's impossible for most males or what) but where you are still able to be intimate. I think that might take the pressure off that a specific action necessarily means you must have sex with each other. And if there's less pressure for performance or duty then when you guys actually do have intercourse, it might be more enjoyable, when it's backed up with the knowledge that sex is more than just reaching some misunderstood goal.

At least, that's what I always felt like in my relationships. Like no matter what any guy said, it still felt like there were hundreds of expectations to perform in some specific manner that they were used to, and that society informed them. And I simply could not live up to any of it. I also had a boyfriend who thought orgasming was absolutely necessary, and was so concerned over it that it just irritated me. For a lot of us girls, I would say, achieving orgasm is more like a social pressure rather than something we actually desire, in my opinion.

So just a few things to keep in mind.

[cait]

I used to consider myself to be sexually disabled. As now I am with someone who does not really care whether I have an orgasm during sex, I feel comfortable with and feel good about myself and my body because as long as I don't need to climax, I'm a perfectly normal person with a fully functioning body capable of satisfying a man.

Her not having orgasms has nothing to do with your manhood or your ability to sexually please women. You are the man she loves. A very special man for her. She may be a person who doesn't get much pleasure from sex. That's all. No more, no less. Why don't you sit her down and talk with her to find out what her wants and needs are? And please don't forget to make sure you keep things gentle and slow and respect her boundaries. Good luck!

Really well said! Good to hear that there are people who aren't concerned with the all-important-sex-defining-moment of the climax. (makes me roll my eyes at people!)

[sexless sexual]

Lots of great advice already given. Let me add my voice about orgasm: Female orgasm is a complicated thing, much more so than male orgasm. Many, many women have to learn to orgasm. Some women remain anorgasmic their entire lives. It has nothing to do with your prowess, her sexiness, or any other "standard" culture places on sex. Every body is unique.

I caught one thing no one else has mentioned (that I've seen.) You said she's afraid to go to her GYN.

This could be a sign of some sexual dysfunction that can be helped, as opposed to true asexuality. Something is making her afraid. Few women enjoy going to the GYN, and we all put it off a lot -- but fear is something else. It could be an indication of some kind of sexual abuse or, in a less horrible vein, some unpleasant association that is now so deeply embedded it is getting in her way.

Let me stress: I am not saying that asexuality is a dysfunction. I'm saying that a lack of interest or enjoyment in sex can also be something else, and it could be worth checking out. If she is asexual, the good folk here at AVEN can help a lot.

Is there a counselor, minister/priest or GP/family doctor she feels comfortable going to, where she could discuss some of this?

[thylacine]

"I was a bit disturbed to hear that you had had to get "her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways..." involved to help your girlfriend enjoy sex. I found it a rather aggressive way to go about dealing with sexual incompatibility. Being aware of your desperateness to bring her to orgasm, she may desperately want to enjoy sex, which means she may be eager to be something she is presumably not because of the tension she feels."

I am also disturbed by this. I hope this poor kid wakes up soon and gets the courage to leave. No wonder this poor girl isn't enjoying any sex! Maybe she's not asexual? You do all this "bdsm" and other weird stuff? That poor girl!!!

Aren't you thinking of how she feels when you make her play these games? Do you think she may feel used and hurt and maybe even frightened? You say, "She Cries after sex sometimes as she can’t enjoy it." Well, after doing "bdsm," of course she would cry.

It really says a lot, the fact that she cries after sex.

It sounds to me like she's only having sex to please you, she's not getting anything out of it for herself, and you're making her go through all this "bdsm" and other assorted stuff. I am very, very concerned that you are involving this poor girl in this "bdsm" stuff and she's probably very uncomfortable and doing it because she's not mature enough or brave enough to say no to you.

I am sorry to sound angry with you, Wanderer. But honestly, even if I weren't asexual, if I was in a relationship like that, I wouldn't put up with it. I'd be gone.

[ily]

She hates talking about sex as she wants to pretend we don’t have sexual problems in our relationship.

Well, that's the major problem right there-- it isn't her sexuality. I have no idea how ANYONE, sexual or ace, can have a satisfactory sex life if they won't ever talk about sex. Get her talking first, and go from there.

[Sally]

I'm with Thylacine --- leave that poor girl alone, for pete's sake!

Ministers, priests, counselors, sex toys, gynecologists, and now "get her to talk about sex" -- what is this, a series of exams for her? Who decided that she has to do all that just to please one other person? Who's in charge of her life, everyone but her?

If she weren't depressed and confused before, she will be soon. And she sure isn't going to turn into a raving sex maniac with all this stuff.

[Guest Heligan]

I am 24 and my girlfriend is 21 we have been dating for 3 years. But we have never lived together.

She lost her virginity to me. I have had sex with other women and they definitely enjoyed it and regularly achieved orgasm. My girlfriend has never had an orgasm on her own or with me. She also never masturbates.

My girlfriend and me have sex once every three weeks or less (five weeks is not uncommon) and normally my girlfriend is doing it just to please me. She gets no pleasure from sex. Both her and me have tried many things to try and get her to enjoy sex - her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways, trips away to other cities, romantic dinners etc - you name it we have tried it seriously...

I am now starting to get convinced she is asexual. We both love each other and she regularly kisses and cuddles me. She reads articles on the internet on female sexual dysfunction. She Cries after sex sometimes as she can’t enjoy it.

At the moment my life has little privacy (i live with flat mates) and she also has little privacy as well (she lives with parents). I am saving up to buy a house so I will be on my own in a year – two years. My girlfriend would come and live with me. I am hoping this space will allow her to express her sexuality more, as I worry she is just concerned about privacy. However she also does not want sex in hotels when we are alone so I doubt this will help.

How can I approach her to talk about her being asexual? She hates talking about sex as she wants to pretend we don’t have sexual problems in our relationship. She refuses to go to the Dr or Gynaecologist as she is scared. I don’t know what to do to help her and our relationship as we both love each other.

When you say she gets no pleasure from sex are you inferring that from the lack of orgasms or is this something she said to you?

Because quite often women enjoy sex without orgasms and arent that bothered by not having them. There has been so much about womens right to orgasms that we seem to have stopped asking women if they are a priority or not- now its almost something that is demanded of women.

If this is the case with your girlfriend and you going on about her having an orgasm, maybe even during sex, is going to be annoying/distressing/unerotic for her- maybe she would fake it if she knew what to do- but as you say she has never had an orgasm, so probably is a bit lacking in confidence in the faking it area.

She may not want to talk about sex as she is worried what your next 'fix-it' solution is going to be. If you do speak to her about being asexual, is this something you see as being fix-able too?

Before you talk to her you need to decide if it is something you can accomodate, and imagine the various possible compromises decide where you stand. There little point having the conversation, if asexuality is something you cant see yourself dealing with- and from the way you are talking Im not sure you can do without sex altogether if that is what she says she wants.

Reading between the lines, you seem to need her to be sexuality attracted to you and an eager participant in sex. You dont say anything about the rest of your relationship at all for instance.

[thylacine]

I think you're really putting way too much pressure on this poor girl.

She was a virgin when she met you, now you're doing everything and anything to make her have all these orgasms. Besides putting her through all this "bdsm" trauma, which you probably enjoy for yourself, you're probably traumatizing her even more by making her have a real self image problem.

This stuff you're putting her through could really make her have emotional problems and relationship problems later in life. She might need major counseling just to get over this relationship she's having now.

I think it's self centered of you to be putting her through this trauma, all just for sex.

Are you treating her like a living, breathing human being? Or like a sex toy that exists just for you? She's not getting all excited over you, so you make like she's got a major issue herself. Really pay attention to the fact she cries after having sex with you. REALLY.

She'll never want to have sex again after this stuff you're putting her through. She might not even be asexual. She might be just overwhelmed and under too much pressure from you.

Maybe you need to think more deeply about your motives for putting her through this stuff. Is it an ego thing? Like, she's not achieving big orgasms with you, so you feel you need to do like a major overhaul on this poor girl?

[happylife]

I think you're really putting way too much pressure on this poor girl.

She was a virgin when she met you, now you're doing everything and anything to make her have all these orgasms. Besides putting her through all this "bdsm" trauma, which you probably enjoy for yourself, you're probably traumatizing her even more by making her have a real self image problem.

This stuff you're putting her through could really make her have emotional problems and relationship problems later in life. She might need major counseling just to get over this relationship she's having now.

I think it's self centered of you to be putting her through this trauma, all just for sex.

Are you treating her like a living, breathing human being? Or like a sex toy that exists just for you? She's not getting all excited over you, so you make like she's got a major issue herself. Really pay attention to the fact she cries after having sex with you. REALLY.

She'll never want to have sex again after this stuff you're putting her through. She might not even be asexual. She might be just overwhelmed and under too much pressure from you.

Maybe you need to think more deeply about your motives for putting her through this stuff. Is it an ego thing? Like, she's not achieving big orgasms with you, so you feel you need to do like a major overhaul on this poor girl?

i was freaked out by bdsm dom/sub stuff in the original post really. i even had to wait a little like a day or two to calm myself down because i was very "disturbed" but i really wanted to.. no no i really felt that i had to say something to this man. now i'm saying all this because i don't think he will come back here again. it may sound cruel to her, though, i hope he's not with her by now. if sexless sexual was right and she was abused, this is a really big problem. i've heard that many girls who were abused when they were children often have trouble saying no. and she was being further traumatized.. f***. i hope she is not this case and just a young woman who was so overwhelmed by this greatly sexually motivated boyfriend(Heligan points out,, "You dont say anything about the rest of your relationship at all for instance." -_-). i agree with you, Thylacine. you've said all i'm wanting to say. i think this is a really really unhealthy relationship for her indeed.

[thylacine]

This poor girl just needs to find the courage to leave this man.

She probably wasn't abused. I would guess he's a lot more experienced than her, and he's putting her under tremendous pressure to live up to his fantasies and his expectations for her. He is involving her in stuff that probably makes her feel way uncomfortable.

She just needs to find it within herself to leave him.

[happylife]

This poor girl just needs to find the courage to leave this man.

She probably wasn't abused. I would guess he's a lot more experienced than her, and he's putting her under tremendous pressure to live up to his fantasies and his expectations for her. He is involving her in stuff that probably makes her feel way uncomfortable.

She just needs to find it within herself to leave him.

seems like he's just too pressurizing her. i'm a little concerned because first experiences can shape the base of things. hope she gets over this and will be able to form a healthy relationship with the next partner and have sound sexual relations with men.. if she isn't asexual.

[sexless sexual]

I wasn't as squigged by the mention of BSDM experimentation at first read. It was in a whole list of things the OP said the couple had been trying to make their sex lives "better." Like all things, BSDM comes with an entire continuum of degrees, and experimentation is something sex counselors suggest to sexuals all the time.

That said, after cait, sally and others posted, I went back and re-read. I'm still willing to give the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume it was mere experimentation. But, if it isn't, then yeah, this is an ugly situation, whether intentional or not.

I also wouldn't dwell too much on his "obsession" with sex. The topic of this board is all about sex/asexuality. Of course that would be the topic of discussion.

World Wanderer, if you're still around -- You need to slow down. Not just with this woman, but in general. You sound very goal oriented -- orgasm, enjoy sex, frequent sex -- but a sexual relationship isn't about the goal, it's about the journey, especially if your goal is female orgasm. You are both very young (from my 55-year-old point of view.) Talk to the girl. (I hear music.) More importantly, listen to the girl. Cogitate on what she says before responding. Consider having sex less often but more intensely, savoring every minute. Love her. Whether the two of you stay together or not, you both have a long time of relationship ahead of you. You don't have to get there all in one year!

And if I'm wrong, and you are pushing her to fulfill your fantasies, then know this. Even among sexuals, how well she can fulfill yours is directly proportional to how well you can fulfill hers. It is also directly proportional to how welcoming you can be of less-than-fantasy gifts.

Slow down. Calm down. And give her a chance to breathe!

[thylacine]

She may or may not be asexual. But I really don't think he's treating her very well. He projecting a lot of his fantasies on her, I think. He has expectations for her, and he seems frustrated that she's not meeting his expectations.

[sexless sexual]

She may or may not be asexual. But I really don't think he's treating her very well. He projecting a lot of his fantasies on her, I think. He has expectations for her, and he seems frustrated that she's not meeting his expectations.

I don't disagree with you. I simply do not wish to assume motivation.

I certainly hope Wanderer is reading all this and stops to think a bit!

[thylacine]

Yes, he really needs to think seriously about how he's treating her.

It seems like he's trying to make her evolve into a sex-goddess and he's frustrated that she's not becoming his fantasy of what she should be for him.

[thylacine]

This situation reminds me of 2 guys I hung around with before I realized I was grade-A.

I was very young, nineteen. This one dude wanted to marry me. He wanted to marry me like within a week of meeting me. He was in a big hurry to get married. But his thing was, he was trying to remake me into his image of what he thought I should be for him. He had a fantasized ideal of what the perfect woman should be. My problem is that I'm pretty, and he liked how I look, but not my personality. He needed to remake my personality to fit into his plans. My plans did not count. I wanted to go to college and have a career. He did everything to try and convince me to quit college and quit my job. He wanted a stay at home housewife. He kept arguing constantly with me, about work, the place of women in the home, the place of women in society, the abilities of women, and the intelligence of women relative to the intellectual ability of men (his vocabulary and educational level were actually quite poor, by the way), and we kept having this argument, over and over, "I am going to college." "No you are not. No wife of mine gonna go to no college! You gonna stay home, and do what you're told!" I left him. It is wrong to try to force someone to become what you fantasize they should become for you.

Another dude was a pagan, said he worshipped "fertility goddesses." (Yeah, right.) He worshipped the all-giving feminine mother earth, blah-blah-blah. Especially that all-giving part, I'll bet. He got frustrated with me too, when I did not suddenly turn into his sex-goddess for him to "worship." I dumped him too.

You cannot re-make another person into your image of what they should be. It's wrong.

[Maniah]

\Both her and me have tried many things to try and get her to enjoy sex - her on the pill, lube, sex toys, bdsm, dom/sub both ways, trips away to other cities, romantic dinners etc - you name it we have tried it seriously...

You guys are harping on this eguy for this line... But READ. READ what he actually wrote "Both HER and I". This is something they did together. "WE have tried it"

This guy isnt saying "Ive tried to get her to.." It sounds to me like this is a couple trying to work through problems. You dont just shout "OH NO!! LEAVE HIM!" the minute a problem springs up. If the Love is there then you try to work through things constantly. And working through something like this is one really big hurdle.

World Wanderer, Please have heart and be encouraged. Keep the lines of communication completely open with your girlfriend. Encourage her to talk to you. If she isnt talking, ask gentle questions to get a conversation going. Make her feel comfortable discussing this with you.

Maybe she will be like me and she will learn to read her own body language and will start to enjoy sex more.

But maybe she will be a woman who simply doesnt or cant orgasm. I myself rarely ever achieve orgasm, I think i can count on one hand how many i have had :P But I still enjoy the sex. Nor orgams doesnt mean it isnt fun.

If it is the orgasm thats the problem, dont make a big deal out of it. Just tell her that its ok. Not all women have them. And, is there anything she would like you to do?

Or maybe she will be one of those out there who sex is no big deal to. She may do it to make you happpy, but she may not ever enjoy it. Thats something you both will have to learn to cope with.

If you do figure out how to cope with it, let me know. Im still trying to figure that one out :)

In short... Good luck and be sensitive and get her to come to this website. Its opened my eyes a lot in just two days.

[thylacine]

I dunno... he did say she cries after having sex with him. That's not a good sign, Maniah...

[sexless sexual]

I dunno... he did say she cries after having sex with him. That's not a good sign, Maniah...

But we don't know the reason for the tears. As I said, I don't like to assume motivation. Both Maniah and I have scared our husbands by crying when we did have sex, and it wasn't out of fear or dislike!

I hope these two find someone to talk to, because it sounds to me as though they both have half-baked ideas of how a relationship, and in particular a sexual one, "should" go. They are not alone! Sometimes I think the US is one huge dysfunctional psyche over sex. Her tears could be because she's trying so hard to give him what he wants and sees herself as failing. It could be from frustration. It could be because their emphasis on her orgasm or lack thereof is robbing her of the pleasurable things she would like to get out of sex. Or, indeed, it could be because she is asexual, and Wanderer, unwittingly, is pressing her to the point of emotional distress, if not abuse.

Wanderer -- are you getting all this?

And I continue to be concerned about her fear of the GYN. Regardless of her sexuality, getting regular preventive care is important. The fear has to be from something, and it's not a far stretch to wonder if that and her concerns with sex aren't related.

About trying to change her -- Not being able to change your partner isn't just pertinent to sex. The Cinderella myth as presented in the US ever since Disney's movie promises that marriage will make everything ok. Once you get married, then you'll happy. The truth, of course, is that no one else can make you happy. The only place you can find happiness is in yourself.

My heart goes out to these two.

[happylife]

I dunno... he did say she cries after having sex with him. That's not a good sign, Maniah...

But we don't know the reason for the tears. As I said, I don't like to assume motivation. Both Maniah and I have scared our husbands by crying when we did have sex, and it wasn't out of fear or dislike!

"My girlfriend and me have sex once every three weeks or less (five weeks is not uncommon) and normally my girlfriend is doing it just to please me. She gets no pleasure from sex."

"She hates talking about sex"

"She refuses to go to the Dr or Gynaecologist as she is scared."

then my eyes revisited this part:

"She Cries after sex sometimes as she can't enjoy it."

is it very weird that i think the tears might not be a good sign?

[sexless sexual]

then my eyes revisited this part:

"She Cries after sex sometimes as she can't enjoy it."

is it very weird that i think the tears might not be a good sign?

No, not at all! It's a reasonable assumption. I'm just saying that a post summarizing a troubled relationship is hardly sufficient for us to determine motivations. We've all been telling Wanderer to ease up.

Assumptions are only as good as the data they are based on, and even then, an assumption is not a fact. It seems a bit premature to judge, imo. But as a suggestion for him to think about -- oh, yeah!

[happylife]

Assumptions are only as good as the data they are based on, and even then, an assumption is not a fact. It seems a bit premature to judge, imo. But as a suggestion for him to think about -- oh, yeah!

ok. motivation. i don't want to assume motivation because it doesn't interest me at all right now. i always believe that most people don't intend to harm others.

what pisses me off is not his sexual experimentation of bdsm itself. it is the way he is treating her. not listening to her. not taking her tears seriously. not paying attention to the way her body responds. female bodies are very delicate. he must have noticed something "weird" going on. if he couldn't get the slightest bit of hint, i have got nothing to say. but i'm pretty sure he sensed something if he didn't know what it was. maybe that's one of the contexts where the idea of GYN visits occurred to him. only assumptions? yes, right. only assumption.

i'm seriously hoping he'll learn to listen.

she is participating in sexual acts. there may be many reasons why she keeps doing sex acts with him. she's not mature enough or just afraid of losing him. i don't know. though she looks quite willing to do sexual things, she expresses her emotional or psychological unwillingness in a different language that is crying, which troubles me deeply.

he already knows a lot. it's not that they don't communicate at all. it seems that he is not ready to date someone like her who is not that keen on sex.

I think he needs to understand that there are people who are not like him.

his trying to "get her to enjoy sex" is wrong. very wrong. he says she gets nothing out of sex. if so, he should treat her differently instead of mentally getting stuck in the past sex scenes he appeared in with other women. you can introduce cool stuff to people you care about. making them enjoy it is a different thing.

i find apples beautiful. but i don't like eating them. whether or not i will be able to enjoy eating apples is not really in my boyfriend's hands. there's practically nothing he can do about me not liking apples. if he walks patiently one step behind me showing how much he loves me, i'd find myself slowly moving forward, that is, trying to eat more. my life is relatively quiet but full of small excitements since there's plenty of things i find interesting in the world so i don't need to ask anyone to help me enjoy eating them.