How do asexuals handle "sexual" attention?

[peace]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations? I like to do some things that cause others to assume I'm looking for a sexual relationship, like going out alone a lot, going dancing by myself, etc. . I don't blame people, everyone makes some assumptions at some point, but how do you handle a guy (I'm female) without offending him so he won't become nasty, rude, or a stalker? I go out alone a lot because I simply like to go out (movies, restaurants, etc.) and rarely have anyone to go with me. I also LOVE to dance, always have, and I go to clubs where you don't need a partner, you just get out on the floor and dance. I've run into this problem for years, but I'm an "older" asexual, have more time and go out more, and things are getting scarier. I realized I get too flustered and don't handle situations as well as I'd like. Any advice? I'd stay home more but I get really depressed.

[cijay]

I'm afraid I don't handle them very well but then I also know that for someone to be desperate enough to come on to me, they must've tried it with every other woman in the room already or they're so drunk they'd fuck anything with a body temperature and a heartbeat.

I just find something else to do, somewhere else to go. The funny thing is...even without the asexuality, I'm still not interested in guys.

[isillote]

There are all sorts of things you can do. Personally I just freeze them out by being very polite, but cool, refusing all offers of drinks and dances. If they pay you a compliment, say thank you and smile briefly. Don't make any but the briefest responses to their attempts to start a conversation. They should get the message, without you publicly hurting their ego.

You could tell them the truth, that you're only out to have a dance and are not interested in any more than that. Very firmly.

If he's really persistent after you've politely said no, then tell him that it doesn't matter how many times or different ways he asks, the answer will still be no. It's nothing to do with him, you're just not interested. Refuse to answer any further questions and turn away. This should do the trick.

If he still persists, then he's an idiot. To hell with politeness, tell him to piss off. In extremis have a word with the security guys and get him ejected. But that is extreme. I've only ever had to do that once in my life.

[JustJudy]

This is one of the main reasons I stay home alone all the dang time! I can't imagine going to a restaurant or dancing alone because I get hit on by men in the drugstore and grocery store and it's very uncomfortable! Good for you that you don't let the unwanted attention keep you home alone, maybe someday I'll be "grown up enough" to do that... (I'm 52... :redface: )

[Guest Heligan]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations? I like to do some things that cause others to assume I'm looking for a sexual relationship, like going out alone a lot, going dancing by myself, etc. . I don't blame people, everyone makes some assumptions at some point, but how do you handle a guy (I'm female) without offending him so he won't become nasty, rude, or a stalker? I go out alone a lot because I simply like to go out (movies, restaurants, etc.) and rarely have anyone to go with me. I also LOVE to dance, always have, and I go to clubs where you don't need a partner, you just get out on the floor and dance. I've run into this problem for years, but I'm an "older" asexual, have more time and go out more, and things are getting scarier. I realized I get too flustered and don't handle situations as well as I'd like. Any advice? I'd stay home more but I get really depressed.

I developed the 'no eye contact' rule several years ago, most men need some encouragement to make a move.

I suppose your dancing could be taken as a general 'come on' to all men in the room, which is unfortunate as you say... as someone else said just on the right side of polite but brief and none flirty, is probably your best bet.

You could get yourself a 'Just here to dance' T-shirt, but that might just give them something to say and make things worse! lol But what you wear will matter I should think... so unless you have to look sexy to get in to these clubs why not try to not look sexy.

Unfortunately in my experience, the older, fatter and less desirable I get, the more those that do make a move, tend to assume I am desperate enough to take them; I think responses to me rejecting folk are getting nastier too (but as the chat up seems to go: put her down, then pick her up- frankly Im OK with them feeling crap about it, and not to scared by the hostility).

If things are not as clear cut as an obvious pick up.... and its all a bit 'innocent friendly' (to the extent you dont know if it a facade or true)- find being friendly but asexual, works quite well to get the message across- no flirting, pretending not to understand flirting (if they explain flirting, feel free to tell them you were ignoring it in the hope it would stop).

[jay williams]

For my two cents: Isn't this no different than for sexuals? I mean sexuals---even the nymphomaniacs---have to deal with attention unwanted from those who are unwanted. Sexuals also get unwanted attention, and have to deal with it.

In some ways, being an asexual is easier. An asexual just has to say "no" I don't do sex. Period. A sexual has to say "no" I do sex---and? Well, yes, to sex, but no to you? I don't welcome sex with you, because....well...how do you tell somebody you don't like them so much...even though you like to f*ck? LOL

A few ways to say "no":

I am on my period.

It is contrary to my religion.

I am married.

I am already spoken for.

I am gay/lesbian.

I don't have protection (birth control)

I got herpes/AIDS.

I hate sex.

You won't get laid, regardless what you do.

I love to tease, but that is all you get is a tease!

I hate men.

I have to pick up my kids in an hour.

I don't do sex.

My lover would get upset.

[Trix]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations?

Maybe we can start a meme - start making badges with purple triangles and the word "asexual" on them and wearing them in public places. Hey, where's the ace-merchandise page?

[Trix]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations?

Maybe we can start a meme - start making badges with purple triangles and the word "asexual" on them and wearing them in public places. Hey, where's the ace-merchandise page?

Something like this:

http://img243.imageshack.us/my.php?image=triangleql8.jpg

[Guest back_slash123]

I ignore it like nothing happened or when they want a hug or something say I have space issues

[thescientist]

I usually just tell them I am not interested depending on how they approach me. If they approach me respectful, I turn them down respectful. If they don't then they wish they had after I'm through with them but that's a small minority that try that approach. For some reason, I have an intimidating aura, it's beyond me LOL. I think it's my success level, age, and maturity that turns them off, which is great! But for the most part the majority just ask am I seeing anyone or do I have a BF? And I found the most easy thing to do is to say YES. Because if I say NO then I have to answer questions, waste more of my time listening to them, and deal with advances and once that happens I don't become nice anymore, I become bored and irritated and you can hear it in my voice. So YES is more cut and clean for everyone!

[Starscream]

I've been approached before by guys who were interested in a relationship with me, but the non-rude method I use is just to tell them that I already am in a relationship. I've told them before that I wasn't interested in a relationship, but the usual response I get is, "well, you might change your mind with me". So, I've stuck to the "I'm in a relationship" response, and when they hear that, they don't ask anymore.

[kt8]

Send out those awesome asexy "vibes" and avoid them them completely?? That's what I do. I don't even have to deal with those sexuals. :P

[Gustav]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations? I like to do some things that cause others to assume I'm looking for a sexual relationship, like going out alone a lot, going dancing by myself, etc. . I don't blame people, everyone makes some assumptions at some point, but how do you handle a guy (I'm female) without offending him so he won't become nasty, rude, or a stalker? I go out alone a lot because I simply like to go out (movies, restaurants, etc.) and rarely have anyone to go with me. I also LOVE to dance, always have, and I go to clubs where you don't need a partner, you just get out on the floor and dance. I've run into this problem for years, but I'm an "older" asexual, have more time and go out more, and things are getting scarier. I realized I get too flustered and don't handle situations as well as I'd like. Any advice? I'd stay home more but I get really depressed.

I would probably recommend that you work more on enjoying your time alone. You can have some social life through the internet, even though some think it is a sort of pseudo intimacy. I personally enjoy my solitude and find my cyberfriendships to be very fulfilling. I think I have some of the characteristics of asperger's syndrome, which is a form of autism. Due to a hearing impairment I live inside my head a little bit more than most people.

Could you use a pen pal?

Gustav

[Guest disjointed]

I tell them I am after a woman who will bear me 12 children and no one else...usually works

[Lucinda]

Since you don't want any of the guys hitting on you, then you can do all sorts of things to turn everyone off.

Talk like your tongue is too big for your mouth -- hard to understand.

Talk with a high pitch nasal tone -- annoying.

Speak in a different language (even if you make it up as you go) -- won't understand the come ons.

Develop an exaggerated nervous tic while talking -- hard to control.

Talk about all your recent surgeries and the resultant huge hideous scars. Tell them you need to wrap up the conversation so you can go check on one of the bandages that is covering a wound that is still oozing in puss -- hard to imagine naked.

If some guy insists and starts dancing with you, then suddenly dance completely inappropriate for the particular song. For example, if the song has a good steady rock beat, then do your best Swan Lake. You don't even have to be good at ballet, but act like you think you are ... along with the melodramatic facial expressions. If it is a slow song, most likely, then do the swim, the monkey, the jerk, the funky robot, or even jumping jacks. Make sure you flail your arms about. -- none of the other guys are going to be impressed that this guy is dancing with someone who seems to have a few screws loose.

The whole point is that it will be their decision to back away from you permanently. Therefore, there won't be any chance that you piss them off by telling them to buzz off. You have to seriously be ready to play the fool, but you don't care because you want everyone to stand back. Use your imagination and have lotsa fun.

Lucinda

[Guest kos]

Mainly, i observe.

[JojoDay]

I am CHUBBY, OLD, and somewhat disabled. (Talk about labels, sheez.) No one even gives me a second look, let alone a first look. But I don't recommend the same method :o

I used to wear a wedding type ring on the wedding finger and make sure it was visible. Amazing how many people look for that tell tale sign right off the bat. If that didn't work I used to ignore them completely. But then I have never been out dancing, at least not since high school eons ago.

[January08]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations?

Maybe we can start a meme - start making badges with purple triangles and the word "asexual" on them and wearing them in public places. Hey, where's the ace-merchandise page?

Something like this:

http://img243.imageshack.us/my.php?image=triangleql8.jpg

Hey, is that going to be on any AVEN merchandise soon? I like it!

[CrazyCatLover]

I've started wearing "engagement and wedding" rings. It's usually effective, though a rather often people don't notice them until I hold my hand up and say, "married" with a slight simile. No one has given me any pressure after that, though a few have asked why my husband isn't with me. I usually say that he just "hates the nightlife" or "is in [insert foreign country] on business." Then sometimes (depending on the look on the other's person's face -- does he look excited about the hubby being out of the way?) add wistfully, "I miss him so much."

[Guest punkybluester]

IF SOMEONE TRIES COMING ON TO ME I'LL RUN/AND/OR ASK "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

[mackat5]

Several years ago, went to a restaurant with a gay friend of mine. The waitress was very attentive, to me(a little too attentive) ! I just simply ignored her. At the time I identified as straight, so a young woman just wasn't interesting to me at all. My friend and I had a bit of a laugh about that one afterwards!

[Sally]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations?

Maybe we can start a meme - start making badges with purple triangles and the word "asexual" on them and wearing them in public places. Hey, where's the ace-merchandise page?

Something like this:

http://img243.imageshack.us/my.php?image=triangleql8.jpg

Hey, is that going to be on any AVEN merchandise soon? I like it!

We could do an Ace ring to wear on the "marriage" hand.

[JojoDay]

Sally, what a great idea :lol: Some for that one!

[Peach]

Yes! An Ace ring! Or a bracelet if that's more your thing (like me :D). They would raise awareness too...

As for the issue, I'm just oblivious to everything, so I'm guessing I probably come off as indifferent?

[Shaggy]

Before I stumbled into AVEN, I would gently tell those women who alluded, hinted, or asked for sex that,

"my dick has got me into more than enough trouble for two lifetimes ...

and more than enough, ... is more than enough ... leave it alone!"

I now sing those same words 'A cappella' and joyously basso profundo,

and am considering an operatic score featuring Euphonium and Ophicleide.

[Ziffler]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations? I like to do some things that cause others to assume I'm looking for a sexual relationship, like going out alone a lot, going dancing by myself, etc. . I don't blame people, everyone makes some assumptions at some point, but how do you handle a guy (I'm female) without offending him so he won't become nasty, rude, or a stalker? I go out alone a lot because I simply like to go out (movies, restaurants, etc.) and rarely have anyone to go with me. I also LOVE to dance, always have, and I go to clubs where you don't need a partner, you just get out on the floor and dance. I've run into this problem for years, but I'm an "older" asexual, have more time and go out more, and things are getting scarier. I realized I get too flustered and don't handle situations as well as I'd like. Any advice? I'd stay home more but I get really depressed.

I run as fast as I can the other direction.

Ignore them completely. Which if they are on the prowl don't work so I fall back on my first instinct and RUN away as fast as I can in the other direction.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[January08]

Before I stumbled into AVEN, I would gently tell those women who alluded, hinted, or asked for sex that,

"my dick has got me into more than enough trouble for two lifetimes ...

and more than enough, ... is more than enough ... leave it alone!"

I now sing those same words 'A cappella' and joyously basso profundo,

and am considering an operatic score featuring Euphonium and Ophicleide.

:lol:

[Crofty]

I talk about my girlfriend.

Well, she's a friend and she's a girl (woman I should say)....

That usually does the trick.

[ButternutSquash]

"None of that, thank you"

Or if that doesn't work I run away and lock myself in a toilet.

[Windmill]

What are some of the ways asexuals handle unwanted attention from "sexual" people in casual situations? I like to do some things that cause others to assume I'm looking for a sexual relationship, like going out alone a lot, going dancing by myself, etc. . I don't blame people, everyone makes some assumptions at some point, but how do you handle a guy (I'm female) without offending him so he won't become nasty, rude, or a stalker? I go out alone a lot because I simply like to go out (movies, restaurants, etc.) and rarely have anyone to go with me. I also LOVE to dance, always have, and I go to clubs where you don't need a partner, you just get out on the floor and dance. I've run into this problem for years, but I'm an "older" asexual, have more time and go out more, and things are getting scarier. I realized I get too flustered and don't handle situations as well as I'd like. Any advice? I'd stay home more but I get really depressed.

I tend to just joke with it, probably because I don't understand it. :P I don't understand situations like that too. I don't really "understand" sexual attraction. So I just either go really quiet and look confused, or if I know the person mildly or more, I'll joke about it.

it works ;)