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Can anyone give me hope?


Needhope

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I am a sexual person, and the love of my life has just told me that he is asexual. Up to now, he has been the man of my dreams. He is a wonderful father figure to my children (I am divorced) and a friend and romantic partner (affection) to me.

I have gone through the entire spectrum of emotions from anger to sadness to hopelessness to remembering how much I love him. I do not want to be without him, but is there any hope? It is not like I can turn off my sex drive. He says if we marry, he is willing to have sex some of the time to make me happy, that he is not turned off by it. But can I be happy that way? Sex is not the only thing that is important in a relationship, but I never dreamed of considering marriage where I might only have sex a few times a year or being married to someone who does not share my feelings.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will become frustrated and find the situation intolerable no matter how much I love him and want to make it work. I am afraid that he will get bored with trying to satisfy my sexual needs and not want to bother anymore. I love him so much; otherwise I would not even be considering this. I cannot look into the future and feel like I am going into a prison of always lacking something or feeling like we are at odds with each other all the time in our needs. I don't even know where to start trying to sort this out. Any support would be appreciated. Thank you so much!

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Starlit Eagle

You sound like you love each other so much that I'm sure you can come to a compromise. If you look round these boards you will read about many asexuals who are in successful relationships and marriages. I think the first thing to find out is how far he would feel comfortable going. For example, if hes romantic would you be able to substitute some of the sex for hugging, kissing etc? If he says he will consider sex to make you happy take this as a good sign that a compromise is reachable where you are both happy.

I dont really have much experience in this area so i will leave it here for others to give better advice. But the one thing i do know from reading these forums for several months is that you shouldn't lose hope. Almost anything can be worked out.

i hope this helps a bit. good luck

jo-jo

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If I was your best friend and I told you I had just become engaged and feel like I am going into a prison, what advice would you give me?

Lucinda

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I know many will advise a compromise, and that seems possible for some a/s couples. However, I'm with Lucinda. If you feel it could be a prison, it is not right for you.

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It must be very difficult to come to grips with the fact that someone you have been seeing as a perfect husband and wonderful father figure to your children is not the type of person that you can share some of the things you wish you could. Please make sure you make the right decision. The best one for you is the right one. As for hope, I would say there is. When you believe there is hope, there will be; it will be gone if you give up all hope. Sadly though I have learned that there are times when we need something more than hope..:( Wish you the best of luck with this! :)

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I am a sexual person, and the love of my life has just told me that he is asexual. Up to now, he has been the man of my dreams. He is a wonderful father figure to my children (I am divorced) and a friend and romantic partner (affection) to me.

I have gone through the entire spectrum of emotions from anger to sadness to hopelessness to remembering how much I love him. I do not want to be without him, but is there any hope? It is not like I can turn off my sex drive. He says if we marry, he is willing to have sex some of the time to make me happy, that he is not turned off by it. But can I be happy that way? Sex is not the only thing that is important in a relationship, but I never dreamed of considering marriage where I might only have sex a few times a year or being married to someone who does not share my feelings.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will become frustrated and find the situation intolerable no matter how much I love him and want to make it work. I am afraid that he will get bored with trying to satisfy my sexual needs and not want to bother anymore. I love him so much; otherwise I would not even be considering this. I cannot look into the future and feel like I am going into a prison of always lacking something or feeling like we are at odds with each other all the time in our needs. I don't even know where to start trying to sort this out. Any support would be appreciated. Thank you so much!

You poor poor thing. I am SO glad that you have not married this guy yet. I am married to someone who never wanted to have sex with me and although I was in love with him for many many years, inevitably I ended up falling for another man.

I don't know what your feelings are about sex outside of marriage, but would you consider trying to have a full sexual relationship with him at the moment, but being open with him that you are not committing?

My advice to you is not to marry this guy. Keep him as a friend, as this is probably all he will ever be able to give you.

I'm really sorry if this is negative, and I expect a lot of the asexual people on here will now flame me, well fine. I can only give you my opinion based on my experience of a very unhappy marriage stuck with a man who has never been sexually attracted to me.

Hugs,

Juliette

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You poor poor thing. I am SO glad that you have not married this guy yet.

I won't flame. But I really disliked that beginning...

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I am a sexual person, and the love of my life has just told me that he is asexual. Up to now, he has been the man of my dreams. He is a wonderful father figure to my children (I am divorced) and a friend and romantic partner (affection) to me.

I have gone through the entire spectrum of emotions from anger to sadness to hopelessness to remembering how much I love him. I do not want to be without him, but is there any hope? It is not like I can turn off my sex drive. He says if we marry, he is willing to have sex some of the time to make me happy, that he is not turned off by it. But can I be happy that way? Sex is not the only thing that is important in a relationship, but I never dreamed of considering marriage where I might only have sex a few times a year or being married to someone who does not share my feelings.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will become frustrated and find the situation intolerable no matter how much I love him and want to make it work. I am afraid that he will get bored with trying to satisfy my sexual needs and not want to bother anymore. I love him so much; otherwise I would not even be considering this. I cannot look into the future and feel like I am going into a prison of always lacking something or feeling like we are at odds with each other all the time in our needs. I don't even know where to start trying to sort this out. Any support would be appreciated. Thank you so much!

Holy... I'll tell You something...

I don't know this guy but You are so lucky You met him!

-As You said- he would be a very good father

-He is asexual, so you can be almost sure he loves YOU, not how You do look like or so

-He told You he is ready to have sex with You just to make YOU happy, what shows how much he does care of YOU, keep in mind it's not his duty, he just loves you and wants You to be happy even if he has to "pay that price"

Now you should think about if You really love him (You want sex and are sure You can't live without it, what seems You just want a sex partner who also will be a father of Your children and with who You will feel safe). It all means You want him to do some functions.

You are crying here like "Oh my god, no sex?! I can't handle it! I'll be prisoned!" but have You ever thought how much he is ready to devote for You? If someone should come and cry here it's this guy, not You!

By other way, if You are going to feel like in prison, better don't marry him, because it will not be nice to You, and to him either. Better stay friends, if You really care about each others, You can do it.

I wish You both good luck.

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je_suis_napoleon
You poor poor thing. I am SO glad that you have not married this guy yet.

I won't flame. But I really disliked that beginning...

Yeah - I would have put it as "I am SO glad you're having this talk before committing to marriage." So many couples aren't lucky enough to figure out these things beforehand. No matter which way it works out, everyone will be happier in the end than they would if they hadn't discussed it.

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You poor poor thing. I am SO glad that you have not married this guy yet.

I won't flame. But I really disliked that beginning...

I disliked the ending also -- no one should consider themself "stuck in a marriage," especially if that marriage now includes someone else they're having sex with. There are ways to end marriages so that no one is blamed and no one is a martyr.

I guess that ended up being a flame, didn't it.

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I disliked the ending also -- no one should consider themself "stuck in a marriage," especially if that marriage now includes someone else they're having sex with.

For the record, I have only EVER had sex with my husband. I said I was in love with someone else, not that I had had sex with someone else. I have not.

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There's definitely hope! I'm in a sexual-asexual marriage. Admittedly, this is a rather recent development (2 months), so we're still in the "honeymoon" stage more or less, but at least so far we're making it work quite nicely.

And honestly, I think the fears you're feeling are natural in just about any relationship, and healthy to a certain extent. It helps you keep the magnitude of what you're getting into in perspective. On the other hand, when your fears debilitate you such that you can't live life, you need to learn to just take a leap of faith. I know I was scared silly when I first realized I had the "one", so to speak, and he was sexual and I was not. I had moments during the engagement when I wondered what I was getting myself into. But here's the thing: we love each other, and we know each other, so we decided that it was worth it to make it work. Trust is a huge factor.

And it does take work. And understanding on both sides. Honestly, I can't speak for your partner, but I know with myself personally, while I really don't care about sex itself (I'm about as indifferent as you can get), I enjoy giving it. Maybe not as often as in a sexual-sexual relationship, but I enjoy being close with someone I love. I think the phrase "to make someone happy" may not be the best way to phrase my attitude. It's not so much a sacrifice as that phrase seems; I sincerely do enjoy being able to give that closeness to someone I love. Even if I don't get the physical pleasure as much, the emotional intimacy is still valuable.

Again, you can take my experience with a grain of salt. The two of us are both young and in that newlywed stage. I give you the hope I have though, and I sincerely wish you both the best of luck. ^.^

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Maybe it can work but if "Needhope's" partner just dislikes sex and it makes him feel bad for any reasons, this relationship can be hard for both of them. i think they should honestly talk about it. If they decide it's a bad idea to be in such relationship they can be friends. Wha's more "Needhope" doesn't appreciate the thing what this guy is ready to make for her, he said he is gonna have sex just to please her from time to time and she is still "crying" she wants more, lol. It seems kinda impudent to me.

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Maybe it can work but if "Needhope's" partner just dislikes sex and it makes him feel bad for any reasons, this relationship can be hard for both of them. i think they should honestly talk about it. If they decide it's a bad idea to be in such relationship they can be friends. Wha's more "Needhope" doesn't appreciate the thing what this guy is ready to make for her, he said he is gonna have sex just to please her from time to time and she is still "crying" she wants more, lol. It seems kinda impudent to me.

Sex once in a blue moon isn't the same thing as a healthy, mutual, satisfying sexual relationship. It just isn't. Some people can be satisfied with sex once every three months, some people can't. It's not really your place to judge. And if what she wants in her heart is to have a husband who desires her, and who doesn't view sex as a chore, then maybe this relationship isn't the best one to enter into.

Accusing someone of "crying"/whining about a situation this heartbreaking is just plain mean and wrong.

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Maybe it can work but if "Needhope's" partner just dislikes sex and it makes him feel bad for any reasons, this relationship can be hard for both of them. i think they should honestly talk about it. If they decide it's a bad idea to be in such relationship they can be friends. Wha's more "Needhope" doesn't appreciate the thing what this guy is ready to make for her, he said he is gonna have sex just to please her from time to time and she is still "crying" she wants more, lol. It seems kinda impudent to me.

Sex once in a blue moon isn't the same thing as a healthy, mutual, satisfying sexual relationship. It just isn't. Some people can be satisfied with sex once every three months, some people can't. It's not really your place to judge. And if what she wants in her heart is to have a husband who desires her, and who doesn't view sex as a chore, then maybe this relationship isn't the best one to enter into.

Accusing someone of "crying"/whining about a situation this heartbreaking is just plain mean and wrong.

You understood wrong my words. I don't judge onyone, it's not my thing, also I do not offend anyone, so don't offend me too cause You don't have any reason to do that. I just said my opinion about. Just want to show my point of view. Don't know if You read all posts in this thread, seems You didn't but it's not my thing, tho. She said it would be painful to her being in relationship with person who can't give her what she needs anytime she wants it. At the end you said the thing most of us are telling about- she really should think if she wants to be in relationship with this man. Prolly You are sexual, that's why You don't understand what's the thing about.Everyone can see the things different, that's why forum exists and we all should respect each other.

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Honestly, I can't speak for your partner, but I know with myself personally, while I really don't care about sex itself (I'm about as indifferent as you can get), I enjoy giving it.

I think that's the key. If an asexual does not enjoy anything about sex and it is an unpleasant situation for him/her, compromise is very difficult and may not work. I doubt if the sexual would wish to have a long-term relationship with an asexual who really disliked sex and could not enjoy it at all.

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You understood wrong my words. I don't judge onyone, it's not my thing, also I do not offend anyone, so don't offend me too cause You don't have any reason to do that. I just said my opinion about. Just want to show my point of view.

OK, obviously you didn't mean to insult her. But you post sounded kind of like a flame to me too (and I'm asexual by the way).

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Honestly, I can't speak for your partner, but I know with myself personally, while I really don't care about sex itself (I'm about as indifferent as you can get), I enjoy giving it.

I think that's the key. If an asexual does not enjoy anything about sex and it is an unpleasant situation for him/her, compromise is very difficult and may not work. I doubt if the sexual would wish to have a long-term relationship with an asexual who really disliked sex and could not enjoy it at all.

I wanted to say the same thing. Nothing else. And I can't see which words sounded like a flame. Show it to me then.

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Friendly neighbourhood SPFA mod here...

Play nice, guys. You're free to disagree with each other, but try to be sensitive and not make assumptions about other people that they may be offended by, or be dismissive of what someone might be going through. Conversely, if you think someone's crossed the line, leave it to the mods. Accusing another person of flaming could, in and of itself, potentially be considered a flame.

You're free to continue talking and no warnings have been handed out yet, but do try to keep things civil.

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I feel I was offended by others too for no reason. But it's not the thing I wanna write about.

I think she should be happy she met so wonderful guy, who would be a great father, who really loves her, who can give her what she needs even if not so often as she wants. She said:

(...)He says if we marry, he is willing to have sex some of the time to make me happy, that he is not turned off by it. But can I be happy that way? Sex is not the only thing that is important in a relationship, but I never dreamed of considering marriage where I might only have sex a few times a year

My personal feeling is those words sound kinda selfish, but it's my personal feeling and you don't have to share it, but You should respect my point of view as I respect Yours. And it's not me who called this woman "you poor poor thing".

I think she should enjoy what she have got already, otherwise she will not be really happy cause she feels she is missing something in her life (and I'm not talking about sex only). Of course she has right to be happy, but not always she will have everything she wants to, so she should enjoy what she has. And now, honestly, don't You guys think I'm right at least in some small part of what i said? And I didn't want to flame anyone, why should I? Flaming doesn't help really and believe me, I'm the last one who even could think about flaming other people. It's her life, not my thing, she came here to see what others will say, I just answered. And now any of you even can't show which my words were really a flame. Cause non of them were like that. She also said "Sex is not the only thing that is important in a relationship", so she should concentrate on those things, maybe sex won't be so importnt to her anymore?

Cheers.

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Hi Vei*sha!!,

I completely agree with everything you said in general. I don't see what the big deal is over sex. This man sounds like a great guy! To you and I, it may seem unusual that someone would get angry, sad, and hopeless over the prospect of having very little sex. Why all these negative emotions??

However, Needhope has been married before. She has a really good idea of what will work and what won't. I, personally, wouldn't try to convince her to shift around her priority list anymore than I would allow anyone to convince me to do the same.

You're cool Vei*sha,

Lucinda

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Hello Lucinda :)

Thank You very much, it's nice to know someone shares the same opinion with me :)

Cheers :)

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  • 5 weeks later...
Guest the_green_bastard
Holy... I'll tell You something...

I don't know this guy but You are so lucky You met him!

-As You said- he would be a very good father

-He is asexual, so you can be almost sure he loves YOU, not how You do look like or so

-He told You he is ready to have sex with You just to make YOU happy, what shows how much he does care of YOU, keep in mind it's not his duty, he just loves you and wants You to be happy even if he has to "pay that price"

Now you should think about if You really love him (You want sex and are sure You can't live without it, what seems You just want a sex partner who also will be a father of Your children and with who You will feel safe). It all means You want him to do some functions.

You are crying here like "Oh my god, no sex?! I can't handle it! I'll be prisoned!" but have You ever thought how much he is ready to devote for You? If someone should come and cry here it's this guy, not You!

By other way, if You are going to feel like in prison, better don't marry him, because it will not be nice to You, and to him either. Better stay friends, if You really care about each others, You can do it.

I wish You both good luck.[/color][/font]

You've just saved me twenty minutes of typing!

You poor poor thing. I am SO glad that you have not married this guy yet. I am married to someone who never wanted to have sex with me and although I was in love with him for many many years, inevitably I ended up falling for another man.

I don't know what your feelings are about sex outside of marriage, but would you consider trying to have a full sexual relationship with him at the moment, but being open with him that you are not committing?

My advice to you is not to marry this guy. Keep him as a friend, as this is probably all he will ever be able to give you.

I'm really sorry if this is negative, and I expect a lot of the asexual people on here will now flame me, well fine. I can only give you my opinion based on my experience of a very unhappy marriage stuck with a man who has never been sexually attracted to me.

Hugs,

Juliette

Oooooh, poor ****ing baby! You know, I try to be understanding; I really do, but it's this kind of blatantly selfish insensitivity in sexuals and sexuality that drives me mad, and feel ashamed to have any ties to it.

"All he will ever be able to give you?"

First of all, you're equating love and sex. They're interrelated, sure, but they're not the same. You're defining sex as a duty, your love for the father of your children as being completely conditional, and that it's simply a deal-breaker if, despite how much he obviously loves and cares for "NeedHope," he's still just a worthless, burnt-out candle to you!

That's sick. Yes, I was mean. And no, I won't take it back. I'm glad we're on the same page here. "Flame you?" Well, you've just flamed us as a community. Let us fight fire with fire.

I find this kind of attitute repellent.

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Oooooh, poor ****ing baby! You know, I try to be understanding; I really do, but it's this kind of blatantly selfish insensitivity in sexuals and sexuality that drives me mad, and feel ashamed to have any ties to it.

"All he will ever be able to give you?"

First of all, you're equating love and sex. They're interrelated, sure, but they're not the same. You're defining sex as a duty, your love for the father of your children as being completely conditional, and that it's simply a deal-breaker if, despite how much he obviously loves and cares for "NeedHope," he's still just a worthless, burnt-out candle to you!

That's sick. Yes, I was mean. And no, I won't take it back. I'm glad we're on the same page here. "Flame you?" Well, you've just flamed us as a community. Let us fight fire with fire.

I find this kind of attitute repellent.

Quite frankly, I don't see why any sexual should give a crap whether you find us or our attitudes repellent. You clearly don't have much understanding of how we feel, and you don't care that you don't understand, and you have no right to tell anyone what should or shouldn't be a dealbreaker to them. Don't like that most sexuals need sex? Tough. Find our attitudes disgusting? Awesome. Solution: Don't date a sexual, and don't shoot your mouth off about what you don't understand.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: There's NOTHING wrong with knowing yourself and what you need. It's NOT selfish for sexuals to want to have a sexual relationship, any more than it's selfish for a sensitive person not to want a relationship with an abrasive one. Sensitive people can find gentle partners, abrasive people can find thick-skinned partners, and people who prioritize sex can find people who will actually be happy to have sex with them.

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Guest the_green_bastard
Oooooh, poor ****ing baby! You know, I try to be understanding; I really do, but it's this kind of blatantly selfish insensitivity in sexuals and sexuality that drives me mad, and feel ashamed to have any ties to it.

"All he will ever be able to give you?"

First of all, you're equating love and sex. They're interrelated, sure, but they're not the same. You're defining sex as a duty, your love for the father of your children as being completely conditional, and that it's simply a deal-breaker if, despite how much he obviously loves and cares for "NeedHope," he's still just a worthless, burnt-out candle to you!

That's sick. Yes, I was mean. And no, I won't take it back. I'm glad we're on the same page here. "Flame you?" Well, you've just flamed us as a community. Let us fight fire with fire.

I find this kind of attitute repellent.

Quite frankly, I don't see why any sexual should give a crap whether you find us or our attitudes repellent. You clearly don't have much understanding of how we feel, and you don't care that you don't understand, and you have no right to tell anyone what should or shouldn't be a dealbreaker to them. Don't like that most sexuals need sex? Tough. Find our attitudes disgusting? Awesome. Solution: Don't date a sexual, and don't shoot your mouth off about what you don't understand.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: There's NOTHING wrong with knowing yourself and what you need. It's NOT selfish for sexuals to want to have a sexual relationship, any more than it's selfish for a sensitive person not to want a relationship with an abrasive one. Sensitive people can find gentle partners, abrasive people can find thick-skinned partners, and people who prioritize sex can find people who will actually be happy to have sex with them.

I'm not telling anyone anything, and your words were harsher than to simply say "move on to a relationship more comfortable/fulfilling for you. You were crass, you pronounced that you were "SO glad that you have not married this guy yet" and were also giving entirely one-sided advice. You were overly dismissive and were effectively equating love and sex.

Keep him as a friend, as this is probably all he will ever be able to give you.

I must grant you, and apologize for, this: I missed the word "yet" in your first sentence; I missed the word "divorced" in hers. I overreacted. I've known some selfish people.

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Oooooh, poor ****ing baby! You know, I try to be understanding; I really do, but it's this kind of blatantly selfish insensitivity in sexuals and sexuality that drives me mad, and feel ashamed to have any ties to it.

"All he will ever be able to give you?"

First of all, you're equating love and sex. They're interrelated, sure, but they're not the same. You're defining sex as a duty, your love for the father of your children as being completely conditional, and that it's simply a deal-breaker if, despite how much he obviously loves and cares for "NeedHope," he's still just a worthless, burnt-out candle to you!

That's sick. Yes, I was mean. And no, I won't take it back. I'm glad we're on the same page here. "Flame you?" Well, you've just flamed us as a community. Let us fight fire with fire.

I find this kind of attitute repellent.

Quite frankly, I don't see why any sexual should give a crap whether you find us or our attitudes repellent. You clearly don't have much understanding of how we feel, and you don't care that you don't understand, and you have no right to tell anyone what should or shouldn't be a dealbreaker to them. Don't like that most sexuals need sex? Tough. Find our attitudes disgusting? Awesome. Solution: Don't date a sexual, and don't shoot your mouth off about what you don't understand.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: There's NOTHING wrong with knowing yourself and what you need. It's NOT selfish for sexuals to want to have a sexual relationship, any more than it's selfish for a sensitive person not to want a relationship with an abrasive one. Sensitive people can find gentle partners, abrasive people can find thick-skinned partners, and people who prioritize sex can find people who will actually be happy to have sex with them.

The same could be said to sexuals you know. I see here threads full of “poor sexuals who are being deprived etc.”. Well, if sex is so important to them, why do they pester their asexual partners and try to force them to have sex with them? Why simply not date other sexuals?

Plus, of course, one has to bare in mind that long term relationships/marriages between sexuals also, a lot of times, end up sexless after a while. So it is kind of annoying to read threads here along the lines of “oh poor me, 20 years in marriage and no sex/little sex for half that time. The awful abusing deceiving asexual, incapable of love!”, when they could well have ended in a 20 year long relationship with another sexual and be in the same boat (20 year marriage with little to no sex).

And no, it’s not only asexuals who equate condition of sex for marriage with being repulsive/selfish. Sexuals do that too – after all, all my friends and family are sexuals (that I know off) and they’ve said the same thing too – demands/pressures/conditions of sex for someone’s company are selfish and that that sort of person deserves to be given a boot (and they proceed to give boot to anyone who demands sex of them).

In other words, perhaps some sexuals should be honest from the start and before wasting the time of the other person (be they sexual or asexual) should plainly and simply say that if they ever decide not to put out, no matter how good otherwise they may be, they will be left. They should say plainly and simply that sex in relationship with them is an obligation (not only sex, but wanting to have sex as much as they want/ whenever they want). But for some reason I do not see people saying that (at least in long term relationships). Could you tell me why this is so?

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The same could be said to sexuals you know. I see here threads full of “poor sexuals who are being deprived etc.”. Well, if sex is so important to them, why do they pester their asexual partners and try to force them to have sex with them? Why simply not date other sexuals?

Plus, of course, one has to bare in mind that long term relationships/marriages between sexuals also, a lot of times, end up sexless after a while. So it is kind of annoying to read threads here along the lines of “oh poor me, 20 years in marriage and no sex/little sex for half that time. The awful abusing deceiving asexual, incapable of love!”, when they could well have ended in a 20 year long relationship with another sexual and be in the same boat (20 year marriage with little to no sex).

And no, it’s not only asexuals who equate condition of sex for marriage with being repulsive/selfish. Sexuals do that too – after all, all my friends and family are sexuals (that I know off) and they’ve said the same thing too – demands/pressures/conditions of sex for someone’s company are selfish and that that sort of person deserves to be given a boot (and they proceed to give boot to anyone who demands sex of them).

In other words, perhaps some sexuals should be honest from the start and before wasting the time of the other person (be they sexual or asexual) should plainly and simply say that if they ever decide not to put out, no matter how good otherwise they may be, they will be left. They should say plainly and simply that sex in relationship with them is an obligation (not only sex, but wanting to have sex as much as they want/ whenever they want). But for some reason I do not see people saying that (at least in long term relationships). Could you tell me why this is so?

You can't control who you fall in love with. Leaving one person and finding another works in theory, but people kill themselves over failed relationships. The human heart doesn't often follow the sort of logic you're proposing.

Remember that these issues usually only come up at all AFTER the relationship has been going on for a while and reached a deep level of intimacy, both physically and emotionally. Asking them to then go "oh, huh, this probably isn't going to work then" and wander off to find someone new, is not something that most human beings are capable of.

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You can't control who you fall in love with. Leaving one person and finding another works in theory, but people kill themselves over failed relationships. The human heart doesn't often follow the sort of logic you're proposing.

Remember that these issues usually only come up at all AFTER the relationship has been going on for a while and reached a deep level of intimacy, both physically and emotionally. Asking them to then go "oh, huh, this probably isn't going to work then" and wander off to find someone new, is not something that most human beings are capable of.

I am aware of that (and this is hardly my logic although I do agree with parts of it. So I have to wonder why are you directing that at me, not at BunnyK. She was the first to bring that logic here, I was merely following that line of reasoning and only in first part of my post). Just pointing out that particular line of argument can be used on anyone. If it is used on asexuals, then I see no reason why it shouldn’t be used on sexuals too. If you do “fall in love” you still have no right to demand of that person to change in order to suite your “needs”(especially demands that concern their body).

Anyways, I still think demanding sex out of anyone is, to put it mildly, extremely uncouth. No one is obligated to have sex with you. However, what you are obligated to is respect other people’s “no sex” boundaries (be they sexual or asexual). That’s all there is to it really. You can try to barter with sex but all you’ll end up with (unless you are extremely honest with both yourself and your partner on the nature and length of your relationship) is hurt in the end. Is this tough? Perhaps for some, but I see honesty the least tough of the available options.

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Guest Heligan
I am a sexual person, and the love of my life has just told me that he is asexual. Up to now, he has been the man of my dreams. He is a wonderful father figure to my children (I am divorced) and a friend and romantic partner (affection) to me.

I have gone through the entire spectrum of emotions from anger to sadness to hopelessness to remembering how much I love him. I do not want to be without him, but is there any hope? It is not like I can turn off my sex drive. He says if we marry, he is willing to have sex some of the time to make me happy, that he is not turned off by it. But can I be happy that way? Sex is not the only thing that is important in a relationship, but I never dreamed of considering marriage where I might only have sex a few times a year or being married to someone who does not share my feelings.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will become frustrated and find the situation intolerable no matter how much I love him and want to make it work. I am afraid that he will get bored with trying to satisfy my sexual needs and not want to bother anymore. I love him so much; otherwise I would not even be considering this. I cannot look into the future and feel like I am going into a prison of always lacking something or feeling like we are at odds with each other all the time in our needs. I don't even know where to start trying to sort this out. Any support would be appreciated. Thank you so much!

I do sympathise with the pair of you.

You say 'if we marry, he is willing to have sex some of the time...' Seems to me that unless you have religious reasons for not considering sex outside of marriage, that you should have a trial run at this.... actually get the experience and see if its something you can both see working long term. Cus seems to me that unless you know how this compromise is going to feel you cannot say if its a prison for either of you.

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The same could be said to sexuals you know. I see here threads full of “poor sexuals who are being deprived etc.”. Well, if sex is so important to them, why do they pester their asexual partners and try to force them to have sex with them? Why simply not date other sexuals?

Plus, of course, one has to bare in mind that long term relationships/marriages between sexuals also, a lot of times, end up sexless after a while. So it is kind of annoying to read threads here along the lines of “oh poor me, 20 years in marriage and no sex/little sex for half that time. The awful abusing deceiving asexual, incapable of love!”, when they could well have ended in a 20 year long relationship with another sexual and be in the same boat (20 year marriage with little to no sex).

ReptileL,

As far as know, most of those sexuals are already in committed relationships before the subject of sexual needs even comes up and I don't hear them saying they will force their sexual demands on their asexual partners-most want to compromise and they should be commended for trying to work it out instead of packing it up from the very moment they find out. To most people, asexuality is a completely unknown and shocking concept since 99% of the population is sexual-why would it seem unreasonable for sexuals to display some frustration or fear in the very beginning?

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