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true_love

"See, that was nice wasn't it Honey?"

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true_love

:unsure: Okay so after I used to beg, plead and nag until my husband finally would have sex with me, after he climaxed I would sometimes say, "See that was nice wasn't it???"

... Anyone relate? And if he/she enjoyed having an orgasm, why the heck would he/she not be willing to do it more often??? :angry:

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fangless

I can totally understand where you're coming from. Here's my thoughts on it. I am an asexual who really likes orgasms.

But for me, ONLY alone. It's just not something that I want to do, or try and do, in front of another person. Very occasionally, one might happen while I am being close with someone (just this one person I mean), but it's not a big deal, it's not a big performance. I don't mind if it is really low key, but as a general rule, it is a solo activity.

For me, I like orgasms as something that you can give yourself. It's really private. Like behind the scenes well-being maintenance.

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Asexydragon

I've never had one, so don't take my answer too seriously, but I think I'd like an orgasm. The only problem for me is the actual process of getting one. It makes me feel kind of well, dirty/low I guess. (its not quite the words I mean, but its the closest I can think of) So while the actual climax may feel good, the feeling of the process it takes to achieve it detracts from the climax. I don't know whether your partner feels the same way but this is just my personal opinion.

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zoidberger
:unsure: Okay so after I used to beg, plead and nag until my husband finally would have sex with me, after he climaxed I would sometimes say, "See that was nice wasn't it???"

... Anyone relate? And if he/she enjoyed having an orgasm, why the heck would he/she not be willing to do it more often??? :angry:

I'm trying to think of a good analogy/example for this... alright hypothetical: Say you're a stereotypical girly girl that doesn't like to get dirty/break nails... etc. If your friend begs and pleads you to go spelunking (cave diving, with mud and dirt and a hilarious outfit). You finally cave in and go with them. Once you get to the bottom of the caves you see some amazing stalagmites! Just because these were amazing doesn't mean that you are now going to change and want to go through all that gross spelunking mess just to get to those picturesque formations. Especially if maybe you have found that all you have to do is walk around the corner and see some of the formations.

OK not too sure that was the greatest analogy, but hopefully it gets this point across. There are definitely asexuals who enjoy orgasm... and who can enjoy an orgasm with a partner. BUT as some other posters said, some people feel dirty with themselves others just don't enjoy the physical nature with another person... there are many reasons. Just because an orgasm was possible and achieved likability doesn't mean that someone is now going to start desiring it.

I also find that if I was ever asked some of those questions/prodded right afterward it might make me feel pretty bad about myself...

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true_love

Thank you so much for the replies ... I really am trying to understand and it is very difficult - so I appreciate your help!!! :)

Actually, zoidberger, I found your analogy really helpful. I can sort of get that, especially as I would hate to go cave-diving myself. Mind you, if my beloved had passionate sex with me at the bottom of the cave, now THAT would be worth it ;)

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< retired >
And if he/she enjoyed having an orgasm, why the heck would he/she not be willing to do it more often??? :angry:

If you've accidentally turned having sex into a "who is in control" issue, then your DH may refrain simply to avoid capitulating to your demands. Of course, there are numerous other possible reasons for low interest in sex. Sorry you're dissatisfied with your current situation. :)

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true_love
If you've accidentally turned having sex into a "who is in control" issue, then your DH may refrain simply to avoid capitulating to your demands.

Jeez, yeah. :( ... wouldn't surprise me if I'd done that, I've messed up so many other things in the relationship... :(

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< retired >
Jeez, yeah. :( ... wouldn't surprise me if I'd done that, I've messed up so many other things in the relationship... :(

My post wasn't intended as a criticism of you. If indeed my suggestion is the problem, then a solution may be on the horizon. However, as I mentioned, sexuality and relationships are complex, so there are lots of things that can go wrong. Good luck! :cake:

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true_love

Thanks ChooseYourBattles (good name btw) ... I think there's probably more to it than just that one issue, but it could be an element. I know that I've been far too controlling in the relationship generally, I've spent years coddling and mothering my hubbie and doing everything for him, including being the breadwinner, managing the money, all the housework and stuff ... It was all out of love but now I realize how very misguided that was...!!!

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mindlife
:unsure: Okay so after I used to beg, plead and nag until my husband finally would have sex with me, after he climaxed I would sometimes say, "See that was nice wasn't it???"

... Anyone relate? And if he/she enjoyed having an orgasm, why the heck would he/she not be willing to do it more often??? :angry:

I know this is hard to understand. It's made my partners very impatient with me in the past and present.

I enjoy them, but not that much. And it's possible your husband is in this boat.

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true_love
I know this is hard to understand.

Yes :wacko: ... thank you so much for trying to help me get my head round it...!

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Haunter
I'm trying to think of a good analogy/example for this... alright hypothetical: Say you're a stereotypical girly girl that doesn't like to get dirty/break nails... etc. If your friend begs and pleads you to go spelunking (cave diving, with mud and dirt and a hilarious outfit). You finally cave in and go with them. Once you get to the bottom of the caves you see some amazing stalagmites! Just because these were amazing doesn't mean that you are now going to change and want to go through all that gross spelunking mess just to get to those picturesque formations. Especially if maybe you have found that all you have to do is walk around the corner and see some of the formations.
Actually, zoidberger, I found your analogy really helpful. I can sort of get that, especially as I would hate to go cave-diving myself.

Up to this point I was pleasantly impressed: oh, look - an intelligent and dealable sexual person who can actually relate to a well-formulated analogy! How wonderful! ^_^

...

and then

Mind you, if my beloved had passionate sex with me at the bottom of the cave, now THAT would be worth it ;)

:blink:

*headdesk*

I was wrong. -_-

...

Why does this not surprise me...?

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true_love
*headdesk*

I was wrong. -_-

...

Why does this not surprise me...?

Sorry...!! :D

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AVENCakes

Are you sure he enjoys it? Does he say he does, or are you just assuming orgasm=enjoyment? Because I wouldn't like doing that, and I'm pretty sure that if I agreed to do it to compromise, getting a "wasn't that nice?" would pretty much be the last thing I'd want to hear.

I'm trying to think of a good analogy/example for this... alright hypothetical: Say you're a stereotypical girly girl that doesn't like to get dirty/break nails... etc. If your friend begs and pleads you to go spelunking (cave diving, with mud and dirt and a hilarious outfit). You finally cave in and go with them. Once you get to the bottom of the caves you see some amazing stalagmites! Just because these were amazing doesn't mean that you are now going to change and want to go through all that gross spelunking mess just to get to those picturesque formations. Especially if maybe you have found that all you have to do is walk around the corner and see some of the formations.
Actually, zoidberger, I found your analogy really helpful. I can sort of get that, especially as I would hate to go cave-diving myself.

Up to this point I was pleasantly impressed: oh, look - an intelligent and dealable sexual person who can actually relate to a well-formulated analogy! How wonderful! ^_^

...

and then

Mind you, if my beloved had passionate sex with me at the bottom of the cave, now THAT would be worth it ;)

:blink:

*headdesk*

I was wrong. -_-

...

Why does this not surprise me...?

*sighs* I had the same reaction. :/

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true_love
Are you sure he enjoys it?

No ... I'm not sure of anything any more when it comes to his feelings. I was sure of it at the time I said it, but I could very well have been way off base!

*sighs* I had the same reaction. :/

LOL - I'm very glad I posted this thread in the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies " section, or I would be feeling guilty.... :blush:

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AVENCakes
Are you sure he enjoys it?

No ... I'm not sure of anything any more when it comes to his feelings. I was sure of it at the time I said it, but I could very well have been way off base!

Well, if he didn't say he did- don't assume he did. There's a chance that he doesn't enjoy it beyond that it makes you happy, and ending it with that might just feel like you're nagging him to do it again already, causing him to think "If you're going to bother me about this no matter what I do, why should I put myself through that? Aren't you ever satisfied?".

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Sally

As an asexual who had sex with two consecutive partners for most of my life, the most difficult part for me was the inevitable discussion afterward. I had gotten through the "act" OK and was just wanting to be left alone to sleep, but my partner would have to kind of debrief, ask me how it went, and go on about how wonderful it was for him and what a bonding experience he felt it was, and how excited he got, etc.etc.etc. The only feeling that caused in me was "Oh God, now he's going to want to do it again an hour from now." And I couldn't just be silent because then he'd ask if I was mad at him, etc.

Suggestion to sexuals who are in relationships with asexuals: Don't say anything afterward. Just hold the person IF they seem to want it, but don't "seal the deal" with words. It's just tremendous pressure.

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Forensic
Are you sure he enjoys it? Does he say he does, or are you just assuming orgasm=enjoyment? Because I wouldn't like doing that, and I'm pretty sure that if I agreed to do it to compromise, getting a "wasn't that nice?" would pretty much be the last thing I'd want to hear.

I have to agree here.

In fact, I'd be pretty darn pissed off at that point.

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jstme66

It is also quite possible to orgasm without enjoying it. It is a physiological response to a stimulus.

Sneezing can be quite spectacular, but I wouldn't go out of my way for a good sneeze.

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Forensic
It is also quite possible to orgasm without enjoying it. It is a physiological response to a stimulus.

True... You can orgasm in response to rape as well. <_<

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shuttlegirl
:unsure: Okay so after I used to beg, plead and nag until my husband finally would have sex with me, after he climaxed I would sometimes say, "See that was nice wasn't it???"

... Anyone relate? And if he/she enjoyed having an orgasm, why the heck would he/she not be willing to do it more often??? :angry:

Hi True_love,

Well, I can certainly relate - I'd say "we should do this more often!" - and he'd say - 'yeah, we should'. Then we'd go 1-2 years with nothing. I've stopped trying - it's humiliating and just causes even more resentment than I already have. We are a week away from the 1 year mark again. He seems to enjoy the rare times we do, has no 'performance' issues - and yet is completely at ease with having a completely sexless marriage for years at a time.

I can't give advice - as I haven't figured out how to handle my own situation yet. But I'm more than willing to provide an understanding ear and a reminder that you aren't alone. :)

Carmen

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Shaggy

As a male, who relates to your husband(s) ...

The only post coital "words" I wished to hear,

and The Only words that offered me any encouragement (for a possible, eventual, repeat performance)

Were a softly delivered,

honestly meant,

Thank You.

(That's a "Full Stop" after the "Thank You", and it's meaningful!!)

All the best.

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shuttlegirl
As a male, who relates to your husband(s) ...

The only post coital "words" I wished to hear,

and The Only words that offered me any encouragement (for a possible, eventual, repeat performance)

Were a softly delivered,

honestly meant,

Thank You.

(That's a "Full Stop" after the "Thank You", and it's meaningful!!)

All the best.

I can understand that - and had I understood my husband's orientation before finding this site several months ago, I would have tried to find an 'appropriate comment'. But, I didn't know - and his reply was always "yeah, we should". Ah well -

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Shaggy
I can understand that - and had I understood my husband's orientation before finding this site several months ago, I would have tried to find an 'appropriate comment'. But, I didn't know - and his reply was always "yeah, we should". Ah well -

"yeah, we should" is merely a conversation stopper!

Interestingly, he didn't say 'Yeah, we will".

I meant to add to that last post, that ...

"See that was nice wasn't it???" and ...

"we should do this more often!"

are each a blatant, totally unsubtle attempt to set up the next sexual encounter ...

this 'setting up for the future', "devalues" the moment you've both just had, to a huge extent, maybe completely!

Imagine preparing a three course Sunday lunch, ...

It's a fabulous meal, ...

Every one has eaten and drunk their fill ...

And you're feeling full and content and happy it's turned out so wonderfully...

Then somebody says ...

"Well that was all well and good, but it's over now! ... What's for Supper!".

Changes the mood dramatically, doesn't it?

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Sally
Imagine preparing a three course Sunday lunch, ...

It's a fabulous meal, ...

Every one has eaten and drunk their fill ...

And you're feeling full and content and happy it's turned out so wonderfully...

Then somebody says ...

"Well that was all well and good, but it's over now! ... What's for Supper!".

Changes the mood dramatically, doesn't it?

Or imagine that you have cooked that meal, even though you don't like cooking, and the person you've cooked it for really liked it and spoke of his appreciation. And then he said, "What's for supper?" And all you could think was, "God, do I have to cook again so soon?"

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thylacine

Send him to Burger King.

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cozy n. bizzy

Yes, the spelunking and cooking analogies REALLY CAPTURE WHAT IT IS LIKE!

Maybe you'd better go to Extreme Restraints and get one of those machines that does the business for you... ;D

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UltraViolet
As an asexual who had sex with two consecutive partners for most of my life, the most difficult part for me was the inevitable discussion afterward. I had gotten through the "act" OK and was just wanting to be left alone to sleep, but my partner would have to kind of debrief, ask me how it went, and go on about how wonderful it was for him and what a bonding experience he felt it was, and how excited he got, etc.etc.etc. The only feeling that caused in me was "Oh God, now he's going to want to do it again an hour from now." And I couldn't just be silent because then he'd ask if I was mad at him, etc.

Suggestion to sexuals who are in relationships with asexuals: Don't say anything afterward. Just hold the person IF they seem to want it, but don't "seal the deal" with words. It's just tremendous pressure.

Yup, nothing like the dreaded inevitable "next time". Best not to say anything. Nothing strikes more fear in some asexuals than the looming dread of the ever-impending-next-time. During the years that I had forced myself to try to live as a sexual there were many times my reconfigured Bogart quote had gone thru my head - "You will have to do it again - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life". Once I finally accepted that reality I gave up on relationships - until I found AVEN.

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Olivier
As an asexual who had sex with two consecutive partners for most of my life, the most difficult part for me was the inevitable discussion afterward. I had gotten through the "act" OK and was just wanting to be left alone to sleep, but my partner would have to kind of debrief, ask me how it went, and go on about how wonderful it was for him and what a bonding experience he felt it was, and how excited he got, etc.etc.etc. The only feeling that caused in me was "Oh God, now he's going to want to do it again an hour from now." And I couldn't just be silent because then he'd ask if I was mad at him, etc.

Suggestion to sexuals who are in relationships with asexuals: Don't say anything afterward. Just hold the person IF they seem to want it, but don't "seal the deal" with words. It's just tremendous pressure.

Yep, I used to do this, too, and it's not very helpful, and my wife found it pressuring, so I long ago stopped that.

But, from a sexual's perspective, it wasn't meant as pressure, just consideration. My motivation was purely that I'd picked up something during sex that alerted me to the fact that things weren't as good for my wife as they were for me (we didn't know about asexuality then). And so I wanted to improve things, and asking - after doing X, Y, and Z - "Did you like X?", Or "Y seemed good, should we do more of that next time?" or "If you didn't like Z, tell me, ok?" were just attempts (as I said assuming my wife's sexuality to be hetero) to make sex better for her.

It's incredibly frustrating to know that something's not quite right, but when you try to communicate to improve things, to get told "Please don't ask what I liked and didn't like", and then if you do stop asking, still seeing things not right and having no idea how to fix that if communication is off the menu.

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Shaggy

As your Avatars demonstrated so eloquently, Olivier ...

There is Genius in Timing. :)

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