Trying really hard

[eiwh]

Hi! I've been really happy to stop by this site now and then over the last 9 months, ever since I started to fall in love with an asexual. I'm not sure if he knows this site is out there, but I'd be surprised if he didn't, he is a bit of an internet hound. It has also been nice for me to realize that although I have had sex, the fact that I am not normally attracted to a person because of their looks, and the thought of having sex with someone doesn't motivate me in a relationship, might mean I'm at least hyposexual, and therefore hopefully a good match for my guy-friend. Problem is he seems to be one of those super-rare asexuals who is also given to D/s type fantasies, all done over the internet. I've found that really very enjoyable, and have happily played along. But we used to have dinner together and take walks, and now it seems all he wants to do is keep it virtual. I miss being able to just have a normal conversation with him, he is smart and funny and interesting, we've always had great conversations. I don't know how to transition back, and I wonder if he'd rather not. I miss him very much, but worry if I try to see him, say by surprising him by going over to his house or stopping by his work, that will seem way too aggressive and freak him out. Especially since we, as I said, talked about sex online.

I guess I am a little over my head here, I'm very used to relationships progressing quickly. I am trying to just tell myself to be patient, that someone like him needs lots of time and space, but I have a hard time accepting that "needing time and space" doesn't mean giving up on a great chance at something amazing. If anyone has any ideas, any suggestions as to whether or not I should more aggressive and forward about seeing him in person (I've already sent emails saying I'd like to do this, inviting him over to dinner, etc., which have been ignored), that would be great. I'm happy to wait, but I'm worried he'll take that as a sign that I've changed my mind, I worry that he might really need a lot of reassurance that I love him for him and don't care about the sex part at all (he's 38 and had just about given up).

One thing I was thinking of doing is giving him a week breather, where he doesn't hear from me at all.

If there are any other D/s asexuals out there, I'd be grateful for some insight what sort of reaction that might engender. In a "normal" relationship, a woman is "supposed" to let the man be the "pursuer" but that thinking seems wholly out of place here. Or is it?

[justlikeastar]

hi eiwh!

for you! :)

i can understand the frustration you're feeling at the moment since i'm also in that situation (as i've ranted in my post "a sexual's unrequited love for an asexual" :P ). in my opinion, being a sexual who us in love with an asexual is not very easy, because we don't really know how they would express their "romantic feelings" towards us without them actually saying it to our faces. maybe what we would feel as "being friendly" is actually their way of expressing emotional interest. it's also more frustrating when the asexual you have feelings for is a very close friend, and you want to avoid the awkwardness (or worse, the end of a really good friendship :( ) that might come after we tell them how we feel about them, especially if the feeling is not mutual and they don't think it could ever be.

maybe he has already sensed that you have grown emotionally attached to him and his refusal to reply to your invitations for dinner might be his way of avoiding to confront the issue...maybe he's not sure that a sexual-asexual relationship would work for him? your idea of taking a week off might be a good thing to do. you can do some thinking (if you think you need to do that), or just keep yourself busy and not concentrate on this too much. not contacting him for a week won't necessarily mean that you don't love him anymore. i think it means that you're giving time for things and thoughts to "settle down". think of it this way, if you're baking a cake, opening the oven to check on it every 3 minutes won't result in a good cake would it? hehe :) one question though, does he know that you have romantic feelings towards him?

i'm sorry if i haven't given you direct advice like "yes, asexual men still would like to do the pursuing if they like someone", but i hope my insight helps

:)

justlikeastar