My Husband's Excuses for Not Having Sex

[Cybersoul]

I have been married for 3 years and had only known my husband 2 months prior to marriage.

I am quite sure he is asexual. Sex to him seems like a chore. Even on our wedding night and honeymoon, I sensed that he was uncomfortable with it; as if it was a duty.

After that, it got worse. I would try to talk to him about the lack of sex, but he would actually blame all sorts of things.

In the past 3 years, we has been extremely affectionate, but never sexual. I feel that he treats me like a teddy bear...

He has used the following reasons for not having sex:

-Being tired

-Work stressing him out

- Me not being nice enough

-Me not being feminine enough

-Me gaining weight

Let me just tell you that my weight gain was 100 percent due to the feeling of rejection.

I am so mad at my husband for blaming me for this... It took a lot of help around me to realize that I was not the reason.

He destroyed my selfesteem, and now I understand why he did that.

But I don't know if I can forgive him for hurting me.

Even if i know those were just excuses, the damage is deep and my selfesteem is shot.

It it a common asexual reaction to find excuses and blame the partner?

[Shinnok]

He should have just told you that he didn't like having sex instead of coming up with those excuses...Sorry that happened to you..those were mean excuses

*hugs*

Most asexuals don't blame their partner if their partner is sexual..at least I don't think they do

[Mimicking Sanity]

Is your husband aware of Asexuality?

Before people are familiar with the term, and accept it, they'll likely be unable to provide the exact reason for why they do what they do.

Perhaps your husband is asexual, perhaps he isn't. The 'excuses' may be reasons; But the only person who knows is your husband.

Perhaps a simple conversation will clear things up? If you decide to, please keep a calm attitude - People tend not to like being accused unfairly, and people tend to feel agitated around other irritated people.

[AVENCakes]

He should have just told you that he didn't like having sex instead of coming up with those excuses...Sorry that happened to you..those were mean excuses

*hugs*

Most asexuals don't blame their partner if their partner is sexual..at least I don't think they do

They seem to if they aren't aware of their asexuality, because they might think they're normal and the sexual partner is the problem, or the partner's desire for sex makes them feel like something's wrong with thems o they don't want to think about it.

[Shinnok]

yeh..true

[happylife]

The same question again,,

is he aware of asexuality?

Realizing where I really am and where I came from made a huge difference. :)

[< retired >]

I am quite sure he is asexual.

The only way to know for sure that he is asexual is if he says so. He might be sexual but impotent. Impotent men are often deeply ashamed of their condition, and blame their partner instead of admitting their own disability.

The word 'asexual' as defined by AVEN is an endless source of confusion. Really, we should come up with a new word which just means lack of sexual attraction, instead of using a definition different than that used in biology (lack of sexual activity).

Is it a common asexual reaction to find excuses and blame the partner?

Most asexuals probably avoid getting themselves into relationships where they need to apologize. For those that do get into such relationships, the number who denigrate their partner instead of admitting the truth is probably small, but who knows?

I'm sorry about your situation, and I hope that you can work things out.

[Sally]

It it a common asexual reaction to find excuses and blame the partner?

That's hard to say, because so many people who may be asexual don't know that asexuality actually exists. I know that I didn't blame my husband or my partner for my lack of sexual attraction or enjoyment. I don't think it's a trait of asexuals; it's a reaction of someone who may be confused and acting out against his partner -- i.e., immaturity and thoughtless cruelty.

From my experience listening to people on AVEN, the only thing we share in common is our lack of sexual attraction to others. But we have different personalities/behavioral characteristics. Asexuals are no more natural "blamers" than sexuals.

[mad_scientist]

Does he know what asexuality is?

If he's asexual and doesn't know it, he probably does think it's your fault.

[Guest disjointed]

I have been married for 3 years and had only known my husband 2 months prior to marriage.

dare I suggest what hasn't been suggested?

could it be that in such a whirlwind romance knowing each other for only 8 weeks before marrying may suggest that you didn't know each other that well and the lack of sex may just be your not compatable and your hubby is showing that not being to keen to carry out the last act of sex.

No partner should ever make you feel a lesser person!

There are times where you will argue thats normal and sometimes each will say something that makes you feel bad but that is a normal relationship way, if however he keeps making you feel bad about yourself then perhaps you really didn't know each other at all.

I guess what I am saying is given the short time you knew each other before getting married you need to talk to him to establish

(1) if he got married far to quick, feels trapped and is taking it out on you with sex witholding being the ultimate control tool in a Sexual relationship or

(2) if he genuinely has issues around sex, don't assume it's Asexuality it could be low libido, confidence issues, possibly gay or Asexual.

If your uncomfortable with it and afraid to talk (although clearly you need to and be honest with each other) leave the p.c. on when you know he's about to use it on the Aven homepage

[MeMyselfAndI]

He's obviously going through something but that doesn't give him the right to hurt you. That's very wrong but it's got to be hard on him as well. For men, it's far more difficult to admit you're asexual because society places so much importance on men having to be REAL men from when we're little and if you tell people (especially other men) you're just not interested in sex at all, immediately, they think you're gay. Go figure! People just don't seem to be able to comprehend the concept.

If he's not aware there's such a thing as being asexual... if he not aware that it may be a real option, it leaves him wondering "What the hell's wrong with me?"

With me, as soon as I read about asexuality, I immediately identified with it. It wasn't something new to me. It was something I'd known about me for a long time and been comfortable with, but after reading about it, it had a name. He may also find peace in knowing what's going on and to know it's okay (and then you can get some peace as well).

I've been married for 16 years with a wonderfully kind woman (albeit sexual, but she hardly ever wants it). I love being all warm and snuggly with her. We understand each other and I understand relationships are give and take (and luckily, I only have to give around once every two years or so). We've got a beautiful 13 year old daughter and everything's nice. So I guess my point is, it can work and there are some hugely satisfying payoffs for being in a relationship with an asexual (I find we can be more honestly intimate because we love the person, not because we're just trying to get our rocks off with them... and he'll never sleep around on you :)

He just needs to sort himself out first. Perhaps you could talk to him if he feels comfortable talking about it. You may find he sees it as a big relief to finally know what's going on and to get it off his chest. If he's not the talkative type, perhaps you could leave some literature lying around that he may "accidentally" come across.

Well, I hope it works out for you because I know it can... If you love each other for who you are and not for what you can get out of each other, you can have a very long, happy and prosperous marriage. Good luck :)

[Cybersoul]

Thanks a MILLION for your incredibly helpfull replies.

He does not know that he is asexual; it is just my guess because what I have read on this site matches what he usually tells me:

I feel like i have to punch in for sex, I could careless about sex, etc...

For me, this is huge, because I do not understand how to get ourselves in the bedroom.

I must say, sex is very important for me.

I feel badly rejected, especially since he blames me for not being attractive enough.

I have to figure out if I love him enough to deal with all this, but because I am mad at him for blaming me and hurting me, I don't know at this point if I can.

Now he is on a trip and will be there for a long time; so i had to tell him about this website. He agreed to read about this subject, so I will send him a link to this site.

I'll keep posting...

[Guest disjointed]

If you feel that you are unable to express your feelings to him but then ask him to look at them as a post on Aven then if nothing more it will open up dialogue.

It's funny that someone can call us names and put us down and if it was someone we didn't know we would say up yours mate, but because it's some one we allow close then we seem to allow it to hurt us. If this is what is being done then it needs to stop! you don't put down people you love or care for full stop !

From some of your comments Cybersoul I am not sure if he is Asexual or wether he just doesn't fancy you anymore I think before you delve any further then you need to clarify that point first, It's an imoprtant point.

If he is, then blames you for putting on weight and your ugly to hide Asexuality then he needs to know being Asexual is not a sin or embarrasing in fact it's quite refreshing. If he is Asexual and sex is important to you but not him then there rarely is anything other than two ways forward

you need either find a way to compromise and that comes in one or two ways or accept that you both have different needs and call it a day before you both hurt each other more

In the back of my head I suspect the 8 week relationship then getting married has more to do with it than someone is preparred to admit

What ever happens I hope first the demeaning of a partner will stop immediatly then you can both find a way forward what ever it is

[Tool1989]

-Me not being nice enough

-Me not being feminine enough

-Me gaining weight

Yup. Definately excuses. Truthfully though he may actually believe that so he feels like nothing is wrong with him. I don't think it is you though...I get this feeling because he is blaming you for everything related to sex. <_<

[evanescence]

Just curious... Did you not have any inkling of his indifference/aversion to sex before you married him? I'm not talking about verbal disclosure, but about body language. It seems to me that most asexual people would show their hand one way or another. For instance, did he seem driven to make out with you? If/when he made out with you, did he get hard? I always say, in matters of sexuality, never listen to people's words -- always listen to their behaviour. I do think that some asexuals are dishonest about their orientation (either through overt lying or through the proverbial 'sin of omission'). While I certainly don't condone dishonesty, I can understand it: I think some asexuals may think their situation is hopeless unless they present a more sexual facade, or may believe it's somehow normal to exaggerate one's interest in sex in the early phases of a relationship.

Have you sat your husband down and respectfully request that he move beyond excuses and tell you what's really going on?

E.

[Apollonian]

The word 'asexual' as defined by AVEN is an endless source of confusion. Really, we should come up with a new word which just means lack of sexual attraction, instead of using a definition different than that used in biology (lack of sexual activity).

How about an already existing word?

Analloerotic.

[AVENCakes]

The word 'asexual' as defined by AVEN is an endless source of confusion. Really, we should come up with a new word which just means lack of sexual attraction, instead of using a definition different than that used in biology (lack of sexual activity).

How about an already existing word?

Analloerotic.

* Analloerotic: Lacking in sexual interests towards others (but not lacking in sexual drive)

Hm, that seems quite accurate. I'm not sure if people are up for a change in words, though. :/ And does analloerotic have any other connotations we should worry about?

[Apollonian]

The word 'asexual' as defined by AVEN is an endless source of confusion. Really, we should come up with a new word which just means lack of sexual attraction, instead of using a definition different than that used in biology (lack of sexual activity).

How about an already existing word?

Analloerotic.

* Analloerotic: Lacking in sexual interests towards others (but not lacking in sexual drive)

Hm, that seems quite accurate. I'm not sure if people are up for a change in words, though. :/ And does analloerotic have any other connotations we should worry about?

Not that I'm aware of. Same way you would talk about heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, there are also anallerotics. It's a word which refers to a particular sexual orientation.

[AVENCakes]

The word 'asexual' as defined by AVEN is an endless source of confusion. Really, we should come up with a new word which just means lack of sexual attraction, instead of using a definition different than that used in biology (lack of sexual activity).

How about an already existing word?

Analloerotic.

* Analloerotic: Lacking in sexual interests towards others (but not lacking in sexual drive)

Hm, that seems quite accurate. I'm not sure if people are up for a change in words, though. :/ And does analloerotic have any other connotations we should worry about?

Not that I'm aware of. Same way you would talk about heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, there are also anallerotics. It's a word which refers to a particular sexual orientation.

And it doesn't have the word sex in it, which is always a plus, and starts with "A" so we wouldn't have to rename AVEN. Not sure if we could sell everyone on it, though.

[Mimicking Sanity]

I rather like change. It shouldn't take long to get used to, but I find 'Asexual' too fun a word to abandon it now. Also, I like the term 'Asexy'.

However, we are digressing from the original topic.

Cybersoul, I hope that all goes well between your husband and yourself.

Your temporary separation could possibly be a great thing - Both of you are away from each other, and hopefully any strains between the two of you shall lessen.

Time alone is great for reflecting, for contemplation. I suggest that you take advantage of it - Prepare conversations for his return maybe. Do as you wish.

On behalf of Aven, you're welcome.

[AVENCakes]

back on topic- I do hope you guys can work things out. I also think you really need to find a way to make him stop blaming you, it isn't fair to you. Let us know how it goes.

I rather like change. It shouldn't take long to get used to, but I find 'Asexual' too fun a word to abandon it now. Also, I like the term 'Asexy'.

I would hate to give up Asexy. Maybe it could be asexy/asexual are our version of gay/straight- and Analloerotic our version of hetero/homosexual? Or vice versa, because that's a bit confusing?

[Mimicking Sanity]

One short, off-topic comment.

It makes sense, RCDraconis.

An informal term, and a formal term. I like it; It has my vote.

[Sally]

I love asexy/asexual. I've tried but just can't pronounce analloerotic.

[AVENCakes]

Apologies for the offtopicness here, it happens sometimes on the internet. Anyways, I've made a topic about analloerotic here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=35204 So we can stop getting away from Cybersoul's troubles. ^^;

I love asexy/asexual. I've tried but just can't pronounce analloerotic.

I pronounce it an-al-oh-ee-raw-tik, but tend to drop the 'ee' when I say it to fast. So it becomes an-al-oh-raw-tik.

[Sally]

Was just sounding that out and I came up with "analerotic", like "Aaanal", which is not good!!!

[square peg]

-Me not being nice enough

-Me not being feminine enough

-Me gaining weight

Yup. Definately excuses. Truthfully though he may actually believe that so he feels like nothing is wrong with him. I don't think it is you though...I get this feeling because he is blaming you for everything related to sex. <_<

That seems very plausible to me, too. For a while I assumed that I was just a late bloomer; this wasn't to be deceptive, I believed it. Later, I thought it was because I lacked confidence with boys; this was true, but I soon realised that that didn't stop other people feeling sexual attraction. Thought it was because I was depressed or anxious, which for a time I was, but the fact that I'm a fetishist and still had a sexual drive, but NEVER fantasised about sex to turn myself on, eventually convinced me that I was probably always going to be this way. The same has happened with other aspects of myself and I think it's quite common that when you haven't considered that something you're experiencing might be may be due to something about yourself, you look around for external things that could plausibly be causing it and assume that they must be the reason. When one fails, you just look for another.

Alternatively, he may think you wouldn't believe him or would think he is gay. I implied to my first boyfriend that I thought I was gay, because I didn't think he'd understand asexuality at all, thought he'd think I was making up bizarre excuses when I just didn't like him, and that he'd be more hurt and feel used by me for doing so. I thought that might make someone think the other person found something so repulsive about them that they couldn't tell the truth that they didn't like them.

[Cybersoul]

Here are my husband's latest thoughts:

I do not care about sex, if it's there good, if it's not, then I really don't think about it.

Is the above “normal”? cos I think about sex at least once a week and I’m a woman!!!

Now this sux for me, because even the few times i tried to initiate, he felt very uncomfortable and blew me off.

Let me tell you that rejection is like poison to me. So i don't even bother anymore.

Oh, I've been really bad with him lately; many things went through my mind: childhood trauma, sexual orientation.

Because I am so mad at how shitty he made me feel about myself, I actually told him I thought he was gay…

Here is my question to you guys, as I am very clumsy at being considerate of people’s feelings…

Knowing the following:

Were are taking some time apart to figure things out so we are thousands of miles away, for several months and can not have a face to face conversation.

How should I approach this topic to him? I’d like him to think about this and figure out what is going on with his sexuality

Should I send him the link to this page??

Thanks for your support guys: I really need help cos I’m lost

[Sally]

I think maybe you need to leave him alone for a while and let him think, and let yourself think, about how you feel about him. Telling him he's gay doesn't help the situation. However he feels about sex is normal for him; however you feel about sex is normal for you. The problem is do your two attitudes make it possible for you to be together. If that's not possible from your standpoint, there's no good in being hurtful to each other anymore. Stand back a bit.

[Cybersoul]

Thanks for your opinion Sally.

I agree with you. Standing back for a while might be the best thing to do.

That was the whole point of taking some time away from each other.

Also; I must admit that I have been harassing him with this topic. It's driving me completely crazy.

So I will stop and let it go for sometime, long enough for me to heal and be able to have a wise behavior/reasoning.

[< retired >]

How about an already existing word?

Analloerotic.

Three strikes against it:

1. Not clear how to pronounce it

2. Has 'anal' within

3. Has 'erotic' within

However, keep up the good work!