What should I do next?

[Guest disjointed]

I'm sorry but you seem intent on forcing through your point of view insisting that another site backs you .. so what?

you asked about Asexuality, you have got plenty of information avaliable and other members have offererd insights

I don't think personally your looking for a resolution I think your trying to convince others that your girlfriend is wrong and looking for info to " convert her" to sexuality

Me ? If I loved a person as my true love something like sex would not stand in my way

she is what she is and you are what you are make a compromise or move on

so for me thats my last post in this thread as I suspect you will not stop looking for an answer in your favour even when it isn't there

[Melon]

Telling me to give up sex is telling me to give up on a portion of my hopes and dreams for the fantasy romance I always envisioned.

What could that be like in a way that anyone, sexual or asexual, might be able to understand?

How about...

Imagine telling you that you could have true love, but you would have to willingly give up your sense of taste for the rest of your life. Every bit of lobster dipped in butter, or green salad with your favorite dressing, or even your favorite meal growing up as a kid...all tasting like ash. And you gave it up to be with someone you love.

Ok, some observations here. I hope some of them might help and that none of this comes across as if I think you are in some way at fault for the struggle you are having to work out what to do.

I LOVE my food, am addicted to it, as anyone who could actually see the size I am could tell you, LOL But I would give taste up in a flash if it was the make or break factor in being able to stay with my husband. An addiction to something sensual v the person I love, no contest.

I am the asexual in our mixed marriage. I tried like hell to like penetrative sex, to want it, but I can't, I'm not wired that way. What pleasure I could find in the cuddley aspects was far overshadowed by the feeling of being way out of my comfort zone and afterwards all I ended up feeling was alone, at worst traumatized, and at best far from bonded and close, no matter how I tried. Taking the route of the asexual ending up faking things and covering up their feelings or constantly trying to find excuses to get out of it is taking the route to disaster. I am concerned that should you pressure her to experiment, or should she decide to do so for fear of losing you otherwise, your relationship, and more importantly the person you love, could end up very damaged. Are you going to say to her that you can only love her if she is capable of becoming sexual? What is she going to feel about that? What is she going to feel if she tries and "fails" to meet your expectations of her, your condition on loving her?

There are wider definitions of lovemaking though. It's not all about sticking your organ inside someone, to put it crudely - hubby and I do make love, and it does constantly recreate the bond between us just like "normal" lovemaking, by means of concentrating on what we both CAN happily share in terms of physical intimacy instead. We are making the most of what we have. Don't let what's supposedly normal define your intensely personal relationship with the person you love, "make your own kind of music" as the old song says.

Lastly, we all have hopes and dreams for a fantasy romance when we start out, and in most cases have to come down to earth with a thud. Plus - to give you another perspective - I have a son with autism, grown up now, but still living at home with me. He was very different from the child I expected, and our relationship was very different from the mother/child relationship I had dreamed of. There have been times I struggled with that, when I wished my life as a parent had turned out more "normal" but he was the child that arrived for me to love and so he was/is the child I loved/love, for who he is, no less than I would have loved the child I had in my mind when I was pregnant. There's this story that gets passed round between parents of children with a disability, that asks you to compare the experience to having set out to go on holiday to one country but unexpectedly ended up in a completely different one - it may not be the destination you had imagined but if you look at the country you are actually in, you may find it has remarkable and wonderful things about it you would have missed had you not gone there. Maybe your relationship is destined to be an extraordinary one, your shared journey a very personal and different one. had you thought of that?

[ghosts]

Bellguy, I certainly wouldn't advocate that you give up sex. But, depending on her comfort zone, you might need to give up on having sex with her. Some asexuals are willing to compromise, but some aren't - and if they don't want to have sex, it doesn't mean they care any less about you. For some asexuals, sex is something that is really distasteful for them.

As others have written, there are other ways of having a meaningful, intimate relationship with someone, even if that relationship is sexless. This may come across as either cold or not very understanding of a sexual person's point of view, but if the asexual person is not willing to have sex, I'm not sure what else to tell you. A lot of people have awesome non-sexual relationships, both asexual and sexual people. But if you feel that the only satisfactory relationship you can have with this girl is a sexual one, I'm not sure what kind of a future there is for your relationship with her.

Either way, communication is essential. I wish you the best of luck.

[BunnyK.]

Being in a situation where I am forced to squash some of my desires, but not all of them, my perspective: it's not really worth it. My situation is only marginally worth it and I love my boyfriend very much. But it's hard work and it makes me feel bad a lot of the time, and my boyfriend is more-or-less still a sexual (just low-drive). I can't imagine how much worse it would make me feel if he were all the way asexual and unwilling to experiment.

Though when it comes down to it, I would never choose a person over my sense of taste, or my cats, or whatever. I think it's because I've found so many really special, loveable people in my life already, and I can't imagine that I wouldn't find another if the need arose. And I'm still friends with my most serious ex-boyfriends; they are great people, just not right for me. So I just don't understand this whole "sacrifice anything and everything" mentality.

[ghosts]

Though when it comes down to it, I would never choose a person over my sense of taste, or my cats, or whatever. I think it's because I've found so many really special, loveable people in my life already, and I can't imagine that I wouldn't find another if the need arose. And I'm still friends with my most serious ex-boyfriends; they are great people, just not right for me. So I just don't understand this whole "sacrifice anything and everything" mentality.

That's sort of what I was trying to get at (although I might not be reading this correctly). Even for someone who dates/gets into monogamous relationships, they still have a lot of awesome non-sexual relationships in their lives. I find that way too often, these relationships tend to lose value in our society in favor of the sexual relationship.

I mean, at one point, a sexual person I'm very close to was dating someone else - he had a sexual relationship with that person and a non-sexual relationship with me. Yet he didn't value one over the other - the fact that he wasn't having sex with me (even though he may have been sexually attracted to me) didn't change the fact that we could have a really intimate & loving relationship without the sex.

[reptilelover]

Though when it comes down to it, I would never choose a person over my sense of taste, or my cats, or whatever. I think it's because I've found so many really special, loveable people in my life already, and I can't imagine that I wouldn't find another if the need arose. And I'm still friends with my most serious ex-boyfriends; they are great people, just not right for me. So I just don't understand this whole "sacrifice anything and everything" mentality.

Well, consider it this way: some people like their life companion just as much as you like your cats. You say, “if it were your partner or your cats it would be your cats”. It is actually quite similar to “if it were your partner or your cats it would be your partner”. I suppose just like you don't understand this whole "sacrifice anything and everything" mentality, they don’t understand this whole “sacrifice anyone for anything and everything” mentality. :P

Also, in general, I don’t think the taste comparison was actually a good one. One can sacrifice only that which concerns his/her body only, not that which concerns other people as well. Therefore a sacrifice of taste is actually a sacrifice, the sacrifice of sex is only a “sacrifice” (no more a sacrifice then, for example, "sacrificing" yourself to be with someone who doesn’t have million dollars for example). Giving up masturbation would be a sacrifice, giving up seeking sex with other people would be a sacrifice. But giving up sex I’m afraid isn’t one. You can’t sacrifice something you are not entitled to have (that people think they are entitled to have sex is, pardon the bluntness, their problem). If you plan a permanent term monogamous relationship with another person you should be prepared for the situation of permanent “no sex”. It happens eventually with quite a lot of people – asexual or otherwise.

So to restate what others have said so far: either she "compromises" (until she gets fed up with having sex, don’t expect it won’t happen even if she is willing to “compromise” for a while), you “compromise”, or you find someone else who will be perfect for you looking through the prism of your current wants. After all there are some 7 billion people in this world. You should be able to find one perfect for your current wants any time your current wants change (and please be honest with your prospective partners that they are worth as a partner only as long as they satisfy your current wants). No problem there. There really are no more options then that.

And please, do not pressurise someone unwilling into sex. That is actually a form of sexual harassment so don’t do it.

[Sally]

How can you choose not to be attracted?

Well that's not exactly how it works but it's the best way that I can sum it up.

It doesn't just turn off and on. It's always on, but depending on the person it ranges in how I would react.

For most asexuals, it's always off.

I get that part. I understand the CONCEPT. I just don't/can't understand what it must be like.

Maybe it's because I've just read too many sexuals' reports of how they can't understand what their asexual partners/spouses feel, but I have gotten a bit impatient with the need to understand *what it must be like.*

I think what is necessary is for you -- the sexual -- to BELIEVE your partner when she says how she feels. You aren't expected to understand exactly how she got there, but you should show her the respect of acknowledging what she says and what it means to your relationship, and not try to argue/convince her into feeling something different. You can propose a lot of "ifs": What if you did this, what if she did that, what if you both did the other thing. The fact remains that she doesn't feel the way you want her to feel (and conversely, you value something (sex) that she doesn't. Compromise doesn't always mean the asexual does a little bit of what the sexual wants, in the hopes that the asexual will eventually do all of what the sexual wants.

I often sense a note of badgering in sexuals' complaints and it makes me very uneasy.

[BunnyK.]

Well, consider it this way: some people like their life companion just as much as you like your cats. You say, “if it were your partner or your cats it would be your cats”. It is actually quite similar to “if it were your partner or your cats it would be your partner”. I suppose just like you don't understand this whole "sacrifice anything and everything" mentality, they don’t understand this whole “sacrifice anyone for anything and everything” mentality. :P

Now this is entirely unfair. If I were a "sacrifice anyone for anything and everything" kind of person, I wouldn't be in the relationship that I have now. In fact, I would probably never be in a relationship at all. It's not that I like my cats more than I like my boyfriend - I wouldn't sacrifice my cats because when I brought them home, I made an agreement to take responsibility for them for the rest of their lives. If I'd made an agreement to do that with my boyfriend, things would be different. So far, I have avoided taking responsibility for him. :P And luckily for our relationship, he loves cats!

And while I would like to think that I would give up my life for my partner if the situation called for it, I wouldn't be comfortable giving up things that I value as part of my identity. Therefore I wouldn't give up my desire for sexuality, or my political views, or my love for trashy entertainment. I don't think that's a bad thing - wouldn't you rather have a partner who has a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries? I don't think it's healthy to excessively change who you are for someone else; there's a difference between compromise and self-abnegation.

[reptilelover]

Now this is entirely unfair. If I were a "sacrifice anyone for anything and everything" kind of person, I wouldn't be in the relationship that I have now. In fact, I would probably never be in a relationship at all. It's not that I like my cats more than I like my boyfriend - I wouldn't sacrifice my cats because when I brought them home, I made an agreement to take responsibility for them for the rest of their lives. If I'd made an agreement to do that with my boyfriend, things would be different. So far, I have avoided taking responsibility for him. :P And luckily for our relationship, he loves cats!

And while I would like to think that I would give up my life for my partner if the situation called for it, I wouldn't be comfortable giving up things that I value as part of my identity. Therefore I wouldn't give up my desire for sexuality, or my political views, or my love for trashy entertainment. I don't think that's a bad thing - wouldn't you rather have a partner who has a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries? I don't think it's healthy to excessively change who you are for someone else; there's a difference between compromise and self-abnegation.

Well, neither is “sacrifice anything and everything” really fair towards people who would sacrifice their sense of taste for their loved one. Obviously, there are limits to what they would sacrifice, as having sex (for some) is not one of those things. And some people do make commitments (responsibility) to their partners so there… That’s the difference. :P

Anyways, in my opinion sacrifices (the true meaning of the term, not the ego picked one) ruin relationships not make them work. You should not sacrifice what you are in order to be with someone. You can, of course, sacrifice for your loved one and not end up mentally traumatised, but purely for it’s own sake, not as a price one pays for company. The price thing leads to a lot of ill will eventually. In other words, you shouldn’t change at all for someone else unless you really want to (none of that you’d do it if you truly loved me etc. guilt trip).

[evanescence]

<<But as a sexual person I can tell you it's not that simple to give up. Maybe if you took the time to understand a sexual in turn?>>

I don't think anyone was suggesting you need to give up sex, only that you may need to give it up if you stay with this woman. If sex is very important to you (and you're perfectly entitled to feel that way), you may ultimately need to give her up. Sex is one of the top two reasons for relationship breakups. Why stack the odds so heavily in your disfavour at the outset?

E.