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Putting on my old coat


doogs

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I am nearly 50, and have known I'm asexual since I was a teenager, yet unlike many of this forum I have never been happy with my (a)sexual identity, and even after all these years suffer grief and wish I could change.

I just want to be like everyone else, a desire that only gets more intense with age. But also, I feel sad at the thought of being alone forever and dying alone. I want to be loved by somene other than my cat.

From time to time I have episodes of trying to act like a sexual, which have always ended in heartbreak and humiliation. Even in my old age I haven't learned better.

Most recently, I went on a "date". This is something that's only happened a few times in my life. I haven't had one in many years. I was thrilled to have gotten someone sexual to go out with me, and plus I really really liked him. I had all these fantasies of how I was finally, for the first time in my life, going to have a boyfriend. We went out and I did my best to act "normal", had a good time and thought he did too.

The best part for me was when the waiter thought we were married and referred to him in front of me as "your husband". I can't tell you how my heart turned over hearing those words. I felt so happy and wished they were true.

You know the rest of the story, right? After that night he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since. He's letting me know he didn't have a good time, doesn't like me and doesn't wish to see me again.

And even though it was only a little more than a week from fantasy to letdown, I feel so hurt. I feel like hiding under a blanket and drinking endless cups of hot chocolate with my cat (who loves me unconditionally) on my lap.

And yet... there is also an old familiar comfort. I recognize this feeling from so many other failed attempts at sexuality.

It's the feeling of knowing, in my bones, who and what I am, even though I am different from 99% of the other people on this planet.

It's the sound of my own inner voice talking to me, comforting me (since there is no one else to do it), saying, "Hey, girl, you are a fantastic person with so much going for you in your life...You'll get over this, just as you have so many times before."

It's the satisfaction of having my core identity affirmed, even if that core identity is something the 99% cannot comprehend.

It's being right, once again, even though I hoped against hope I was wrong.

It's knowing that my asexualty is as immutable as the laws of the universe. The sun will come up tomorrow and I am asexual.

It feels exactly like slipping on an old, familiar overcoat, one that's well worn but too special to throw away. It fits me better than anything else ever could and I know it so well, it's like it's a part of me. How could I ever have thought to replace it with a new one? I could buy a fur, but it wouldn't be me.

And yet I want it.

How do I learn to accept myself for who and what I am? I wish I knew. I don't want to act like such an idiot and be so embarrassed and hurt again, but I don't know how to stop wanting to be what I'm not.

I have a feeling there will be more episodes of trying to act like a sexual if I see even the slightest opportunity.

At my age, I should know better. I would like to try to learn something from this episode and begin to try to work on accepting myself as I am rather than trying to change...a hopeless prospect for anybody at nearly fifty.

And still there's this voice in my heard suggesting that if I get plastic surgery perhaps I will be successful as a sexual...

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I am nearly 50, and have known I'm asexual since I was a teenager, yet unlike many of this forum I have never been happy with my (a)sexual identity, and even after all these years suffer grief and wish I could change.

I just want to be like everyone else, a desire that only gets more intense with age. But also, I feel sad at the thought of being alone forever and dying alone. I want to be loved by somone other than my cat.

Unlike yourself, I only found the "asexual" label recently (10 September 2008 ... a glorious day).

Already it fits me as you describe,

"an old, familiar overcoat, one that's well worn but too special to throw away. It fits me better than anything else ever could and I know it so well, it's like it's a part of me.",

albeit that mine is a brand NEW coat, and I'm getting to know it better, daily. (So :P )

I've traveled most of the world, ...

I've seen "everyone else" or a goodly proportion of them, ...

Please ... GOD ... don't make me be like them !

From time to time I have episodes of trying to act like a sexual, which have always ended in heartbreak and humiliation. Even in my old age I haven't learned better.

Hooo Boy ... can i relate to that!

But now, ... only in the "Past Tense".

The single post that slammed opened my eyes, ... that wrenched my heart, ... and brought tears to my cheeks

is, in part, reproduced from locogirlp, below ...

I've done enough reading on here to see that there are many "types" of asexuals. I don't know where I fit in here really and don't much care, I am who I am. And that is:

In the beginning of a relationship I desire sex with the object of my affections because (I have learned) it is a pathway for me. I am one of those that consider sex a bonding experience at the beginning of a relationship. I feel it is imperative at that point as it is one of the only ways to sew a particular thread in the tapestry of an intimate relationship. It -- to me -- is part of the weaving of trust and security and is one of the bricks that one lays down as the relationship is built. But after a time and once it has been used to sew the pieces together, I desire to lay that thread aside for good. It is as if it has performed its purpose and now it is on to the next phase!

There is another reason the oxytocin phase (I call it NRE for "New Relationship Energy") is vital to me. It is the only time that sex feels good to me -- i.e., before it becomes boring and vaguely disgusting.

I desire to be affectionate and loving and flirty.....all these things demonstrate my love and respect. I simply do not wish to be held accountable or responsible for the sexual satisfaction of another human being. I do not find sex compelling enough to even make the effort. Sex does nothing for me except make me slightly queasy. :)

Anyway, I guess that's about it. I certainly hope I "fit in" around here. Thanks for listening/reading.

If I had one tenth the intelligence which is attributed to me, ... I could have written that.

And should have.

Thirty bloody years ago!!!

But at least I got to read it!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know the rest of the story, right? After that night he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since. He's letting me know he didn't have a good time, doesn't like me and doesn't wish to see me again.

He's either a bastard, or has been run over by a bus.

For the sake of his soul, let's hope it was the latter.

It's the sound of my own inner voice talking to me, comforting me (since there is no one else to do it), saying, "Hey, girl, you are a fantastic person with so much going for you in your life...You'll get over this, just as you have so many times before."

It's the satisfaction of having my core identity affirmed, even if that core identity is something the 99% cannot comprehend.

It's knowing that my asexualty is as immutable as the laws of the universe. The sun will come up tomorrow and I am asexual.

May your God or Gods (or me :) ) ... bless you for your insightfullness.

At my age, I should know better. I would like to try to learn something from this episode and begin to try to work on accepting myself as I am rather than trying to change...a hopeless prospect for anybody at nearly fifty.

Dang ... we 'should' both have known better 20 or 30 years ago :D

But ... Now we do ...

Ain't

It

Great?

As for the hopeless prospect @ nearly 50 thingy ...

There are plenty of us who would loooove to meet a "saweeet, asexy young thang"!) :D

And still there's this voice in my head suggesting that if I get plastic surgery perhaps I will be successful as a sexual...

May your God or Gods (or me :) ) ... smack you around the ears for this nonsense :lol: .

I really hope you enjoy, and learn from, your time with AVEN. Well Come! :cake:

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As far as I can see, from my own life and AVENites' comments, the only bad thing about being asexual is that we don't have a cohort in our lives. We don't know who else is out there, so we don't have a relationship pool. That's a serious problem. However, that might get better in the near future, and benefit even those who are in their 50s. (Probably not those who are more than 60, though!)

Otherwise, it's fine. Except for having to put up with scenes of sex sex SEX everywhere you look.

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As far as I can see, from my own life and AVENites' comments, the only bad thing about being asexual is that we don't have a cohort in our lives. We don't know who else is out there, so we don't have a relationship pool. That's a serious problem. However, that might get better in the near future, and benefit even those who are in their 50s. (Probably not those who are more than 60, though!)

Otherwise, it's fine. Except for having to put up with scenes of sex sex SEX everywhere you look.

Sally, that's so true.

I have often thought that the first step in learning to accept myself as I am would be getting rid of my television set!

Because I can't turn in on for five minutes without getting the message that makes me feel so bad about myself: SEX is a MANDATORY and THE MOST IMPORTANT part of life.

I wonder if I could do it; I do enjoy getting my weather forecast and watching trivia like the vice presidential debate. Those are about the only things that don't make me feel bad!

Maybe I could learn to just switch it off the second it makes me feel bad?

Of course, I couldn't go to movies anymore, either.

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I too spent a lifetime trying to fit in and be like everyone else...I failed miserably with a string of heartaches trailing behind me and so many 'what ifs' . I found AVEN almost four years ago now and it was such a relief to understand why I was as I am, to discover that there are others like me! I've decided that it would be unfair to hope that a sexual man would be content with just my company so relationships are a non-starter.

Yes, it gets lonely but when I hear my married colleagues talk about their relationships I often think solitude is not such a bad thing - it does have its compensations. I've screed up my own life so badly I would never offer advice on how to come to terms with things - we all have to find our own 'path up the mountain' (a Bhuddist saying) and yes, there are still time when I wish things could be different but I have to keep telling myself that they can't. The times I can accept and enjoy what I am are getting longer and the times of regret shorter (not that I ever exect the regrets to go away completely.)

Try to remember that you are a unique person - there never has, is or will be another you and hopefully you may be able to take it to heart.

Tan

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Nice responses, everyone, but there is nothing doogs said to imply that she didn't want to be sexual. She didn't say the guy didn't call her on a second date because she said she wasn't interested in sex.

Doogs, asexuals do go out on dates, do have boyfriends, and do get married. Just because you have not been as successful as desired doesn't mean you are asexual.

What did you learn from this date? You were trying to act "normal" ... what does that mean? Were you doing more acting than just being yourself? Could there have been a hint of desperation that the guy picked up on? I'm not beating you up, believe me, I'm just trying to figure out if you acted too differently on the date than you did at the time you two decided to go out to dinner? What would be wrong with just going out on a date and being your friendly inquisitive self just like you do when you go out with friends? Could the guy have thought this was a simple meal to be shared by two people as opposed to a getting-to-know-you-to-figure-out-if-we-should-have-a-relationship date? Consider this a learning experience ... which is cool ... and does not call for feeling humiliated or foolish.

Have you heard the Garth Brook's song The Dance

I could have missed the pain

But I would have missed the dance

Forget the negative feelings ... please!! It sounded like you had a really good time and that is what really matters. So, yeah, if you have an opportunity again, GO FOR IT!! It's all fun. It's all learning. You just never know ...

As far as plastic surgery, do you think the guy based his decision on whether to go out again or not based strictly on your looks? Who knows? In general, I would say alot of other things are more important than strictly looks. However, if you really think a change would give you a level a self-confidence to just be yourself more than anything else would, perhaps you should consider it seriously. There are no guarantees in life, but again, you just never know...

Worm

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You are right, I do want to be sexual and at the same time I know that I'm not. This is why I keep thinking and hoping that if I were more attractive I could somehow become sexual. I don't want to hope this but I do, and every time I do I get shot down again, and I wish I could stop. But I don't know how.

I am sure it is not only being unattractive, it is sending out the "vibe" that I am desperate. Well, I am, so how to not send this out is beyond me. And there is also the "asexual" vibe although I don't think sexuals separate that from unattractiveness, to them it is the same thing. And I am not sure they are not. I've read enough comments on here from other people who struggle with the issue of "Would I be sexual if I were attractive?" It is an unanswerable question unless there is some way to make an ugly woman attractive (see below).

You're not suggesting that a sexual guy would want to spend more than one night with an unattractive asexual woman, are you? And this guy is not asexual. I guess he just didn't realize who and what I was at first.

On the plastic surgery thing, I was really serious. I went to see a top surgeon and really got shot down. He told me that because of a botched prior surgery and because of the extreme crookedness of my nose the surgery would be "too much" for him to do and even if he did it might not come out well. He tried to talk me into a facelift instead. Imagine your worst day, now imagine being told you can never look like a normal person and your face is falling down as well!

At the same time I felt great relief, like now I can stop trying to ever have a boyfriend because it's impossible and more than that, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. IT'S MY NOSE.

If there's nothing that can be done about that, there's nothing that can be done, and I will never be able to know if I could have been sexual if I were better looking. That thought makes me feel even more desperate and yet at the same time at peace.

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It's a difficult one, this.

I'm about the same age as you, and whilst I'm not conventionally pretty, I am considered very attractive by men generally, and always have been. I have also always been asexual. There are some really gorgeous-looking people posting on this site who are asexual, so I would think that being physically attractive does not automatically = becomng sexual.

On the other hand, there is no quicker way to putting people off than being desperate, and showing that. If you felt ecstatic when the waiter thought you were married, I'm sure the man probably noticed that. If he asked you out on a date, then he must have found you attractive enough to do so. If by the end of the date, he thought that you were hoping he'd propose to you on the second date, that may well be why he never called again.

For years I had a (sexual male) friend, who was convinced that he never got beyond the first date with a woman because he was fat and ugly. He wouldn't listen to me when I told him it was because his whole life revolved around trying to find someone to make his life worth living, and this showed on every date. It was desperation, not his looks.

After several unsuccessful years, he finally gave up on relationships as a life fix-it, and started living for himself. He took up hobbies, went out socially, talked to women with no thought of a relationship. He's now living happily with a woman.

There are a hell of a lot of people out there with partners who are miserable as hell. Go out, live for yourself, have hobbies and interests, join social groups, speak to people purely because you're interested in them, and see what happens. You may meet that special person. You may not. But you'll have fun and make new friends and acquaintances.

If you are asexual, and have been for so many years, then I would say that's a part of you that you may well not be able to change. But you can change your life. And when you're comfortable with yourself, others will be more comfortable around you too.

I am in a long-term relationship with a sexual man. It does happen. All things are possible.

Oh, and 50 is not 'old age'. It might have been in the nineteenth century, but not any more. Put on your old coat, and get out into the world. It can be a daunting and even miserable thing, but hell, can it be fun and exciting too!

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I have read the posts on this thread and find the conversation to be very close to the kind of things I am feeling at this point in my life. This is my first real post. I just found AVEN a couple of days ago.

A brief look at my background: Married over 20 years then divorced. Constant serious abuse in that relationship. Have 5 children and love them very much. Have never been comfortable with sex or anything remotely related, since a child. Sex has only been a survival tool at best. Am, at this point in my life (nearly 50), without a close companion/partner. I have a dislike for being around people who are constantly talking or joking about "normal" sexual relationships. Love movies but hate the "sex" scenes. Only just found the name for what I experience about a year ago, "asexual." I have a tendency to feel like I must be real ugly or wearing a badge that says "I Hate Sex!" so that no one takes interest in me. In fact I seem to have a hard time making close friends let alone a companion/partner.

I don't really have a problem with being different except that it seems to bother other people so much. I like my old coat. I do have a problem with being alone. I have a huge problem with that. Right now I still have a minor child living with me. But that child will be moving on to college in about 3 years and the house will indeed be empty. I would so love to have a companion type partner to share my older years with. But I am cautious about such relationships as I do not want to be put in a spot where I must die inside in order to fit in outside.

It is great to find a place where I will be able to talk with others who understand and face some of the same issues that I do. I do not curently have a friend that is asexual and understands what that mean. I hope to find a support group in the area I live in.

Great Bhuddist saying Tan. I have no problem walking on my own path. It would be nice, however, if someone else had a path that ran somewhat parallel with mine.

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Go out, live for yourself, have hobbies and interests, join social groups, speak to people purely because you're interested in them, and see what happens. You may meet that special person. You may not. But you'll have fun and make new friends and acquaintances.

You can change your life. And when you're comfortable with yourself, others will be more comfortable around you too.

Put on your old coat, and get out into the world. It can be a daunting and even miserable thing, but hell, can it be fun and exciting too!

I have heard this advice so many many times before. It is a mystery to me why people assume I am NOT living my life this way. In fact I have been for many, many years. I have friends and acquaintances and fulfilling work and more hobbies than I have time for. My life in general is happy.

But people assume that if I am living this way I MUST have been able to get a boyfriend or MUST be comfortable with my asexuality and not wish to be sexual.

That is not true.

This advice does not work. Anyone? What does work?

In fact, the older I get the more desperate I get to try to be like everyone else. Once you are our age, you keep thinking about regrets you will have on your deathbed. Mine will be never having had a relationship. Never knowing what that was like.

Thus, maybe I should seek out a second surgical opinion and find someone else who will do the risky plastic surgery. Otherwise I will go to my grave not knowing whether it was my face standing in my way.

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Go out, live for yourself, have hobbies and interests, join social groups, speak to people purely because you're interested in them, and see what happens. You may meet that special person. You may not. But you'll have fun and make new friends and acquaintances.

You can change your life. And when you're comfortable with yourself, others will be more comfortable around you too.

Put on your old coat, and get out into the world. It can be a daunting and even miserable thing, but hell, can it be fun and exciting too!

I have heard this advice so many many times before. It is a mystery to me why people assume I am NOT living my life this way. In fact I have been for many, many years. I have friends and acquaintances and fulfilling work and more hobbies than I have time for. My life in general is happy.

But people assume that if I am living this way I MUST have been able to get a boyfriend or MUST be comfortable with my asexuality and not wish to be sexual.

That is not true.

This advice does not work. Anyone? What does work?

In fact, the older I get the more desperate I get to try to be like everyone else. Once you are our age, you keep thinking about regrets you will have on your deathbed. Mine will be never having had a relationship. Never knowing what that was like.

Thus, maybe I should seek out a second surgical opinion and find someone else who will do the risky plastic surgery. Otherwise I will go to my grave not knowing whether it was my face standing in my way.

A while back before I discovered my asexuality and was still mired in the sexual, I too contemplated getting myself the cute button Irish nose of my siblings instead of the German Luge to hell planted in the middle of my face!! Then I realized it wasn't my outside that needed fixing, was the in. looking into a mirror I had to LIKE the person I could not see before I was ready to give and share with anyone else. I've come a long way, and admittedly still a ways to go, but I'm getting there!! half a century to go :rolleyes:
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I guess just like nobody will believe I am busy and happy, no one will believe I actually like myself.

But I do.

Think about it: how could I have survived half a century and done as well as I have, without a single relationship, if I didn't like myself?

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Hi Doogs

In my reply earlier I neglected to address you personally. I too find that people think I do not like myself, but I do. So I believe you.

I may go against the norm a bit in that I love people. I love being social. I like getting out even if it is just for appointments and shopping. I just avoid most anything remotely to do with sexual stuff. I feel that others may not like me being so social. Maybe they can tell I have virtually no follow through when it comes to sexual intimacy? Maybe they see the several other labels I end up wearing even if I try not to let them be so visible. Who knows.

I don't like to give advice...this is the closest I would come...do what you like and what you have fun at...could be you'll find friends or even a partner that likes the same things without selling yourself short. I'm still hoping myself. So, there you go.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

Jojo

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Hi Doogs

In my reply earlier I neglected to address you personally. I too find that people think I do not like myself, but I do. So I believe you.

I may go against the norm a bit in that I love people. I love being social. I like getting out even if it is just for appointments and shopping. I just avoid most anything remotely to do with sexual stuff. I feel that others may not like me being so social. Maybe they can tell I have virtually no follow through when it comes to sexual intimacy? Maybe they see the several other labels I end up wearing even if I try not to let them be so visible. Who knows.

I don't like to give advice...this is the closest I would come...do what you like and what you have fun at...could be you'll find friends or even a partner that likes the same things without selling yourself short. I'm still hoping myself. So, there you go.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

Jojo

What's wrong with socializing? Humans are inherently wired to seek their kind, even if it is for an hour or two. This fixation of their sexual orientation as a terminal illness or some horrific physical abnormality blows me off the planet!! Your life is what YOU will make of it!! Don't know about the rest, but I don't get another pass on this merry go round. :rolleyes:
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Hi Doogs

In my reply earlier I neglected to address you personally. I too find that people think I do not like myself, but I do. So I believe you.

I may go against the norm a bit in that I love people. I love being social. I like getting out even if it is just for appointments and shopping. I just avoid most anything remotely to do with sexual stuff. I feel that others may not like me being so social. Maybe they can tell I have virtually no follow through when it comes to sexual intimacy? Maybe they see the several other labels I end up wearing even if I try not to let them be so visible. Who knows.

I don't like to give advice...this is the closest I would come...do what you like and what you have fun at...could be you'll find friends or even a partner that likes the same things without selling yourself short. I'm still hoping myself. So, there you go.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

Jojo

What's wrong with socializing? Humans are inherently wired to seek their kind, even if it is for an hour or two. This fixation of their sexual orientation as a terminal illness or some horrific physical abnormality blows me off the planet!! Your life is what YOU will make of it!! Don't know about the rest, but I don't get another pass on this merry go round. :rolleyes:

I agree with you Rayser! Sometimes we get a reminder as to how short life really is. Suddenly enjoying life today seems a whole lot more important. I can't count on others to do it for me. I must do it myself, whether that means staying at home or getting out.

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