Jump to content

What do you do if your last chance... is rapidly heading off into the suset?


Guest Heligan

Recommended Posts

Hi All,

This has the potential for being a long winded post, I need to give you a lot of background info so you can see where Im coming from.

Nearly 11 years ago I was sexual (at least I identified as sexual I could easily have identified as demi or grey as sexaul attraction was always after romantic attraction- all my adult life) and I had a new boyfriend who I was falling in love with- all nice and good. I was 27 and this was the second time I had been in love, I had kind of seen it as a one off thing to be honest, so it was quite a shock to be in it again. Anyway 6 weeks after we met this guy dies. I did quite a bit of drinking and had a two one night stands when I could not face the idea of being alone. The second one night stand had severe danger of turning into a relationship so I ran. This was about 6 months after he died.....I decided to have a celibate year rather than carry on running around and hurting other people a well.

Anyway time goes on the celibate year becomes five before I noticed that I have made no attempt to get back in the game as it were... but biological clock is ticking now. So I start to think about it, I start to look for 'potentials' and cant see any, except in people I used to fancy years ago. Its as if I broke my 'potential detector'. But I figure I can work with the dregs of past attraction, that all I need to do is jump start my sexuality by having sex. In fact I had done this before once, so I wasn't that worried.

So I decide I will try to have sex with someone I have know for years and used to have vibes with. I had assumed that if we started to act sexual, I would feel sexual; but I didn't, what I felt was nausea, what I did was flinch. Now he was a nice guy and wasn't wanting to have sex with someone who obviously was forcing themselves.

I figured OK, sex is out, maybe Im just not ready, but I need to move on with the baby thing I will look for a sperm donor. That didn't go well,(but that's not the point of this post- just note I didn't keep trying to have sex)

Now during the celibate year I met a man, who I was 'drawn to', not exactly sexual but not, not sexual; just potential for sexual noted kind of thing. Nothing that amazing about that...

He was dating someone and I was celibate so nothing happened, we kind of became friends over the next five years or so.

Sometimes the vibes are so strong its like its another person in the room, but over time I realised there was no sexual attraction there anymore. Sure I feel the 'go towards' but I have no idea what I would do if I followed the impulse. And when he looks at me like that, I just feel myself start to close down.

PRESENT DAY

I have been friends with him for ten years now and I am still 'drawn' to him, and sometimes he seemed drawn to me, but there are problems other than my lack of sexual attraction. Over the last decade I have gone from agnostic to atheist and he is a fundamentalist Christian, so a relationship is not possible because of the equally yoked thing,we have discussed it.

Anyway he had a whirlwind romance (two weeks!) and is now engaged and I am feeling very ambivalent about it...

...on the one hand (practically) yeah the 'drawn to' vibes did seem to interfering with us having a proper friendship, so maybe this is a big thick line drawn under it and now we can have some kind of real friendship.

....on the other hand, (practically) I no longer get 'drawn to' people. Its like this only exists because it started so long ago before I lost the capacity. So compromise sex seems more possible with him that anyone else, because the romantic drawn to aspect does provide some reason to do it, even without sexual attraction,so I am not making everything up.

....emotionally Im having bouts of crying and a kind of despair at the idea that not only is there no hope (there was never any hope- its just over kill on the lack of hope now) but Im losing my one single friend. So Im worrying about him going off and disappearing into a family bubble.

A part of me wants to make some dramatic gesture before he gets married, but that would effectively end any chances of a continued friendship after he marries, but as I say once they go into the family bubble its 99% ended friendship-wise anyway.

Do I no longer have anything to lose by heading down this road to nowhere?

I get that its a bit of a messy story, with lots of stuff about not just asexual transition but romantic and aromantic variations involved as well. With a big chunk of fear of isolation thrown in to, not to mention the baby thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't say what you should do, I can only say what I imagine I would do if it was me... and that's leave it well alone. If you make a move on him now it could wreck your friendship and wreck his chances of happiness with his fiancee. If I cared about a guy and he was going to get married I would not want to risk upsetting that for him. I would draw the line under it, make friends with his fiancee too and continue to hang out with him as friend of the family and when kids arrive, auntie. I would feel that if it were meant to happen it would have before now, and perhaps look for an asexual partner. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs and warm hopes for you that you feel better about this soon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I can't say what you should do, I can only say what I imagine I would do if it was me... and that's leave it well alone. If you make a move on him now it could wreck your friendship and wreck his chances of happiness with his fiancee. If I cared about a guy and he was going to get married I would not want to risk upsetting that for him. I would draw the line under it, make friends with his fiancee too and continue to hang out with him as friend of the family and when kids arrive, auntie. I would feel that if it were meant to happen it would have before now, and perhaps look for an asexual partner. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs and warm hopes for you that you feel better about this soon.

I do feel that, and I think if it had happened in a less frantic way it would be easier to see this relationship he has with his finance as genuine and solid.

Sometimes the way he talks about her its as if its an arranged marriage. The other day he said that marriage was about commitment and he was fed up with knocking on doors that wouldnt open and God disaproved off... that this felt like Gods plan and they would 'make it work'.

What if this is not a love match......

However he did say he was 'in love' initially...

PS. It has just occurred to me that I was handling the whole thing much better, until he said the stuff about doors that God disaproves of....

Link to post
Share on other sites
I can't say what you should do, I can only say what I imagine I would do if it was me... and that's leave it well alone. If you make a move on him now it could wreck your friendship and wreck his chances of happiness with his fiancee. If I cared about a guy and he was going to get married I would not want to risk upsetting that for him. I would draw the line under it, make friends with his fiancee too and continue to hang out with him as friend of the family and when kids arrive, auntie. I would feel that if it were meant to happen it would have before now, and perhaps look for an asexual partner. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs and warm hopes for you that you feel better about this soon.

I do feel that, and I think if it had happened in a less frantic way it would be easier to see this relationship he has with his finance as genuine and solid.

Sometimes the way he talks about her its as if its an arranged marriage. The other day he said that marriage was about commitment and he was fed up with knocking on doors that wouldnt open and God disaproved off... that this felt like Gods plan and they would 'make it work'.

What if this is not a love match......

However he did say he was 'in love' initially...

PS. It has just occurred to me that I was handling the whole thing much better, until he said the stuff about doors that God disaproves of....

I really do understand your pain, but I agree with Melon too.

It seems that a huge issue here is his religion, more than if he's 'in love' with his fiance or not. Fundamentalist have, as you know, very strong opinions in line with their fundamentalism. That would explain his views about the definition of marriage, and his 'whirlwind' engagement. If you were to have a romantic-compromised-sexual relationship with him I seriously doubt it would last very long.

Most (if not all) relationships have problems. Your lack of sexual desire would be seen by him as a 'sign' of God's 'disapproval' along with anything else that went 'wrong' in the relationship. Any problems would be seen by him as a sign of divine 'punishment' for not being 'equally yoked'. On the other hand, if he experienced the exact same problems with a partner who has the same religious views as he does, he would view them as part of God's 'plan' and as being 'tested' (by the 'devil'?) to 'make it work', i.e. stay in line with God's 'plan'.

Try not to internalize his comments about 'doors' that God 'disapproves' of. It's really not your fault. Fundamentalists seem to always assume they 'know' what God 'thinks'. That's their religious POV, but not an accurate statement about you. Even if you take the sexual attraction/non-attraction out of the equation, it would still be the same. Since you are an atheist, a relationship with any religious fundamentalist wouldn't work, even an asexual religious fundamentalist.

So, although a 'marriage' relationship with this man wouldn't work, a friendship with him could still be enduring, and you would still be part of his life. IMHO.

I sincerely wish you peace of mind....and you still have plenty of time for your biological clock. And you don't actually need a partner for that, just a whole village!!! ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Heligan
I can't say what you should do, I can only say what I imagine I would do if it was me... and that's leave it well alone. If you make a move on him now it could wreck your friendship and wreck his chances of happiness with his fiancee. If I cared about a guy and he was going to get married I would not want to risk upsetting that for him. I would draw the line under it, make friends with his fiancee too and continue to hang out with him as friend of the family and when kids arrive, auntie. I would feel that if it were meant to happen it would have before now, and perhaps look for an asexual partner. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs and warm hopes for you that you feel better about this soon.

I do feel that, and I think if it had happened in a less frantic way it would be easier to see this relationship he has with his finance as genuine and solid.

Sometimes the way he talks about her its as if its an arranged marriage. The other day he said that marriage was about commitment and he was fed up with knocking on doors that wouldnt open and God disaproved off... that this felt like Gods plan and they would 'make it work'.

What if this is not a love match......

However he did say he was 'in love' initially...

PS. It has just occurred to me that I was handling the whole thing much better, until he said the stuff about doors that God disaproves of....

I really do understand your pain, but I agree with Melon too.

It seems that a huge issue here is his religion, more than if he's 'in love' with his fiance or not. Fundamentalist have, as you know, very strong opinions in line with their fundamentalism. That would explain his views about the definition of marriage, and his 'whirlwind' engagement. If you were to have a romantic-compromised-sexual relationship with him I seriously doubt it would last very long.

Most (if not all) relationships have problems. Your lack of sexual desire would be seen by him as a 'sign' of God's 'disapproval' along with anything else that went 'wrong' in the relationship. Any problems would be seen by him as a sign of divine 'punishment' for not being 'equally yoked'. On the other hand, if he experienced the exact same problems with a partner who has the same religious views as he does, he would view them as part of God's 'plan' and as being 'tested' (by the 'devil'?) to 'make it work', i.e. stay in line with God's 'plan'.

Try not to internalize his comments about 'doors' that God 'disapproves' of. It's really not your fault. Fundamentalists seem to always assume they 'know' what God 'thinks'. That's their religious POV, but not an accurate statement about you. Even if you take the sexual attraction/non-attraction out of the equation, it would still be the same. Since you are an atheist, a relationship with any religious fundamentalist wouldn't work, even an asexual religious fundamentalist.

So, although a 'marriage' relationship with this man wouldn't work, a friendship with him could still be enduring, and you would still be part of his life. IMHO.

I sincerely wish you peace of mind....and you still have plenty of time for your biological clock. And you don't actually need a partner for that, just a whole village!!! ;)

Hi Tikva,

You are completely right and it was for all the reasons you stated that I only went after friendship with him.

It is true that there is a slight chance of friendship after, but I think its doubtful- as even easy none vibe-riden friendships seem to weaken when the other person gets married. Maybe the vibes will go, and we will get to be real friends, that would be good... but I think it is moe likely that his wifey will see them and stop him being friends with me altogether.

Its quite possible that thedoors commewnt (if it was even dirrected at me) was more habit that a well thought through attempt to pass the ball back into my court i.e. not a hint for me to do something to stop him.

I honestly dont see us being friends after the marriage, and if we did managesomething its going to be a transparent shadow of what we have now....I suppose Im getting ready to let go entirely, and its this what Im really upset about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
Guest Heligan

Hi All,

Thought I would let you know the update on this situation; basically Im feeling much better about it all. We are already not really talking as much and I dont expect that to improve; but maybe thats ok- maybe its ok to lose him as a friend.

Friends come and go, after all... and this might be unexpected and sudden, but it is the way of things- which makes it familiar and vaguely comforting, albeit in a very odd way.

I am surprised at how little I care most of the time, considering the effort I put into the friendship the prospect of losing it is not tearing me apart 24-7.... in fact most of the time Im actually happy and its kind of a 'whatever' thing. Of course I do have to avoid romantic movies as these seem to tip me into at least 24 hours of mega despair- but its not coming from me really

There is a freedom, to not listening to him hinting that if only I wasnt an atheist (i.e. me) etc etc

Link to post
Share on other sites

Good to hear that you're doing better! Sounds like you made the right decision---the only decision really.

It also sounds like maybe your sometimes-despair is really a mourning of a 'fantasy' relationship with that person, i.e., how-it-could-have-been-if-only-he-wasn't (fill in the blank).

It seems like you're firmly gripped in reality though......so...... :cake: 8) ;) ^_^!

And best of luck to you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...