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fangless

One reason why I don't like sex

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fangless

I was doing a bit of late night musing the other night, and I sort of crystalised in my head a way to express one of the reasons why sex is not for me.

I see sex as both abuse and worship at the same time.

Please, hear me out...

By abuse, I mean (to my mind) - ridiculous, embarrassing, (emotionally) hurtful. I do realise that I am talking about what is probably the greatest possible pleasure for sexuals! I know that I only see it as 'abusive' because it seems fundamentally silly to me. And I also want to really make it clear that I understand there is a huge range of abuse and I don't want to diminish anyone's severe experiences by using the word to explain myself. I hope that is OK.

Then, at the exact same time, it is worship - where appearance overrides any consideration of personality. Are they boring? Mean? Evil? It just doesn't matter, because they are HOT. At that moment, the object of desire is perfect. And apparently so hot that sometimes sexuals can't stop themselves from acting on their attraction. Now I do get that the feeling of sexual attraction can be isolated from other considerations, and can be isolated at certain times but not at others, I do also know that sexuals can be aware of this.

Anyway, this was just my way of verbally summing up a major feeling that I have about sex. I am very into what is better described as a feeling of comraderie, between equals. I can't stand even the slightest hint of a power dynamic in any of my personal relationships (don't we put up with enough of that in our working lives!). And that seems to me to be all that sex is about. The power imbalance - who is controlling who - flips back and forwards countless times during a sexual encounter, but whoever is 'on top' (not necessarily literally...), that momentary power (whether having physical access to you, or driving someone mad with lust etc) is always freakishly extreme. I have a big objection to that, I hate to see people either pushed down or put up on a pedestal.

Me, I just think, I like to treat people in a friendly way, as an equal, just, you know, normally, no glazed-eyed weirdness, like I would want them to treat me.

Thank you for reading if you got this far! You're a great audience!

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santanico
I was doing a bit of late night musing the other night, and I sort of crystalised in my head a way to express one of the reasons why sex is not for me.

I always wonder why asexuals bother about finding a reason for not having sex. :) As for me, I just don't care about it.

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fangless
I was doing a bit of late night musing the other night, and I sort of crystalised in my head a way to express one of the reasons why sex is not for me.

I always wonder why asexuals bother about finding a reason for not having sex. :) As for me, I just don't care about it.

That is a good point. Close friends' sex lives are making me think about it at the minute. Maybe I should have put this in the philosophy section.

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ProdeFemme
I always wonder why asexuals bother about finding a reason for not having sex. :) As for me, I just don't care about it.

I would guess because of the social pressure? Anything outside the realm of normal is usually met with opposition and those who reside outside the realm usually have to explain themselves repeatedly. So in a nutshell, I say force of habit :lol:

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AVENCakes
By abuse, I mean (to my mind) - ridiculous, embarrassing, (emotionally) hurtful. I do realise that I am talking about what is probably the greatest possible pleasure for sexuals! I know that I only see it as 'abusive' because it seems fundamentally silly to me. And I also want to really make it clear that I understand there is a huge range of abuse and I don't want to diminish anyone's severe experiences by using the word to explain myself. I hope that is OK.

People can use sexual acts as abuse, though, so even though to sexuals it's usually something special- it can also be something traumatic and horrific to anyone. This just isn't generally the intent when it's consensual.

On an unrelated note, why'd you choose that as your username?

I would guess because of the social pressure? Anything outside the realm of normal is usually met with opposition and those who reside outside the realm usually have to explain themselves repeatedly. So in a nutshell, I say force of habit :lol:

Yeah, pretty much. "I just don't want to" won't totally be understood as easily as "I don't want ot because..." Heck, people will latch onto reasons why you don't like sex even if they aren't real reasons (I had a sexually abusive boyfriend at 14. I was pretty anti-sex before that, moreso than I am now. Oh,but no- it's the abuse that made me anti sex. :huh: )

so, yeah, just to get people off our backs- I guess.

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fangless
People can use sexual acts as abuse, though, so even though to sexuals it's usually something special - it can also be something traumatic and horrific to anyone. This just isn't generally the intent when it's consensual.

Yeah I was actually thinking that as I wrote - just as any sexual could be made uncomfortable by a loving act that is not of their own orientation.

On an unrelated note, why'd you choose that as your username?

Ha, well I'm crazy about Joss Whedon's stuff (noticed your icon) including Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I picked the username to pay tribute - except that I am the opposite of a bloodsucker - I'm a vegan. That was actually before I discovered this site and heard about asexuality. So now it is just doubly appropriate and it reminds me of that funny 'sex parallel' conversation Spike and Willow have when he tries to bite her but his new chip stops him :lol:

QUOTE (ProdeFemme @ Sep 26 2008, 05:09 PM) *

I would guess because of the social pressure? Anything outside the realm of normal is usually met with opposition and those who reside outside the realm usually have to explain themselves repeatedly. So in a nutshell, I say force of habit laugh.gif

Yeah, pretty much. "I just don't want to" won't totally be understood as easily as "I don't want ot because..."

Yeah like I said personally I've been devoting time to thinking about this topic not out of choice or interest really but because at the minute it's kind of relevant to me. This kinda whacked out asexual worldview theory is not something I say to everyone as an explanation - hence why I posted it it here.

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catfancy

I completely understand wanting to rationalize your lack of desire. I philosophize on this very topic all the time!

I understand what you're saying about abuse and worship, though. Not only do I find the mechanics unappealing, the intimacy itself is just overwhelming. I'm not a total loner, but I have a constant need to keep a distance from most people, be it physically or emotionally.

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AVENCakes
I completely understand wanting to rationalize your lack of desire. I philosophize on this very topic all the time!

I never do. It's so completely natural to me that I can't understand trying to rationalize it. It just makes sense to me. Sexuals- now there's something I spend a long time rationalizing. :/

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catfancy
I completely understand wanting to rationalize your lack of desire. I philosophize on this very topic all the time!

I never do. It's so completely natural to me that I can't understand trying to rationalize it. It just makes sense to me. Sexuals- now there's something I spend a long time rationalizing. :/

Oh, it's completely natural to me, too. I'm self-conscious about it, though, and I don't like other people knowing about it. When I philosophize, I also think a great deal about societal ideas about sex. There are a lot of things I don't do, but I don't get questioned about those. I don't have other activities thrown in my face as much.

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edgeofeverywhere

I rationalized it for years because it never occurred to me that I might be asexual and that "I just don't want to" was a valid explanation unto itself. So I have plenty of personal philosophies and reasons I don't want it that I still find somewhat valid on top of what I now understand is my natural complete lack of desire for it.

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luigifred
I was doing a bit of late night musing the other night, and I sort of crystalised in my head a way to express one of the reasons why sex is not for me.

I see sex as both abuse and worship at the same time.

Please, hear me out...

By abuse, I mean (to my mind) - ridiculous, embarrassing, (emotionally) hurtful. I do realise that I am talking about what is probably the greatest possible pleasure for sexuals! I know that I only see it as 'abusive' because it seems fundamentally silly to me. And I also want to really make it clear that I understand there is a huge range of abuse and I don't want to diminish anyone's severe experiences by using the word to explain myself. I hope that is OK.

Then, at the exact same time, it is worship - where appearance overrides any consideration of personality. Are they boring? Mean? Evil? It just doesn't matter, because they are HOT. At that moment, the object of desire is perfect. And apparently so hot that sometimes sexuals can't stop themselves from acting on their attraction. Now I do get that the feeling of sexual attraction can be isolated from other considerations, and can be isolated at certain times but not at others, I do also know that sexuals can be aware of this.

Anyway, this was just my way of verbally summing up a major feeling that I have about sex. I am very into what is better described as a feeling of comraderie, between equals. I can't stand even the slightest hint of a power dynamic in any of my personal relationships (don't we put up with enough of that in our working lives!). And that seems to me to be all that sex is about. The power imbalance - who is controlling who - flips back and forwards countless times during a sexual encounter, but whoever is 'on top' (not necessarily literally...), that momentary power (whether having physical access to you, or driving someone mad with lust etc) is always freakishly extreme. I have a big objection to that, I hate to see people either pushed down or put up on a pedestal.

I TOTALLY concur! Well said, my friend. Very well said. Thank you. On that note, have you ever pondered how non-human animals have perhaps an almost "better" sexuality? What I mean is-- like how for example some creature goes into "heat" for maybe one week out of the year, and the rest of the year sex is not an issue for them?

Me, I just think, I like to treat people in a friendly way, as an equal, just, you know, normally, no glazed-eyed weirdness, like I would want them to treat me.

Thank you for reading if you got this far! You're a great audience!

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Shrine Maiden
By abuse, I mean (to my mind) - ridiculous, embarrassing, (emotionally) hurtful. I do realise that I am talking about what is probably the greatest possible pleasure for sexuals! I know that I only see it as 'abusive' because it seems fundamentally silly to me.

That's what sex in real life means to me, though I wouldn't call it abusive. Irrational and animalistic springs to mind. I find porn so obscenely silly that I can't stop laughing at the "act". It seems to turn otherwise normal people into a drooling, huffing and puffing piece of meat.

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happylife
Anyway, this was just my way of verbally summing up a major feeling that I have about sex. I am very into what is better described as a feeling of comraderie, between equals. I can't stand even the slightest hint of a power dynamic in any of my personal relationships (don't we put up with enough of that in our working lives!). And that seems to me to be all that sex is about. The power imbalance - who is controlling who - flips back and forwards countless times during a sexual encounter, but whoever is 'on top' (not necessarily literally...), that momentary power (whether having physical access to you, or driving someone mad with lust etc) is always freakishly extreme. I have a big objection to that, I hate to see people either pushed down or put up on a pedestal.

kind of surprised to hear it. the above is what has been in my mind all along. power dynamics in sexual encounter! the imbalance can be said to be one of the reasons that I don't like engaging in the act of sex.

[edited]

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happylife
(I had a sexually abusive boyfriend at 14. I was pretty anti-sex before that, moreso than I am now. Oh,but no- it's the abuse that made me anti sex. :huh: )

at 14??!!! oh~geez I'm sorry.. :( oh.. are you over it now?

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ghosts

Um... sex for me has been very respectful, not some power game. That aspect of sex is really foreign to me. :? Although I'm sure it happens in some situations.

I cannot see sex as inherently abusive, if that's what you were getting at. I think you're using too strong a word there - the only reason you gave for calling sex abusive is because you think it's "silly"...? It's never been ridiculous, or embarrassing, or emotionally hurtful for me. If it was, why the hell would I be doing it?

As for worship aspect you mentioned, I can see that a bit more than the abuse. But seriously - while sexual attraction & desire can be really strong in a given moment, if you get to know a person & you don't like them, that's gonna fade, or the sexual attraction won't really matter. So, unless all the sexual people in my life have been lying to me about that...

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Cheerio_Koroke

:cake: for your thoughts!

Being in high school, it's something I think about a lot.

Sexuals see sex as a natural part of love and life. It's part of the cycle for them, so I doubt they see it as abuse so much as asexuals might. Being asexual, we don't want the sexual contact, so it would be hurtful to us if we recieved it. But, them being sexual, the sexual contact is just another step in a "healthy" relationship to them.

As far as the power struggles, sometimes, I think people sometimes want to feel that they are completely in control or have no control over their situation, even if it's just a subconscious feeling. Either they make the rules, or it's not their fault for breaking the rules. Being submissive can mean that it's not your fault, like...when a girl loses her virginity, if she was just submitting to the will of someone else, then it's not her fault, she shouldn't feel the guilt attached with such things in our society. Also, being in a place of great responsibility and having to be in control of everything makes some people want to let go and hand it over to someone else for a few minutes. On the other hand, it's easy to feel like the world around you is far outside of your influence, you know, "try as you might, you can't change the flow of the universe/your destiny/the past/the world/society/..." you get the point. So to be in complete control with no other thought on your mind might be relieving. I suppose it's therapeutic for some sexual people? I don't know, I'm just an overanalyzing psych student :lol:

As an asexual, I can say I've never seen sex as anything natural or anything more than a complication. I never have to worry about when the right time is, how my peers may see me for it, whose jealous rage I may invoke, who I've indirectly had sex with, or contracting some sort of horrible STD. o_o I also never have to worry about getting a sexually transmitted parasite that eats all of the nutrients out of my body, craves horrid foods, makes me sick, fatter, immobile, unable to work, moody, and broke from the hospital bills and the responsibility of continuing to feed it once it has officially left my body. Oh wait, people call those babies...

(:excl: I know, I was a baby once too, maternal instincts, yadda ya. They're great for other hosts, but I want my body (and my lover) to myself -_-. I'm selfish, but I'm honest. )

On top of that...

I don't want anyone to touch most parts of my body, let alone tear one open. I don't want someone to have been nice to me just to get in my skirt, and I don't want someone to really have interest in me but then have it be overridden by their sex drive. I hate the idea of daterape and the related drugs, and I don't want to participate in the power struggle. I don't want someone to be that close to me, and I can barely stand a needle in me as for invasiveness. I have no interest in losing my mind to my body, and the one time I did get "turned on" I felt very, very lightheaded. The whole thing is just not within my range of interests, no matter what the context. I don't think I should have to be physically and emotionally uncomfortable to express my love, and sex would fall under that category for me. Most sexuals find it pleasurable and intimate, I suppose the same way that I find deep conversations and long hugs pleasurable and intimate. So I have conversations and they have sex :lol: A lot of people don't put them on the same level, which is I think why a lot of sexuals don't understand asexuality and visa versa, but to each their own. :D

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JustJudy
Then, at the exact same time, it is worship - where appearance overrides any consideration of personality. Are they boring? Mean? Evil? It just doesn't matter, because they are HOT. At that moment, the object of desire is perfect. And apparently so hot that sometimes sexuals can't stop themselves from acting on their attraction. Now I do get that the feeling of sexual attraction can be isolated from other considerations, and can be isolated at certain times but not at others, I do also know that sexuals can be aware of this.

I never really thought about this but I am pleased that you posted because the whole worship thing was how I often felt and I did NOT like it, I totally could not respect a man once we had sex; I did not want to be worshiped especially not for physical reasons and sex was boring and disgusting so I could never understand how someone could think of sex as an expression of love.

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Gatto

Okay, here's how I look at it...

I think beating someone up is disrespectful. While I might like to imagine beating up certain particularly loathsome people, it's not something I would actually do in real life. More importantly, it's not something I would do to a friend.

But wait a minute... some people like being beaten up, what about them? Well, that's their business, and I will try not to judge them harshly. However, if someone asked me to oblige them in providing a beating, I would not feel comfortable with it. Not only that; suppose I'm a masochist, and I want a beating. I would not feel comfortable asking that of anyone, and especially not a friend or lover.

That is, in essence, how I feel about sex. I think it's disrespectful. I understand that others have different opinions, and that's their business, but I feel how I feel.

If a partner were to say to me: "Hey honey, how about you smack me around a bit and call me a dirty whore." I would be particularly turned off. But the thing is, I feel almost as bad about sex in general; however gentle and sweet and innocent or whatever, it still makes me feel really bad, because I can't help but think of it as disrespectful, and even abusive. I don't know; it may be possible that one day I might be more positive about sex and not find it so traumatic, but I really don't expect that to happen, and I have no idea how on earth I would ever change in that feeling.

To me, sex (especially between men and women) reminds me of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf". A couple spend the entire film swearing, humiliating and verbally abusing each other. You wonder why on earth they are together. By the end, you realize that this sort of relationship may be satisfactory for them, and maybe it was just a game. Maybe they don't really hate each other. Nonetheless, the behavior is disturbing.

Well, if sex is just a game, it's really not a game I wish to play. And if it's good clean fun for anyone else, that's fine. I'll just try not to think about it too much.

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AVENCakes
(I had a sexually abusive boyfriend at 14. I was pretty anti-sex before that, moreso than I am now. Oh,but no- it's the abuse that made me anti sex. :huh: )

at 14??!!! oh~geez I'm sorry.. :( oh.. are you over it now?

More or less. Accepted that not all guys are like that, and that if I was in the same situation I wouldnt' let it happen so I've learned, all that stuff. It still sucks when I remember what happened and wish it hadn't, and I'd probably kick him in the boy parts so hard he'd be rendered impotent if I ever saw the bastard again... but I think I'm mostly over it.

The bigger problem was everyone made it seem like I was a bad person for not wanting to do it! >_< I haven't quite forgiven sexuals for that... :/

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fangless

Thanks to everyone for your replies. :)

Um... sex for me has been very respectful, not some power game. That aspect of sex is really foreign to me. :? Although I'm sure it happens in some situations.

I cannot see sex as inherently abusive, if that's what you were getting at. I think you're using too strong a word there - the only reason you gave for calling sex abusive is because you think it's "silly"...? It's never been ridiculous, or embarrassing, or emotionally hurtful for me. If it was, why the hell would I be doing it?

As for worship aspect you mentioned, I can see that a bit more than the abuse. But seriously - while sexual attraction & desire can be really strong in a given moment, if you get to know a person & you don't like them, that's gonna fade, or the sexual attraction won't really matter. So, unless all the sexual people in my life have been lying to me about that...

Hi ghosts

I don't think that sex is inherently abusive, but I can see why you would think that from my choice of the word. I wish I had a better term to describe what I'm getting at. I'm glad you've never found it ridiculous or embarrassing. And yes, it doesn't have to be emotionally hurtful at all, but it often is, for sexuals, though that I think is a cultural thing and perhaps not inherent to sex either.

Me personally, I don't find sex fun. Sexuals do. Now about the only type of sex that I could possibly imagine not having this seeming 'abusive' (to my perception/way of thinking only!) aspect to it would be the most vanilla, sedate, hilariously olden-days type 'making love' that you could imagine, and only in the missionary position with covers fully up. I imagine, though of course I could be wrong, that many sexuals would find only ever having sex that way really boring. And I could understand why. It sounds extremely cheesy and polite and slightly sick-making.

I'm not saying that all sex involves whipping or slapping or calling someone a whore. All I mean is that almost any kind of nice happy consensual sex appears to me like a bad way to treat someone. If you really like someone, why would you want to pull their arse cheeks apart?????!!!!? Or hoist their feet up in the air and then proceed to make them jiggle about??????!!!??? I get that sexuals like it, this is just my take.

That's the one thing, then the whole worshipping thing at the same time makes it doubly not my bag.

I also think the poster who mentioned power games is right. I agree that some people actively seek to feel either dominant or submissive, based on their daily life experience - this ties in with sexuality but also goes far beyond it. I am the very opposite so I probably notice that more than other people in sexual/romantic relationships. I should really chill out about it as I know I'm in a minority but it was nice to come here and unload some funny thoughts that I've been having to a group of people who are starting from a point of having asexuality in common with me. :) Thanks for reading.

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cijay
I was doing a bit of late night musing the other night, and I sort of crystalised in my head a way to express one of the reasons why sex is not for me.

I always wonder why asexuals bother about finding a reason for not having sex. :) As for me, I just don't care about it.

I say the same thing but then there's a vast difference between just being asexual and being an asexual who doesn't like sex. It's like, we're both asexual but they have an 'extra ingredient' to their mixture...or I'm missing one ingredient, one or the other.

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Guest disjointed

I don't try and evaluate or try to explain why I am Asexual in my everyday life I just know it's right for me and I am comfortable within that.

That Said I am 44 so have had a lot of time to get to this comfortable place so I do understand others who are still looking

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happylife
Accepted that not all guys are like that, and that if I was in the same situation I wouldnt' let it happen so I've learned, all that stuff. It still sucks when I remember what happened and wish it hadn't, and I'd probably kick him in the boy parts so hard he'd be rendered impotent if I ever saw the bastard again... but I think I'm mostly over it.

It's good to hear that you're mostly over it.

Yeah you are right. Not all guys are like that.

Some are bad. Some are nice.

"I'd probably kick him in the boy parts so hard he'd be rendered impotent"

Have you done that in your mind(not in the real world, of course)?

Not just "do". Very "actively" do. Hating him real hard & actively.

I attended some kind of anger management sessions a few years ago. I was asked to visualize my anger during a session. Visualized it and drew it, putting drawings with notes/comments in my journal. You can do it too sometime if you're interested. :rolleyes: Maybe it could sound somewhat old-fashioned.. but I think it helped.

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Amcan
I was doing a bit of late night musing the other night, and I sort of crystalised in my head a way to express one of the reasons why sex is not for me.

I always wonder why asexuals bother about finding a reason for not having sex. :) As for me, I just don't care about it.

I like to prod and analyse why.

If the situation came up how would I react? Kind fo thing.

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