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Coping with despair


UltraViolet

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I dont get some of you people :unsure: .... why do u need a close a friend with a penis for ? :lol:

Looking for a father figure?

Miss your dad ? or he didnt give u enough affection ?

Or maybe God almighty has one of those....?!!!

Try and focus what it is u realllly want........ :wacko:

Oh lookie - it's jimbo the clueless troll sticking his itty bitty er.....nevermind..... into the mix. LOL.

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I think Heli's suave way of saying doors is a dick nearly went over my head... but I got there in the end

I know internet trolls exist I just didn't think they did in here... o well, I should have guessed when he signed in anonomously

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I know that many asexuals here are completely content with their lives as singles (and I envy you). However, many asexuals are hopeless romantics and life without a significant other is as painful for us as it is to be a sexual deprived of sex. At the very least a sexual *can* take care of their needs on their own but what is the loveless asexual to do - live a life of fantasies only? While my life is satisfying in many ways and I do enjoy living alone the constant nagging pain of not having a mutual love in my life is slowly killing me. I wish I could "make due" without love but I ... can't. I literally do not know how I will survive the rest of my life without the love I need. I can keep busy and have friends but still - it is not enough. Does anyone have suggestions, helpul hints, even ways to kill off the need for love?

I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom for you. It sounds like u r hurting. I used to feel just like you do, until about my early 30's. Happily, the desire for companionship and romantic love is now completely absent from me. The life experiences with "love" that I personally have had have all ended up being heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, horrifying experiences. The person who said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," must have been smoking crack, because I could NOT disagree with them more vehemently. I lost more than I ever gained, and I have been injured more than I have learned. Unconditional love, if ever, rarely exists. I think the emotions that my two dogs feel for me is as close to unconditional love as I will ever come. I am completely happy in my un-romantically relationshipless current life. My pets and my work fulfill me. I don't know what else to say to you, but imagine that I am giving you a strong hug right now through the computer. I believe in you. You are fabulous on your own, and someone would be LUCKY to have you at their side. My head is on your right shoulder... the embrace is over, and now you are fortified to go out as a strong, confident person.

luigifred

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I know that many asexuals here are completely content with their lives as singles (and I envy you). However, many asexuals are hopeless romantics and life without a significant other is as painful for us as it is to be a sexual deprived of sex. At the very least a sexual *can* take care of their needs on their own but what is the loveless asexual to do - live a life of fantasies only? While my life is satisfying in many ways and I do enjoy living alone the constant nagging pain of not having a mutual love in my life is slowly killing me. I wish I could "make due" without love but I ... can't. I literally do not know how I will survive the rest of my life without the love I need. I can keep busy and have friends but still - it is not enough. Does anyone have suggestions, helpul hints, even ways to kill off the need for love?

I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom for you. It sounds like u r hurting. I used to feel just like you do, until about my early 30's. Happily, the desire for companionship and romantic love is now completely absent from me. The life experiences with "love" that I personally have had have all ended up being heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, horrifying experiences. The person who said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," must have been smoking crack, because I could NOT disagree with them more vehemently. I lost more than I ever gained, and I have been injured more than I have learned. Unconditional love, if ever, rarely exists. I think the emotions that my two dogs feel for me is as close to unconditional love as I will ever come. I am completely happy in my un-romantically relationshipless current life. My pets and my work fulfill me. I don't know what else to say to you, but imagine that I am giving you a strong hug right now through the computer. I believe in you. You are fabulous on your own, and someone would be LUCKY to have you at their side. My head is on your right shoulder... the embrace is over, and now you are fortified to go out as a strong, confident person.

luigifred

:D That was a great virtual hug - thanks! It's great that you can be ok alone tho I am sorry to hear about your bad experinces with love. Mine have ranged from very sad (tho not really bad) to pretty decent actually - except for the expected sex as well as other issues that can cause breakups. It's just that I am still searching for that elusive ONE - *sigh* - and while I am fine most of the time every now and then I "hit the wall" for a few days but I usually bounce back pretty fast. Too bad this time I was in front of my keyboard so I ended up posting - tho maybe not so bad in retrospect - I have to say that I feel a lot more comfort from my fellow Avenites than from a lot of other people so maybe it was good I posted during my depressive state. Thank God I have my cat also - I know what you mean about unconditional love from animals - the love I get from my cat sometimes borders on the spiritual - he is that great! Anyway, thanks for the support!

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Doorman:

One thing we can agree on is that Jim Morrison (which you show as your photo) and the Doors were one awesomely great group. So sad that Morrison died so young (27?), but he was perhaps already washed up because of drug/alcohol madness.

I hope you are more like the early, creative Morrison, and not the brain-poisoned by booze Morrison.

Nothing wrong with being a sockpuppet, but if you are intentionally trying to provoke a cake fight here you may be disappointed.

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With the amount of blood I've wiped off my lip I could start my own blood bank but the only time I will be completely down is when I'm dead. Too bad life can't be more than just a constant fight tho.

I am sorry about your loneliness, I feel similar. I am not sure if I am really asexual or more sex phobic, but I do know I always wanted romance and closeness much more than actual sex. And I have not been very successful in finding it either so far, and don't want to just give up

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Don't give up on finding someone to love and be loved by without having to compromise yourself. I am an asexual married to a sexual and we have recently, following my finding this place, sorted out matters between us so nobody ends up feeling unloved and nobody ends up feeling required to do things that upset them or make them uncomfortable. We've had our difficult times over the many years we've been married but now we feel really close and able to be more honest and ourselves with one another than ever before. These differences between us have proved not to be make or break, because we love one another for who we are. I am sure we cannot be the only couple to make this work. There's someone out there somewhere for you who will not care if you are asexual, as long as you can express love for them in some way.

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Someone to share something with and be part of their life will always be something ill look for and I suppose what many people look for when the time is right, for me ive just started telling everyone my un sexual preference in life and will hopefully find someone who wants me. For now im happy doing what im doing, living my life for today and dont want time to think about despair and lonliness as thats not what i want in my life.

I understand what you mean when you talk about despair, but maybe the negative thinking and persona makes it hard to find someone. Can an asexual person not find love with a 'sexual' person, after all who determines who loves who, its the person you want and no-one is perfect.

Im no expert and cant express myself on internet sites but I hope what im saying is happy and meaningful

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I understand what you mean when you talk about despair, but maybe the negative thinking and persona makes it hard to find someone.

Didn't realize I was being "negative" - just realistic about the challenges of finding an asexual partner. I definitely do not have a negative persona - I am very positive about most things. It's just that every now and then I "hit the wall" (as I said a few posts up) and get into a temporary depressive state. This last one only lasted a few hours - just long enough to post about it on AVEN - lol.

Can an asexual person not find love with a 'sexual' person, after all who determines who loves who, its the person you want and no-one is perfect.

A few can - very few - but for me - no way in hell/never again - unless they have a libido so low that giving up sex is a non-issue. As I have seen in every case - unless you give the sexual at least some sex they will be long gone anyway so why even start especially now that I KNOW I am asexual. Try telling a sexual "hey, no one is perfect" and see how many weeks or days (!) that can buy you for getting out of having to have sex - lol. You can be "not perfect" in many ways and most people can work around those - but not when it comes to sex. Somehow that is always the dealbreaker. I could never compromise on sex long term - hell, I never even liked it short term.

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Some things I've heard people say that I liked:

Jim Carrey said that if the universe can make amazing things including the duck-billed platapus, then surely it can bring two people together. (I don't remember his words exactly, but it was like that)

Also, that you only have zero chance of getting what you want when you give up. (I think that was his wife/current girlfriend? Ah, I don't keep up with these things, but I heard them talking on Operah, lol)

I also agree that it's awful to have a cold heart. Then you can't feel the world. If I couldn't feel the world, I wouldn't be able to feel my art anymore. When your heart hurts, the happy times become 100xs greater. I don't know if I'm helping at all, but that's how I feel on the situation ^^; I too hope that you (and all of us) will find someone.

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I feel Asexual or not as you get older the urges to be with a partner seem to get stronger tinted with a heavy dose of realism on our situations. I don't find that negative I find it more realist.

I am Asexual how are you and do you fancy a life long partnership without sex is never going to be a chat up line to be passed on and recieve massive takeup.

As for hitting a mommentary brick wall of dispair I understand that too I am generally upbeat and have had momments of woe is me but hey don't most people?

In the words of the great forest gump... life is a box of chocolates

In the words of the not so great me... one day I will stop getting the coffee ones :rolleyes:

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I feel Asexual or not as you get older the urges to be with a partner seem to get stronger tinted with a heavy dose of realism on our situations. I don't find that negative I find it more realist.

I am Asexual how are you and do you fancy a life long partnership without sex is never going to be a chat up line to be passed on and recieve massive takeup.

Hell, even if you start out by telling them that you simply do not have a very high sex drive (thus working your way to finally admitting that you actually have no drive) sexuals will just run.

As for hitting a mommentary brick wall of dispair I understand that too I am generally upbeat and have had momments of woe is me but hey don't most people?

In the words of the great forest gump... life is a box of chocolates

In the words of the not so great me... one day I will stop getting the coffee ones :rolleyes:

Or those waxy-tasting dark chocolate ones with the hard rubber center that is/was supposed to be some kind of fruit. ::yeech::

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Geeze ... I go out to work in the yard instead of on the computer for ONE weekend and I come back to find inappropriate comments and accusations of trolling in the OLDER asexual's forum? Good grief. I expected better of you people. *sigh*

Okay ...

Doorman, as an adult you should know how to express yourself more tactfully by now, and you should realize why it is important to do so, even if you can only process the reason intellectually and cant truly identify with it. I think you owe many of the other posters in this thread an apology but that's all I'm going to say to you at this time.

Heligan, it is relatively easy to go to a person's profile and call up a list of all of their posts, especially when they only have a few dozen total. Had you done so you might have found where Doorman has previously made references to identifying strongly with those having schizoid personality disorder. He has made enough posts to begin to establish himself as a member of AVEN, and as such he is definitely NOT a troll. Your accusation was uncalled for, and your personal insults to another board member were nasty enough to earn you a warning, especially if Doorman were to complain about it.

He hasn't, yet, but nonetheless, you owe HIM an apology as well.

Play nice, everybody. Don't make me get out that ol' ugly stick!

I now return this thread to its previous topic.

-Greybird, mod.

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GBRD143

Good evening, I must admit the troll reference was mine and not Heligans and it was my interpretation that saw doorman being called a d**k

if that offended anyone in the room then I humbly apologoise

However if Doorman realises he offends people then perhaps him typing comments that can only been seen as offensive should come to end until he can stop alienating others within the forum and then saying it's not my fault it's the other me.

Personaly I would like all members to be involved but like any community we have to be aware that some are unaceptable and need to be curtailed.

I have apologised, I hope Doorman can be big enough to accept the wrong words he wrote and will apologise also

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Geeze ... I go out to work in the yard instead of on the computer for ONE weekend and I come back to find inappropriate comments and accusations of trolling in the OLDER asexual's forum? Good grief. I expected better of you people. *sigh*

Okay ...

Doorman, as an adult you should know how to express yourself more tactfully by now, and you should realize why it is important to do so, even if you can only process the reason intellectually and cant truly identify with it. I think you owe many of the other posters in this thread an apology but that's all I'm going to say to you at this time.

Heligan, it is relatively easy to go to a person's profile and call up a list of all of their posts, especially when they only have a few dozen total. Had you done so you might have found where Doorman has previously made references to identifying strongly with those having schizoid personality disorder. He has made enough posts to begin to establish himself as a member of AVEN, and as such he is definitely NOT a troll. Your accusation was uncalled for, and your personal insults to another board member were nasty enough to earn you a warning, especially if Doorman were to complain about it.

He hasn't, yet, but nonetheless, you owe HIM an apology as well.

Play nice, everybody. Don't make me get out that ol' ugly stick!

I now return this thread to its previous topic.

-Greybird, mod.

Hi

I did look at the profile, and I dont feel that Doorman having a schiziod personality disorder is sufficent excuse for him to be allowed to talk to people who are pouring out their souls, in the demeaning way that he did. His comments came out of nowhere and were quite hate tainted. I will not apologise for what I said to him, -warn away if you will.

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Thanks, disjointed. I appreciate the level of personal responsibility and maturity that you are displaying by apologizing even though I didn't specifically single you out.

I didn't really see any problem with the way that you brought up the "t" word since you originally phrased it as a speculative question.

For some reason I was combining you and Heligan in my mind, though, and I'm sorry if that confused things.

(By the way, it isn't possible to sign in to these forums anonymously. Sock puppets are *theoretically* possible, of course, but there are a LOT of ways for the admods to catch them - hence they are a very bad idea.)

Mostly I'm just disappointed that this sort of thing is still happening when all of the people involved should be LONG past the "But So and So STARTED it!" phase.

I realize that AVENites of all ages are perfectly welcome to post in this forum and that sometimes they do, but that wasn't the case this time.

-GB

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Melon,

I think some people on this earth wasn't meant to have someone and i'm one of them. I don't have offline friends so my opinion about people is very negative.

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I am mainly writing this to female members, but you menfolk can read it too if you wish.

I have some definite opinions about the issue of growing old alone but I have hesitated to state them because I have sometimes been perceived as being completely unsympathetic to women when I express myself openly on this topic. That isn't the case at all, or at least I don't THINK it's the case. After all, I'm female too, and I'm pretty darned sympathetic to mySELF!.

About 25 years ago when I first started facing that possible lonely future for myself I decided that it was up to me to change myself and to become the kind of person that a man would WANT to be with, even without sex. It took several years, but I think the struggle was worth it.

I began by re-evaluating many of the things that I had come to believe about men. Much as I hate to admit it, I did it by reading about a dozen or so self-help books on the topic of male/female relationships and what the different sexes are looking for, etc. I had to wade through a lot of manure to find them but there were a few gold nuggets of wisdom buried amongst all of those pages.

I had to learn to live with the understanding that a fairly large percentage of men (not all by any means, but quite a few) don't WANT a long-term commitment with just one woman, and that an even larger group don't WANT the kind of emotional closeness that the majority of women cherish. It can make many men very uncomfortable. There is, of course, no such thing as "one size fits all" when you are dealing with human beings, but mainly what I had to learn was to stop projecting my OWN wants and needs onto the various men that I met.

Men have somewhat different relationship wants and needs than women. They are equally valid in every way - just different.

It's never too late to learn. All of the books that I read are still out there and I have no doubt that dozens or hundreds more have been written since then. They are all just variations on a theme, so the exact ones that you choose don't really matter. Just make sure that you read several by different authors in order to get a balanced perspective.

Many of the men that I have met have been very hesitant about being friends with a woman, and the sad thing is that I can't honestly blame them. They feel like they have been burned for doing so in the past, but, being men, they have no idea why, and what is even worse (from a woman's perspective) is that they don't particularly care why. It didn't work, so they won't try it again.

Men are just as guilty of projecting their own wants and needs onto women as women are of doing it to men. It's a human failing, not a sexist one.

If you want to be one of those rare women who genuinely like men AS men and not only to whatever degree they can manage to embrace their feminine side, the info that you need to learn to do so is out there. The thing that makes it all worth it is that men really DO appreciate being accepted and understood on their own terms, and they have often given up on meeting any women who know how to do that. Those few women who DO make the effort can really stand out from the crowd.

I hope this makes sense on some level. I'm pretty sleepy, so I can only HOPE I'm not rambling incoherently ...

-GB

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Gb Many thanks for your door man input

I certainly did apologise to the room and to members other than doorman if I offended them in any way and you have my assurance that I will not be so blunt again.

However I am with Heligan in that doorman knows full well what he was about to put in to text and knew full well that there would be a unhappy reaction from quite a few members.

That said I do want to move on from it rather than dwell on it.

I saw the annonomous members at the bottom and I also think I recalled an option to sign in anonomously? Even though having used other forums I know even that can be seen by the mods.

I saw your input GB on women seeking men and something that didn't stand out for me until your post is that far to often people think because we are not looking for a sexual partner then it doesn't matter what they look or are like on a plain of comparison. Myself I still want the matches and needs from a partner even though sex is not involved I want a like mind, intelligent compassionate blah blah lol.

I think most of the books you may have read tend to be a sexual reference showing men as a hunter gather in that he shows off to attract his mate then gets bored when he's got her and this is true for many sexual men however I feel it is not the generalisation for Asexual men.

I believe Asexual men value that life long partner knowing how much it takes to keep a relationship going without sex.

I do agree that women in general certianly sexual women seem to have taken the mantle of the activists of the 60's and proclaimed we don't need men to the enth degree and have basically had it backfire. many break ups and lack of security for a man in a relationship with the woman quite often using "I don't need a man in my life" has left a generation of men thinking there is genuinely no point in a relationship if they can be asked to leave at any point.

I certianly feel in the past men have been projecting thier basic needs however go out into the streets on a saturday night and the biggest group most likely to be drunk to the point of collapse, flaunting naked bits and fighting tend to be now ....women, unfortuneatly

Certianly as an Asexual man I am comfortable with no sex and I do have a softer side but I am finding more than ever that the world is becoming more than full of "geeza birds" and less and less with ladies.

The simple fact is that for most if a man appears to be a gentleman then even within Asexual society he may be viewed as suspect or in the sexual world as homosexual or wierd.

I miss the defined sexuality where women could be viewed as things of beauty and men would be gentleman.

Add that to being Asexual as well and trust me when I say Asexual men looking for an Asexual lady is a nightmare that no book could cure

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I am mainly writing this to female members, but you menfolk can read it too if you wish.

I have some definite opinions about the issue of growing old alone but I have hesitated to state them because I have sometimes been perceived as being completely unsympathetic to women when I express myself openly on this topic. That isn't the case at all, or at least I don't THINK it's the case. After all, I'm female too, and I'm pretty darned sympathetic to mySELF!.

About 25 years ago when I first started facing that possible lonely future for myself I decided that it was up to me to change myself and to become the kind of person that a man would WANT to be with, even without sex. It took several years, but I think the struggle was worth it.

I began by re-evaluating many of the things that I had come to believe about men. Much as I hate to admit it, I did it by reading about a dozen or so self-help books on the topic of male/female relationships and what the different sexes are looking for, etc. I had to wade through a lot of manure to find them but there were a few gold nuggets of wisdom buried amongst all of those pages.

I had to learn to live with the understanding that a fairly large percentage of men (not all by any means, but quite a few) don't WANT a long-term commitment with just one woman, and that an even larger group don't WANT the kind of emotional closeness that the majority of women cherish. It can make many men very uncomfortable. There is, of course, no such thing as "one size fits all" when you are dealing with human beings, but mainly what I had to learn was to stop projecting my OWN wants and needs onto the various men that I met.

Men have somewhat different relationship wants and needs than women. They are equally valid in every way - just different.

It's never too late to learn. All of the books that I read are still out there and I have no doubt that dozens or hundreds more have been written since then. They are all just variations on a theme, so the exact ones that you choose don't really matter. Just make sure that you read several by different authors in order to get a balanced perspective.

Many of the men that I have met have been very hesitant about being friends with a woman, and the sad thing is that I can't honestly blame them. They feel like they have been burned for doing so in the past, but, being men, they have no idea why, and what is even worse (from a woman's perspective) is that they don't particularly care why. It didn't work, so they won't try it again.

Men are just as guilty of projecting their own wants and needs onto women as women are of doing it to men. It's a human failing, not a sexist one.

If you want to be one of those rare women who genuinely like men AS men and not only to whatever degree they can manage to embrace their feminine side, the info that you need to learn to do so is out there. The thing that makes it all worth it is that men really DO appreciate being accepted and understood on their own terms, and they have often given up on meeting any women who know how to do that. Those few women who DO make the effort can really stand out from the crowd.

I hope this makes sense on some level. I'm pretty sleepy, so I can only HOPE I'm not rambling incoherently ...

-GB

Actually, you make a lot of sense and I can completely relate because I have done what you did as well. I have also read many self help books - from the sappy to the actually intelligent to add to my knowledge about what various types of men want. Fortunately, I am one of those women who actually does accept men for who they are. I learned long ago - ya can't change 'em - either you like what you see AS IS or move on. I must say that I genuinely like men - as people - not just as prospective mates and I appreciate all of their differences. Actually, the more men you know the easier it is to see which one could work as a mate and which ones would remain just friends. Thanks for the post.

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Mostly I'm just disappointed that this sort of thing is still happening when all of the people involved should be LONG past the "But So and So STARTED it!" phase.

I realize that AVENites of all ages are perfectly welcome to post in this forum and that sometimes they do, but that wasn't the case this time.

-GB

Unfortunately when someone comes across as a nasty "troll" the initial gut-response to hit back and defend the group is triggered and sometimes, no matter what the age, people do defend themselves. Since this is an internet board and not someone in-your-face-in-real-life confrontation I am, personally, reminded that it would be easier to offer a simple rebuke without getting dragged down to the "trolls" level or, simply ignore him and let him hang himself with his own comments. In fact, by ingoring him he will either post more (thus hanging himself even faster) or he will give up and go away sooner. I want to thank Doorman for reminding me of better ways to deal with unstable and nasty posters.

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Londoner2007
Melon,

I think some people on this earth wasn't meant to have someone and i'm one of them. I don't have offline friends so my opinion about people is very negative.

I refuse to give up hope that one day I will find someone that wants to spend their life with me and is happy to accept me for who I am and that I am asexual. I strongly believe it is possible to love and have a successful relationship without sex.

I have to stay positive and remain focused there is no other option.

I find it totally soul destroying pouring over ads on various sites , having a well written profile on there of my own and yet getting no serious takers. Unless you count those that want a quick way into the Uk and want your email address and bank account details before you even start a conversation.

I have plenty of friends or perhaps I should refer to them as aquaintances as what I don't have at all is anyone I can phone to meet for a coffee or suggest that we spend some time together just so I am not the odd one out in everything.

Or maybe I really am kidding myself and it's never going to happen?

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Melon,

I think some people on this earth wasn't meant to have someone and i'm one of them. I don't have offline friends so my opinion about people is very negative.

I refuse to give up hope that one day I will find someone that wants to spend their life with me and is happy to accept me for who I am and that I am asexual. I strongly believe it is possible to love and have a successful relationship without sex.

I have to stay positive and remain focused there is no other option.

I find it totally soul destroying pouring over ads on various sites , having a well written profile on there of my own and yet getting no serious takers. Unless you count those that want a quick way into the Uk and want your email address and bank account details before you even start a conversation.

I have plenty of friends or perhaps I should refer to them as aquaintances as what I don't have at all is anyone I can phone to meet for a coffee or suggest that we spend some time together just so I am not the odd one out in everything.

Or maybe I really am kidding myself and it's never going to happen?

if you don't have true friends or aquaintances in your life( i'm not counting family), An asexual person is going to have one lonely life.

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