Coping with despair

[UltraViolet]

I know that many asexuals here are completely content with their lives as singles (and I envy you). However, many asexuals are hopeless romantics and life without a significant other is as painful for us as it is to be a sexual deprived of sex. At the very least a sexual *can* take care of their needs on their own but what is the loveless asexual to do - live a life of fantasies only? While my life is satisfying in many ways and I do enjoy living alone the constant nagging pain of not having a mutual love in my life is slowly killing me. I wish I could "make due" without love but I ... can't. I literally do not know how I will survive the rest of my life without the love I need. I can keep busy and have friends but still - it is not enough. Does anyone have suggestions, helpul hints, even ways to kill off the need for love?

[Sally]

Sexuals don't easily find romance/love either. Although they can take care of their physical needs (so can asexuals), that doesn't mean romance. Asexuals have a degree of statistical difficulty in finding a significant other, but people do make lives for themselves without one. I know that isn't much comfort. But you will survive and even enjoy some parts of your life.

[chatterbox]

I am with you all the way. I just know somewhere..there is someone who wants to hold hands....walk arm in arm.....just do all the things other couples do..........except without the sex. Let's keep are hearts & eyes open & I will throw in a prayer for good measure! LOL

Cherie

A truly happy person is one who

can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/secondseaso...ssages/?msg=3.1

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I know that many asexuals here are completely content with their lives as singles (and I envy you). However, many asexuals are hopeless romantics and life without a significant other is as painful for us as it is to be a sexual deprived of sex. At the very least a sexual *can* take care of their needs on their own but what is the loveless asexual to do - live a life of fantasies only? While my life is satisfying in many ways and I do enjoy living alone the constant nagging pain of not having a mutual love in my life is slowly killing me. I wish I could "make due" without love but I ... can't. I literally do not know how I will survive the rest of my life without the love I need. I can keep busy and have friends but still - it is not enough. Does anyone have suggestions, helpul hints, even ways to kill off the need for love?

[Ziffler]

UltraViolet

I am sorry for commenting to your post.

I'll remember to never do it again.

Wish you all the best.

[SorryNotSorry]

I know that many asexuals here are completely content with their lives as singles (and I envy you). However, many asexuals are hopeless romantics and life without a significant other is as painful for us as it is to be a sexual deprived of sex. At the very least a sexual *can* take care of their needs on their own but what is the loveless asexual to do - live a life of fantasies only? While my life is satisfying in many ways and I do enjoy living alone the constant nagging pain of not having a mutual love in my life is slowly killing me. I wish I could "make due" without love but I ... can't. I literally do not know how I will survive the rest of my life without the love I need. I can keep busy and have friends but still - it is not enough. Does anyone have suggestions, helpul hints, even ways to kill off the need for love?

First off, you need to be a little more careful about expressing such sentiments, even on this board, because there are a few other posters who are just plain mean-spirited and will go out of their way to hurt you when you're this emotionally vulnerable, and drive you to suicide if they can.

I'm currently clawing my way out of the situation you're in. It's frustrating to hear other people say, "oh, just wait, the love of your life will use their ESP to find you". No, the only way to do it is to turn those feelings of despair into something proactive. I've been doing this by trying to start a singles club, and the big hurdle I've been running into is that a lot of people have become cynical and stopped trying, long before they found one of my ads.

There just comes a time when you need to wipe the blood off your lip and get up to throw a few more punches. Because if you're down for the count, it's game over.

[newgirl]

UltraViolet ,

We're in the same boat and i have no answer for you.

[potentialsurvivor]

I would never suggest killing off the need for love, even if I knew how to do it.

UltraViolet, newgirl and anyone else feeling a bit on the lonely side... I guarantee you that you don't have to be alone... you just have to be willing to look, and be persistent, and perhaps go down roads you hadn't considered before. I realize this is being posted in the older asexuals board, and thus far I haven't had much luck convincing the older-than-me crowd that online romantic pursuits are worth considering, but I'll do it again... *looks around* Online romantic pursuits are worth considering! Make solid friendships online and see where they lead, those friends could become a great future partner if you keep an open mind, a cool head and an inviting heart. You're all great people, so being alone isn't necessarily your destiny unless you make it that way through passiveness.

Have some regardless!

[newgirl]

I would never suggest killing off the need for love, even if I knew how to do it.

UltraViolet, newgirl and anyone else feeling a bit on the lonely side... I guarantee you that you don't have to be alone... you just have to be willing to look, and be persistent, and perhaps go down roads you hadn't considered before. I realize this is being posted in the older asexuals board, and thus far I haven't had much luck convincing the older-than-me crowd that online romantic pursuits are worth considering, but I'll do it again... *looks around* Online romantic pursuits are worth considering! Make solid friendships online and see where they lead, those friends could become a great future partner if you keep an open mind, a cool head and an inviting heart. You're all great people, so being alone isn't necessarily your destiny unless you make it that way through passiveness.

Have some regardless!

I've given up on men period and i finally had to realize, i wasn't meant to experience 'dating" and having a boyfriend/husband.

[SorryNotSorry]

I've given up on men period and i finally had to realize, i wasn't meant to experience 'dating" and having a boyfriend/husband.

I once felt that way, until I realized that giving up is a cop-out. If I gave up on trying to find a gf/wife, I'd be 6 feet in the ground.

[UltraViolet]

Asexuals have a degree of statistical difficulty in finding a significant other, but people do make lives for themselves without one.

I have a life albeit one that is deviod of any significant and fulfilling love. Friends help but.....they cannot ever fill that romantic love void (nor were they meant to - friendship can only take you so far but for the comfort they can provide I am glad they are there).

But you will survive and even enjoy some parts of your life.

Life should be more than just mere survival. I do manage to enjoy parts of my life but that's the whole point - it is only parts - not a comforting whole.

[UltraViolet]

I am with you all the way. I just know somewhere..there is someone who wants to hold hands....walk arm in arm.....just do all the things other couples do..........except without the sex. Let's keep are hearts & eyes open & I will throw in a prayer for good measure! LOL

Cherie

A truly happy person is one who

can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

:) Thanks for the prayer - I need all the help I can get.

PS - I actually do enjoy the scenery on detours - am I secretly happy? If I am it's a well kept secret. LOL. Hmmm.

[Shaggy]

I would never suggest killing off the need for love, even if I knew how to do it.

... you just have to be willing to look, and be persistent, and perhaps go down roads you hadn't considered before. Make solid friendships online and see where they lead, those friends could become a great future partner if you keep an open mind, a cool head and an inviting heart. You're all great people, so being alone isn't necessarily your destiny unless you make it that way through passiveness.

Three weeks ago, I knew there were no asexual women on this planet!

My attitude was not one of despair, but of sad acceptance.

Then ... AVEN ... ?!!??!! ... and ... well ... bugger me ... (figuratively ).

A glimmer of hope?

Irrespective of whether you (my online friends) "could become a great future partner" i am hugely encouraged.

Your stories, your insights, your expressions of pain and hope have, on many occasions. brought tears of both angst and joy.

I've even been emboldened to flirt a little :redface: , something i've 'known' leads to awkwardness (and worse) IRL.

I'm growing to the opinion that the things i know are worth diddly squat; it's the things i learn that will be important.

I realize this is being posted in the older asexuals board, and thus far I haven't had much luck convincing the older-than-me crowd that online romantic pursuits are worth considering, but I'll do it again... *looks around* Online romantic pursuits are worth considering!

Have some regardless!

LOL. My mind is opened, my heart is softened, i throw my arms wide to embrace the universe.

In the meantime, I'm happy to take the !

Thanks potentialsurvivor, I'm reminded of an old saying ...

"sometimes, i get this almost irresistible urge to go on living."

:lol:

Best wishes and rotsa ruck to us all. :D

[UltraViolet]

How do I answer this without being "doom and gloom"?

Ummm - don't answer - lol.

You will survive, either way. Your heart might get a little hard and cold but you will survive.

I want more than mere survival tho and the last thing I need is a hard and cold heart - that's even more painful in some ways than a soft and warm one.

I think? That today, you have a much better chance of finding someone than those of us of my generation. With the openess of AVEN and the knowledge that asexuals do exist, that increases your chances by alot. I know, "alot" isn't very scientific. Hahahahaa. But it is a heck of alot more than what we had in the 60's when we were looking for love in all the wrong places. Back then we didnt even know we were asexual and that there were others like us.

I wish all the luck I can wish upon you that you will find a romantic that is sexless. I was one of those way, way, way back when. So I know that they exist. Now how to capture one of those elusive creatures is up to you to discover.

But you can forget about killing off the need for love. That is inbred in everyone, even if they dont want to admit it.

Yes, but the aromantics don't seem to need it like romantics do. The love of friends and family is all they need (they're so fortunate).

One thought about your traps. Make sure they are completely sexless. I mean without the slightest hint of sex. There is nothing that will scare an asexual away faster than the whiff of a sexual entanglement. Hahahahahahaa.

Not to worry - if I were any more sexless I'd be genderless as well. LOL.

I don't know if I helped or hindered? I tried to keep things light and I am usually bad at that type of discussion.

You did well. I appreciate the effort you took to restrain from total "gloom and doom". :)

[UltraViolet]

Oops - double post so I deleted this one.

[UltraViolet]

First off, you need to be a little more careful about expressing such sentiments, even on this board, because there are a few other posters who are just plain mean-spirited and will go out of their way to hurt you when you're this emotionally vulnerable, and drive you to suicide if they can.

Thanks, but not to worry. I excel at ignoring mean spirited people and no one can drive me to suicide but me - I have the only set of keys - lol.

I'm currently clawing my way out of the situation you're in. It's frustrating to hear other people say, "oh, just wait, the love of your life will use their ESP to find you". No, the only way to do it is to turn those feelings of despair into something proactive. I've been doing this by trying to start a singles club, and the big hurdle I've been running into is that a lot of people have become cynical and stopped trying, long before they found one of my ads.

Where are you ads? Count me in.

There just comes a time when you need to wipe the blood off your lip and get up to throw a few more punches. Because if you're down for the count, it's game over.

With the amount of blood I've wiped off my lip I could start my own blood bank but the only time I will be completely down is when I'm dead. Too bad life can't be more than just a constant fight tho.

[Guest disjointed]

Ultra, firstly as mentioned lonelyness without a partner is not something that happens just to Asexuals, although being Asexual I feel makes it harder to to find that life partner.

Like others I am alone and in general keep myself busy to the point that this isn't an issue until I sit down and have a meloncholy momment or I attend a social gathering and see people happy as couples.

Then I see the same loving couples later with hubby a bit wobbly after a few beers, the mrs flirting with others, the partner getting angry and the storming off to conclude the night, then I think.. this couple lark isn't all it's cracked upto be lol.

even negating the sex part are you saying you miss the toilet seat being left up, clothes on the floor, wind noises from every orifice, stubble in the sink and to put the cream on the cake...snoring the last thing at night lol.

I hope one day that I will find a partner that will be my life partner and we can have a better life, but for now being single isn't bad, it isn't as bad as I think.

could it be better? of course it could, could it be worse? very very much so

Chin up ultra, things always have a way of working out, I strongly believe that and thats what keeps me going

[UltraViolet]

Ultra, firstly as mentioned lonelyness without a partner is not something that happens just to Asexuals, although being Asexual I feel makes it harder to to find that life partner.

Believe me, I know that - it's just sooo much harder for us asexuals to even hope to find anyone especially due to the limited number of older asexual men who are still willing to give love a try.

Like others I am alone and in general keep myself busy to the point that this isn't an issue until I sit down and have a meloncholy momment or I attend a social gathering and see people happy as couples.

Exactly - you can somehow never lose yourself in enough "busyness" - there will always be times when the despair gets in and practically drains the life out of you.

Then I see the same loving couples later with hubby a bit wobbly after a few beers, the mrs flirting with others, the partner getting angry and the storming off to conclude the night, then I think.. this couple lark isn't all it's cracked upto be lol.

Even negating the sex part are you saying you miss the toilet seat being left up, clothes on the floor, wind noises from every orifice, stubble in the sink and to put the cream on the cake...snoring the last thing at night lol.

Well, I never said I wanted to live with someone or get married - lol. In fact, with sex out of the picture there's no need for living together or marriage at all - it could be just two people who get together whenever they feel like it!

I hope one day that I will find a partner that will be my life partner and we can have a better life,

I'd like that too - preferablly before I'm too old to care.

[Guest disjointed]

I know what you mean there, I don't want to be Asexual at 80 because my zimma tells me I should be

[UltraViolet]

I've given up on men period and i finally had to realize, i wasn't meant to experience 'dating" and having a boyfriend/husband.

Well, that's certainly your choice - as long as you're truly at peace with it. Otherwise, the only other choice it seems is to just keep looking until you find that special someone or die of exhaustion (whichever comes first).

[UltraViolet]

I know what you mean there, I don't want to be Asexual at 80 because my zimma tells me I should be

Dare I ask who (or what) your zimma is?

[xsquid]

Don't despair. "True Love" is an elusive thing to both sexuals and asexuals. Even if or when you find it, it takes constant work and compromise, mutual respect and kindness on a daily basis. There is no such thing as "finding True Love" and just sitting back with no effort the rest of your life. That's a fairy tale.

I wonder if there have been any psychiatric studies done about the rate of depression in asexuals? Does anyone know of any? The rate appears to be rather high, especially amongst those with less life experience.

I was clinically depressed for more than 2/3 of my life--never sought help until 5 years ago. Thought I could handle it myself, plus I bought into the myth that all depression was treated with were "happy pills".

If you find yourself going down that path, let me say from my own experience: Get help. Get meds. Educate yourself.

The more you interact with people, the greater the odds are in your favor of finding someone to be close to..especially right here.

[Guest disjointed]

Ultraviolet..Dare I ask who (or what) your zimma is?

Lol them old peoples walking frames

[JustJudy]

Violet, I have no suggestions but if a partner is what you really want then don't ever give up, people meet in their 40's, 50s, 60s,70s,80s,90s and maybe even in their 100s and share lots of love. The waiting is bound to be painful at times but just by reading this thread you can see that there are lots of people, including myself, who will gladly offer comfort and of course a virtual {{{ }}}

JJ

[Doorman]

I dont get some of you people .... why do u need a close a friend with a penis for ? :lol:

Looking for a father figure?

Miss your dad ? or he didnt give u enough affection ?

Or maybe God almighty has one of those....?!!!

Try and focus what it is u realllly want........

[Guest disjointed]

doorman I think you may not be with the post

just because someone doesn't want to insert or be inserted it doesn't mean they that they should be single the remainder of thier life if they don't want to be

and "you people " you sure your an Asexual?

[Guest Heligan]

I dont get some of you people .... why do u need a close a friend with a penis for ? :lol:

Looking for a father figure?

Miss your dad ? or he didnt give u enough affection ?

Or maybe God almighty has one of those....?!!!

Try and focus what it is u realllly want........

Well arent you an offensive little guy!!

Well to start with its not about the penis, (though, yeah they can be useful in the sperm/baby making department) its more that men and women are different; male friendship is different to female friendship. So you cant just subsitute the place you would have put a male partner if you had sexual attraction, with female friends- there is often still the need for close male friendship (even of the non-romatic variety).

Also the lack of sexual desire does not necessarily result in the lack of romantic attraction.

[Guest disjointed]

possibly a troll?

[Doorman]

Well arent you an offensive little guy!!

And you need a BIG guy dont u Mildred?

Well to start with its not about the penis, (though, yeah they can be useful in the sperm/baby making department) its more that men and women are different; male friendship is different to female friendship. So you cant just subsitute the place you would have put a male partner if you had sexual attraction, with female friends- there is often still the need for close male friendship (even of the non-romatic variety).

Analyze this til your dead

[Guest Heligan]

Well arent you an offensive little guy!!

And you need a BIG guy dont u Mildred?

Well to start with its not about the penis, (though, yeah they can be useful in the sperm/baby making department) its more that men and women are different; male friendship is different to female friendship. So you cant just subsitute the place you would have put a male partner if you had sexual attraction, with female friends- there is often still the need for close male friendship (even of the non-romatic variety).

Analyze this til your dead

Well you have certainly made your point, there there really is no need at all for some men...

..... but then I dont think anyone is actually talking about having a deep emotional need for, well, men like you!

Very possibly you are correct in your assumption that all you have to offer is penis, and are rightly concerned that this may not be enough for asexual women... but wakeup call, its not enough for most sexual women either.

Its very worying that you see yourself as having no other value; maybe something traumatic has happened to you in your life to make you feel this way.....

[UltraViolet]

Violet, I have no suggestions but if a partner is what you really want then don't ever give up, people meet in their 40's, 50s, 60s,70s,80s,90s and maybe even in their 100s and share lots of love. The waiting is bound to be painful at times but just by reading this thread you can see that there are lots of people, including myself, who will gladly offer comfort and of course a virtual {{{ }}}

JJ

Thanks for the pep talk tho I still do hope for a significant romantic attachment before I hit the triple digits - lol. I have to say tho that getting advice from my fellow asexuals is much more comforting than from anyone else - thanx also for the {{{hug}}}!