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shuttlegirl

Alright, I'm going to do this.....

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Raisin
I'm fresh out of advice - although I would say be glad that you didn't have children. It's the children that are making this situation so incredibly difficult to me. I would leave if it weren't for them. At times I feel like I can 'live with' the brother/friend thing - but - there are many times that I can't. I know that keeping a marriage together 'for the sake of the children' isn't necessarily the best thing - but I made a commitment and now have a family. Do I destroy a family for my own happiness? Or do I put my own happiness aside for them. How can my happiness be hinged on one aspect of a marriage? It's a tough decision. One I'm not ready to make yet. Perhaps when the girls are older.
I'm not entirely sure I'm still in love with my husband. I care about him very much.... and love him in some ways - but 'in love'. I think that might very well be gone. The thought he might be gay has more than crossed my mind. But in all honesty - gay or asexual - it doesn't change my situation. He refuses to discuss it with me or a counselor - refuses to acknowledge that it's an issue that needs communication and discussion. We generally have a good platonic relationship - brother/sister, buddies - but physical intimacy is non existant and thus, for me, emotional intimacy has been eroded. I've taken to sleeping on the couch most of the time just to avoid my discomfort in sharing a bed.

In either case, I feel paralyzed to change anything. It was difficult to get us to the first marriage counselor. After a year and a lot of money - nothing changed - if he can't communicate with me or an outside source - then I'm stuck. I could try and find another counselor - but it's been difficult to find good reccomendations - and 'shopping' with him is not really an option. In a family of 4, three people are absolutely happy and satisfied with the status quo - I'm the odd one out. And I can't bring myself to break it apart - at least not yet - not with a 4 year old and almost 3 year old. So, I sit and wait - and contemplate my options.

After reading through much of this post, I felt moved to comment. Obviously, I don't know all the circumstances of your relationship, and I have never been in a similar situation, so my comments might not be worth much, but I do hope you at least consider dissolving this marriage. From what you have said of your husband, it seems clear that he does not have a full appreciation for your needs as a sexual woman. Plus, as you stated yourself, you are not entirely sure you still love him. Please don't continue to hurt yourself by staying in a relationship that fulfills neither your sexual nor your romantic needs.

And I do understand that you want your children to have both parents, and you want to continue to stay together for them. However, I can't help but think that it may only make things worse in the long run. Again, I have no way of knowing for certain, but it may be easier to end the marriage while they're still young. Or, perhaps wait a couple of years if you want to ensure they're in school so you don't have to deal with the daycare question. You and your husband can still maintain a close relationship even if you do decide you want to get a divorce, so your children can still have both a mother figure and a father figure in their lives. I think it's amazing that you care about your children so much, but it will be just as painful for them as it is for you if you continue to hurt yourself for the sake of the marriage.

I may be young and foolish and asexual, but reading some of your posts truly broke my heart and I think that you deserve to start looking for a partner who will be able to satisfy all of your needs and treat you like a woman ought to be treated. Having young children in the picture makes it difficult, but I am sure they would want their mother to be happy.

Best of luck to all of you. I hope you're able to work things out.

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