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Support Groups for Sexuals?


starcat

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Does anyone know if there are support groups for sexual men that are in a marriage (relationship) with an asexual? Or any ideas where one could go for support? My husband was thinking about a sexaholics meeting, but we're not sure if that would be helpful or not.

We really need help, but have no idea what to do/try next.

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je_suis_napoleon

Have you looked in the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" section of this forum? Lots of good posts there from people in your situation.

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Starcat, unfortunately most "support" groups for people with low/no drive partners are dens of bitterness, where people get together and bitch about how awful it is to be deprived of sex. While the initial sentiment may be sincere, the atmosphere in those places can turn it toxic. AVEN is the most sane forum on the subject I've come across.

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Thank you both for the replies. I'm not sure how comfortable hubby would be with posting, but worth looking into. Thanks for the heads up about the support groups as well. I've seen that happen in some health forums too. Pretty sad.

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Starcat, unfortunately most "support" groups for people with low/no drive partners are dens of bitterness, where people get together and bitch about how awful it is to be deprived of sex. While the initial sentiment may be sincere, the atmosphere in those places can turn it toxic. AVEN is the most sane forum on the subject I've come across.

I think that would be common for any support group based on the existence of another person from which they need support.

ie: support group for sexual people married to asexuals.

ie: support group for non-autistic people married to autistics.

ie: etc

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Starcat, unfortunately most "support" groups for people with low/no drive partners are dens of bitterness, where people get together and bitch about how awful it is to be deprived of sex. While the initial sentiment may be sincere, the atmosphere in those places can turn it toxic. AVEN is the most sane forum on the subject I've come across.

I think that would be common for any support group based on the existence of another person from which they need support.

ie: support group for sexual people married to asexuals.

ie: support group for non-autistic people married to autistics.

ie: etc

I hear the support groups for people taking care of Alzheimers' relatives are really rough. The caretakers have to be so nice to their dear ones who are completely out of it and they just rant like hell when they get to the support group. I went to support groups for parents of autistic kids for several years but finally couldn't take the "this is so unfair" stuff anymore.

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I know what you mean. I was participating in a support group for people with fm. I stopped going because is was all so negative and depressing.

I guess there really isn't a group for this. A place to vent yes, but it's not the same as meeting in person and getting the one on one deal. It's just doesn't seem right that people have to live like this. I know it's a choice, but is it a choice to fall head over heals in love with someone?

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I noticed this with a support chat I went to for awhile. They expected people to fit in with how they thoughtpeople had to be, it was insane. I ended up feeling horrible for some things as a result of it. Eventually I stopped going, took a look back and looked objectively at everything- and I think I was one of the most well-adjusted people there. So, yeah, support gropus can be good, but they can also be really bad.

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Eventually I stopped going, took a look back and looked objectively at everything- and I think I was one of the most well-adjusted people there.

Call me a cynic, but I think the is the primary way that support groups help people. By giving them a chance to say "At least I'm not as screwed up as them" :D

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Eventually I stopped going, took a look back and looked objectively at everything- and I think I was one of the most well-adjusted people there.

Call me a cynic, but I think the is the primary way that support groups help people. By giving them a chance to say "At least I'm not as screwed up as them" :D

Well, you know... Being a cynic was never necessarily a sign that someone was wrong :/

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Does anyone know if there are support groups for sexual men that are in a marriage (relationship) with an asexual? Or any ideas where one could go for support? My husband was thinking about a sexaholics meeting, but we're not sure if that would be helpful or not.

We really need help, but have no idea what to do/try next.

I don't think that a meeting for sex addicts would help, because he is not afflicted with sex addiction. Would you be helped by alcoholics anonymous? I think not. Perhaps some old-fashioned honest, open communication between the two of you is all that is needed. Were you honest and upfront with him about your asexuality BEFORE you got married? If not, YOU are sort of committing breach of contract. It is normally assumed upon completion of a marriage contract that the two parties will be physically sexual with each other. If you did not disclose this pertinent information to the other party (husband), then you are clearly at fault. It would be within his rights legally to not only divorce you, but to receive a legal annulment. That is a legal decision stating that the marriage was entered into fraudulently by you, and it sort of "erases" the fact that the marriage ever took place. All legality aside, some people would ethically defend your spouse's right to find sexual gratification outside of the marriage bed. Is that an option you would feel comfortable with? You need to think all these things out. Perhaps there is a support group for him, but if so, I don't know of it. In my life experience adultery or divorce would be the more likely result of this situation. Good luck

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Were you honest and upfront with him about your asexuality BEFORE you got married? If not, YOU are sort of committing breach of contract.

Okay: Pointed out before, but let's say it again. We aren't born knowing what our orientation is. Plenty of people go a long, long time not realizing they're asexual, or even that they aren't normal. There is a possibility that they really had no idea that there was anyhting to tell before the marriage. Yes, this doesn't mean that everything is roses, but if you honestly don't know there could be a problem: I hardly think it's fair to blame anyone but society for not being more open about asexuality. So kindly refrain from pointing the finger of accusation until you know the whole situation.

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Marriage is licensed by the state, but it is not a "contract" between the parties. It does not have terms which each must carry out. Sex is NOT guaranteed by any marriage partner to the other marriage partner. If one partner feels that's the case, they are wrong.

If a marriage produces children, both partners have legal responsibilities to those children. But they have no legal responsibilities for financial support, love, kindness, fidelity, OR sex to each other. Marriage is a legal joining of two responsible adults. It doesn't give force either to give the other what he/she wants or expects.

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Marriage is licensed by the state, but it is not a "contract" between the parties. It does not have terms which each must carry out. Sex is NOT guaranteed by any marriage partner to the other marriage partner. If one partner feels that's the case, they are wrong.

If a marriage produces children, both partners have legal responsibilities to those children. But they have no legal responsibilities for financial support, love, kindness, fidelity, OR sex to each other. Marriage is a legal joining of two responsible adults. It doesn't give force either to give the other what he/she wants or expects.

Actually, depending on your region I think that might be technically incorrect. Beyond the obvious terminology of "marriage contracts", I believe in my area a marriage is not legally binding (and can hence be canceled with an "annullment" rather than a "divorce") until the partners have had sex. I don't think the law comes up much, if ever, but it's on the books.

Not that I think that's the way things should be, of course.

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Marriage is licensed by the state, but it is not a "contract" between the parties. It does not have terms which each must carry out. Sex is NOT guaranteed by any marriage partner to the other marriage partner. If one partner feels that's the case, they are wrong.

If a marriage produces children, both partners have legal responsibilities to those children. But they have no legal responsibilities for financial support, love, kindness, fidelity, OR sex to each other. Marriage is a legal joining of two responsible adults. It doesn't give force either to give the other what he/she wants or expects.

Actually, depending on your region I think that might be technically incorrect. Beyond the obvious terminology of "marriage contracts", I believe in my area a marriage is not legally binding (and can hence be canceled with an "annullment" rather than a "divorce") until the partners have had sex. I don't think the law comes up much, if ever, but it's on the books.

Not that I think that's the way things should be, of course.

I think my parents got theirs annulled, so I don't think no sex is the only requirement.

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I think my parents got theirs annulled, so I don't think no sex is the only requirement.

Of course. As far as I know, actually, it follows the same rules as any contract - must be in a sound frame of mind, must not be under any form of coersion, must be able to sign legally binding contracts (ie above the age of consent). There may be a few other conditions, but I believe those are the major ones. "False pretenses" may or may not also apply; it's been too long since I took that class.

Little know fact: contracts signed by children and youth under a certain age (exact age depending on the area) are NOT legally binding, unless they involve necessities such as food and shelter. That includes verbal contracts as well, which is why youth under the limit are unable to legally agree to have sex, hence "statutory rape" because there's no legal consent given. At least that's true in Ontario; USA law may be different.

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Little know fact: contracts signed by children and youth under a certain age (exact age depending on the area) are NOT legally binding, unless they involve necessities such as food and shelter. That includes verbal contracts as well, which is why youth under the limit are unable to legally agree to have sex, hence "statutory rape" because there's no legal consent given. At least that's true in Ontario; USA law may be different.

That's little known? I'm not allowed to sign anything at 17 without my parents signing it as well because I'm a minor.

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Thank you Ghosts for sending this to the right area :)

As for knowing ahead of time before we married? We have been married 8yrs now. I didn't even know asexuality exsisted till just last year. I just always thought I was the "odd man out" most my life. My husband didn't even come to terms with his bi-sexuality till last year either. So how could we have really known what type of sexual connection we really had before we married?

None of this changes the fact that we fell in love. We feel we are soul-mates...regardless of sexual orientation. Maybe there are not support groups out there for this kind of situation, but I hope there will be at some point. It's not like we asked for this to happen. People change throughout their whole lives. Some get cancer and die slow horrible deaths. Does that mean a person can get a divorce because of it? Or go outside the marriage because the sick spouse can't perform anymore?

We're just looking for a way to ease the sexual frustrations in our marriage that will work for us both. Divorce is definitely not even an option to us.

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That's little known? I'm not allowed to sign anything at 17 without my parents signing it as well because I'm a minor.

For very small values of "little known". =P

Sometimes I'm out of touch with how rare a piece of trivia is. Apologies. :blush:

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I think my parents got theirs annulled, so I don't think no sex is the only requirement.

In Washington State, USA, we have "no fault" divorce -- you don't need to claim anything, because it's assumed that if one party doesn't want to be married, the marriage is irretrievably broken. I think that's good because you shouldn't have to be tied to someone. The only legal maneuvering is with $$ property and child support/custody arrangements.

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Honestly I don't think such support groups would work, if there were actual support groups it would only fuel confusion and misunderstanding if there were only sexuals there and if there were asexuals there as well then it would turn into a Q&A and asexuals would probably feel attacked if they went to them, Best way to do it in my opinon would probably be is this site. It's really good with asking questions and support. Still if there was a support I'd assume it would have to involve both to attend so that there's an opinion from both sides and also no one would really attack the other because then you'd be attacking your partner. There might be a confrontation but I'd assume nothing seriouse, It's easier to accuse and gang up on strangers then people you care about, You'd be at least willing to hear your partners side. And if your not willing, well you might have more then just a sexual fustration issue.

I admire the fact that your willing to work out your problems, divorces are so common now that they might as have divorce lawyers at weddings handing out buisness cards. Honestly I haven't seen people wanna work out relationships anymore. The sparks gone, there's a problem, the marrige ain't hollywood drama perfect. Time to move on! At least thats how it went around me. I truly believe if people really hit it off and love eachother they should work through there problems, ofcourse some just dont wanna take the time.

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Honestly I don't think such support groups would work, if there were actual support groups it would only fuel confusion and misunderstanding if there were only sexuals there and if there were asexuals there as well then it would turn into a Q&A and asexuals would probably feel attacked if they went to them, Best way to do it in my opinon would probably be is this site. It's really good with asking questions and support. Still if there was a support I'd assume it would have to involve both to attend so that there's an opinion from both sides and also no one would really attack the other because then you'd be attacking your partner. There might be a confrontation but I'd assume nothing seriouse, It's easier to accuse and gang up on strangers then people you care about, You'd be at least willing to hear your partners side. And if your not willing, well you might have more then just a sexual fustration issue.

Maybe if you could inform a sexual about asexuals, or had an asexual lead it who wasn't open about it but knew a lot (or had anyone there that knew a lot), or run by people in a happy, working sexual/asexual relationship, or any number of things.

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Maybe if you could inform a sexual about asexuals, or had an asexual lead it who wasn't open about it but knew a lot (or had anyone there that knew a lot), or run by people in a happy, working sexual/asexual relationship, or any number of things.

I think it would be a great benefit having a happy, working sexual/asexual couple running the support group. But it seems like there could be a lot of different opinions as to what "happy/working" would be. Atleast from what I have read so far in this forum.

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I don't know about all sexual people that are married to asexuals, but I know that I feel cheated, because, I was not aware that my husband was asexual from the start. If I had known, there would not have been a marriage in the first place. Making love is a normal natural way, (ONE OF THE WAYS) to show love for each other, as most of the world sees it, anyway.

From what I've read, ONLY asexual people are happy without sex. Finding out about a whole other group of people (called asexuals) have answered a lot of questions for me.

Not that it makes me a happy camper finding out about these things, but I don't feel as DIRTY as I once did. Yes, you heard me right. DIRTY. That is how some people feel whenever their spouses don't want to touch them. All kinds of things have gone through my mind, in the past few years, from wondering if he was gay, was he cheating, or was he just what most of the world thinks of, as being abnormal. Something wasn't jelling, that's all I knew for sure, until I read about asexuals in Ann Landers. That's the day all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

I still don't know what to think about the whole thing. I feel like I'm being punished in some way for being a God given sexual being. We spend our whole lives trying to believe that sex is not dirty, it's a natural thing, then suddenly, you have to unlearn all these things that doctors have been trying to get across to us. Sex ia a natural thing. Oh, no! We were wrong all along.

Now, suddenly sex is a dirty thing. Am I ranting? Hell yeah, I am. I'm angry with my husband, and he don't even know why. We haven't had sex in two years, then when I try to discuss it ( HE AVOIDS IT AT ALL COSTS) and tells me, that all I think of is sex.

The least that he could do is be honest, but the sad part is, he don't think there is anything wrong with our relationship.

I am only seeking answers.

Thanks to all on the forum for any feedback, or answers that you might have to help me understand.

Yes, I am miserable with my marriage.

Miserable

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Now that you have read some posts here on the AVEN site, I assume that you are aware of the basic concept of asexuality. It's about sexual orientation or natural preferences rather than a way of showing disrespect to or rejecting loved ones. You, say, being a yellow lover cannot make anyone who does not love yellow be fond of yellow no matter how eagerly you may explain how adorable it is.

Not that it makes me a happy camper finding out about these things, but I don't feel as DIRTY as I once did. Yes, you heard me right. DIRTY. That is how some people feel whenever their spouses don't want to touch them.

While I knew that I was perfectly healthy, I once was believing that I had a contagious disease and trying not to touch other people's bodies to protect them from getting contaminated. Now I don't feel like I am spreading viruses so I have no problem touching other people's body. But I'm still not so comfortable with skin-to-skin contact. Even in bed with someone, I usually don't touch their body until I'm asked to just because the idea of putting my hands on someone else's bare skin(Hand-holding is an important exception. I love it very much.) does not come into my head. Not wanting to touch can result from many different things. There may be good reasons that your husband does not want to touch you. Or maybe that's just part of who he is.

I still don't know what to think about the whole thing. I feel like I'm being punished in some way for being a God given sexual being. We spend our whole lives trying to believe that sex is not dirty, it's a natural thing, then suddenly, you have to unlearn all these things that doctors have been trying to get across to us. Sex ia a natural thing. Oh, no! We were wrong all along.

Now, suddenly sex is a dirty thing.

Why is sex a dirty thing?!! How can sex be dirty at all? To me sex is one of the most beautiful things in the world. It's also a sacred thing through which we can create another human being. Sexual desires are beautiful and sacred to me too. I think your husband having low libido has kind of magnified your wanting to have sex with him making you appear to be overly craving for sex, which is very unfair and couldn't be more wrong. How can it be possibly not natural that a wife wants her husband to show his love by making love to her. Also, sex is a natural thing for sexual people. If you had been with a sexual, sex would have been a completely natural thing for you. Like the air surrounding you, which you would not have felt the existence of.

Am I ranting? Hell yeah, I am. I'm angry with my husband, and he don't even know why. We haven't had sex in two years, then when I try to discuss it ( HE AVOIDS IT AT ALL COSTS) and tells me, that all I think of is sex.

No sex in two years. I don't think it's something that everybody--who's sexual--can do. It sounds very frustrating. With your husband refusing to talk about this crucial part of marriage life with you, even saying that all you think of is sex, which seems to me to be a humiliating thing to hear from a spouse. You must have had very difficult times and felt terribly lonely.

Saying that "he avoids it at all costs", you wanted to put an emphasis on that statement. Hearing it said, using my imagination, I felt some kind of outcry of desperateness from both parties. If he doesn't like to talk about it, it's likely that there are some reasons for that. Talking about sex with you could make him uncomfortable. Or he may have felt that your "trying to discuss it" was somewhat intimidating for him or just wanted to avoid the tension that the "discussion" might bring about. Or... something that I can't think of but you and your husband can figure out.

I can see that your soul is ailing. And you are angry. What I learned from experience is anger does not vanish into the air leaving nothing behind. It often gets people to harm others--random people or a specific person--or harm THEMSELVES.

Now, I have got two questions.

#1. Is there any possibility of compromise between you and your husband?

#2. Do you love your husband?

If you are sick and tired of feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved, humiliated, insulted, pathetic, embarrassed, upset, self-loathing, etc. and don't want your husband to be around you anymore, it would be best to set yourself and your husband free from this marriage so you could stay mentally and physically healthy. I would really like you to ponder upon the question number 2 and listen very carefully to what your heart is saying to you.

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Why is sex a dirty thing?!! How can sex be dirty at all?

Sweat includes lactate and urea, semen involves mucus, then there's cervical mucus, spit, blood, etc. How is all that not dirty? Actually, have you seen semen, it just looks gross. And I still can't figure out what comes out of girls but it can't be any more pleasant. The entire thing is disgusting. Maybe dirty's the wrong word, but it's still totally gross. And, yeah, I know I'm a repulsed ace and this isn't the only viewpoint- but to me it's just eurgh.

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The entire thing is disgusting. Maybe dirty's the wrong word, but it's still totally gross. And, yeah, I know I'm a repulsed ace and this isn't the only viewpoint- but to me it's just eurgh.

No one has the only viewpoint. I can't see how a replused asexual's viewpoint should be any less valid for that person than a sexual's viewpoint that sex is beautiful and sacred is for that person.

The problem always is that the sexual viewpoint is considered the norm, the right viewpoint, the natural viewpoint. Also, there's such a variety of views within the asexual community. The repulsed asexual ends up feeling pretty marginalized. I know that I don't really want to think about sex in any way, shape or form, but society being what it is, it's in front of me every day, even without having an actual sexual partner anymore.

I don't think a sexual support group would work, for the reason Olivier mentioned: it would simply be a rant group and the sexuals involved would go back to their relationships even more pissed off than before.

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The entire thing is disgusting. Maybe dirty's the wrong word, but it's still totally gross. And, yeah, I know I'm a repulsed ace and this isn't the only viewpoint- but to me it's just eurgh.

No one has the only viewpoint. I can't see how a replused asexual's viewpoint should be any less valid for that person than a sexual's viewpoint that sex is beautiful and sacred is for that person.

The problem always is that the sexual viewpoint is considered the norm, the right viewpoint, the natural viewpoint. Also, there's such a variety of views within the asexual community. The repulsed asexual ends up feeling pretty marginalized. I know that I don't really want to think about sex in any way, shape or form, but society being what it is, it's in front of me every day, even without having an actual sexual partner anymore.

I don't think a sexual support group would work, for the reason Olivier mentioned: it would simply be a rant group and the sexuals involved would go back to their relationships even more pissed off than before.

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I really feel bad saying this, just in case I'm wrong, but, I'm beginning to think there is no such thing as an asexual. It could be an excuse, to debrive sexuals of something that they need to share with their partner. I'm sorry, if it is just the one last excuse, that is pulled out of the bag of tricks. Asexuals are very wise people, maybe. They know that it is human nature to want what you can't have, therefore, they could be laughing behind our backs, and wondering why we have been stupid enough to hang around this long. It is somewhat strange, that I never heard this word until 6 months ago.

The sexuals who married in good faith, believing that they would share their bodies, along with everything else, with their partners are not stupid. They are just trying to hold up their end of the bargain, and the anti-sex spouses are punishing them for that. That could be one of the cases. I'm not saying that about all asexuals, if there is any such thing. Because, it could very well be an attention getter. Just another tag to be put on a person, so they can get noticed by the news media.

IF YOU CAN PROVE THIS TO BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I"M SAYING< PLEASE SHOW ME. Where are the doctor's reports. What books are out there, that I can read? Show me proof, that asexuals are not just selfish people. I am saying that I'm sorry in advance, just in case anyone on here, can provide me with some solid proof that there is such a thing as an asexual.

Any books that you could reccomend would be appreciated.

Thanks

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