Aromantic or Hetromantic?

[Glyn]

I'm wondering if I can get your thoughts on this... I've been wanting to post this for the last few days. I've written this post in Notepad, re-written and re-edited it so many times it's unbelievable. I expect that there are parts I've not adequately explained or need further explaination, or that there are bits I've missed out. Still, it's time to bite the bullet and pose my question.

Even as I write this, I am still trying to work things out in my head. As a result, chances are what I write may wonder, so get a coffee or a beer, get comfy and prepare for a long essay! :-D

Since I've come to properly realise I was asexual a few weeks' ago, one thing I have been wondering is: am I aromantic or hetroromantic?

I've tried to look into this as much as I can but I know there are huge gaps in my understanding. I guess I am looking for something I can identify with.

Ever since I was a kid, I remember falling in love with girls. My first crush was when I was 9 or 10 with a girl in my own class. The last time I was in love was around 2001, and I realised my feelings for her weren't the same in 2004. Since then I've not had any feelings for anyone since. I don't have a problem with not being in love - if it happens, it happens, but if it doesn't, it doesn't - I'm chilled with the situation, and on the whole really happy with my life.

My point: I have been in love with someone, hence the reason why I think I am hetroromantic.

Yet, I have never had any desire to be inside a romantic relationship, even when I *was* in love with someone. I can't explain how and why I feel this way. I have some really close friends, and these mean a great deal to me. But I just don't feel the need to be inside a romantic relationship. But also, I've never seen this as a problem for me neither, after all, I am no less a complete person than someone who IS inside a relationship, and more importantly noone else is being hurt by me being who I am.

Privately, I've tried to make sense of this contridiction. People have suggested that I have not met "the right woman" (I'm 32 years old, for goodness sake - many people have had at least *one* relationship by the time they hit my age!) Others have said that I've never been in love before, and "once you've been in love, you'd understand" (I find this insulting and patronising, and really annoys me - I've been alive long enough to know when I am in love with someone!) I've been told that some childhood trauma or experiances could be in play here (this could be a fair point - after all, I spent the first 8 years of my life watching Dad beat Mum up regularly. Yet I am reminded that I have a friend who, like me, hasn't had the best of childhoods, yet is happily dating and is expecting his first child.)

So I am asking myself one thing: am I hetropromantic or aromantic - or something else? If something else, then is there something wrong with me that I am not concious of or unable to acknowledge? Even if my childhood experiances have influenced my outlook romantically (and I expect it has, even to a small degree), what exactly am I - am I hetromantic or aromantic?

- Glyn

PS Message to the Moderators: I apologise up front if this is indeed in the wrong forum or thread. I am still learning the ropes!

[HD Ready]

Welcome aboard Glyn....

I don't know where to start but I'm in the same boat as you. The only thing I could come up with *for me* was aromantically heteromantic. I don't really possess the romantic drive or desire to have a relationship but I accept that one day if I find the right girl everything will fall into place and I'll have all those crazy infatuation feelings. I've had them before and I just accept that one day when I meet someone special enough I will have those feelings again.

[Cynicus]

Oh yes, deffinitely been there, can't offer any word of advice i'm afraid.

[Amphioxus]

Hello. : )

I've been asking myself the same question - well, almost. Replace "heteroromantic" with "homoromantic".

I do get crushes, but they're short lived and superficial. My crush on a certain girl goes on and off unpredictably, and when it's there, it doesn't occur to me at all to become more than friends with her. I'm still not sure if I ever really fell in love. I thought I was in love with my first girlfriend, but the way I see it now, it would have been better if we hadn't started dating. We're best friends now and it's so much better.

I think to myself that I might be aromantic, because although I might get crushes, I don't feel like getting closer to that person.

[Shortass Lady]

It sounds like a similar sceanrio to asexuals who experience a sex drive but have no desire to act on it with another person. It seems you have a 'romantic drive' shall we say, but have no desire to follow this through with others. Since you experience romantic attraction, 'heteroromantic' probably isn't inaccurate and can be applied to you.

Some people who feel in between sexual and asexual call themselves 'Grey A': not totally one or the other. You could call yourself 'Grey Romantic' (or Grey R!)

It could be one of those situations though where one word doesn't explain it, and you just have to explain yourself in sentences. 'I am romantically attracted to people but don't experience a desire to act on these feelings'... I don't think there's a label for it. You could make one up! 8)

[Glyn]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. It's a great feeling when you've got people I can identify with. And it's very reassuring that I am not the only person who feels the same. Everything you all have said makes more sense to me than you realise.

I've been in a simular position to you, Ampioxus - one girl I fell for I am still close friends with, although I never told her my feelings (then again, I imagine that she probably guessed... I have a feeling a guy like myself acting like that it becomes pretty obvious! Lol!) :lol: