A wierd friendship

[Ruka]

My two cents: It seems that the majority of the time something happens, she was drinking. Perhaps therein lies part of her problem.

Other than that, I do agree that you two may just be better off as friends. (Sorry to sound quite redundant.)

[Ace187]

actually she said she cared about me like that once sobber but she said she never wants to act on it.

[happylife]

directed to happy life.

I have a quick question, Why would you go crazy?

Just asking.

mostly guilt. being in that situation would aggravate pain.

nothing to do with who you are and what you do. just my own stupidity.

that's why I told you not to beat yourself up the other day.

[Ace187]

That seems unfair,

So how come you wouldn't be able to look past that and see that somone wants to be with you. Someone wants to change for you cuz they love you, isn't that love? Changing for the better. If guilt is the only reason then I would only assume depression is whats causing it. Either that or you only assume that the relationship is gonna fail and are judging on the fact that were sexual and not who we are. If there's another reason please tell me.

[happylife]

There's too much to take into account; but, I've got too little in my hands right now. I don't know much about your girlfriend's cultural backgrounds, her past experiences, what you two people have been through together, how she really feels about you, and so on and so forth... All I can say for now is, based on what I've learned from your posts, she seems to want to break up with you, or want you to break up with her. To say something further, I need to know more first.

[Ace187]

Well she's said nothings changed, she just needs time and space which im giving her, I'm just trying to understand why she's so aganst marrying a sexual. Or why asexuals are so aganst it in general. I don't wanna break up with her, I want her to want to be around me,

If she doesn't want to I feel like I lost her cuz she use to always wanna be around me. There were no problems before college started up again. I just thing her friends come last and her career comes first. I don't blame her for it, thats nature. Look out for only you, I just wish it didn't have to end like this. With her seeing me as an enemy and hating me. she says she doesn't but her actions suggest otherwise.

[happylife]

Not all asexuals are against marrying a sexual, I suppose, in fact, there are some asexual people here on AVEN who are romantically involved with sexuals. In this particular case, however, I don't think a good many asexuals would go for you two staying together not because one of you is asexual and the other sexual but because what you have been telling us kind of leads us to feel that you and your girlfriend would be better off without each other.

[happylife]

Ace, do you mind if I ask you a silly question?

Can you tell me what it is that I might be expected to do for you, if any??

Or is there anything I can do...?

Just so I can help you out in any way I can.

[Ace187]

Sorry for saying asexuals are against marriage. I didn't mean that, as for help there's nothing needed to do. I understand that if she doesn't want to be around me I have to accept it. I only talk alot because I can't understand a few things and when I can't understand something I keep asking questions hoping to find the answer. Like why when I tried to walk away from her she says our friendship hasn't changed, she still considers me a really close friend. She's just busy. Maybe she is busy but I just don't know why she never talks to me. I'm right there. Or e-mail. Everyone says she wants to break up but she says she doesn't, because she says cares about our friendship.

I'm just getting mixed messages. Why say I'm a close friend but never talk to me? Why when I try talk does she say's I don't wanna talk but when I turn and walk away she tells me to wait? I'm just trying to see if anyone can help me understand. You don't have to answer anymore if you don't want to. I just like to understand. I want to understand what she wants from me so I can be a better friend.

[happylife]

We know too little about too many things at the moment. Being lost and puzzled. There's no way we can completely understand why she did what she did unless we are somebody that knows her better than she knows herself.

Why don't we leave it at that?

I'd like to talk about you, instead.

How are you holding up?

[Ace187]

I kinda knew that no one had the answers I was looking for. Still, I cant help but wonder why? I know I'll never know though.

I'm not sure I understand your question though. Do you mean what I'm doing about the situation, I'm not trying to bother her.

I keep my distance untill she's comfortable around me again.

[happylife]

Keeping the distance sounds good to me. I'll encourage you to keep it that way until something unexpected comes up. In the meantime, you are going to have to take care of your health and focus on your studies. Don't throw yourself into romantic relationships with anyone for a while if you don't really feel inclined to including your ex-girlfriend with her being a potential girlfriend in the future.

[Ace187]

I know I should move on and find new girlfriends whatever. First of all she never called me her Boyfriend, so I can never reverse the situation and call her my girlfriend. If you want to call her that to simplify things thats fine. But As for moving on well I'm gonna have to say no. I am going to wait for her to come back. Why? Cuz she means that much to me. If she never comes back I'll be alone and im willing to accept that. Love for me doesn't happen twice. Is it effecting me. Yeah I never sleep because everytime I sleep I have a nightmare of her leaving me or yelling at me or hating me. I'm a mess, and I know it. I'm trying to get back to my studies and when I do I'll be better off but to me the solution is not looking for someone new. It's gonna get worse and worse if I do that, Like I said i'll just wait. I already said why, and I'll never force her to come back to me. this is probably a stupid Idea but I don't wanna change it. It already seems that everyone thinks this freindship is over, She's never coming back. I kinda figured as much but with everyone else saying it, It pretty much confirmed it.

i want to thank everyone for there help. Even If this solution doesn't seem like help, at least I confirmed in my mind what everyone else can see as well.

It's over and I failed.

[happylife]

I hope she gets back to herself soon and the two of you can love each other dearly without abusing yourselves as well as hurting each other. If that's going to be far from easy and not going to happen in the near future. Whenever I meet someone suffering in a relationship, I almost always want them to be with their partners forever and try to do everything I can to help them keep their relationship intact. As far as I remember, this was the first time I recommended someone break up with their partner both in the AVEN community and in real life. The only exception was when the act of rape was involved in a relationship and I kept the boy from talking to her. Even if I feel they should break up, I usually don't tell them to do that since I don't want to be blamed afterwards. But this time I mustered the courage to advise you to leave her. Do you wonder why? Something in me has kept telling me you don't seem well enough and I should do something to help you. Before I say goodbye to you I just wanted to let you know what made me do what I did. I wish you the best. And your girlfriend too wish her the best. Anytime you need someone to talk to, drop in here. I'll be greeting you with open arms.

Edit:

P.S. I apologize if I hurt your feelings in any way. I did not mean to be rude.

[Ace187]

I know there's very little I can do in this situation right now. I just don't know what to do exactly. Do I treat her the same as before except keep my distance or just stay away. I know very little about what she wants right now, all I do know is that she is willing to forget and move on even if thats not what she really wants she doesn't do what she wants she does what she thinks is the best choice for her career. I know somethings wrong, but I don't know how to fix it. Sometimes things are beyond repair. I just wish I had one more chance to make things work out with her. She was always mad at letting me get away with stuff ever since I first kissed her. she was upset cuz she didn't understand why she didn't slap me right there. I'm not in the greatest of mental health, but something worked with me and her. Something we both enjoyed and he heart wanted but she hates admitting she even has emotions. Every time someone askes how does that make you feel she pretends she feels nothing. She shuts down, she doesnt wanna feel anything.

You didn't say anything to upset me, and I do hope she comes back to me. I hope one day she does come running to my arms or lets me run to hers. But I as of right now I don't know what to do. We seemed so happy together, or at least I thought we were happy.

I thank you for your feed back and reason. they were sound and true. I just miss her.

[PurpleCow]

Not to offend you or start anything but do you know this girl's past? Was she sexually abused at some point? Accussing you of rape is not a normal thing, even for an asexual! That and the way you describe her makes it sound as if she does have feelings for you but feels guilty in expressing them even in semi-sexual ways, hugging etc. Guilt associated with sex is a big red flag if you ask me. I kind of wonder if she's even asexual, having kissed you and all, or if she wants to be asexual. There's a big difference there...

Or perhas she has something else going on. Does she play this victim card a lot? Eiher way it seems to me like the only way she's going to be girlfriend material is if she somehow becomes content with herself and maybe gets some help. Other then that I'm afraid there's nothing you can do but gently be there for her if she does decide to come back. believe me I know how frustrating it is when you can do nothing with someone you care intensely for that's just got massive psychological problems you can do squat about. It's like trying to run up a glass hill.

Sounds like you both need a breather. I hope you both can salvage something positive out of this mess. Again my observations probably mean nothing, I'm no shrink, but it might be something worth ponderin'.

[bl1]

Ok I was here once and posted a couple of fourms that helped me out a great deal but now.... well now things seem to have crashed down. Like the sky was falling or something and now the world is coming to an end.

I was here asking about advice for with a girl who was asexual and I was learning more about what she was feeling so that I could connect with her better and see where she was coming from. And this site helped me out alot. Anyway lets start with when it started to go down hill. We were friends and she loved coming over and cuddling with me and tickleing me and falling asleep on my shoulder. One night a month later when I was resting next to her I wrapped my arm around her and It went over her chest and it bothered her but not right away, she just couldnt stop thinking about it. She didn't tell me right away, infact it took about 3 weeks and she just acted different around me, not talking to me. Anyway she told me what the problem was and we talked it out and that passed. I get an e-mail saying (I only told you because I really like you, and thats all im gonna say.) That was the whole e-mail. then another one explaining that one.

Then I decided maybe sleeping together isn't such a good idea right away so I slept on the floor, she followed me immediatly and everything seemed like it was ok. Again a month later she was over we were having a few drinks, she had one to many and she threw up and passed out. She woke up the next morning and asked me if I raped her. I told her everything that happend which was I took her to the bath room walked her back to bed and made sure she was ok by lightly sleeping. She said she believed me but a few weeks later she was sceptical and accusing me again. Once again we talked about it and I told her the same story, she finally believed me when she had proof I did nothing.

Anyway we went back to normal and she spent alot of time with me, almost everyday. Then everything changed one day when she was sleeping over, we were cuddling and she was ok with me having no shirt. I only say that small detail just to explain that she seemed comfortable around me. The problem that happend was that I lightly kissed her neck that night. She didn't hate it at the time, she actually seemd to really enjoy it, she even whispered my nick name. After that she started acting distant again. Finally one day I get a text of her to check my e-mail, and she wouldnt answer my call. The e-mail was a lie saying that she was busy when she wasnt and that we couldnt hang out tommorow. Then I get a confession e-mail saying that she says cuddling isn't something close friends can do. The last day she cuddled with me before that e-mail was with me was her birthday and she probably planned it.

After that we didn't sleep together anymore, the closest she ever came was laying next to me in bed. Everything seemed back to normal though after that, we hung out alot over the summer again almost everyday. But everytime this happend it seemed less and less, I didn't have a nick name anymore, she never seemed happy to see me like when we were just becoming good friends. Still said my nick name every once in a while and still playfully hit me. Then one time we went to a concert, it was a long drive, she met my family and we had a great time. After that she calls me a couple days later and says would you marry me. She was drunk though, alot of her conversations like this came from after she drank. Next day she says she didn't mean it, we sat down talked about it and she said in her exact words, "you wouldnt be happy with me cuz im an Asexual." I told her I would give up physical love for the rest of my life to be with her the night before. I told her, "If thats what you truely believe then you dont understand how I feel about you." She said she does feel physically attracted to me sometimes and if she ever acted on it she would hate herself forever and that she feared she would become some sex driven women. *not gonna use a curse word but I think you know what I mean*

I said fine and that ended that day. 2 days later she's over and were drinking and cooking and talking and she lays in my arms and pulls me down and kisses me. I don't see her for a month, then we took another trip to denver and I hug her a couple of times which bothered her but it once again took 3 weeks for her to tell me. Now today, this very day she's avoiding me. She sent me an e-mail a few days earlier saying I feel like I need to remind you were just friends and that there's other people out there that I'd be happier with. I didn't know how to reply so I didn't. Now she avoids me, like today I went to a lunch room at the school to eat and she works at the school. I didn't notice her there untill I walked into another section of the lunch room. looked back out the door I walked in and saw her running out the lunch room door down the hall. That's how I knew she was avoiding me, she only seems to wanna talk to me through e-mail. At least she's still talking to me and calling me a close friend, but she doesn't seem like it anymore, who would sneak past and run away from a close friend?

My question to everyone on this server is what do I do? I apologized to her everytime I make a mistake, she always says your a close friend and mistakes happen on her e-mails and yet... she's doing things that would say im not even a friend. No calls, no talking, not even seeing me, she can't even look at me for more then a second. Is she upset with me, afraid of me. I she want's to talk only by e-mail thats fine but the way she acts around me is depressing to say the least. I'd do anything to fix this can someone give me advice on what she could be thinking or feeling. I'm just trying to understand because I care about her alot and giving her space and hoping she'll come to a resolve isn't working at all.

[happylife]

Not to offend you or start anything but do you know this girl's past? Was she sexually abused at some point? Accussing you of rape is not a normal thing, even for an asexual! That and the way you describe her makes it sound as if she does have feelings for you but feels guilty in expressing them even in semi-sexual ways, hugging etc. Guilt associated with sex is a big red flag if you ask me. I kind of wonder if she's even asexual, having kissed you and all, or if she wants to be asexual. There's a big difference there...

Or perhas she has something else going on. Does she play this victim card a lot? Eiher way it seems to me like the only way she's going to be girlfriend material is if she somehow becomes content with herself and maybe gets some help. Other then that I'm afraid there's nothing you can do but gently be there for her if she does decide to come back. believe me I know how frustrating it is when you can do nothing with someone you care intensely for that's just got massive psychological problems you can do squat about. It's like trying to run up a glass hill.

Sounds like you both need a breather. I hope you both can salvage something positive out of this mess. Again my observations probably mean nothing, I'm no shrink, but it might be something worth ponderin'.

Good point! Thank you for bringing it up. I have been wondering about her past and asked him about it but got no answer. I guess he has not been informed of her past. I agree with you that she may not be asexual and need help. If I remember correctly, he said in another thread that she had been on meds. That's the good news apparently. But it's the bad news at the same time, I think. Again, I thank you very much.

[Ace187]

Look I don't know what our problems are. All I know is that she said there's nothing wrong with our friendship. If thats true then fine, but its things like this were she's gone for 3 days straight and no word from her. Maybe she's just lying around in her room relaxing taking a break because they do stress her really hard at school. But a part of me is worried, either that she's hurt or that she's off with some other guy or even friends. Now that part wont bother me as much it's just that she never use to go anywhere without inviting me before all this happend. Now im lucky if she even bothers to smile my way. I dont know if she's trying to suppress her feelings for me, run away from her feelings about me, found a new guy, or what. I just dont know. my friends said the worst thing to do is cut myself off 100%. They said just remain casual friends and build it from there. Let what happens happen. Also I just wanna point out that its been over a month and a half now since we've had any real time spent together. She's always doing something else. The last thing she said to me when pushing me away was. If you want someone just to talk to for hours on end and just hang out, do it with someone else. If you want to do something together let me know ahead of time so I can make room in my schedule. Then it was back to the you'd be happier with someone else and I might want a real relationship one day. anyway thats all for now, nothing else to say.

[happylife]

Look I don't know what our problems are.

i think, my friend, one of your problems is poor communication. looks like she is way too secretive. which seems to have been undermining the foundation of this relationship.

[Ace187]

I know that right now our communication is something we need to work on. Irronicly the funny fact is that we use to be able to talk for hours on end. But now, She feels talking about our problems is too emo to deal with. So I always keep up light conversation instead of talking about our problems, hoping one day she will come around and sit down and talk to me.