Some advice/support/thoughts requested...

[Ruka]

Okay, so for most of my life, I've identified myself as straight. That went unquestioned (at least by me) until...late high school/beginning of college. I'll explain why.

I met my best friend in freshmen year of high school (we were the same grade). We became close friends quickly and I always enjoyed chatting with her, hanging out, etc., but never considered I could have romantic feelings for her. At first my parents wondered if I was lesbian because I never really talked about boys, but I did tend to make guy friends fairly easily. (I was a bit of a "late bloomer" in comparison to my peers when it came to having crushes, too. My best friend, however, has liked guys since elementary school.) Before meeting her, I'd not only shy away from physical contact...I'd quite literally run away from physical affection (hugs, sitting close together, etc.) from friends, especially guys (just ingrained paranoia of hidden motives). But my best friend has always been a very affectionate person and so she would try to hug me, hold my arm, etc. Stuff that was borderline what I considered "only couples would do" but I have seen some friends doing together. After about a year/year and a half, I pretty much got used to it and eventually even liked it--it became comforting, as I entered depression later in high school. She basically became the person I could go to when feeling down, etc. Her caring about me led me to reciprocate it.

Since entering college, she has been in two relationships (one currently still going) and I've been in one. She's often talked to me about "needing a guy" and stuff, but I've never understood why exactly. It became clearer and clearer to me (through various means, not just her) that I lacked any sort of sex drive. I thought "okay...so what...?" She doesn't have sex (practices abstinence), but she does have some level of sex drive; we've discussed it somewhat.

Here's where I feel it gets complicated...at least for me.

Through her first relationship, I never knew the guy nor got to meet him (we went to different colleges, and he was dorming at her school), but I remained fairly supportive, despite the relationship ending only after a couple months. Putting that aside for a moment, we've had our fair share of fights over various things...but we keep being friends. I always supposed that's what best friends do. I guess it's true. But what I've noticed is that I care for her more than I've ever cared for anyone else I've ever met. She falls in love fairly quickly with guys, but I've never been able to do so. (In the one relationship I had, the guy fell for me, but I couldn't reciprocate; I just liked him. I figured if I felt nearly as strongly for him as I cared for my best friend, that's when I could say I loved him. But I never did.) Now she's in her second relationship and it's going very well...but I can't seem to support it. I mean, the guy's nice, sure (he was my friend/acquaintance before she ever met him), but now whenever I think of him/them, I get angry and just don't want to talk about it, like a jealous person would do. I've wondered about my sexual orientation (due to others like parents and counselors, etc., questioning me) since about the beginning of college, like I said, but I always figured "straight" because the thought of having sex with the same sex never appealed to me. But then...I thought: "wait...but the idea of having sex with the opposite sex doesn't sound too great, either? ...Am I bi?" I did some reading around and thought I could be for a couple years, though never was sure, since...I only ever suspected liking one girl (and perhaps a couple fictional characters). Needless to say, I was confused...until I found out about asexuality. After reading about it, I realized I could genuinely like someone without ever caring (or expecting) to have sex with them. But now I'm not sure if I care about her this much as a best friend...or that and more. I don't have a problem with being bi-asexual, but I don't know if that would weird her out in any way.

Here's what I would like some input on.... I would like to discuss the "issue" (for severe lack of a better word at 2 AM) of asexuality with her, but how do I bring it up without sounding utterly random? I'm...really not sure I would want to tell her that I think I like like her, but...if I did, how would I go about that, especially since I'm still only 70-80% sure? I mean, you would think after all this time I would know, right? But I don't...and I feel silly for not knowing, though I feel it may help me (somehow, at least a little peace of mind in keeping one less secret completely shut away from anyone) if she knew some of what's been going on in my head. I know she's quite accepting of homo/bisexuality, but this coming from me? The best friend? I would think that it would be a little weird.

Sorry if some of that seemed irrelevant, but it really is all related in one way or another. I just hope I got enough across at such a late hour, and that it isn't too hard to read through. >_< If not, please do ask me to clarify and I will do my best. (And if this was supposed to go in a different forum, I apologize in advance.)

[daddyhammer]

My advice is to just put it out there. "I don't want to freak you out or put pressure on you, but even though I don't have sexual feelings for you I find that I'm having some romantic ones."