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The opinions of my fellow 'olders' much appreciated.


Guest DiscoBison

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Guest DiscoBison

I'm a first time in a long time poster here, and I'm still trying to decide where I am in terms of my sexuality... Just a very brief background - I'm a 37yr old British man, live with my folks (although I lived on my own for 16yrs and moved back when I became ill 2 yrs ago), and I have never had a relationship. I feel repulsed by the thought of anyone touching me in a sexual way, and have no desire to interact sexually with anyone of either sex - sounds simple so far ? I have 3 issues however with declaring myself asexual - 1) I was sexually abused at 13 which has led to long-term depression and 4 minor breakdowns (most recent May 08) which I felt was punishment (from God) for having been attracted to boys - although even writing this I'm aware that 'attraction' is the wrong word, 2) I am taking medication which has supression of libido as a common side-effect (and have been for the last 4yrs at least, and 3) I'm an outrageous flirt, with members of either gender, where I have an emotional bond established, and it's probably this last which makes me question most my orientation - I get a tremendous 'kick' out of being sexually provocative. I wouldn't describe it as a sexual kick - see above - but I just wondered if anyone else has had this kind of experience or can offer any 'words of wisdom' ?

Hope I haven't rambled on too long or gone off-topic :rolleyes:

Thanks

DB

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Hello DB dear!,

You don't have to declare yourself asexual. We still love you anyway!! Just declare yourself DB and be done with it. :)

Enjoy life!

Lucinda

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potentialsurvivor

37 is the new 27, so you're the same age as me now.

All I can say is I wish I got the same level of enjoyment and excitement out of flirting... I tried overtly flirting once when I was drunk, and I was horrified with myself for days.

My wisdom says... exactly what Lucinda says. You get cake :cake: for sharing, and we'll love you no matter what you call yourself. Flirt away!

Also, can you teach me how to flirt so I'm not appalled with my actions? Just kidding (No I'm not)

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Nothing off-topic bout anything you've said. Everything about our feelings and thoughts is on-topic and I can relate to much of what you've said. You needn't feel terribly old on here either; there are many around your age (and who knows how many others who don't post) and much older. Flirting isn't sexual attractin -- it's fun to do, sometimes. I take an SSRI antidepressant that is known to suppress libido but I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone long before I started taking it. As far as childhood abuse and emotional problems, some asexuals have experienced either or both, and some haven't. My feeling is that neither are especially diagnostic of asexualism, nor do they cause it. Who knows what causes it? We don't know what causes any of the other myriad types of orientation, yet, either.

so -- no worry about being in the right place, you are -- welcome! :cake::cake::cake:

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Welcome.

I dont think you can be off topic when you start the thread that establishes the topic. :rolleyes:

I like what Sally said.

And I welcome you here, whatever you decide your orientation to be. But it is you that decides not anyone else.

From your initial post I would lean towards asexual, either by orientation or by reaction to your past history. You can live asexually without being asexual by orientation. But the end result is the same thing. I life without sex.

As for your counterpoints.

1) As for your sexual abuse when you were young. It was not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Being a Christian and having been a missionary to children that were abused and worse. I assure you that God does not hate you because you were abused. God is not punishing you. You might be punishing yourself out of misplaced guilt but God isn't punishing you. God loves you so very much. He really wants to show you just how much He loves you if you will only allow Him to do so. Release the guilt. It is not your fault you were abused.

As for attractions. We can't help who we are attracted to. It is hard wired into us. We are going to be attracted to those who we are attracted to, irregardless.

2)I no nothing about medications. But from what you said earlier, you never wanted anything sexual before the meds?

3)You're a tease! :D Flirting isnt sex. Teasing isnt sex. Romance isnt sex. Doesnt really have anything to do with your orientation. At least the way I see it. From the way you describe your flirting it is more a game with you than anything sexual.

I am really sorry you were traumatized so severily by what happened to you as a boy that you are still having problems with the after affects this far into your adult life. But I believe the best way to try and get off those meds and stop having the breakdowns is to accept that you are not at fault for the things that happened to you in your childhood.

If you wish to talk more, either post questions or comments here or use the PM function for privacy. I am more than willing to talk with you and try and help if I can.

Ziff

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Jus thought I would say hi!

I am new here and think I fit into the 'older' category being very close to half way to seventy. God, that's the first time that thought has occured to me lol.

I think you just have to be happy with yourself and there is nothing wrong with flirting as long as no-one else gets hurt.

I am just beginning to seriously examine what I believe of myself and what I want from my life. I was single for a huge portion of my life, and have had only three relationships during my adult years. The first one in my mid twenties ended because, to put it bluntly, my sexual desire wasn't as strong as it should have been and because I was clueless about my true feelings I gues I lied to myself and the girl I was seeing and tried to make it work even though I really should have walked away.

I guess relationships two and three went pretty much the same way and I have only recently and painfully ended with my partner. I caused a huge amount of pain and upheaval and I have vowed to myself never to let it happen again.

My main problem seems to be I become aroused from sexual fantasies, and I love the idea of sex in my mind...almost as a detached entity from it watching from a distance and this caused me to seek out relationships in the hope of finding joy and fulfillment in bringing these idealistic fantasies to fruition.

The reality is though that take sexuality out of my mind and make is something that is part of my everyday life and I am simply not interested at all. Being completely honest, I have been conditioned throughout my life (whether I did it myself or it was external expectations I have no idea, am still working through all this) to seek out images of women, to hold up sex as some kind of irresistible force, in fact I have become almost addicted to internet stories, chatrooms...anything that allows the exploration of sexual fantasies but the grim and unavoidable truth of the matter is that if I look at a woman, and that woman could be the most beautiful and incredibly sexy woman in the world....and I feel nothing. Nothing at all.

This truth, this realisation, has led me to decide once and for all that it is a life of happy, straight forward singleness for me from now on. This means that I will be content and free from the trauma of trying to be someone I am not, and it will mean that I am never, ever again responsible for causing an hurt to anyone else.

God, I have rambled completely off topic and I apologise profusely. I'm still going to post it though as I feel I've got loads off my chest.

Sorry for boring you all!! :redface:

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God, I have rambled completely off topic and I apologise profusely. I'm still going to post it though as I feel I've got loads off my chest.

Welcome and glad you went ahead and posted. :cake:

You aren't the first and definately wont be the last to go off topic. :rolleyes:

I do it all the time. :D

Getting things off your chest is good. Things that heavy shouldn't be allowed to set there very long.

Again welcome and have fun.

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Guest DiscoBison

Thanks to everyone who has replied, I'm sure you'll have experienced the relief of just having it confirmed that you (or I) are not completely alone and isolated in feeling the way we do. I was feeling really down last night and 'out of touch', so I'm sorry if I came across as very *heavy*, I'm normally a bit more cheerful these days ! Thanks again, your kind words mean a lot to me, hope to see a bit more of you all around here from now on :blush:

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I'm a complete and utter flirt with the ladies. Flirting becomes pulling for me, and I'm very good at pulling a lady, which makes it all the more frustrating when nothing happens. I want to try and control my flirting as it lands me in hot water, as the ladies love it. In the words of Ziffler above though, flirting is just a game for me. I do it for kicks.

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well was just browsing and reading topics , got my attention what you wrote about

whom you would invite to diner , i wonder how come Jobran khalil jobran is among

your guests , lol . if he came by i will invite myself

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Guest DiscoBison
well was just browsing and reading topics , got my attention what you wrote about

whom you would invite to diner , i wonder how come Jobran khalil jobran is among

your guests , lol . if he came by i will invite myself

Kahlil Gibran/Jobran wrote 'The Prophet' which I imagine you are very familiar with, it's one of my favourite books ever, I love the way he makes sense of the world in such a gentle, non-political, non-religious (well not specifically linked to one religion) way.

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I was sexually abused as a kid too but I believe I was born asexual. I've also had a couple of breakdowns in my life and could never understand why God "allowed" such terrible things to happen to me; but then one day I read this poem, I cried and cried as I read it over and over but then I understood. I don't remember the whole poem just these 2 stanzas(?) it is by Russel Keffler

You are who you are for a reason

You're part of an intricate plan

You're a precous and perfect unique creation

Called God's special woman or man

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow.

Best wishes DiscoBison

JJ

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You are who you are for a reason....

by *Russell Kelfer

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

You're a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb.

You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,

And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into His likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Master's rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

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Guest DiscoBison

Thanks JustJudy & Lucinda

Unfortunately I lost any belief in any higher powers long long ago, not because of the abuse, but because I studied theology as part of my first degree, and it just doesn't make sense to me as a scientist that there would be anything other than a series of chemical reactions making us 'alive'. I'm not saying that I'm right, just that I personally don't have any religious beliefs, just a personal conviction that 'do as you would be done by' is the way to live my life.

One of the above posts refers to a book called 'The Prophet' by a guy called Kahlil Gibran, an Islamic sufi mystic, and he gets about as close to my philosophy as anything I've read, here :-

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

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Guest DiscoBison

Oh, I should point out that the 'Prophet' referred to in the above post is not Mohammed, but rather a seer called AlMitra. And I'm not sure about the hand of the unseen, and the potters tears, but the rest of it makes sense to me.

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Kahlil Gibran is/was amazing didn't he also write "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself"? My mother had that poem or whatever on a plaque in her room and it was the one thing I asked for when she died, I haven't gotten it yet.

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Guest DiscoBison
Kahlil Gibran is/was amazing didn't he also write "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself"? My mother had that poem or whatever on a plaque in her room and it was the one thing I asked for when she died, I haven't gotten it yet.

Yeah !!!

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Just amazing!

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Guest disjointed

I think it would be easy DB to syko analyze and opinionise.

You are intelligent and therefore I feel you may already have the answers to your own questions?

Flirting can often be more about being made to feel valid by others responses and giving us some re-assurance feeling we are not all bad..a plus boost if you will.

As to the higher powers and you discounting things? for me and me only I see it as a compliment of who I am, the physical is proven and performs what I do, the emotional,spiritual is who I am. Do I believe in God? don't know, I do however believe there is something that compliments my physical.

Stirring? because as Older Asexuals we come from a generation that didn't talk about most things, if I look at my own life the slightest wiff of and mental health history/depression makes some runaway or change the subject god knows what they would do with my Asexuality lol.

having summarised many things I see my life as a book and with many different chapters and many diffrent paragraphs both past and yet to come.

Whilst previous chapters have defined who I am, Future chapters will define who I want to be.

As an older Asexual I think it's good to talk

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Guest DiscoBison
You are intelligent and therefore I feel you may already have the answers to your own questions?

Flirting can often be more about being made to feel valid by others responses and giving us some re-assurance feeling we are not all bad..a plus boost if you will.

As an older Asexual I think it's good to talk

Thanks, first of all.

You are so right about the second part, I am currently totaaly externally-validated, but I'm making inroads into liking mnyself a bit more.

And it is SO good to talk, you are absolutely right !

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Guest disjointed

It seems odd in so many ways

That when I was the age many are now in the forums at high school computers were the size of wardrobes you put in cards with holes in them, vhs was about to be released in comparison to betamax and punk was coming the 1st time around, pagers were being used and mobile phones did not exist.

At the same time gay people were seen as mentally affected and would abuse your children and women who didn't fancy sex must be a lesbian who would change if she met the right man to convert her!

Thankfully in the main we are all better informed but sometimes I feel it has taken a slight wrong turn.

I remember in high school many of us were in the ANTI natzi league and refused to tolerate racism, sexual orientation abuse etc asking that we are all to be treated equal now we seem to have got there for most and have all gone seperatist and singular in our groups pronouncing our individuality.

Like a pendulum of life many of us just need to feel the balance.

God I feel so old :blush:

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And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

That made my day, thankyou for sharing.

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Guest DiscoBison
And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

That made my day, thankyou for sharing.

Oh, mate, you should read all of it, it's truly amazing and uplifting and comforting and so many other things - it helped to get me through a major 'touch-and-go' period of depression this year

You can read more here

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thanks DB, I will

I actually printed out that passage and have it in a frame in my room to read when I'm feeling low.

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  • 3 weeks later...
je_suis_napoleon

I never was comfortable with flirting until I learned to embrace my asexuality. Now, I enjoy the hell out of it because I know it isn't going to lead anywhere. Kind of the way some gay men love to flirt with women.

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