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I've loved, but I don't want to lose Him.


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Hello everyone,

i'm new here and came here to talk about some stuff with people who would understand better than my friends can... I am searching for some opinions/answers to some really hard questions... a few days ago, my (asexual) boyfriend and I (a verrrry sexual girl) called it quits... for the third time. basically, we decided it was our only option because we couldn't find a middle ground on some very important issues, and what I was wondering is any of you can shed some light on some of these issues??? i would really really appreciate it, as I am devastated to no longer be with him and want to see if there's any way we can make things work in the future (we aren't ruling out the option of us ever being together again). So ok, here are the details and the background story... sorry ahead of time if it gets long and boring:

I met Him in my first year of college. And for me, i started out loving Him because I had never met anyone like him before. He didn't just want to get into my pants like all other guys (sorry to be girlishly stereotypical here) I had interacted with, and I fell in love with his humor, his compassion for everyone, and everything about Him. But, I had some eyebrows raised at me when people started hearing that I had a thing for him; our campus is pretty small... we're talking 1100 people total, and it's in a very conservative town/area. So when people who knew him had also known about his asexual and "unusual" past, and heard that I was interested in him, they looked at me like, "are you crazy?, but he's asexual". I didn't care, I just felt there was something so unique and wonderful about him-- something about him that got to me like no one else ever had before. And that was the thing--we had and still have an amazing connection, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. After some time, we started hanging out a lot, cuddling up together at night, and fooling around a little bit.... but when we fooled around for the first time, something bad happened.... He is also bipolar and schizophrenic, and because He initiated things with me that night, He felt like He was taking advantage of me and like He was leading me on, and so because of those feelings, He fell into a schizophrenic attack. Well, i didn't know what to do but lie by His side the whole night, until He came back to me in the morning. In the morning, He then explained his frustration with being asexual... of never wanting to have sex. At first I was kind of upset about this because here was this wonderful guy I had finally met, and really cared about and wanted a relationship with, and I find out that there's no chance that I can share sex with Him? i was a little crushed. But at the same time, I was a virgin (and still am), so I figured I could handle the no sex part of a relationship with him.

School ended soon after that, and I had stayed with Him several nights in his room since that first time and I was so saddened by the fact that summer was here and I probably wouldn't ever be able to start a relationship with Him. But to my surprise, we started talking on the phone a lot the second we left campus. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. We talked every day, sometimes several times a day, and i fell even more head over heels in love with Him. Then one night, He asked me if I saw us ever having something more, and of course I felt that way. So we started things out slowly, not actually dating until we returned to school the next year. And we had our first kiss in October, a week after we officially started dating. And in the beginning it was wonderful, seasoned with the difficulties of being in a new relationship, and feeling each other out (btw, he has a wrestling fetish that can sometimes be playful, or sexual.. this will make sense later) but overall, so wonderful . He made me so happy and I finally felt alive as a person. Well, things were going great, until about Winter time when he kissed another girl. It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't like he wanted something with this girl; she had hung out with him that night because she just broke up with her boyfriend, and he had missed me he said, so they kissed. He felt awful about it and he told me about it the next day when I was done with classes. He was a wreck because He didn't want to lose me over something like that, and He isn't the "cheating" kind He thought. I was shocked and extremely hurt by this. I was thinking, how could He go and just randomly kiss His friend (whom He had just met) when it took him about 5 months to even kiss me! I was angry and hurt, but I could also see the hurt He felt in what He had done. So, I stayed with Him, though it was really hard for me to learn to trust Him again... boy would that come back to bite me in the ass...

Months went by, we continued having a great time together, I tried to push out the memory of that incident as best I could, but I couldn't forget it completely. I was too afraid it would happen again, because if she was just a recent friend, and he was known to fool around with his friends (for fun, not sexual on his part), what was to stop Him from doing that with more of His friends while we were still together? Anyway, we hit the point in Spring where it seemed we just kept arguing over the same things, and so after one really aggravating day on a road trip, we decided to go on a break. Didn't work. We both couldn't do it, and so the next day, we were back together. Then in April, things sprialed again... He felt like we were going too fast and He needed space and time to think about what He wanted, sexually. So we breaked again, but never really stopped loving each other or being with each other (I still slept with him-- not sexually of course, but curled together in His bed at nights), and we were still very much together, there was just an understanding that He was still thinking about things. Then school ended again, we kissed goodbye, but knew we would still see each other and hear from each other over the summer, as we did. I took a job away from home and was living on my own in a new city, and in a creepy old house. He was my life support throughout it all. He came to visit me, and afterwards, we realized that we were back on the track of getting back together again because we still loved each other very much. I visited him twice and the first time was incredibly perfect and romantic, the second time on the other hand, just planted the shit that was to hit the fan. We got into an argument because he playfully wrestled one of his girl friends at home, in the same place we had been walking that day... and He felt proud enough about that endeavor to share that information with me. Well, quite frankly, it pissed me off. I know that His wrestling obsession can either be playful or sexual, but the bottom line was, because of last winter's incident, i didn't trust what would ensue from that playful wrestling with His other girl friends. I didn't know if things would go farther for Him and that scared me.

Well, after I left, a couple days went by before we talked again... and when we did, He was very upset by the fact that I had a hard time trusting Him and had had a hard time trusting Him for like 5 months and didn't tell him. That's what started it all..... and we ended it because when it came to what we wanted for the future, I wanted a completely monogomous relationship and he wanted to have one which was deep emotionally, but one that accepted physical things with friends (because to him, if it's not sexual, it's not cheating-- there's more to it than that, but that's just a description of that, briefly). We still love each other sooo much, but do you think we're doing the right thing by calling it quits? I know that I'm always going to love him and never lose those feelings of love towards him, even when we hang out as friends again. What can I do?????

So basically, these are the questions I have:

1. I believe that there are different motives for "cheating", some of them not even ill-intentioned, but do you believe that a kiss is always cheating? I mean, if you're having a physical thing (i.e. kissing or wrestling) with a friend while you're in a relationship with someone else-- is that cheating in your opinion? or do you think the typical conception of "cheating" is just one that has been formed by society today? Are there exceptions??

2. Do you believe that a relationship like ours can work out? is there any middle ground between wanting to be exclusive with someone, when the other doesn't think it's a violation if he kisses a friend (if it's not sexual?), yet he knows that it would hurt me if he acted like that--oh, and i should mention that he HASN'T kissed anyone else since that last time, so he isn't constantly "cheating", or however you want to define it. But Is there any hope for finding that middle ground? I know my instinctive answer is based on jealous impulses with that, thinking to myself, " how can I say it's ok if he has something physical with another girl?", but is it possible that we could live happily with an understanding of some kind? Could there be an understanding that would suite both perspectives????

3. How do you go from loving someone so completely to just being their friend? How do you not feel so empty when your other half is no longer there? and how do you learn to love again? how can i even think about "again" when i just want to love HIM.

4. He said he feels so alone when he talks about how he views relationships, in that he has trouble separating a "friendship" with someone to a relationship that is something more. he doesn't even know what that something more is like, because he's always only known (and lived) that when you're friends with someone (girl friends, for him), fooling around with them is something that you can do because it's someone you trust and it doesn't always have to be sexual. Do any of you all understand how he thinks? and if so, can anyone explain/shed some light on how he can be asexual, never want sex (well, not until marriage at least, and no, he's not religious), yet still yearn for having deep bonds with friends by fooling around with them, while still loving someone else and wanting a relationship with the one he loves???? confusing!!! and frustrating!!!

some one please help me!

Thanks, and much love!

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So basically, these are the questions I have:

1. I believe that there are different motives for "cheating", some of them not even ill-intentioned, but do you believe that a kiss is always cheating? I mean, if you're having a physical thing (i.e. kissing or wrestling) with a friend while you're in a relationship with someone else-- is that cheating in your opinion? or do you think the typical conception of "cheating" is just one that has been formed by society today? Are there exceptions??

Unless it's been agreed upon by both partners that it's an open relationship; then yeah, a kiss is cheating. Anything sexual (things you wouldn't do with the sex you aren't attracted to (i.e. a straight male wouldn't kiss his male buddies)) done with someone other than your partner, without partner's approval = cheating.

Also, you can't accidentally/unintentionally kiss somebody, that's bull.

2. Do you believe that a relationship like ours can work out? is there any middle ground between wanting to be exclusive with someone, when the other doesn't think it's a violation if he kisses a friend (if it's not sexual?), yet he knows that it would hurt me if he acted like that--oh, and i should mention that he HASN'T kissed anyone else since that last time, so he isn't constantly "cheating", or however you want to define it. But Is there any hope for finding that middle ground? I know my instinctive answer is based on jealous impulses with that, thinking to myself, " how can I say it's ok if he has something physical with another girl?", but is it possible that we could live happily with an understanding of some kind? Could there be an understanding that would suite both perspectives????

Unless it's the kind of kiss that you'd give your mother, a kiss is sexual. I don't think someone wanting an open relationship and someone wanting an exclusive one can work out without one or the other compromising.

3. How do you go from loving someone so completely to just being their friend? How do you not feel so empty when your other half is no longer there? and how do you learn to love again? how can i even think about "again" when i just want to love HIM.

Dunno, but most people learn to move on ('cept emo kids).

4. He said he feels so alone when he talks about how he views relationships, in that he has trouble separating a "friendship" with someone to a relationship that is something more. he doesn't even know what that something more is like, because he's always only known (and lived) that when you're friends with someone (girl friends, for him), fooling around with them is something that you can do because it's someone you trust and it doesn't always have to be sexual. Do any of you all understand how he thinks? and if so, can anyone explain/shed some light on how he can be asexual, never want sex (well, not until marriage at least, and no, he's not religious), yet still yearn for having deep bonds with friends by fooling around with them, while still loving someone else and wanting a relationship with the one he loves???? confusing!!! and frustrating!!!

So he only does this sort of "fooling around" with female friends? <_<

Sounds like he's bullshitting you, he must have some notion what he's doing is sexual or he'd have no problem doing the same with his guy friends/mom/sister/brother. He might be polyamorous (which is another matter to tackle entirely) but he should probably cut the crap about it being "accidents" and "not sexual".

Gotta say I admire your loyalty but I don't know if this one sounds worth it.

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