Hats Posted January 26, 2003 Share Posted January 26, 2003 Hello again, Okay it happened again last night and what a nightmare it is..... I have been speaking to someone for quite a while and they know I am Asexual. Well, last night we were chatting and she said "Jon (my real name), can we talk about SEX? Would you mind?" So, with trepidation I said "no, not really" "Good" she said. "Do you not, even in the slightest bit find me attractive?" Oh dear I thought, here we go. I said "you know I find you attractive, I wouldn't be friends with you if I didn't would I?" "Yes but you know what I mean Jon!" "Yes, I know what you mean" I said and so it went on..... In the end I said "look we can still be friends though can't we? it's not like I wasn't upfront about this before" "Yes but I thought, once you got to know me things might change" and I said "well, I'm 29 and things haven't changed yet so they had better bloody hurry up" and she said "I feel all rejected now." So I said, "I am not rejecting you. I could never reject you, it's just the way I am" and she said "I am going to have to think about this and decide where to go with this" and then she signed off. So, it looks like another friendship has come to an end. Why must people think that because I am not sexual that it is an act of rejection? Why must people think that a friendship can only be made real by sex? Why do people always think that a relationship with sex is in any way better than one without it? I am baffled.......... Link to post Share on other sites
nemesis Posted January 26, 2003 Share Posted January 26, 2003 Tough questions. It also bugs me a lot that people think I'm rejecting them personally when all I want is a friendship. I wish I knew the answers. Anyway, I'm sorry that happened. Maybe things will still work out though... good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Hats Posted January 26, 2003 Author Share Posted January 26, 2003 Thank you nemesis. I hope it works out too but maybe it won't. I shall have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Cheers once again! Link to post Share on other sites
bard of aven Posted January 26, 2003 Share Posted January 26, 2003 (Pardon the pun, please.) Why must people think that because I am not sexual that it is an act of rejection? Why must people think that a friendship can only be made real by sex? Why do people always think that a relationship with sex is in any way better than one without it? Because they are insecure? Narrow minded? Self-centered? Because submerging themselves in the physical makes them feel better about their fears of really getting to know a person? Aristotle defined friendship as two persons with on soul, not two persons with one body. It does hurt when someone you liked/felt close to rejects you because of who you are at a fundemental level. But there are perhaps new friends to be found ehre in a more accepting community. boa Link to post Share on other sites
Kiuku Posted January 26, 2003 Share Posted January 26, 2003 Sorry Hats. I hate when that happens. I want to say that it comes from a lack of personal reflection and insight into life...but really, I am as baffled as you are. People just seem to believe what society tells them: your self worth is based on your sexual attraction, you need sex to be happy, you can't have intimacy without sex, if someone does not have sex with you they are not loyal to or secure with you. God I wish I knew why people hold on to the hope that you will be sexually attracted to them. Why they think they can change you or that you can or will change? that is such an INSULT. I don't know if they realize the magnitude of that insult and I also realize I am not making this any easier for you with my rant, but I've been there and it hurts a lot. I wish people would just be upfront and not bother with you right away...not wait until they figure out that you are not going to be able to change for them. You were upfront. I am always upfront. Why can't people just be upfront. UGH Link to post Share on other sites
Kiuku Posted January 26, 2003 Share Posted January 26, 2003 I mean, all they would need to say is "hey, I need sex in my life and I can't have a deep relationship with you without sex. I don't know how to be attracted to someone in any way other than sex, So I am not going to share myself with you. I need sex, so let's just keep this at an acquaintance level." Instead of this retarded game they play because on the fundamental level THEY DO NOT BELIEVE YOU. and Why is it so hard for people to admit that they need sex? Because I've heard people say over and over again they don't need it. If that is true, why do we always get rejected over it? Why do we always get reduced to second level friendships? ugh It is almost as if they don't even notice that they need sex or they don't want to admit it on the conscious level...I suppose, because the idea is normalized internally. ::sighs:: Ok I am done ranting now. Kiuku Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 26, 2003 Share Posted January 26, 2003 my assumption about the whole thing is that if one side of the equation sees the other side naked, & doesn't laugh, then they're worth staying friends w/. maybe people feel pressured to have sex w/ someone because they want to feel normal? shit, w/ the amount of magazines (cosmo, glamour, etc.) touting sex like it was some kind of fucking survival thing ("I NEED SEX TO LIVE!!!") & the letters in such magazines putting down asexual people by saying that they need psychiatric attention, you would think that sex was so friggin important. what i'm trying to say here, hats, is that if someone places conditions on your friendship w/ that person, then they not really worth knowing. in fact, those who claim to be understanding about your lifestyle, then turn around & do a complete 360 & end the relationship over something so trivial are full of crap & should be kept away from. especially if they try to guilt-trip you into compromising your principles. Link to post Share on other sites
Artemis Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 yes yes yes I agree with all the above. Why do some people believe that if a thing doesn't have something to do with sex then it's pointless, and why can't they at least try to understand the opposite viewpoint. All I can say is that I hope things work out for you (and I could rant on about those b****y magazine articles for ages, given half a chance!) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.