Help needed

[AddyW]

Hi!

I'm new on this site. I have posted a topic titled "Confusion" in the Welcome Lounge but now I realize that perhaps this would have been a better place to put it. Anyway, I would be very greatfull if some of you would read my post and give some response to my questions there. Please!

[Ziffler]

Amabilis asks?:

I have always considered myself to be extremely romantic and I have longed for another and more sensual kind of physical intimacy. More than anything I need to feel safe with a man and to have a deep affectionate friendship with him. Does all this mean that I am asexual?

As just about everyone here will tell you, the decision on whether or not you are asexual is yours and only yours to make. That goes for any sexual orientation. Only you know yourself inside and out. From what I read in your post, that is still a question mark?

Amaabilis asks?:

As time went by, however, I noticed that he needed more downtime than I do - eventhough I myself have been considered less social than average by friends I've known. After some months he started rejecting me sexually. Soon he had no phycical reaction whatsoever to me wheteher I touched him or dressed erotically. I mean none! Is that to be expected if a man is asexual or does this only occur if a man is impotent?

Ok, I'm confused. You said that sexual intimacy wasn't something you want, yet you dress erotic and entice a man for a sexual response? That in my opinion is contradictory behaviour. And then women wonder why us men cant read signals?

But in answer to your question. I am asexual, have been since birth. I am not impotent. I have a very healthy sex drive, I juz dont have a direction to focus it. And with me not only would your enticings not work to interest me sexually, they would drive me away from you. Being asexual, I run just as fast as I can from anyone female or male who signal they wish for a sexual encounter. If this gentleman is asexual, you will be very lucky if he even talks to you again. I know that I wouldn't. Not because I wouldn't like you, but because I fear you. Your actions give the impression you want sex and since that is something me as a asexual dont want, I would steer away from you at ever corner. Your friend might react in a similar manner.

Amabilis wrote:

Now, life has taught me that a woman has to keep her man sexually satisfied in order for him not to stray. I do not wish to sound provocative, but it is my experience. In hindsight I can see that most of my relationships has been of such a nature. Actually, I have been providing sex in order to receive some kind of friendship and affection

This is probably a true assumption from a womans point of view. But from a mans is the opposite. If you want to keep a man interested, then stay aloof. men want what they can't have. They will work to no end to gain what is forbidden. That is why you rarely see sluts with permenant partners. They gave out then the guy moved on. No challenge. The long lasting relationships. The guy and girl were sweethearts all through school without sex. The more the guy pushed the more the girl put up roadblocks until such time as both were mature enough to make a commitment and not just a one night or one week stand. Thats totally my opinion folks. hahahahaha.

Amabilis asks?

What do You think? Is he asexual without really knowing what that means? As far as I know he has several times, during the years, engaged into different relationships with women, but apparently none of them have been succesfull. He is a loner (as I am myself). When we're together he does look at me with love and admiration in his eyes and he gives me all the best he can think of. But at the same time it seems as if he is deadly scared by the idea og having sex (with me?) and engaging into a close relationship.

In my honest opinion. I'd say yes, he is asexual. He sounds so much like me he could be my mirro image. I can only express this as how I feel, which I believe might be how he is feeling, but cant be sure of course. I feel that he is getting mixed signals for one thing. You say that you are willing to have just a romantic relationship, but you let him know that you are there for him if he wants a sexual relationship also. Mixed signals. Once a woman tells me that she is there for me sexually, then I automatically think in my mind that she is sexual and that as much as I might care for her and she for me, it can't work because sooner or later she is going to want sex which I can't give her. I believe that is going through his mind. He probably don't even know he is aseuxal. he probably just feels there is something wrong with him. He wants to please you or he wouldn't have come back. But he feels that he can't please you because he can't give you what he thinks you want.

Sidenote. I don't think it will work either. Your posts contradict your feelings. You say that just romance is enough, yet you play for the sexual reaction. I think you could be happy for a short time, but not over the long haul. I think you would increasingly want some form of sexual reactions from him, and he can't give them to you. I know I left my Fiance when she tried to french kiss me. That told me, that she wanted sex. Which is something I could not give her. She never said the words but her signals told me that sex was what she ultimately wanted. I think thats the confussion in your friend. You are saying one thing to him, but he is pickin up on those mixed signals which warns him off of you.

I know thats probably not what you want to hear, but thats what I read into your post.

Oh, and just to let you know. If any friend of mine, posted inimate things about me on her blog or anywhere else, even if the names were changed to protect the innocent, that would be the last time I would ever confide in her again. Intimacy should be private. Not announced to the world. My opinion.

Amabilis wrote:

I hate this situation and it is very stressfull to me. I do love him dearly. As I said earlier on: To me sex is not an issue. I can have it or I can abstain from it.

There is the mixed signal. In my opinion that makes you sexual. You can have it or not. I'm asexual, I dont want it, dont want to talk about it, dont want to think about it, I dont want anything whatsoever to do with sex. When your friend hears you say, that its not importnat to you, that you can take it or leave it. He thinks you are sexual and sooner or later you ARE going to want it. At least that's what I think he is thinking, if he is anything like what you describe him to be.

Ok, I have said plenty.

I only know that if he was me, I would have been gone along time ago. I think I understand the turmoil inside him, very acutely.

Good luck.

I do hope the two of you can work this out.

But I doubt it strongly.

I don't think there is anything you can say or do that will penetrate his self defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt.

I just don't.

Ziff.

[thylacine]

"This is probably a true assumption from a womans point of view. But from a mans is the opposite. If you want to keep a man interested, then stay aloof. men want what they can't have. They will work to no end to gain what is forbidden."

Oh... I see now. This is why I can't get rid of 'em all!!!

[Ziffler]

"This is probably a true assumption from a womans point of view. But from a mans is the opposite. If you want to keep a man interested, then stay aloof. men want what they can't have. They will work to no end to gain what is forbidden."

Oh... I see now. This is why I can't get rid of 'em all!!!

That is so right. :D

You captured our essence in a nutshell. :D