jstme66 Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 Hi, I've been lurking for a while now. Finally getting around to introducing myself, which is never easy. Where to start? Growing up: never interested in boys, dating etc. But the climate I grew up in, post pill pre AIDS/HIV there didn't seem to be much of a valid excuse. I remember at 14 deciding to get fat to avoid sexual attention. It didn't work I ate vast amounts of food, but didn't gain any weight. At my 18th birtday party a boy had a real problem understanding the meaning of 'no' and thought it was OK to drag me into a bathroom, lock the door and proceed to pull my clothes off (I did manage to fight him off, so in the eyes of the world no harm was done). Next week back at school no one else seemed to think he had been out of order either. It was actuallu a bit worse that that, he had gone up to my bedroom, hidden in my wardrobe waiting for me to come up to sleep it off (Iwas getting a bit more drunk than was good) I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not interested and went back downstairs, that was 1/2 hr before the bathroom incident. I still go on about this after 20 odd years and yet no one seems to think it should have been that traumatic as no actual rape took place. Lesson learned from that: If you are not the 'property' of one man you are valid prey for all men and it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you think or say. Consequently I have been in pretty miserable relationships ever since - the logic, however flawed, being that it must be easier to manage one than the whole herd. My last relationship (15years) turned abusive 'just' emotionally, I guess the flip side of protection is isolation and possesiveness. It caused a rather bad depression, I was off work for 2 years and through therapy and then stumbling across that old bew scientist article I realised this was me. That was the problem all along. I went on this site and recognised so much. I have got lots of validation which has helped a lot. Now I'm divorcing, but still a bit apprehensive about the general sexual world out there. Will I now be seen as a valid target again? I know I'm older and uglier that I was, but then so are the same guys that were around when I was young and I don't know why they would suddenly have incorporated the word 'no' into their vocabulary. I realised I have missed out on so much when I was young, because I felt I needed to hide from all these rampant sexuals. I don't want to miss out anymore, I don't want to hide any more, but on the other hand I don't want to have to fight to have a 'NO' accepted. So here I am Now, I think that was worth some Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 Welcome, Justme -- here! I can't guarantee it, but I think it will be easier for you now to say "no" and be taken seriously. Age, maturity, the fact that some of the guys who were hitting on you back then are now maybe not so--self-confident, shall we say? You've gone through a lot. That will help you also -- you know what you don't want to do anymore. The world is still scary -- but there are a lot of people here to talk with. We all have different experiences but we all share an important experience: some amount of self-knowledge. You can't find that everywhere. Thank god for AVEN. Here's more: Link to post Share on other sites
jstme66 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks for the Sally, yummm. I always kind of knew what I didn't want. That was just not good enough, what is it you do want then? usually came back at me and that's a whole lot more complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Dame du Lac Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 I second Sally in that it should get easier to be taken seriously once you are, or look, older. And I totally sympathise with your feelings of trauma over the incident when you were 18. I mean, lets face it, the only reason you didn't suffer a more complete sexual assualt/rape was because you managed to fight him off. I find that anyone who does something in a 'joking' way is not intervened with, generally, by others who could help you. A couple of years ago I had a man at a party, messing around with me in front of his wife and small kids, but when he started to get rough and I was telling him to stop, and that he was hurting me, no-one intervened or even looked like he was doing anything wrong. It wasn't until I tried to leave the bathroom and he pushed me in and blocked the door, that another man (who I think did think this "man" was out of order) knocked and pushed the door open so I was able to get out. I later realised that where he had been pulling at my clothes so much he'd ripped my jeans. To say I was p***ed off over this incident is an understatement. Fortunately, unlike you, I have never so much as laid eyes on this person again. On the plus side, fewer of these morons appear in my life as I get and look older. I looked like a school girl for most of my twenties and attracted dodgy older men who must have thought I was playing truant and therefore was an easy target for the likes of them. Now that I'm older and no-one mistakes me for being quite that young I'm more confident that people showing an interest aren't "dodgy". When you get nice, normal men, in your own age group, showing an interest, it feels flattering and much more relaxed, even if you aren't attracted to them. So, welcome to AVEN. Have some more of this . And if there are any meet-ups in your area, be sure to go along. There's nothing quite as relaxing as meeting with a group of asexuals and knowing that absolutely no-one is going to grope you/offer you sex or insist that you should go out with them. They even ask before they hug anyone goodbye! Link to post Share on other sites
jstme66 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks Dame du lac I would love to go to a meet, sounds like just the thing. While I was still lurking I tried to look into it and could find lots of deliberations about meets, but nothing definate. I hope I will be able to find something later. Link to post Share on other sites
starcat Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Welcome Jstme. I lurked for a long time too before getting the courage to post..lol I can relate to some of what you came through as well. I've always been a bit naive to sexual innuendos, and to me what is a meer friendly hug, can be seen as an open invitation to the others. I have had a couple of step-fathers hit on me (forcefully) and after I got over the initial shock, it left me heartbroken and confussed. Teen years had me being called all sorts of horrible "teaser" names that I never understood either. I dont' really blame it on being stupid...it's more of not being able to relate to the sex scene and sexual innuendos. I love to hug people too. I would rather give a hug than shake a hand. But there are some men out there who are ignorant and selfish and don't know the meaning of respecting others. I'm sure those types of men have become very lonely in their old age. Hope your able to find a "meet-up" in your area. Welcome again to AVEN, and oh what the heck...have sumore :cake: They say it's good for the soul :) lol Link to post Share on other sites
mindlife Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home here. Link to post Share on other sites
Solodancer1 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I second Sally in that it should get easier to be taken seriously once you are, or look, older. And I totally sympathise with your feelings of trauma over the incident when you were 18. I mean, lets face it, the only reason you didn't suffer a more complete sexual assualt/rape was because you managed to fight him off. I find that anyone who does something in a 'joking' way is not intervened with, generally, by others who could help you. A couple of years ago I had a man at a party, messing around with me in front of his wife and small kids, but when he started to get rough and I was telling him to stop, and that he was hurting me, no-one intervened or even looked like he was doing anything wrong. It wasn't until I tried to leave the bathroom and he pushed me in and blocked the door, that another man (who I think did think this "man" was out of order) knocked and pushed the door open so I was able to get out. I later realised that where he had been pulling at my clothes so much he'd ripped my jeans. To say I was p***ed off over this incident is an understatement. Fortunately, unlike you, I have never so much as laid eyes on this person again.On the plus side, fewer of these morons appear in my life as I get and look older. I looked like a school girl for most of my twenties and attracted dodgy older men who must have thought I was playing truant and therefore was an easy target for the likes of them. Now that I'm older and no-one mistakes me for being quite that young I'm more confident that people showing an interest aren't "dodgy". When you get nice, normal men, in your own age group, showing an interest, it feels flattering and much more relaxed, even if you aren't attracted to them. So, welcome to AVEN. Have some more of this . And if there are any meet-ups in your area, be sure to go along. There's nothing quite as relaxing as meeting with a group of asexuals and knowing that absolutely no-one is going to grope you/offer you sex or insist that you should go out with them. They even ask before they hug anyone goodbye! I was playing in the river yesterday -- a favorite form of relaxation, something no one ever better try to take away -- and a man about my age or a decade older perhaps, sitting on a bench in the park, was waving, smiling and shaking his head the way strangers often do when someone is mildly misbehaving or acting funny, like when an adult is watching a bunch of teenagers do stunts on boards or something. I assumed he was with his family and was amused by their antics but the only other people around left and he wasn't with them. He walked up s if he had agood reason to, with the body language of someone doing an authoritative/responsible kind of thing. The mannerisms were like when someone sees a stranger shaking a snack machine and wants to tell the person how to get the money back etc. I looked at him, getting nervous. I stood square where I was and asked what was going on. He said he was watching me. He asked if I was sure I was OK and said he would rescue me if I was washed downstream. There was no reason that would be likely. I told him I didn't need any help. He went back to the bench and continued smiling, laughing, shaking his head and staring at me. My buddy showed up (finally) and we talked awhile. The man walked up again and she told him to get lost, very firmly, several times. He told her, in the tone people use when explaining why they are telling someone else's toddler or dog what to do, that I had been there earlier and he had seen me, as if there were something wrong with that. I am a middle-aged professional woman with strong ties in the community and I looked respectable and strong. I'm pretty fit for my age. I used to be a runner and weightlifter. I was acting quite confident (overjoyed actually) and was totally in my element. He assumed I was a stray dependent who shouldn't have been there and needed supervision and there was no reason to assume that. My friend said he'd been drinking beer when he stepped away from the park. It is of course against the law to be intoxicated in the public park. He treated my friend, who is younger and far less confident than I am, as an equal and gave the impression he was handing me over to her. Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I find myself having a strong desire to laugh and shake my head at the man who was watching you in the river, Solodancer. 'Wonder what he would have made of THAT, eh? By the way, and belatedly --- Welcome to AVEN, jstme66 and Solodancer1 ! I've been insanely busy lately and I have been sadly remiss on welcoming our newcomers. Sorry. :cake: !! -GB Link to post Share on other sites
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