stormy Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 This is awesome, glad to see there are people in my age group, 53 last month. I gave up trying to please partners a few years ago because it disturbed me and made me feel bad about myself. Guilt was not an easy feeling to live with so I ended my last marriage and have been alone since. I have tried to explain to my closer friends who think I am weird because I do not date that it is hard to find anyone who I can be intimate with without being intimate. So I decided to see if there were others out there and I found this site, thank you for being here. Link to post Share on other sites
< retired > Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 ...it is hard to find anyone who I can be intimate with without being intimate... Yes, that is the problem. Many sexuals have the opposite problem but don't know it: they mistake being intimate for intimacy. The male satisfies his sexual urge, rolls over, and goes to sleep. Later, he claims that he was 'intimate' with his partner. Was he really? Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I have always maintained that the type of connections characterized by TRUE intimacy take place quite a bit ABOVE the belt. Maybe animals, birds and insects have no other options; I don't know. -GB Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I just updated my avatar to show two tigers named Tony and Tatiana (the latter was killed at the SF Zoo last year in an entirely stupid-human-caused incident). This could be just pre- or post-mating behavior, but they sure look like they're displaying above-the-neck intimacy. Do anyone know enough about big cats to know whether they do that ordinarily? Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I know that some species of cats have scent glands located in the thinly haired area between their eyes and their ears, and it might be common to all of them. It seems reasonable that they would scent mark their partners in the same way that they mark their other "belongings." I know that house cats frequently do it to their owners. After all, there are some situations where a spray of urine won't be well received! -GB Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Ah yes -- my Sophie scent-marks everything in the house, including me. Maybe that's more an example of sexual possessiveness than intimacy, then (even in neutered/spayed cats). But it sure looks affectionate. Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I have tried to explain to my closer friends who think I am weird because I do not date that it is hard to find anyone who I can be intimate with without being intimate. So I decided to see if there were others out there and I found this site, thank you for being here. This is exactly how I found the site. Looking for platonic friends with people who weren't looking for sex (because inevitably that's what causes me to lose them, either I'm not giving them any or they found some). I had said that I'm not dating anymore but since being here, I have been on a few asexual dates and it has been fun. Mostly for that 'end of the evening' thing where all you have to know is if ther person wants a hug or not. There's no 'NOW what am I supposed to do?' dialogue going in my brain. Admittedly, I enjoy dating women more than men but my male dates have been good too. I just updated my avatar to show two tigers named Tony and Tatiana (the latter was killed at the SF Zoo last year in an entirely stupid-human-caused incident). This could be just pre- or post-mating behavior, but they sure look like they're displaying above-the-neck intimacy. Do anyone know enough about big cats to know whether they do that ordinarily? Yes, there are scent glands in their eyes but I think the 'marking' is only one part of it. It's like kissing. I don't think there are so many nerve endings in the mouth for nothing. Yes it's to detect food temperature and fevers but I think there's a reason I also think that tigers are the most perfect animal on earth. They were the last thing created, after that, God said 'well, I'm done, can't do any better than that'. (yes, I'm partly kidding, I know God didn't take and paint the animals!) Link to post Share on other sites
JustJudy Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Welcome Stormy! Everyone seems to think I'm weird too that at 51 I won't date and have absolutely NO interest in men. They think I'm heartbroken because my husband left me...back in 1994...he left me because I couldn't stand sex and he didn't understand intimacy w/o sex. and since then I have quit trying to be a sexual person and accepted my absolutely wonderful asexual self! and if other people don't like it then that's their problem. I just found this site a couple of months ago myself and have found it wonderful to know there are others LOTS of others like me. So put your feet up have some chocolate and enjoy! Link to post Share on other sites
stormy Posted May 27, 2008 Author Share Posted May 27, 2008 Thanks, having people around that understands is a big relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Independent Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I'm new to this website -- I'm 52. I've been in three failed marriages and throughout my life have had many, many sexual experiences. I was so unhappy most of my life. Finally, I just decided to give up sex and to not get into another relationship where I would feel like I needed to have sex to make a partner happy. It has been eight years and I am happier than I ever have been. I realize though, that while I was sexual at one point, it was mostly forced. My partners all made comments how "I just didn't seem to be there" with them during sex. That's true -- I was either thinking "hurry up and get this over with" or thinking of what to make for dinner or something. I didn't understand at the time, that it was okay to not like sex. Society is sex, sex, sex, and I can't tell you how many times I was labeled "frigid or cold" because I didn't want sex. So, I am very happy to read and write about asexuality -- it is good to commune! Link to post Share on other sites
stormy Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Free to be me and it is a great feeling since I know I am not alone. When I was married it was fight after fight and then there was the "cold, frigid" comments, that you were talking about. Now I just must be gay because I do not want to go out since the only thing I am going to hear is I must be gay because I do not want to jump in the sack with them. I am happy with who I am, it gets lonely sometimes though. Do you ever feel that way? Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I think everyone who doesn't have some sort of significant other feels lonely. Just because we OK with who we are doesn't prevent us feeling lonely. There just don't appear to be enough of us so that we can find someone to our liking -- or at least we don't know if there are other asexuals around. Gay sexuals have developed ways to be known to each other but it will probably take a while before asexuals feel comfortable enough to do that. Certainly those in my age group probably won't. The way this society expects men to be sex machines, it will probably take a long long time for asexual men to be comfortable to be "out." Link to post Share on other sites
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