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Marriage Update


starcat

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I thought that since I have written a few posts about the situation with my husband, it would be helpful to do an update. I'm not sure if anyone is really interested or not..lol...but it does help on my end to talk about it all. Please forgive me if I have posted this in the wrong area too.

My husband is Bi and with me being AS we tried to "compromise" and open the door of our marriage a bit to let him fulfill his sexual desires with another. We felt that if it was a man he got involved with, it would be easier on me, but as it turned out, it is not working for either of us. Man or woman, it didn't make a difference. It was still going outside our marriage.

We both have very strong morals about faithfulness in a marriage, and even though I tried hard not to let his "outside activities" effect my feelings for him, it did. We have steadily grown apart over all this. Mostly due to myself loosing my trust and faith in him and pulling back to protect my heart from hurting anymore. But it also effected him, with feelings of guilt, selfishness, and knowing how much his actions were hurting me.

My husband and I talked about our marriage being 99% and sex 1%. He felt getting that 1% wasn't worth loosing any part of the 99, so this is no longer an option in our marriage. He has chosen "us" even if it means having to be abstinent.

I am hoping that with regaining the faithfulness and trust back in our marriage, I will be more open and willing to take part in compromises between us...but time will tell. I do have very strong feelings about sex and not wanting anything to do with it. But since those feelings became even stronger when he first started going outside our marriage, I am wondering if some of it has to do with the hurt and resentment I felt. One thing we both know, is how much all this has brought us even closer together. So I really hope other answers will present itself down the road.

Thanks for listening and letting me get that out :)

:)Cat

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weweweallthewayhome

Good luck, Starcat. I hope it works out for you! It's a very tricky situation, isn't it?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Starcat,

Congrats on deciding to stay together. That's probably half the battle, both of you committing to the marriage all over again.

And I can tell you that going through a divorce sucks.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thank you for the replies and good luck wishes. My apologies for not responding sooner. I forgot to check the email notification and the last few weeks have been filled with one thing after another.

Tricky situation is saying it mildly. I think I will always have a hard time grasping the full spectrum of sexuality, just as he has a hard time understanding mine. But we do have a strong bond and will keep trying as long as we can. I just hope we're not kidding ourselves and skirting the inevitable.

Thanks again

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I just hope we're not kidding ourselves and skirting the inevitable.

There's no "inevitable" - the future will be what you and your husband make it. Good luck!!

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  • 4 weeks later...
There's no "inevitable" - the future will be what you and your husband make it. Good luck!!

That's very true, but for a sexual to live without sex is a very difficult and emotionally taxing situation. It's one thing to be abstinent by choice. Mind you it's still his choice, but it sure seems to come with a big price. I just wonder if the bank will eventually run dry. That's what I meant by the inevitable.

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I can empathize with what you're going through, Starcat. I realized (once I found AVEN) at the end of a 30+-year relationship that my discomfort with sex was because I was basically asexual and finally chose to tell my longtime partner. He did not take it easily, and we have parted because he thought I'd "fooled" him all those years. However, you have been fully disclosing with your mate and you've discussed your feelings, and the fact that you are still together shows you both really care about staying with each other. I know it's hard to "relax" when you feel that someone you love isn't getting what they want. But you could tell yourself that what he wants most is what he has: a relationship with you. Being yourself is all you can do for him.

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