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How do Asexuals feel about themselves?


Ace187

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AVENCakes
Her asexuality should not be the cause of her low self-esteem. However, her low self-esteem and depression may be the cause of her lack of sex-drive. Healthy asexuals have no sex drive but have no issues with how they look or feel.

Asexuals can have a sex drive and still be quite healthy. Well, maybe not *sex*-drive. But they can have libido and get horny and such, just don't want to do anything with it.

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Well here's an update. She's not really happy to see me anymore. Not that she doesn't like hanging out with me she loves talking to me still and has fun with me. She just doesn't seem that happy to see me. Its like oh it's him, instead of her being like Hey, your here! I guess she's kinda upset that im careing more then just a normal friend. But then again our friendship isn't normal. Whatever, I'm just gonna try to get back on her good side for now again with alot of apologizing. Hopefully she wont shut me out.

Also sorry for my last post if it sounded a little fustraited. It just really hurts when someone you consider so close just brushes you aside and makes you feel like your just an average friend. Instead of the comforable, fun and playfull bond we use to have. I don't think I can talk to her about this, she'll just shut me out. Atleast for right now she will.

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It's like a game, really.

A game I used to play... I did hate myself, for a while. Fat and ugly and hideous and stupid... The words would literally chant at me. And that's what I blamed not having a sex drive on (not the other way 'round though). And I'd say things like that to people, shove them away just to see if they'd come back and prove to me that maybe, just maybe, I was worth their time. See if they'd tell me I was pretty (I'd decry it all as LIES!) and get angry at them when they did. Contemplated self-hurt...

Bah.

Then... I dunno.

I grew into my skin, I guess. Don't hate myself anymore. I'm overweight, yeah, but not ugly, hideous or entirely stupid (but I have my moments, heehee...) I make some comments sometimes still, you never quite outgrow the game, or maybe I just haven't yet. I like myself just fine. I'm good enough for people to find sexy, or whatever, but I still don't want sex.

That's a long answer. Sheesh.

Anyway, your friend has some issues. She might find some help in blogging or a therapist, or just time to grow up a little (since she admits she has too?)

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Brit_in_Canada

Well, I'm a bundle of self-negativity, Ace.

I'm told I look like a European/Mediterranean version of 'The Rock', by virtue of my bright green eyes, facial features and bronzed complexion. I hate walking past mirrors in clothing stores and much prefer the archetypal, chiselled, ascetic European look.

I have a PhD in particle physics, but prefer good jokes to long conversations about philosophy, which make me feel like a spoddy nerd.

In clubs, I don't trust people who tell me I'm attractive, but do trust people who tell me I'm not their type, usually the people who are 'my type', unfortunately.

I feel 'odd' because I like all the sensuality that gay people have, but none of the sexuality. In London clubs there are sprawling lounges, where people sit around on the floor chatting. I would nestle against someone's legs and sure enough they would start caressing me with their hand or foot, which is like a sensual feel-good 'drug' to me, without the sexual content. In clubs in Vancouver it is "Why are you leaning against my legs?", which is not dissimilar to my replying "Why do you want to shove your penis up my bottom?". You feel like an alien who's just landed on the set of Little House on the Prairie.

Overall, I concentrate on my research and doing a good job at work. My social life, however, is nonexistent and I fear that with my new job, soon to start, the only friends I shall have are colleagues mainly from China and India but few, if any, gay/asexual Vancouverites.

Well here's an update. She's not really happy to see me anymore. Not that she doesn't like hanging out with me she loves talking to me still and has fun with me. She just doesn't seem that happy to see me. Its like oh it's him, instead of her being like Hey, your here! I guess she's kinda upset that im careing more then just a normal friend. But then again our friendship isn't normal. Whatever, I'm just gonna try to get back on her good side for now again with alot of apologizing. Hopefully she wont shut me out.

Also sorry for my last post if it sounded a little fustraited. It just really hurts when someone you consider so close just brushes you aside and makes you feel like your just an average friend. Instead of the comforable, fun and playfull bond we use to have. I don't think I can talk to her about this, she'll just shut me out. Atleast for right now she will.

I feel for you. Get someone to tell your friend to count their blessings and be grateful they have a decent friend, like you, who cares enough to make the effort ;) .

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ThePieMaker

I actually feel pretty good about myself. I went through the typical teenage angst but came out with a positive image of myself in the end.

Looks wise, I think I'm okay. I'm no beauty, but I'm not an ogre either. I try to keep up my appearance out of self-respect more than anything. I think I have a nice body and have never had a problem with that.

I think I have a pretty good personality too. I'm far from perfect, but I've always had good judgment and am a fairly intelligent person.

I like who I am. There are things I obviously would like to change, but all things considered, I'm a good person and I can be confident about that.

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To Ace 187,

I probably don't know anything about your friend and I'm probably going to get it very wrong however this is coming from someone who is parnoid about his appearance all the time and hates himself physically and felt this way long before I started disliking s*x. I can only talk on the pysical side of things, so if my assumptions are wrong then perhaps its something psychological. First, I would like you to question what clothes she wears, weird but for me I never ever wear anything that clings to my body, I prefer baggy, loose fitting clothes that don't reveal any real aspects of my body. Perhaps, if she does wear clothes that hide ones figure it shows the significance of her apperance over her life (I normally wear a coat or jumper,in the middle of summer (enclosed rhyme! :lol: sorry)) Looking at it from a broader sense I guess you have to look for gestures that lend themselves to hide oneself. For instance I cover my face with one or two hands to cover my uglyness, despite the fact I have fulll knowledge that everyone in my class has seen me and made a judgment on my appearance I guess that shows the importance of ones appearance to oneself and should teach you that everything she does is done for a reason.

Another thing, eye contact :ph34r: can't be done, for me at least. Does your friend look away from you when she talks to you? Because for me thats when all the anxiety comes forth even when I walk down the corridors of my school I look down at the floor just to avoid eye contact, and my body and face always feels exposed. In fact, I may have social anxiety disorder as I feel that these worries begin when i'm outside my house, a symptom i guess sorry digression but... i'm afraid of cars I always think the people inside them are judging me but i daren't look at them because then they'll see me and then if they didn't see me they'll see me then and if they saw me before they'll feel bad and no one wants that, my other worries could go on forever :wacko:. I guess the point there is that u got to keep a keen eye for things that could trigger her off, if its not constant. You may not have noticed because it can be stupid to you but to me and maybe us the feelings control me/us. My friends never guessed the reason I covered my face was to hide it and my mum says that people don't look at you when their driving... I think what I'm trying to say is don't assume anything like my friends and family did. Watch out though I can usually tell when close people are watching/analysing me and think of abot a thousand different bad scenarios maybe she's the same anyways make it conspicous or not obvious.

Any way the last point is that she may have society anxiety disorder I think you should read up about it which can be done by typing in society anxiety disorder into google. I would also ask yourself, when she says she is unnattractive or is her grief spontaneous are constant. Is it when you go to public places ? Does she say negative things like that after you go out maybe? Does she prefer it when its just a few friends? Actually if she is depressed then she may have the product of long term society anxiety disorder so this post could be as useful as :cake: when your not hungry. I could go on for a long time about the other problems I encounter but you don't wan't to know, trust me and most of the main points are already stated. Oh, if this was useful, by a long stretch I would say P.M me but I don't even know how to do it... :unsure:

p.s sorry if you were unfortunate enough to stumble upon my post and I bored you to death :blush:.

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Hello me again... sorry,

After reading the posts again I discorved you were a guy :blink: I'll elborate on that later but I think whats important is that you tell her that there are people like her it always helps people dealing with depression as they think that they're alone and there is no one like them you have to do it and get examples to convince her, like me maybe. Oh yes and most of my hard wriiten post must have been garbage after reading through, really sorry plz recieve my sorryness with :cake:...

About you being a guy, I would say is bad, Ask youself this, who does she want to look good for romantic partners or friends, family etc. I'm pretty certain she's hetros*xual so romantic partners would be men. This means, for my reversed case that if a women looked at me I would more anxious than if another guy looked at me and hers if she was hanging out with a female friend the feelings of uglyness wouldn't be as intense as with a guy. Perhaps by hanging around with you she will have these feelings of anxiety and self-hatred purely because your a guy? Actually, do you comment on other girls perhaps whilst she is around because that may cause her to compare herself to whoever and draw comparisons which make her even more depressed that's what I would do i'm quite pessimistic I know. Maybe she compares what you say to her to what you say to other pretty girls. Like you say to her she's 'pretty' and so to another girl you say she's 'hot.' again picking out descriptive words is what I do a lot. Maybe you say a girl is ugly and remindes her that guys will always evaluate your appearance again leading her to further depression, it could go on forever...

P.S sorry about my constant, probably annoying jokes you must feel really worried about your friend and I'm REALLY SORRY if arritated you please forgive me. Please comment on this so I can edit out the very bad jokes if necessary.

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About you being a guy, I would say is bad, Ask youself this, who does she want to look good for romantic partners or friends, family etc. I'm pretty certain she's hetros*xual so romantic partners would be men. This means, for my reversed case that if a women looked at me I would more anxious than if another guy looked at me and hers if she was hanging out with a female friend the feelings of uglyness wouldn't be as intense as with a guy. Perhaps by hanging around with you she will have these feelings of anxiety and self-hatred purely because your a guy? Actually, do you comment on other girls perhaps whilst she is around because that may cause her to compare herself to whoever and draw comparisons which make her even more depressed that's what I would do i'm quite pessimistic I know. Maybe she compares what you say to her to what you say to other pretty girls. Like you say to her she's 'pretty' and so to another girl you say she's 'hot.' again picking out descriptive words is what I do a lot. Maybe you say a girl is ugly and remindes her that guys will always evaluate your appearance again leading her to further depression, it could go on forever...

(Are they a boy, I can't tell... I don't remember it being mentioned in a post.)

I'm not sure if I'm fully agreeing with that- but it can be a problem. I'm seen as a girl in school (annoys me all to heck), and if a guy got too close or called me pretty or whatever, I'd be a bit edgy that he's interested in dating me. And generally dating involves sex, so some people get edgy if a friend starts acting like that. The "evaluating based on appearances" doesn't help, either.

Sadly, another girl might be a bit better equipped to handle this. I saw a transsexual comic where the joke was that pre-transition the FtM (seen as a girl) could point out smudged lipstick, post-transition (now a boy) if he pointed that out the girl would get mad at him. It's weird, but your gender can make a difference. Some things girls just odn't want to talk about with boys, and vice versa. (this of course varies based on the individual, some are open with both, some prefer talking to the opposite sex, etc)

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I've always disliked it when men compliment me because I think what they really mean is "I want to 'F" you" so I always push them away either physically or by telling them what a horrible person I was. I've gotten better at dealing with compliments now that I am comfortable with myself but that took me until I was in my 40s. I used to always wish that I was unattractive and/or fat so then maybe people wouldn't look at me but with time and lots of therapy I'm ok with it mostly now.

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I like it when people say I'm pretty, because I can believe it when when people say it. I'm not conceited, but I like to think I can be objective and I know I'm not ugly. Because I'm overweight, when a someone says "You have a pretty face" or "I don't even think of you as being overweight", it makes me angry because those kinds of comments are extremely patronizing. It's almost as if they say it because they're actively thinking about me being overweight and are trying to make be feel the opposite. It makes me self-conscious and thus I tend to feel badly about myself. If your friend is convinced that she's ugly then if someone says she's pretty or compliments her, she may feel patronized and be offended. I wouldn't know for sure, but that could be a reason.

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It's really hard to read how she's feeling, Like today she texted me and I called her back and she didn't pick up. Then I read her e-mail that she was canceling our plans. I don't know if she hates me or not but it seems like she's avoiding me for some reason. I don't understand why, school just got out and she set up this time to hang out and she said that stuff came up and she was gonna be busy. And that she was unasking me to hang out with her. I musta done something wrong, I just wish she could tell me and that we could talk it out. She never wants to talk anything out.

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Perhaps she really was busy?

Have you tried approaching her about the topic? Even if she always avoids it, I think eventually you guys will have to talk about it in order to clear things up. Otherwise it just gets awkward and confusing for both parties. :(

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her plans were for another day, I was calling to tell her that we could do something another time. But she never picked up. She could have genuinly been busy, but she never called me back. She has never done that before, ever since I've known her. She's always returned my calls in the 9 months I've known her. It's really hard to talk to her about something when she doesn't answer me. I only called her once, I'm not gonna freak out and start calling her non-stop. Still I'd atleast like to talk to her about it, she seemed to be looking forward to it when I talked to before I got all this bad news.

She could generally be busy, and I did say that monday was my day off from work, maybe she thought I worked alot this week. I didn't tell her that I got a few mor days off because of changes at work. Still the thing that bothers me the most is that 3 mins after I get her text she doesn't answer my call. That's the main part thats got me worried.

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Well, I still think that you should somehow talk to her about it. Do you guys see each other often? Or do you two always have to arrange a time to meet up?

If it so happens that she IS avoiding you...then I think the best you can do in such a situation is to give her some space. If she needs some time to herself to think about things, then give her that. Perhaps after she clears her mind of whatever is troubling her at present, she will come back to you again.

But I do suggest trying to communicate with her first.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Personally, I'm completely at ease with myself, who I am, and the way I look. I don't even wear makeup. I don't think her problem is being asexual, it's something else. That depression, maybe, or some other influence.

Hope she feels better soon, anyway, and hope this helps.

-Katie

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If you like being around her and enjoy her company, but she doesn't like you observing that she's pretty ... then don't tell her that. Show it -- be around her, enjoy her company, share activities with her, etc.

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