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[fairview]

I know you have heard this probably a thousand times over, 'What a relief to know I'm not the only one.' I was sitting here with my laptop and searched the inquiry 'Asexual Women' on a lark because that is what came to mind when I thought of my wife of nearly thirty years. I never thought a useful return would come up.

We are at a crossroads or new phase in our marriage. Married Without Children. I have been trying to find some common ground to justify putting the effort into salvaging this marriage but sadly, I am coming up empty. It is somewhat a relief to know our problems are not unique or confined to our marriage but coincidently it does little to reassure me that there is a long term viable solution. It is truly sad to think that our 30 year investment was for nothing.

I do not know which direction to turn. The desire to remain in our marriage is strong. The desire not to be unhappy is equally strong. The thought of an extra martial relationship, while considered at one point, is equally unacceptable. Emotionally, I feel as if a raging battle is consuming me.

I have experimented with steroids to eliminate my 'sex drive' which I can say was a success. Yet that was only part of the equation for me. The desire for basic human contact remained. That could not be eliminated.

In the nearly thirty years we have been married I have tried everything possible and every possible combination to make intimacy in our marriage more desirable to my spouse. Having found this site, I realize now I have been wasting my time and effort. It's not me, about me, how I talk what I do, don't do, act, don't act and it is really not her or our relationship. It's just the way she came out of her unique one of kind mold. I can not hold that against her. Yet that leaves me with how to solve my issues.

[sonofzeal]

Greetings Fairview, and welcome to AVEN! And my sincere condolences on your difficult situation.

It does indeed sound like you're at an impass. Sexual satisfaction is one thing, but the lack of any kind of physical intimacy can be devistating for some people, and no ammounts of meds or workarounds will make up for it. That said, a total rejection of physical contact is fairly rare even inside the asexual community. Is that what you're talking about here? Does she not hug or cuddle or curl up with you by a fireplace on a winter night?

If that's the case... has she ever been through councelling? In my limited experience, most people (but not all) in that category either have Aspergers Syndrom (or a related/similar phenomenon), or some form of Sexual Aversion Disorder. The good news is, the former can be medicated and the latter can often be treated through sensitive councelling. The bad news for you is, even if one of those is the issue, she may also be legitimately asexual and no ammount of medication or therapy will change that. Still, if I was in your shoes I'd explore those as much as I could before contemplating divorce.

[thylacine]

I know you have heard this probably a thousand times over, 'What a relief to know I'm not the only one.' I was sitting here with my laptop and searched the inquiry 'Asexual Women' on a lark because that is what came to mind when I thought of my wife of nearly thirty years. I never thought a useful return would come up. -> Well, you know what? Looking at the population here, there are asexual men too.

We are at a crossroads or new phase in our marriage. Married Without Children. I have been trying to find some common ground to justify putting the effort into salvaging this marriage but sadly, I am coming up empty. It is somewhat a relief to know our problems are not unique or confined to our marriage but coincidently it does little to reassure me that there is a long term viable solution. It is truly sad to think that our 30 year investment was for nothing. -> What about companionship? Love in itself? Just because there isn't much sex going on, are you going to toss the whole thing out the window? Guess what? I'm asexual (never bothered to marry myself), but I've got lots of married friends, and after a certain timeframe, they're not getting much either, dude. Sorry, but that's what they tell me when we go for coffee. And they whisper, like they think they're unique or something. But I don't think they're as unique as they believe they are. Plenty of long married couples are in separate beds across America. Some of them don't like each other and are too cheap for a lawyer, and for some, it's probably just middle age, boredom, health issues, or a combination. And people sometimes just slow down. You gotta ask yourself, though... is there enough love to sustain you? Friendship, even?

I do not know which direction to turn. The desire to remain in our marriage is strong. The desire not to be unhappy is equally strong. The thought of an extra martial relationship, while considered at one point, is equally unacceptable. Emotionally, I feel as if a raging battle is consuming me. -> I can't make decisions for you. I hope stuff works out. I work for a law firm. Let me just tell yah straight up. A divorce can cost as much as a brand new SUV. And at least the SUV has a CD player in it. The divorce doesn't even come with AM/FM stereo, man!

I have experimented with steroids to eliminate my 'sex drive' which I can say was a success. Yet that was only part of the equation for me. The desire for basic human contact remained. That could not be eliminated. -> We all need contact, even an extremely asexual person like me. Hey... I'm an ice box, but even I don't mind a hug. So, that I can understand.

In the nearly thirty years we have been married I have tried everything possible and every possible combination to make intimacy in our marriage more desirable to my spouse. Having found this site, I realize now I have been wasting my time and effort. It's not me, about me, how I talk what I do, don't do, act, don't act and it is really not her or our relationship. It's just the way she came out of her unique one of kind mold. I can not hold that against her. Yet that leaves me with how to solve my issues. -> You are right to see it's not about you. Remember, just because someone doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't mean they don't love you. Well, good luck. Do some deep thinking before making any big changes.