Going Out on a Limb Here

[genwiz314]

As I've tried to say in as many posts as I can incorperate it into, I'm an author. Recently, I started reading a lot of romance novels in an attempt to better understand the way a sexual relationship works. Before this curiosity got the better of me, I generally skipped over the parts about sex. However, getting into the genra of romance, and wanting to do some of these justice, I realized I was going to have to start asking questions of real people instead of relying on what they write. Even though I was kinda curious about these things even before I started writing about them. I'd like anyone who has had experience to share some of their veiws.

So here goes...

Sorry if some of them sound a little perverted.

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

I might think of some more if anyone is willing to answer some of these, but for anyone who does...

Thanks bunches!

And sorry again if I gross anyone out

[lastditchattempt]

You should stick to what you know. Especially if you think any of those questions are "perverted."

As I've tried to say in as many posts as I can incorperate it into, I'm an author. Recently, I started reading a lot of romance novels in an attempt to better understand the way a sexual relationship works. Before this curiosity got the better of me, I generally skipped over the parts about sex. However, getting into the genra of romance, and wanting to do some of these justice, I realized I was going to have to start asking questions of real people instead of relying on what they write. Even though I was kinda curious about these things even before I started writing about them. I'd like anyone who has had experience to share some of their veiws.

So here goes...

Sorry if some of them sound a little perverted.

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

I might think of some more if anyone is willing to answer some of these, but for anyone who does...

Thanks bunches!

And sorry again if I gross anyone out

[genwiz314]

You should stick to what you know. Especially if you think any of those questions are "perverted."

As I've tried to say in as many posts as I can incorperate it into, I'm an author. Recently, I started reading a lot of romance novels in an attempt to better understand the way a sexual relationship works. Before this curiosity got the better of me, I generally skipped over the parts about sex. However, getting into the genra of romance, and wanting to do some of these justice, I realized I was going to have to start asking questions of real people instead of relying on what they write. Even though I was kinda curious about these things even before I started writing about them. I'd like anyone who has had experience to share some of their veiws.

So here goes...

Sorry if some of them sound a little perverted.

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

I might think of some more if anyone is willing to answer some of these, but for anyone who does...

Thanks bunches!

And sorry again if I gross anyone out

I was afraid other people would find them perverted, I personally wonder and think about them alot, but that's about as far as it goes for me. Curiosity has always been the bane of my existence, and I stand firm behind my addage to Mark Twain. I didn't mean for it to sound like I thought it was all perverted or to insult anybody

[Olivier]

I'll happily try to help :) Bear in mind though that everyone is different, and that even sexual people will have hugely divergent views on some of these questions.

1) I've heard so horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

No, it doesn't hurt all the time. If it did, less people would do it. But it can be painful, especially if people are naive and think they can take the same approach to it as vaginal sex.

If you are going to include it in your writing, then it probably pays to do some research on the subject, and as a favour to the anal-curious everywhere, DO NOT write about anal sex without explicitly mentioning the use of lube (and saliva does not count). While lube is not essential for pain-free anal for everyone, it is for most. Relaxation and a slow lead up also help. I found a decent article here but there are plenty of others on the web if you look.

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

Completely varies. Sorry to be unhelpful, but it does. Commonly, negotiations about "how far to go" are wordless, with one partner going a little further, and waiting to see if there's a negative reaction (moving a hand away, or being told "no", or "not yet"). If nobody's saying "no" then you know you're on the same page sexually. Or else people just ask - makes the whole process quicker :)

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

Quickie: couple of minutes. When my wife and I were trying to get pregnant, we perfected the three minute quickie - five minutes tops from fully dressed to fully dressed. Normally though, I saw a study (can't find it now - sorry) that asked people to rate their preferred duration of actual penetrative sex, and the winner was 7-13 minutes. But most people will prefer shorter sometimes, and longer sometimes (and others will prefer shorter always, and others longer always).

Now that's duration of penetrative sex. Oral, especially cunnilingus, can take longer, and including foreplay etc - now you're talking anything from he same three minutes to all night (or day).

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

Again, it completely varies. For some people it's months, for others - hours. Personally I've had relationships where we waited months, and those relationships didn't work out, and with my wife who is perfect for me (and asexual) we actually had sex before we thought of ourselves as a couple. Go figure - the world's a strange place.

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

Well if both partners are approaching sex as a giving thing, then you're giving a gift, and feel good about it if you get the reaction "that's exactly what I wanted" and with luck, you also get given a gift that's what you wanted, too. By offering something so private as a gift, you are taking a risk of rejection or ridicule of yourself. That's a vulnerable thing to do. Knowing that you are loved enough for your partner to take that risk for you, and taking that risk yourself and not being rejected is an emotional thing for sexuals. Find a thread here called "what it's like to be sexual" - good stuff in there, too.

Hope some of that helps!

[genwiz314]

Yes, thanks bunches!

I knew it was different for everyone, that's why I was hoping a bunch of people would post, so I could compare notes :)

[sonofzeal]

Yes, thanks bunches!

I knew it was different for everyone, that's why I was hoping a bunch of people would post, so I could compare notes :)

In that case, I may as well speak up and say I totally agree with what Olivier said, but here goes anyway.

1) Anal penetration requires a lot of practice with smaller objects, relaxation, and lube, but it doesn't HAVE to hurt. I've never tried anything involving that part of the anatomy, but I know there's a lot of things that can be done short of straight penetration, and a lot of them are quite pleasurable and not at all painful. And then there's people for whom the pain aspect functions as a bit of an intensifier, making the whole experience more intense.

2) Hard for me to say. Sexual attraction for me does happen, but it's exceedingly rare and requires a deep bond. My impression is that it's communicated nonverbally, by seeking physical contact in subtle ways - sitting so your legs are touching, and stroking the other person's hands, are two ways I've heard of. There's also a peculiar impish grin that most sexuals will recognize immediately.

3) You mean, how quickly can people build to orgasm? Depends very much on the person, and how hormonal they are at the time. A guy with his sex drive peaking could probably get his load off in under a minute if he wanted to; female anatomy seems designed to build much more smoothly, rather than spiking like males tend to, so I couldn't say there. Still, I'd take Oliver's "three minutes" as a nice baseline minimum for quickies, with non-quickies going anywhere from 15 minutes to 2-3 hours, depending on the temperments, tastes, and attention spans of the people involved. Most of that is likely to be some elaborate and extended form of foreplay though (or rather a series of types of foreplay), with the actual penetration-trying-to-get-off part only occupying a small portion of that time.

4) Maybe a month of dating is a good minimum, but honestly the question is too loaded to give a single number. I'd generally say the longer the better. Still, a month seems like a reasonable milestone.

5) I hope you'll agree that the act sex is intimate, and that intimacy is emotionally fulfilling. Anything that leaves you that open and vulnerable is intimate on some level, even though a lot of people try to ignore that aspect. I mean, how comfortable would you have to be with someone to allow them to see you naked? How would it feel to know that the person you love is that comfortable with you? Unless you're completely jaded to the whole thing, or were pressured into it, it's a powerful experience even without the massive flood of endorphins that tends to happen.

[CierraJo]

I am just laughing to myself & I have to say that 13-minute sex feels like an ETERNITY to me...I guess that is why I'm A!!! Funny that even having had all the sex I have, I've never timed it. I'm sure it's actually quicker than it feels to me though. My b/f told me he once had sex for several hours, and that he would like to do that to me - but I think I may actually kill myself around the 45 minute mark. ;)

[live wire]

Recently, I started reading a lot of romance novels in an attempt to better understand the way a sexual relationship works.

I was about to say that that sounds a bit like watching Dr. Who to learn about reversing the earth's rotation but as you did that bit for me I guess I'll lend you a hand answering the questions as best I can. ^_^

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

Not always. Similarly to vaginal sex, anal only hurts if the recipient isn't relaxed/turned on enough. Simple ways to minimise pain are to massage the sphincter with an index finger (maybe with a condom/fingerdom/glove on), going slowly to start with and taking a little at a time and, as sonofzeal said, starting with smaller objects designed for the purpose. Don't use candles, vegetables, fruit, beer bottles or anything else loosely phallic in shape that isn't a sex toy, the people in A&E have enough horror stories to tell you about all of those objects and more getting lost inside people. Every time it happens it gets a little less funny.

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

There's a huge scale of hints for this one. It ranges roughly from the Blunt & Verbal "I wanna lick your cock" through to a super subtle glance downwards for a second while in each others arms followed by a head nod in the direction of an exit. It also takes a strange turn in the verbal section to include you can use my shower if you feel like it. Make of that what you will.

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

A quicky is all about the finish line and the quickest of all can last only a matter of seconds (provided its a handjob in a toilet cubicle) while it is indeed true that sex can last for hours at a time. Easy to do if you include lots of massaging (of the whole body, not just the sexual organs) and changing to pseudo-sexual acts after one or more people have climaxed before having sex again.

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

My opinion is that that none of my business. people can and will get it together even on the day they first meet. Those same people might be friends with someone for years and may not have sex with them at all. It really is just down to the people involved.

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

Probably in the same way that a shoulder to cry on helps from time to time. Weather you're the one doing the crying or the one offering support, you can feel that being there, doing that, right then is helping the both of you a whole lot.

And sorry again if I gross anyone out

No problem my dear, just stop reading the trashy romance novelists. You don't want to turn into one of them.

[Guest]

there are a lot of nerve endings in your ass so it can feel quite good. relax, relax, relax! and use good lubrication.

[genwiz314]

I was about to say that that sounds a bit like watching Dr. Who to learn about reversing the earth's rotation but as you did that bit for me I guess I'll lend you a hand answering the questions as best I can. ^_^

No problem my dear, just stop reading the trashy romance novelists. You don't want to turn into one of them.

I figured I should get some help when I discovered that most of the ones I was reading had this whole "destined to be together" stuff running the show

[JustJudy]

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

I agree with the others if lube is used it's not painful and hey you don't have to look at the other person

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

Usually you can tell with a look, a smile, a wink, a touch

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

Entirely too long in my opinion but my ex husband was good on the quickie just a couple of minutes 2-4 before he'd roll off and start snoring

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

A lifetime... but when I was expirementing and trying to be like everyone else...anywhere from a few hours like someone else said to a few dates

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

I never understood nor felt this one

[mellierae2002]

Those romance novels are NOT information! You're doing the right thing by asking real people. Those novels exagerate everything! I should now, I absolutly love them!! lol Just letting you know you shouldn't trust a single word in those books. :)

[sexless sexual]

Those romance novels are NOT information! You're doing the right thing by asking real people. Those novels exagerate everything! I should now, I absolutly love them!! lol Just letting you know you shouldn't trust a single word in those books. :)

It's not just that they exaggerate. You must understand that romance novels are really written fantasies.

We all fantasize, and not just sexually. Fantasies, dreams, hopes ... these drive us forward. Fantasies are healthy. I have lots of fantasies about bondage, for instance. But I know they are fantasies, only. When I was younger, I would read the romance novels known as "bodice-rippers." The "heroine" was always taken against her will by the handsome hero, and they fell in love after. I.e., a rape fantasy. I found them highly erotic at the time. But that didn't mean I secretly wished to be raped. Outside of fantasy-land, I well understand the true horror of rape. It's not sexy. It's not even sexual. I have no desire to rape or be raped. That is not the fantasy.

So, you have to start with the realization that pornography, erotica and romance all exaggerate because that is their purpose.

It's called fiction for a reason.

[Guest Heligan]

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

Umm ok, it doesnt hurt that much if you are quite drunk at the time.

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

Yeah looks, gestures, banter, inviting you to go somewhere more private/for coffee etc, kissing you is a giveaway that things are going in that direction, but sadly groping seems to come first these days (romance is dead)

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

Its not like you time it, and its all a bit relative. Anything from seconds (premature ejaculation stuff) to hours (if you try to delay it ending or are doing tantric stuff). Roughly, maybe 20-40 mins.

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

Well its better if you dont wait so long that one of you dies before you get it on... I talk from experience, this is not a good outcome!

I suppose a month or two, is reasonable. But honestly sex with someone you even vaguely care for, is something you are more likely to regret not doing than regret doing. If you even think you love em, I would say go for it.

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

Its a bit like a hug is fulfilling, you cant quite work out why but it feel good....and its knackering, so theres the exercise hormnone kick too.

[sexless sexual]

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time 2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures? 3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise? 4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens? 5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

1. I've not experienced it. I asked a friend who has. She has had it both ways. She was molested as a child, anally. It was really, really, really painful, and in fact, left her with some physical harm. However, she has also had it done "right" by her lover -- and it is very, very,very wonderful, and she likes it.

So, the answer is: depends on how it is done. The anal sphincter is extremely tight and sensitive. Insertion requires a LOT of lubrication, and unlike the vagina, the anus does not produce any. Slow, kind, loving ... it all makes a difference. My friend told me that it hurts initially, but then spreads into a pleasurable high. Helps if done when she is already fairly aroused. Arousal produces neuro-chemicals in the brain that block pain.

2. Yes to look, gesture. Sometimes they will tell you. Sometimes, you ask. Not usually on first date, but there are exceptions. However, none of this really tells you if you are matched. It's easy to tell someone desires you. (Look in the eyes, body language, leaning near you and wanting to touch you in small ways, bringing conversation to sexual innuendo ...) How much, and whether it is the way you also feel ... that takes real communication. Deliberate communication.

3. This is highly variable. There is no average. Really. Age, phase of relationship, other things going on in their lives, how long since they last indulged ... all of these can affect how long a couple wants to go at any given time. Sometimes a quickie can be highly erotic (He pushes you against the wall, and goes for it.) Long, loving, focused love-making is also highly erotic.

4. I don't think there's a specific time minimum. What I do think is necessary is 1) trust enough to engage in sex and know it won't be dangerous; 2) either sufficient emotional involvement to make it pleasurable OR both parties to be after just hot sex with no attachment whatsoever; 3) the emotional maturity to handle sex. (highly variable.)

5. I can only speak for myself. There is no touch more intimate than having my husband inside me. He is the only one to whom I am that close. It is a physical and emotional demonstration of just how much we do love each other, and how close we are. During sex I can touch him, feel him, memorize him, smell him -- all ways in which we also get physically and emotionally close. During sex, he touches me, touches every inch of my body -- again, a privilege only he has. It is special. It is our love made manifest.

Yeah, that's extremely emotional, and emotionally fulfilling. Love made manifest.

[mad_scientist]

On the topic of anal sex, it isn't supposed to hurt. If it hurts, you're doing it wrong and risking injury and infection. Even hardcore BDSM groups usually advise strongly against using anal sex to cause pain because of the risk of infection when tissues in the anus and colon are damaged.

[Raisin]

I am just laughing to myself & I have to say that 13-minute sex feels like an ETERNITY to me...I guess that is why I'm A!!! Funny that even having had all the sex I have, I've never timed it. I'm sure it's actually quicker than it feels to me though. My b/f told me he once had sex for several hours, and that he would like to do that to me - but I think I may actually kill myself around the 45 minute mark. ;)

That was my reaction, too - I always imagine sex as taking about five minutes, tops. Then again, I have the attention span of a fruit fly, so doing *anything* for 13 minutes (or worse - 45) would no doubt end with me being bored and whiny.

[Sally]

1) I've heard some horror stories, so I was wondering if anal sex hurts all the time

I agree with the others if lube is used it's not painful and hey you don't have to look at the other person

2) When you meet someone, how do you know if they share your feelings about wanting sex? Is it a look, gestures?

Usually you can tell with a look, a smile, a wink, a touch

3) How long does it last on average? Quickie or otherwise?

Entirely too long in my opinion but my ex husband was good on the quickie just a couple of minutes 2-4 before he'd roll off and start snoring

4) In your opinion how long should you be together before sex happens?

A lifetime... but when I was expirementing and trying to be like everyone else...anywhere from a few hours like someone else said to a few dates

5) I read somewhere on this site that sex is emotionally fulfilling. Um...how so?

I never understood nor felt this one

What she said, exactly.

By the way, I don't see what you're asking is "perverted" and I don't understand why anyone else would. They're natural questions.

[Cerberus]

1) It shouldn't. If you have anal sex and it hurts, that's your body's way of telling you that you are doing it wrong and any partner that doesn't respect that is a rapist, full stop. I despise the whole "it hurts your first time" "anal sex hurts at first" urban legends, because it promotes painful, destructive, and unecessary rapes. Anal sex should be properly initiated by using plenty of lube and very very slowly inserting, resting and massaging for a slow build-up to build the elasticity. It does not require you to be turned on. In fact, an experiment with a gf is how I discovered that a) I quite probably have no prostate and b) You can work up to a full fist without ANY erotic pleasure or pain or any "sore sitting down" aftereffects. And with that TMI, I'll move along.

2) No idea, I'm the asexual one of our pair. As an outside behavior, I've seen the chemistry in life looking a lot like a focused eye-contact and a slight relaxation of the eyes as you would see on a pothead, but with a vibrant and energetic smile. It also lingers afterwards.

3) Don't do PIV, no idea. I think the numbers are often inflated because people don't count "foreplay" as part of the sex nor any of the non sexual act sex stuff such as flirting itself, massages, hugs and kisses that all can be part of foreplay for sexuals.

4) Well, my partner and I didn't wait long at all before being intimate like that and I'm asexual and she was a lot more sexphobic back then coming off some really bad relationships, so I don't think there is or should be a time limit before sex. Especially these days as we move out of puritan ideas about sex and more into a general respect for enthusiastic consent.

5) Sex can be a bonding experience. For sexuals it can release endorphins which are released in any pleasurable activity and it can be a fundamental need on kin with the need to eat or feel loved by someone. As such the effects can stem far beyond the mere physicality to a refreshment and a means to shortcut "feeling connected" to someone. As an asexual, I've gotten emotional satisfaction from aiding sex acts merely from the pleasure of bringing a loved one pleasure so yeah.

[AVENCakes]

1) It shouldn't. If you have anal sex and it hurts, that's your body's way of telling you that you are doing it wrong and any partner that doesn't respect that is a rapist, full stop. I despise the whole "it hurts your first time" "anal sex hurts at first" urban legends, because it promotes painful, destructive, and unecessary rapes. Anal sex should be properly initiated by using plenty of lube and very very slowly inserting, resting and massaging for a slow build-up to build the elasticity. It does not require you to be turned on. In fact, an experiment with a gf is how I discovered that a) I quite probably have no prostate and b) You can work up to a full fist without ANY erotic pleasure or pain or any "sore sitting down" aftereffects. And with that TMI, I'll move along.

Does the same go for vaginal sex? I've always heard it hurts at first and I'm curious if there's a way to make it not, because that just seems messed up. I think my biggest issue with sexuals is that your first time is apparently doomed to hurt- why on earth would you go back after?

[Cerberus]

Does the same go for vaginal sex? I've always heard it hurts at first and I'm curious if there's a way to make it not, because that just seems messed up. I think my biggest issue with sexuals is that your first time is apparently doomed to hurt- why on earth would you go back after?

Yup, the first time hurts thing is also a myth as is the bleeding virgin myth. It's actually a sign that you're doing it wrong if you cause bleeding or pain on the first time. It means you did not use lube, warm-up, and with the vagina, arousal. Penetration should not hurt and if it does, you need to stop immediately because continuation "through the pain" is a recipe for dealing longer-lasting damage to the organs and tissue and can cause inner rips that are a pain to get rid of.

It's also one of the big reasons why the whole "you don't know until you try" advice for women is inherently evil advice, the other of course being the lack of respect for enthusiastic consent.

[mad_scientist]

Does the same go for vaginal sex? I've always heard it hurts at first and I'm curious if there's a way to make it not, because that just seems messed up. I think my biggest issue with sexuals is that your first time is apparently doomed to hurt- why on earth would you go back after?

Yup, the first time hurts thing is also a myth as is the bleeding virgin myth. It's actually a sign that you're doing it wrong if you cause bleeding or pain on the first time. It means you did not use lube, warm-up, and with the vagina, arousal. Penetration should not hurt and if it does, you need to stop immediately because continuation "through the pain" is a recipe for dealing longer-lasting damage to the organs and tissue and can cause inner rips that are a pain to get rid of.

It's also one of the big reasons why the whole "you don't know until you try" advice for women is inherently evil advice, the other of course being the lack of respect for enthusiastic consent.

Really? I was always told that breaking the hymen was supposed to hurt. If that's not the case then its prevalence in fiction says some pretty nasty things about how prevalent unnecessary pain must be in real life situations. Are you sure about this?

[Dyami]

From what I understand most virgins are pretty young, so they're overenthusiastic, inexperienced, and as Cereberus said "They're doing it wrong."

I can't speak as to sex, but I can say that the first time I used a tampon it didn't hurt to insert, break anything, or cause any (more) bleeding. I'm decently sure that even though it was smaller than a phallus it would have had a similar effect if I'd jammed it up there wildly instead of easing it in. *cough*

[Sally]

Even if you do it right (first-time sex), it can hurt, because most of the time the male organ is tearing through some tissue. Some women have thin hymens, some have thick; some hymens are already broken. But breaking the hymen doesn't cause lasting damage. Otherwise, most of us who've had sex would be going around with damaged organs, and that's not the case.

[Cerberus]

Really? I was always told that breaking the hymen was supposed to hurt. If that's not the case then its prevalence in fiction says some pretty nasty things about how prevalent unnecessary pain must be in real life situations. Are you sure about this?

Yes, this is the consensus of most sex and sexuality experts. The hymen isn't even supposed to break during your first penetrative sex and many women have already lost their hymens naturally before their first sex act. The unecessary pain angle is merely an excuse for the low weight we give to proper sex education in this country and to the importance of mutual pleasure and enthusiastic consent in sexual acts. Many people don't even know the importance of lube and foreplay until they are "more experienced" and that probably also adds greatly to the power of the myth.

Of course, my suspicions are that it's mostly due to the low priority we give female pleasure in sex education and also how a lot of our ideas of masculinity seem more rooted in the ability to punish the feminine, than to genuinely praise the good aspects of masculinity (fitness, athleticism, stating your desires clearly and unapologetically).

But yeah, short answer, it's a myth. First time is definitely not supposed to hurt.

[Cerberus]

Even if you do it right (first-time sex), it can hurt, because most of the time the male organ is tearing through some tissue. Some women have thin hymens, some have thick; some hymens are already broken. But breaking the hymen doesn't cause lasting damage. Otherwise, most of us who've had sex would be going around with damaged organs, and that's not the case.

Well no one needs to be driven to the hospital, but it does increase risk of infection, potential pH imbalances, and a risk of yeast infections or recurring tears or softer vaginal wall tissue (aka sensitive tissue and not in the sexy way). It is basically the same short-term risk caused by any inter-vaginal tearing. Unlikely to be permanent or hospital requiring, but still an unecessary pain and tear that is greatly alleviated by going slowly and ensuring lube and proper relaxation of the vaginal muscles by arousal and slow-build-up.

It's a lot like cutting your forearm on a branch. It's not going to disfigure you and it goes away pretty quickly, but it's also an uneccesary pain and a sign that you weren't taking the right way home.

[sonofzeal]

Well no one needs to be driven to the hospital, but it does increase risk of infection, potential pH imbalances, and a risk of yeast infections or recurring tears or softer vaginal wall tissue (aka sensitive tissue and not in the sexy way). It is basically the same short-term risk caused by any inter-vaginal tearing. Unlikely to be permanent or hospital requiring, but still an unecessary pain and tear that is greatly alleviated by going slowly and ensuring lube and proper relaxation of the vaginal muscles by arousal and slow-build-up.

It's a lot like cutting your forearm on a branch. It's not going to disfigure you and it goes away pretty quickly, but it's also an uneccesary pain and a sign that you weren't taking the right way home.

I think the word you mean is "intravaginal", not "intervaginal".

But... I think it depends on the person. Not all vagoos are the same, and some can accommodate the male comfortably the first time and some can't, no matter what you do. Foreplay will help dilate it and produce some natural lube, but my understanding is there's still some internal adjustment that needs to take place in most women, depending on how "well-endowed" the male is. The birth canal will eventually be able to accommodate a baby, but I think all you women out there can vouch that until then, space down there is a bit limited (check out the thread on menstrual cups for some discussion on this). If the space is too small and the man is too big... well, the body is pretty good about adjusting itself, but it's going to hurt in the mean time. Extensive foreplay definitely helps though.

[Sally]

We have to remember that the woman isn't the only person involved, and thus doesn't completely control the situation. That's putting all the responsibility on a woman for what a man does. Sex (for a man, definitely) is not an act in which the intellect controls. Expecting the woman to be able to control what her first experience worse than expecting a woman to be able to make certain a man wears a rubber. With the latter, the woman has the choice of not participating if he doesn't; with the first-time sex experience, you're already into the experience before you know how the man will behave.

[mad_scientist]

Really? I was always told that breaking the hymen was supposed to hurt. If that's not the case then its prevalence in fiction says some pretty nasty things about how prevalent unnecessary pain must be in real life situations. Are you sure about this?

Yes, this is the consensus of most sex and sexuality experts. The hymen isn't even supposed to break during your first penetrative sex and many women have already lost their hymens naturally before their first sex act. The unecessary pain angle is merely an excuse for the low weight we give to proper sex education in this country and to the importance of mutual pleasure and enthusiastic consent in sexual acts. Many people don't even know the importance of lube and foreplay until they are "more experienced" and that probably also adds greatly to the power of the myth.

Of course, my suspicions are that it's mostly due to the low priority we give female pleasure in sex education and also how a lot of our ideas of masculinity seem more rooted in the ability to punish the feminine, than to genuinely praise the good aspects of masculinity (fitness, athleticism, stating your desires clearly and unapologetically).

But yeah, short answer, it's a myth. First time is definitely not supposed to hurt.

This adds a sort of creepy level to the prevalence of the painful first time in erotic fiction for women.

[Cerberus]

I think the word you mean is "intravaginal", not "intervaginal".

But... I think it depends on the person. Not all vagoos are the same, and some can accommodate the male comfortably the first time and some can't, no matter what you do. Foreplay will help dilate it and produce some natural lube, but my understanding is there's still some internal adjustment that needs to take place in most women, depending on how "well-endowed" the male is. The birth canal will eventually be able to accommodate a baby, but I think all you women out there can vouch that until then, space down there is a bit limited (check out the thread on menstrual cups for some discussion on this). If the space is too small and the man is too big... well, the body is pretty good about adjusting itself, but it's going to hurt in the mean time. Extensive foreplay definitely helps though.

Whoops, yeah, sorry.

Well what you describe still isn't "good" tearing. If a man is "too" big, then there needs to be an even larger amount of foreplay and stretching exercise to slowly work up the canal before even trying penetration and the man must now go even slower as there is an even more pronounced threat of painful tears and as always the pain is a warning sign from your body.

In fact, pushing through a bigger person and trying to "grin and bear your way through it" is a really bad idea. My SO has nearly perpetual inner tears and vaginal wall sensitivity from trying to force it with a previous partner and it has caused no end of environmental problems as well. It is also more likely to not only increase in pain but make it even harder to try again in any meaningful fashion.

I have no doubt people have survived it, just as the overwhelming number of women out there who have been raped have survived and recovered from the physical symptoms of their ordeals, but that doesn't magically make it natural or desirable. Pain is always your body's way of warning you about an activity. In sex, this is nearly always a call to slow down and add lube or to go back a step and work on stretching.

The same principle is partially at play in giving birth. When you feel a burning from potential tears, they slow down and try and get more lubrication and stretching to the area before you proceed. A ripped vagina isn't a happy vagina.