JustJudy Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hi, this is my first post I just found this site today and WOW! I had no idea there was a community of people who think like me! I think I've known I was asexual all my life although I had no idea that's what it was called. I spent about 30 years trying to be "like everyone else", married had a child, divorced, married and divorced a second time; I couldn't accept my disgust for all things sexual so I was alcoholic for most of those 30 years as well and while drunk had sex with dozens of men. All the men including my husbands couldn't believe I was truly grossed out by sex when sober and they all thought they "could change me". Just in the last 10 years (I'm 51) have I begun to accept that no, their wasn't something wrong with each and every one of the men I'd been with, the "problem" was with me (although I no longer see it as a "problem"). I have been in and out of therapy over the years and the docs always said "you just need to meet the right man", when I finally accepted ME I felt such an immense freedom! and joy! I am who I am, period. I like men, as friends, God blessed me with a very attractive face and body and I love to look good, I like to flirt (a little), I like hugs and snuggling, I think the sex act is gross for me--fine for others but I don't want to see nor hear about it. I don't remember ever really having sexual desires, I enjoy looking at attractive people of course just as I enjoy looking at beautiful artwork, but neither gives me a sexual urge; and ever time I had sex with a man I couldn't stand the site of him afterwards including my 2 husbands. I could ramble on but I'd bore y'all so Hi, I'm happy to have found this place! Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Hi. Welcome to AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
*Gary-A* Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Just Judy Speaking for myself I would like to thank you for being so honest and telling us about yourself. Don't ever worry about rambling or boring anyone here because we're all here to try to support each other - Some need more support then others but I think that we all need it to a point. Yes: I really enjoy it when others say "You just havn't meet the right person yet" Yes that is ture to a point - What I mean is it would be nice to find another asexual that you can full in love with and live happy ever after - LoL. but this is real life and it may never happen and for some it does happen. But how many sexual active people turly fulls in love, are really happy or are still in love after the sexual feelings wears off. On the other hand a asexual is looking at the person in a totality different way. I am sorry that you had to go through so much in life to reach this point but everyone here on Aven are so supporting of each other. Welcome and enjoy - asexual is what you want it to be - I mean you can be happy or unhappy it's totality up to you and no one else but you. Personaly I wouldn't have it any other way. Proud to be Asexual :D Gary-A Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Welcome Judy, have some more cake But how many sexual active people turly fulls in love, are really happy or are still in love after the sexual filling wears off. On the other hand a asexual is looking at the person in a totality different way. Plenty of sexual people fall truly in love (however you define love) - sex is the sole basis for very, very few relationships. Sexuals look at those they love in exactly the same way as asexuals (in my experience) except that they are driven to express that love in different ways - in fact, mostly in the same ways, plus sex. As Judy said, understanding that asexuals experience things differently helped her see that the men who wanted sex in a relationship weren't "broken" (or sex-obsessed, or shallow), they were just "sexual". Difference doesn't mean inferiority, and people on both ends of the sexual/asexual spectrum should know that. Acceptance works both ways, and as Judy said, self-acceptance is the most important of all. Link to post Share on other sites
rhyven Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 welcome! enjoyed your opening lines. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Welcome JJ - no not boring! I think most of us can relate to parts (or even nearly all) you've written. I also spent a lifetime trying to 'fit in' thinkiking that I was the one who was at fault. Yes, it is liberating to find that there are (many, many) others out there who fel the same. So enjoy...have some welcome , pull up a chair and relax. You're among friends. Tan Link to post Share on other sites
JustJudy Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks for the welcome! Is that a piece of cake your offering?? If it's chocolate I'll have 2! Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica Soprano Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Nice Post. Hi, welcome, and have some to swill down the you'll be offered. :) Link to post Share on other sites
starcat Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Welcome Judy and nice to meet you :) There does seem to be all kinds of different situations on the boards here, but what rings true for all, is finding out that we are not alone, and the feelings we have are shared by many. I'm glad you found Aven as the people here are all very friendly and supportive. Seems to be a tradition to hand out some cake...so here you go I made it chocolate for you too :) Link to post Share on other sites
Just-Being-Me Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Hi, this is my first post I just found this site today and WOW! I had no idea there was a community of people who think like me! I think I've known I was asexual all my life although I had no idea that's what it was called. I spent about 30 years trying to be "like everyone else", married had a child, divorced, married and divorced a second time; I couldn't accept my disgust for all things sexual so I was alcoholic for most of those 30 years as well and while drunk had sex with dozens of men. All the men including my husbands couldn't believe I was truly grossed out by sex when sober and they all thought they "could change me". Just in the last 10 years (I'm 51) have I begun to accept that no, their wasn't something wrong with each and every one of the men I'd been with, the "problem" was with me (although I no longer see it as a "problem"). I have been in and out of therapy over the years and the docs always said "you just need to meet the right man", when I finally accepted ME I felt such an immense freedom! and joy! I am who I am, period. I like men, as friends, God blessed me with a very attractive face and body and I love to look good, I like to flirt (a little), I like hugs and snuggling, I think the sex act is gross for me--fine for others but I don't want to see nor hear about it. I don't remember ever really having sexual desires, I enjoy looking at attractive people of course just as I enjoy looking at beautiful artwork, but neither gives me a sexual urge; and ever time I had sex with a man I couldn't stand the site of him afterwards including my 2 husbands. I could ramble on but I'd bore y'all so Hi, I'm happy to have found this place! WARM GREETINGS JUSTJUDY ! Yup! Wow, it is interesting. Almost the same situation except after a divorce even have one adult son (luckily my best friend :) ), thank goodness I didn't get into excessive drugs or alcohol (no offense intended), yet still went for therapy and even my Doctor stated that maybe I didn't meet the right person, and/or "why don't I like sex" (I hear that alot!) . It does get frustrating. The worst part of it all is when many people even as I was growing up (I am presently 52 years of age Male), many asked if I was "raped" or sexually beaten somehow -- something of a negative happening which involved sex - geez. I don't know how many times I had to say "NO" and trying to explain myself was much more difficult when it came to why I wasn't interested and/or really 'turned on' with sex activity especially the "norm" expectations duh. Many said that "something was definitely wrong with me" and that I would never meet anyone like me lol. Then I got to a point that I said "Fine, then if I have to be myself, at least, just being me, then so be it but I am very uncomfortable with the feeling of 'force'/'pressure' especially about the same ole, same ole subject/topic of sex! IT IS SO OVER-RATED! It is as if one don't have sex, then it is like having no food and water - geez. Well I hope I can "prove" them wrong, but even moreso, "prove to myself" there is a possibility that I can have a true loving and loyal relationship without the necessity even better not having all this sex that is a "MUST" :( . One good thing about here - these forums - at least I can express myself without all the "NOT NORMAL WITHOUT SEX", "SOMETHING IS TOTALLY WRONG AND/OR NOT RIGHT WITH YOU", "Need Counselling (to change my feelings about it), and/or "Have You Been Abused!" which was the biggy!! Darn! Well, Be Well, Yours, from, JUST-BEING-ME :D Link to post Share on other sites
Roxie Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Guess what? I did find a guy once that really "rocked my world" in the sack as the saying goes. We had lots of really good sex and I was happy for a few months, but then he got comfortable or thought he owned me. Then he moved in with me prematurely, I wasn't ready, but caved in. But as time wore on, his true persona began to emerge once he was firmly embedded in my house and my life and he ended up being the biggest pain-in-the-arse, an incredibly prolific complainer, criticizer, negativo, nit-picker, lazy-arse that I couldn't wait to extricate him from my life... took about 5 years.... my fault. Point is, too many relationships are focused way too much on sex,.... when did we do "it" last? was it good for you? did I please you? when can we do it next? are we doing it enough? can we do it this way, that way? wear something sexy? keep your hair long? get boob implants? don't wear comfy clothes? don't wear flannel in winter, it's not sexy? ENOUGH ALREADY! If relationships are based on asexuality, then the true essence of relating can be allowed to grow and expand. If sex ever does happen, it should be like a special event, destination that is enjoyed those few and far between times. It's the quality, not the quantity. But because many males have excessive testosterone flooding their veins and brains, sex focus is out of whack.... which is why I think millions of women are so bored with sex for much of time,but go along of numerous reasons. Then, the sex drive gets driven out of their bodies by pestering men. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 That may not really be true of us asexuals. Sex will never be "special" to me; it certainly never was, and that wasn't dependent on the guy involved. There's nothing on earth I can imagine anyone could do or be that would make me look forward to sex. Disappointment with sex/relationships can drive you to be celibate, but asexuality is really different. Link to post Share on other sites
< retired > Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 But because many males have excessive testosterone flooding their veins and brains, sex focus is out of whack.... which is why I think millions of women are so bored with sex for much of time,but go along of numerous reasons. Then, the sex drive gets driven out of their bodies by pestering men. If you could walk around in my pajamas for a few years you might sing a different song. It's the women who are the sexual predators while we men just meander along meekly without a clue. Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 If you could walk around in my pajamas for a few years you might sing a different song. It's the women who are the sexual predators while we men just meander along meekly without a clue. Is that your tongue making your cheek look so weird? If not, you should get that looked at. It looks painful! :D -GB Link to post Share on other sites
JustJudy Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 Both men and women can be sexual "hounds", I've known men that have told me about women that would never let them rest "wanted it all the time", I never did understand. I can't imagine feeling that a sexual relationship "rocked my world", I've met men that I extremely loved being with..... right up until we had sex...that always ruined the relationship for me. And Choose Your Battles? maybe if you weren't walking around in your pajamas all the time the women wouldn't be after you... Link to post Share on other sites
< retired > Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 And Choose Your Battles? maybe if you weren't walking around in your pajamas all the time the women wouldn't be after you... Well, it's true, I do order my pajamas exclusively from Victor's Secret (the male version of Victoria's Secret). If you've got it, flaunt it, as they say. I don't think that it's unreasonable for me to hold women to a higher standard then men, though, since the average woman considers herself more highly evolved than the average man, and rightfully so. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Oh brother. I don't know when I've heard such twaddle. Link to post Share on other sites
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