PrairieGhost Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Hello, I just found this site through a link in an article on MSN, and I was thrilled to find such a thriving community of others "like me". The only definition of asexuality that I knew for most of my life was referring to biology, not sexual orientations, and I always thought there must be something wrong with me because I was not as "active" as it seemed I should have been. For most of my life, this didn't bother me--I wasn't interested in sex, and I didn't get involved in relationships, so it was never an issue--but then I started getting into relationships, and my low sex drive began to cause problems. I was in one long-term relationship that basically ended because the guy took my low drive personally. He thought that because I didn't feel the urge to express myself physically that I was not attracted to him or didn't care for him, and it fed the distance that grew between us and eventually made us drift apart. After we broke up, I took several months to myself to think things over and do a little soul-searching--I didn't want to go rushing into another relationship before I'd figured out what had caused the last one to go so badly. I'm not sure if the thought occurred to me first or if I saw someone mentioning asexuality on a forum somewhere, but at some point in my romantic hiatus, I discovered the idea that maybe I just had a very low sex drive, and that maybe--just maybe--it had nothing to do with outside influences, or whether or not I really cared about my partner. All my life, I'd been trying to conform to this notion that a human being is sexual by nature, and while it had never made me happy--and despite the fact that I'm not a conformist by any means--it was like this subconscious effort to be a healthy human being. When it finally dawned on me that you could just plain not be interested in sex, it was like an epiphany, and from that moment on I had a better understanding not only of myself, but of my relationships. That is not to say I have it all sorted out yet, however. I'm in a wonderful relationship right now that almost never got off the ground in the first place because my boyfriend was so concerned about my asexuality--or borderline rather, as I do have occasional moods. Over time, however, we did manage to find a comfortable middle ground for both of us, and now our relationship is flourishing. Every now and then, however, I just can't do it, and that old feeling of "what's wrong with me?" begins to resurface. I feel bad for letting him down, or for giving him any reason to doubt that I am attracted to him. He is, without question, the most beautiful human being I have ever met, inside and out, and I am attracted to him on all levels--even sexually, as much as I can be. Still, I know in the back of his mind he is wondering why he just can't make me a wildcat of desire, and it makes me feel wretched when I instill such doubt. My hope is that over time, and with a great deal of effort, patience, and understanding, we will both come to understand each other better, and harmonize completely. So, anyway... it's good to be here! Link to post Share on other sites
megzys Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I was in one long-term relationship that basically ended because the guy took my low drive personally. He thought that because I didn't feel the urge to express myself physically that I was not attracted to him or didn't care for him, and it fed the distance that grew between us and eventually made us drift apart. Yea, this is pretty much what happened to me too. My ex and I just didn't know how to deal with this either, and at the time, I didn't know how to properly explain it to him. So, we spent a lot of time angry and confused, and in the end, we broke up. So I totally sympathize with you on that. Welcome and I hope you enjoy the boards! Link to post Share on other sites
PrairieGhost Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 welcome Thank you so much for the warm welcome, guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I spent a lifetime trying to fit in and found AVEN by accident. There were a little over 2000 of us then. The more the merrier... Welcome to the 'family' Tan Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Hi nad welcome. Have some more You're not alone here. Enjoy AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
mindlife Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home here. Link to post Share on other sites
LaLunaVerde Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Welcome! Have :cake: :cake: :cake: I'm glad you found us and that your relationship is going well. Asexual-sexual relationships can and do work and yours seems to be going well so far. So good luck! :) More ! Link to post Share on other sites
hircine Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 you may not necessarily be asexual you could just have a low sex drive, which actually is fairly common they do make medications for it I believe asexual is more of an orientation about sex (like straight, gay) not a definition of low sex drive, unless of course you aren't turned on to sex then it would be asexual Link to post Share on other sites
PrairieGhost Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 you may not necessarily be asexualyou could just have a low sex drive, which actually is fairly common they do make medications for it I believe asexual is more of an orientation about sex (like straight, gay) not a definition of low sex drive, unless of course you aren't turned on to sex then it would be asexual It's not just that I have a low sex drive, but if I'm not in a very particular mood, seeing something like a pornographic image--even a mild one--or a sex scene in a movie can make me feel physically ill. I prefer things like massages and snuggling and even just talking to having sex, and if I wasn't in a relationship, I'd feel no inclination whatsoever towards being sexual. I do not identify myself as being a sexual person--I don't seek it, I don't crave it, I don't even enjoy it very much, but I'm not put off by it either. Thus, I see myself as "borderline". So to respond to your post concisely, I identify myself as asexual, because I do not identify myself as sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
coffeed Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I was in one long-term relationship that basically ended because the guy took my low drive personally. He thought that because I didn't feel the urge to express myself physically that I was not attracted to him or didn't care for him, and it fed the distance that grew between us and eventually made us drift apart. Same thing happened to me. It wasn't a relationship, but I made the faux pas of telling him (when he asked if I thought he was 'hot')......."Yah, i think you are hot, but (further into conversation), if you were really, really ugly I still would've dated you, because it is what is inside that counts." Needless to say, that rubbed him the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
PrairieGhost Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 coffeed, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, I kind of learned the hard way that guys (and probably gals too) take it as a sort of personal offense if you aren't aroused as often as they are. Their minds automatically go to, "You're not aroused by me, so you must not be attracted to me, which means you must not like me..." It was infuriating trying to explain to my last boyfriend (Let's call him Q) that it was nothing wrong with him. Rather than accepting what I told him was in my heart, as a loving partner should, he continued to dig the hole deeper. I would say to him, "You are so handsome," and Q would say "Yeah, right, that's why you're never turned on by me, right?" The more he made comments like that, the less I felt inclined to even try, and by the end of our relationship, we had gone for several months without. Since we broke up, he became a little more understanding--once he'd distanced himself from the relationship, he was able to finally see what I was talking about--and my newfound awareness of my sexuality made it all the more hilarious when his NEW girlfriend accused him of sneaking over to my house to sleep with me. We maintain a strong friendship now, but any hint of romance has long since gone. The difference with Civa, my boyfriend now, is partially because going into the relationship, I already knew my sex drive was going to be virtually non-existent, so from day one we made an agreement to compromise. He was apprehensive at first, of course, worried that we would start out strong and then fizzle as I lost interest in trying to keep up with him, but we've been living together now for almost four months, and our relationship is as strong or stronger than it was when we first began. I think simply being aware of myself allowed for us to compromise, and gave our relationship the opportunity to blossom fully. If I'd been in the same place I was mentally when I went out with Q, I imagine this relationship would have died out months ago as well. And, if my boyfriend was actually very very ugly instead of very very gorgeous, I still would have fallen in love with him, but maybe that's because we met online first! lol Link to post Share on other sites
hircine Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 oh, well that makes sense then that's about how i am i don't understand how people are turned on by porn or sex scenes, i'm the same way as you in that i feel sick whenever i see them, although i have never watched porn someone told me that i identified as grey-a or demi which is asexual but more lenient with it, i guess would be a good way of putting it Link to post Share on other sites
Emile Betselar Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 What happened with your 'Q' - that's definitely happening to me right now. It's a very strange situation indeed. I appreciate your eloquence in describing your experience - this is the first post I've read here and it does make me feel better to know there are others in a similar situation that seem to be getting along just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
CaleCaesar Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Woo, another Kansan! Welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
EIito Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 *also welcomes another Kansan* Link to post Share on other sites
PrairieGhost Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 What happened with your 'Q' - that's definitely happening to me right now. It's a very strange situation indeed. I appreciate your eloquence in describing your experience - this is the first post I've read here and it does make me feel better to know there are others in a similar situation that seem to be getting along just fine. I am very glad to be able to help. I know I spent a lot of nights curled up by myself somewhere wondering what was wrong with me... Becoming aware of my sexuality and finding this community really helped me overcome that feeling, and helps remind me that I'm not alone. Heehee, to my fellow Kansans, HELLO! Link to post Share on other sites
queerunity Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Hi Prairie I don't think your situation is uncommon. Many asexuals partnered with sexual people seem to struggle. I hear from many sexual people that they just don't get it, they feel unattractive to their partner and feel they are doing something wrong. It would be interesting to know if any asexuals and sexual people can stay in a long term relationship? Perhaps I will make that a post. http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com Link to post Share on other sites
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