Do you worry that you've missed the most important part of life?

[doogs]

Nealy 50 years old now, never had a boyfriend, never had a relationship. Never will.

As I get older, I can't help wondering: Have I missed the most important part of life?

The older I get, the more I think about it. Worry more than think, because I know full well that there is nothing I can do to have a relationship, for that would mean me changing in to a fundamentally different person.

Still, sometimes I hear this voice: DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW before your face totally falls down! FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU AND FIX IT or you will have missed out!

I try not to listen, but it's always there.

Does anyone else have this fear of missing out? Or of being cheated?

When I don't hear this voice, I don't find my life so bad.

How can we know, anyway, if we've missed the most important part of life when we've never had it?

[Cynicus]

You've missed as much as you make of it.

[Lucinda]

... because I know full well that there is nothing I can do to have a relationship, for that would mean me changing in to a fundamentally different person.

Doogs dear,

Will you please explain to me why you would have to change into a fundamentally different person in order to have a relationship??

Much thanks,

Lucinda

[doogs]

... because I know full well that there is nothing I can do to have a relationship, for that would mean me changing in to a fundamentally different person.

Doogs dear,

Will you please explain to me why you would have to change into a fundamentally different person in order to have a relationship??

Much thanks,

Lucinda

I am using "relationship" in the way it's commonly understood in this culture...it doesn't count unless it is sexual.

Of course I have relationships (friendships) with men...but so much is withheld unless you're the sexual partner.

You can never be #1 to anyone, you can never meet the parents, etc. etc...you know what I mean.

[mindlife]

I am using "relationship" in the way it's commonly understood in this culture...it doesn't count unless it is sexual.

Doogs, you have just entered another place.

We do not define relationships or intimacy sexually.

There is no need for you to do so either.

[mindlife]

And bear this in mind. It is possible that even if you had had a boyfriend, even gotten married, your asexual identity would have affected your practices with respect to these. If you are asexual, having the trappings of a sexual life would not change that at all.

[Sally]

"Doogs, you have just entered another place.

We do not define relationships or intimacy sexually.

There is no need for you to do so either."

I think we need to keep in mind that although as asexuals we may not define intimacy or relationships as sexual, the world definitely does. We all live in the world. Therefore, especially for older asexuals (and this is the Older Asexual forum), we've all been affected by that, and bear at least a few scars, and need to give each other a little slack in reporting them.

[Angelica Soprano]

Having had a few relationships that Doogs thinks she's missed, I can say it's sure not all cracked up to be that which one may think, and sometimes we wish for things that once attained, we wish we'd never bloody had! :)

[Lucinda]

Dearest Doogs,

When I was in college, I heard guys use terms like hammer, nail, and screw when speaking of having sex with their girlfriends the night before. It sounded more like a hardware event to me. I obviously missed the Carpentry 101 lesson. Yep, that is what I am missing.

I didn't realize a relationship wasn't a real relationship unless it was sexual. Matt and I draw the line at sexual intercourse. Nevertheless, I have somehow managed to meet his family and he has met mine. But that relationship thing has me worried. Does this mean we have to send back our marriage license??

Seriously though, and all kidding aside, I was reading your introductory posts on the Welcome Board. While the replies were kind and considerate, I wonder if they addressed the heart of the matter as far as you are concerned?

I identify as asexual because, to me, a heterosexual is someone who has sex. And sexuality is not something you define by and for yourself, because by its very definition it involves other people. It is whether anyone is attracted to you, regardless of whether you are attracted to anyone else.

I must politely disagree. I am asexual because I have no interest in having sexual intercourse with another person. I was born this way. It has nothing to do with whether someone else(s) is sexually attracted to me. I do not define myself based on how others perceive me. In fact, I am aware that others have found me sexually attractive, but that did not and could not change my lack of interest in them sexually.

You also mention on that thread that some homosexuals hate their orientation and wish they could be heterosexuals. Could societal acceptance of heterosexuality be more the key to explaining this than sexual attraction?? You go on to explain that you do not like your orientation and wish you could change it. Do you want to change it for societal acceptance -or- for reasons of your very own??

I would like to experience a sexual relationship with someone. I think, I know, I would enjoy it and it would be good for me.

This quote alone indicates to me that there is a fundamental difference between you and I. Is it at all possible that you are not asexual? If so, then it is no wonder that you are worried that you are missing something important.

I have been through tons of grief because of my lack of sexual appeal/competence/history.

I don't want you to suffer grief. There has got to be some answers. It's hard for me to believe that no one finds you sexually appealing unless you live a rather reclusive lifestyle. We discussed on one thread what is considered "sexy" or "sexually attractive". I noted that receptivity was mentioned. Do you pick up and respond to social cues??

As far as sexual competence, do you mean finding and keeping a sexual partner? Or are you talking about competence in doing the deed?? I would have no clue either way, but I would bet there are sexuals here on AVEN that could comment.

Everyone who knows me well has told me (and everybody else must be thinking this too): "It's impossible to think of you as a sexual person." "We just can't picture you having a boyfriend." "You send out vibes that you're not a sexual person."

Like I said before, I don't define my orientation by others' perception of me. If you think you are a sexual person who wants a boyfriend, then so be it. Did you indicate this to any of your friends??

Perhaps because you are part of Mensa and have an intellectual mind, and probably a brilliant career and friends, people picture you as more cerebral than carnal? Maybe people see you as being above the need for a man in your life?? Do you come across as extremely independent??

There may be something to that "vibes" comment. I don't know. What I do know is that it couldn't hurt to explore your issues regarding your self-described lack of appeal and competence and what could be done about it. If some of our more verbal sexuals like BunnyK and Olivier don't see this thread and respond, perhaps you could meander over to the Sexual Friends forum and get their attention. I would think they and others would be glad to help if they can ... if you think it is appropriate and you are so inclined.

All the best,

Lucinda

[Angelica Soprano]

Nice reply Lucinda, I vote you, for this weeks best Claire Raynor! B)

[J.F.Audio]

Once again asexual does not mean chaste......Asexuality and chastity are two very different things, although they can and do coexist in many situations. Again you can also have a "romantic relationship" with some one without necessarily making it a sexual one. I think a romantic relationship can be one similar to the type of relationship out lined in the thread, about some one to sleep next to. I have long desired some one to sleep next to, to know they are there for me, etc, without the necessary expectation of sexual relations. I personally am not going to say that I will never engage in any sexual acts, nor will I say I havent in the past. How far you go with your potential relationship is something that you need to figure out with your individual partner, and cannot necessarily be spelled out by a broad general definition. I know many people would love to be able to point at some definition and say there thats what it is black and white, but to be honest with you with how very different each individual person is, I cant help but think that that is wholly irrational to think that that could be pulled off in real life.

[cijay]

Nealy 50 years old now, never had a boyfriend, never had a relationship. Never will.

As I get older, I can't help wondering: Have I missed the most important part of life?

The older I get, the more I think about it. Worry more than think, because I know full well that there is nothing I can do to have a relationship, for that would mean me changing in to a fundamentally different person.

Still, sometimes I hear this voice: DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW before your face totally falls down! FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU AND FIX IT or you will have missed out!

I try not to listen, but it's always there.

Does anyone else have this fear of missing out? Or of being cheated?

When I don't hear this voice, I don't find my life so bad.

How can we know, anyway, if we've missed the most important part of life when we've never had it?

I missed out the most important part of my life because I wasted many teenage years treating my mother like shit. She didn't deserve it and I missed many opportunities for precious memories. Luckily, it wasn't too late before I woke up and smelled the coffee so we've had plenty of fun times and there'll be more opportunities.

[< retired >]

I lived in the 'deep South' recently, and it was amusing how writers for the local newspaper would automatically follow a person's name with their family status. For example, "Sarah X, wife and mother of two kids, ..." To me, this was very odd, kind of like saying, "Sarah X, 37-23-35, ..." An unmarried/no children person living in such a culture would naturally feel that they are a failure when measured against the prevailing cultural norm. A person in this situation has three options: 1. live with it; 2. change themselves to match the prevailing cultural norm; or 3. develop personal standards for excellence rather than using the prevailing cultural standards. I've chosen #3 - your choice is up to you!

[starcat]

Nealy 50 years old now, never had a boyfriend, never had a relationship. Never will.

As I get older, I can't help wondering: Have I missed the most important part of life?

How can we know, anyway, if we've missed the most important part of life when we've never had it?

What's of "Importance" belongs to one's own perception.

Just because JaneDoe says being a wife and mother is what is important in life...doesn't mean JohnDoe should agree. His/her "importance" could be something totally different.

[thylacine]

Why do what other people do, just because other people do it? Can't people figure out their own paradigm??? If people just do as society says they should do, then people are no better than sheep.

[catrinac]

Sure, I think I have missed out and have known this since I was in my 20s. I knew even in my teens that I would never amount to much on the sexual front, that there was no point in dating or meeting people. So much of the reason has to do with how un-pretty and asexual looking I was throughout my teens and 20s. I did not even become aware that I could look any better till I was 30. I was never really able to orgasm with my hands masterbating and was told I "had no sexual energy" at about age 26 which was when I gave up pretty much for good. The last 10 years or so I've been in a "relationship" of sorts with another asexual who like me wishes he was sexual and resents all that he's missed out on in life. However, he does not really want to change his life that much and thought that we would become each other's "first". The problem with this is that I'm not in to him in that way and overall the relationship is very dysfunctional. To those who think they're going to find a great asexual relationship/marriage... well, good luck. My experience with it has not been positive. I'm no longer living with him and have had a lot of time to think about what I want from life. I'm realizing I don't want to be seen as asexual anymore. I may not want to ever actually have sex with anyone but feel at this point in my life I'm harming myself image wise to not at least try to look sexier and prettier even if there is no feeling behind it. I'm going to have another nose job and may have some work done on my chest. For me, so I will feel that even though I've been severely cheated on the sexual front at least I can look in the mirror and be proud of who and what I am. I've noticed on these boards a lot of nonchalance... I was that way in my 20s too. It's all hit me recently that I have emphasized all the wrong things in life and have no benefited at all. If I had my life to live over I would try to get with the sexual program of Earth-- because face it people, that is the reality-- we live on a 3rd dimensional planet that is is stuck in sexual indulgences that we have been told are sanctioned by God via marriage and that we'll be "better" people if we "explore" this area of life for some kind of development and growth soul wise. I feel I haven't grown in this life and in fact am regressing. I'm pretty sure I'll be re-embodying only to face the same issues again. I'm not judging anyone here. I think asexuals may be in lifetimes that put less of an emphasis on the body and that unfortunately we live in a society where sex is tied to many other areas of life so there are fewer benefits or payoffs unless you happen to be in an arranged sexless situation like I am. By benefits I mean a safety net besides ones own family. Whose parents really agree with asexuality anyway? My parents are convinced I'm gay even though I was hyper sexual (kind of anyway) in my teens and only with guys. Being sexless is SUCH a complicated issue. It is great to not have to "be" with anyone, I do like that. I just don't enjoy anymore all the g.d. judgments that are attached to my decision.

[Tanwen]

Having had a few relationships that Doogs thinks she's missed, I can say it's sure not all cracked up to be that which one may think, and sometimes we wish for things that once attained, we wish we'd never bloody had! :)

Oh how I identified with that post! Absolutely in a nut-shell!

Tan

*And Doogs, let's imagine you found it was what you wanted - wouldn't that make it all so much worse, having missed out on a liefetime of nymphomania?*

[starcat]

In response to Catrinac...I think society is brainwashed by the media. I think they have us all believing that we live in a sex-filled world. If you look at the statistics, many people and couples are facing "problems" in the sex arena. The young may be vibrant, but the older we get the less drive we show. Look at the "little blue pill" for men? That company is making millions off their product. Now their trying (or have) the equivalent for women? ED...is a common problem. Menopause. All these areas that are screaming "hey! sex isn't all it's made out to be" Yet we keep believing sex is needed and strive for it. Why? Because that's what we're supposed to do? We're all supposed to be like bunnies till we die? Who says so?

All I see is the $$$'s companies, doctors, therapists, etc. would loose, if less emphasis was put on sex.

sry if I got off topic, it's just a very sensitive area for me. I feel we need to believe more in ourselves and what each of us feels inside. Not what society and the media would have us believe.

[AVENCakes]

How can we know, anyway, if we've missed the most important part of life when we've never had it?

Honestly, we don't. We've got to trust that our happiness being asexual outweighs the fact that sexuals are happier with sex.

I don't think I'm missing out on anything, after what I learned today I pity asexuals. A lot of their self-worth is wrapped up in being sexy, so when (hopefully their boy/girlfriend, but not always) someone doesn't want to sleep with them, they get all hurt and distraught and torn apart. Yeah, everyone's got insecurities, but this seems like a huge one to them. If that much of your identity is going to be wrapped up in something, why not let it be something you can control better?

[Angelica Soprano]

Honestly, we don't. We've got to trust that our happiness being asexual outweighs the fact that sexuals are happier with sex.

But are they? I see the mess and even murder this 'drive' brings to so many, and 10 child families by 6 different fathers, and who's best off?

I look at say - Patrick Moore's life and see that the fact he didn't have to jump up from his observations every hour to hump some woman, as a great advantage, and I imagine you can all name many others?

[AVENCakes]

Honestly, we don't. We've got to trust that our happiness being asexual outweighs the fact that sexuals are happier with sex.

But are they? I see the mess and even murder this 'drive' brings to so many, and 10 child families by 6 different fathers, and who's best off?

I look at say - Patrick Moore's life and see that the fact he didn't have to jump up from his observations every hour to hump some woman, as a great advantage, and I imagine you can all name many others?

Yeah, but they insist they're happier than us because they have this dumb fulfillment or whatever. Personally, I don't think they are. i mean, some must be, but I can see no real advantage to being sexual.

[chatha]

Someone recently asked me how I know I don't want a romantic-sexual relationship if I've never had one...

I thought about how to answer the question and the best I could come up with was to ask a question in return: How do you know you don't wanna have a romantic-sexual relationship with a goat if you've never had one? No matter much the goat bleets, ya just know.

If you want to experience romance/sex/etc, go for it. But do it because that's what you want, not what you feel pressured to want. Who knows, I too get lonely and one day I might feel the same way. But I don't want to be pressured (and I get lots of pressure) into doing something I'm not comfortable with doing.

[doogs]

But do it because that's what you want, not what you feel pressured to want.

You all make good points! I wish I knew how to quote more than one response in my reply.

In any case, the above is the crux of the matter. I have struggled with this all my life and still don't have an answer! Do I want to have a boyfriend because I want one, or because I have been socialized all my life to believe it is the essential most important part of life? I don't know how any of us can answer this question when we live in a society that enforces mandatory sexuality! No one, no one is immune to the constant pressure. And it's not like I'm a conformist or somebody that just wants to fit in for the sake of fitting in.

Far from it. I have never fit in ever, anywhere, and it hasn't bothered me the way this does. Let me explain. I was born more intelligent than 99% of the population. Not bragging, just a fact. I am a member of a despised minority group. I have a disability.

It has never occurred to me to be ashamed of any of the above. How could it? But I am ashamed of my asexuality. I don't tell anyone. I try to hide it. I feel deeply inferior. Why is that so, when I don't hide any of the other things that make me different?

I guess it's exhausting to go through life never fitting in, being different in every way. Once, just once, I'd like to belong somewhere. Don't be hard on me for wanting that. My life is already hard enough! I'm not brainwashed by the media.

That sex and sexuality and relationships make people happy is not a myth and is not just in the movies. Sexuals are not all miserable. It's not all bad. Yeah, the media probably does misrepresent how many people are sexual, and how much they are sexual. But in the past three years I've watched three couples I know fall in love and get married. That is not a Hollywood movie, that is reality. It is ridiculous to say they are not happy, or that they are just acting out a script. They are really happy and really glad to be in these relationships. I've seen them blossom with my own eyes. Can you honestly say you wouldn't want that if you could have it?

And please don't tell me it's like having sex with a goat. Sex with a goat is not part of our cultural script. We don't see all our friends having sex with goats. That's like saying if you don't like eating chocolate covered cockroaches you don't like food.

I may not want to ever actually have sex with anyone but feel at this point in my life I'm harming myself image wise to not at least try to look sexier and prettier even if there is no feeling behind it. I'm going to have another nose job and may have some work done on my chest. For me, so I will feel that even though I've been severely cheated on the sexual front at least I can look in the mirror and be proud of who and what I am. I've noticed on these boards a lot of nonchalance... I was that way in my 20s too. It's all hit me recently that I have emphasized all the wrong things in life and have no benefited at all. If I had my life to live over I would try to get with the sexual program of Earth-- because face it people, that is the reality-- we live on a 3rd dimensional planet that is is stuck in sexual indulgences that we have been told are sanctioned by God via marriage and that we'll be "better" people if we "explore" this area of life for some kind of development and growth soul wise. I feel I haven't grown in this life and in fact am regressing. I'm pretty sure I'll be re-embodying only to face the same issues again. I'm not judging anyone here. I think asexuals may be in lifetimes that put less of an emphasis on the body and that unfortunately we live in a society where sex is tied to many other areas of life so there are fewer benefits or payoffs unless you happen to be in an arranged sexless situation like I am. By benefits I mean a safety net besides ones own family.

Catrinac, above you are right on track in what you say. I am thinking of plastic surgery myself. I went through it once as a teenager, but it was botched. What if I could correct it? I've always wanted to. You can laugh, but there's a lot of scientific research on the type of faces that attract sexual partners, and suffice it to say mine is the opposite of that. What if, just what if, I could make my face closer to the ideal that humans are hardwired to be attracted to---voila, no more asexual! What if, what if, that's what it is? Like all these questions there are no answers. There are only hard questions.

And as far as the one who offered me help and advice on becoming sexual...I don't think I could do this anymore than any of us could. I have been this way all my life (hating it and being ashamed) and it is a fundamental part of who I am. I could no more become sexually attractive and competent (and yes, it is both things, both attracting people and knowing how to "do it") than I could fly. We could try to figure out til the end of time (I've have 35 years) to figure out why and once again, there are no answers. Sure there are theories, the face, the vibes, no way to test them. Believe me, if I could have figured this out, I would have by now. This is the way I am. There may be five reasons or fifty or no reason at all. It all comes out the same. I am asexual. And a part of life that's greatly valued by society, and which for all anybody knows would have been greatly valued by me if I could have experienced it, has passed me by.

[AVENCakes]

You all make good points! I wish I knew how to quote more than one response in my reply.

Hit "reply" type up your message to it, copy/paste, hit the back button on your browser, hit reply on the next post you want to reply ot. Repeat until you're out of posts to reply to.

And please don't tell me it's like having sex with a goat. Sex with a goat is not part of our cultural script. We don't see all our friends having sex with goats. That's like saying if you don't like eating chocolate covered cockroaches you don't like food.

I do get some damn weird looks for not liking chocolate, though. Especially from my parents.

And the goat thing is our point. Mostly directed at pansexuals and gays/straights that have never experimented. ("How do you know you won't like sex with [opposite/same sex] if you haven't tried it?" dies when the person has)

To us, sex isn't normal. It's a bit of culture that we accept, but we also accept horror as part of our culture and no one expects everyone to go around killing everybody. With video games and horror movies, death and violence are part of our culture- doesn't mean it's right to go around killing or hurting. Well, you see sex just as often and not as graphically, why should we see it any differently? We don't.

A better example would be vegans. 'If you don't like eating meat you don't like eating food' instead of cockroaches, I'm sure people eat that- but the internet has yet to glorify it. We're not just saying goats, any sort of bestiality. And with furries and marry your pet, I'd say it's not unheard of.

Can you honestly say you wouldn't want that if you could have it?

Yes.

Being sexual apparently means having a large part of you defined by how much you're wanted sexually. By your partner you know and love and want sexually as well, but still by someone else. Maybe I could be happy for a little while- but I know I'm happy working to be happy with myself. Why ruin that just for a few years of lovey dovery?

[andrew_w]

You all make good points! I wish I knew how to quote more than one response in my reply.

Hit "reply" type up your message to it, copy/paste, hit the back button on your browser, hit reply on the next post you want to reply ot. Repeat until you're out of posts to reply to

It's simpler than that. Click the "quote" button under each post you want to quote, and then click the "add reply" button at the top or bottom of the page.

[Ziffler]

Having a relationship, isn't the most important thing in life.

There are many more important things than that.

But yes, I do feel that I have missed out in life. I have never been loved nor have I ever loved.

And I don't mean sex. I mean Love. That personal intimacy with someone else on a soulfull and spiritual level.

In my case. It is not in me. I have had the opportunity. I once had a very, very close friend that I would have married because I cared for her so much. But there wasn't love and it wouldn't have been fair to her to be tied to me when I couldn't give her what she deserved in a man.

So yes I miss it. And when I meet God face to face, that is going to be one of the questions I ask Him. I have asked many, many times here, but He hasn't given me a good enough answer yet to satisfy me. Why I have to be different and be alone, when He made people to be a unit, two by two. God himself said, it is not good for man to be alone. Yet, He made me a loner. So, we have an issue to discuss at some point in out future.

To answer you, YES. I feel like I have a part missing. I have missed out in life. But that hasn't kept me from living. I have lived and still am living a very fruitfull and enjoyable life. God has used me on mission fields and at home to affect many other peoples lives, for while I am humbled and satisfied. I have purpose. That to me is more important than a relationship. To bad I couldn't of had both.

[doogs]

Having a relationship, isn't the most important thing in life.

There are many more important things than that.

But yes, I do feel that I have missed out in life. I have never been loved nor have I ever loved.

And I don't mean sex. I mean Love. That personal intimacy with someone else on a soulfull and spiritual level.

In my case. It is not in me. I have had the opportunity. I once had a very, very close friend that I would have married because I cared for her so much. But there wasn't love and it wouldn't have been fair to her to be tied to me when I couldn't give her what she deserved in a man.

So yes I miss it. And when I meet God face to face, that is going to be one of the questions I ask Him. I have asked many, many times here, but He hasn't given me a good enough answer yet to satisfy me. Why I have to be different and be alone, when He made people to be a unit, two by two. God himself said, it is not good for man to be alone. Yet, He made me a loner. So, we have an issue to discuss at some point in out future.

To answer you, YES. I feel like I have a part missing. I have missed out in life. But that hasn't kept me from living. I have lived and still am living a very fruitfull and enjoyable life. God has used me on mission fields and at home to affect many other peoples lives, for while I am humbled and satisfied. I have purpose. That to me is more important than a relationship. To bad I couldn't of had both.

WOW, just WOW on the God stuff. I have said the same thing myself multiple times but have never heard anyone else say it!

It is uncanny!

And I don't even believe in God. But when I die, I will have only one question, the one that has never been answered in my life.

So if it turns out there is a God, I will just look at Him/Her, and she/he will know that I am asking: Why?

And she/he will say:

???

It was your nose, silly, didn't you ever look in the mirror?

or

There was no reason

or

Your personality was so toxic, no one could like you, let alone love you

or

You had Aspergers, silly!

or

You actually did give off invisible vibes that repelled people (one of the explanations I've been given on earth)

or

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????