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asexual or unattractive?


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I've never felt attractive enough to date and am so introverted that I don't think I could assert myself sexually if my life depended on it.

I fit that statement 100%.

however, personally, I see those two things more as the results of being asexual in a sexual world rather than being the causes of my asexuality. I recognize this may not be your personal experience and I'm sorry that this is such a frustrating part of your life, but i just thought i'd share that reversal of the idea in case it was something you hadn't thought of.

I hate that we feel like we have to be attractive to get anywhere in life these days and that "attractiveness" is defined by people who don't even know you. It's something i've been trying to "rise above" (thank you Feminist and Gender Studies major) but i won't lie, it's not easy. I hope we can all find peace with ourselves no matter what our issue may be.

:cake: always makes me feel better ;)

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Lady what you said was spot on dont put anything into this thread starter it seems like this thread starter needs serious help for the issues they are facing. Good job lady.

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People say that I am very pretty, and sometimes I agree, but not always. But even when I am confident and feel good about how I look, guys don't seem to pay any attention to me. I wonder if perhaps I give off an A-ness vibe or something and they can feel that they won't score a home run with me. I have noticed that the people who like me are those that have known me for a while (which narrows it down quite a lot), so maybe my personality is attractive, but not my appearance? Or is it really possible to subconsciously broadcast your orientation or lack of primal needs?

I think it is. I sense that men are scared of me. Asexuality may be part of the picture but it is also amotionality in certain aspects. My personality is somewhat detached and robotic and I think guys have picked up on that. I think our inner personality is hard to hide, no matter how much we may try to mask when we feel self-conscious.

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panic_teh_s00prn00b

Er well, slightly off topic I suppose but I have the opposite problem.

People do from time to time say that I'm cute, pretty, sexy and what have you. I have to say, it really puts me off.

I don't like the idea of people thinking about me that way, for one thing. I tend to assume that they're either lying or just not telling the whole story. Either way, I become very suspicious of their motives. I suppose other people might be flattered by this kind of attention, but I don't appreciate it.

What makes it even more disturbing is that I look young for my age. Real young. Not even legal in most places, 12, 13, 14 young. When I'm out of uniform, nobody would guess that I'm a grown woman. Naturally, I find it extremely creepy when grown men, soldiers and civilians alike, tell me that they find me attractive. I'm all like, WTF?! I look like a kid, that shouldn't be hot, weirdo!

Ahem. Anyway, I sort of had the 'am I pretty?' argument with my mirror too. The debate still rears it's ugly (excuse me) head from time to time. It usually depends on what sort of mood I'm in when I see the mirror and who else happens to be standing in the mirror at the time.

I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if I'm pretty or not. Who am I trying to impress? Nobody. I like me, what do I care what anyone else thinks? (I find that trying to figure out if I'm pretty by looking through other people's eyes is about as fruitful as trying to decide if a band sounds good by listening through other people's ears. What do I care what the rest of the world listens too, I like this music!) And suppose there was someone I wanted to like me, sure, that wouldn't be hard at all if I was pretty, but then all I'd catch are the shallow people, who like my looks, not me. Wouldn't it be nicer to find someone who liked me despite my looks, or at least didn't consider them a factor, but truly liked me for me? (I'm aromantic by the way, so this scenario doesn't really apply to me. I'm just an outsider looking in.)

I say you wait until you're in a good mood, put on you're favorite outfit and favorite music and play around in front of a mirror. Try fun poses and expressions. Go nuts! (Just make sure nobody sees you doing this or they may think that you really have gone nuts) While you're at it, take a good look at yourself. What do you like? That smile, the way you did your hair that morning, the top you're wearing, whatever you like about your reflection. Focus on what you like. It's all that should ever be important anyway.

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This was the response to the girl who posted the old photo of herself. So looks don't matter. RIGHT. I have never looked that good even one day of my life, no one has asked me out in years, and I have never been told I'm pretty. When you get to be in your late 30s and realize that you're really ugly you might also have big crisis. If you don't good for you.

Actually in my opinion you are gorgeous.
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I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if I'm pretty or not. Who am I trying to impress? Nobody. I like me, what do I care what anyone else thinks? (I find that trying to figure out if I'm pretty by looking through other people's eyes is about as fruitful as trying to decide if a band sounds good by listening through other people's ears. What do I care what the rest of the world listens too, I like this music!) And suppose there was someone I wanted to like me, sure, that wouldn't be hard at all if I was pretty, but then all I'd catch are the shallow people, who like my looks, not me. Wouldn't it be nicer to find someone who liked me despite my looks, or at least didn't consider them a factor, but truly liked me for me? (I'm aromantic by the way, so this scenario doesn't really apply to me. I'm just an outsider looking in.)

Might be bit of a sidetrack from the original post but... Bingo!

If I were to put myself in a scenario where someone loved me for the looks, I imagine it'd be quite a burden to constantly have to look the best. Not to mention the shallowness.

If I were to invite someone to dinner I'd totally disregard looks and more consider who'd be interested in hearing me talk about the redesign of the overrun roller clutch, or the fourth clutch bolt with its peculiar head, in the GM 4L80-E gearbox - or in other words, mutual interests. :rolleyes:

So, going by personality prejudices I'd probably much rather date HIM...

josephmerrick3.jpg

...than HER

Paris%20Hilton_669_18276962_0_0_7001414_300.jpg

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Personally, I never thought about how I looked... Although I do get asked out fairly recently. :/ (I don't get why; they usually don't even know me.) After thinking about it, I think I'm about average. Not terribly attractive, but not unattractive either.

You're beautiful.

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Angelica Soprano
Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?

I think if you seek out the pic's of the chimps here, you'll see that there are many very good looking people, so it has nothing to do with lack of confidence, or trolls living under footbridges. Might be some people's primary problem, but not the majority.

I've had great fun all my life telling willy-brain-primed men to stick it in their ears, so it's just something that either you like, or you don't. We're all just - 'different.'

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I'm gorgeous, simply because i say so... hehehe

Hey, my opinion counts too!

It really bothers me to hear females (yes only hearing the females bothers me) whining about how "not pretty" they are...

I know it's a 'love language' thing for many women, but... gosh, that's gotta be a hard one to have... to need that constant reinforcement about your looks...

Look at some of these professional female models. They had to be picked by gay men or by straight women because some models are just hideous in the face and are as skinny as the spirit of famine incarnate. (Most men, I think, prefer a bit a curve on women.) But they're models anyway. Plus, their pics are air brushed. So I don't get all the fuss over looks. If YOU think you look pretty, chances are others will too. Just look at Hollywood.

(Aside: ever notice E-harmony commercials?)

Be gorgeous to yourself in your own way.

'Nuf said.

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Plus, look at some of these professional female models. They had to be picked by gay men or by straight women because some models are just hideous in the face and are as skinny as the spirit of famine incarnate.

Wow - at least I am not the only one who thinks that! Looking like a model is nothing to strive for.

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oneofthesun
Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?

I'm really good looking to men over 50 (because I look very young).

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Plus, look at some of these professional female models. They had to be picked by gay men or by straight women because some models are just hideous in the face and are as skinny as the spirit of famine incarnate.

Wow - at least I am not the only one who thinks that! Looking like a model is nothing to strive for.

Heh, you're not alone. I'm a thoroughly heterosexual male, and I just don't get the "model aesthetic". I reckon about the same percentage of models are actually seriously attractive as the general population - that is, just a few. And don't get me started on pornstars. Is there a reason so few of them are attractive? And why the hell not? Why is the world so weird? :)

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:blush:

I'm glad I didn't get into trouble by saying that.... hehe

I'm a guy. I'm short. I have a gut (due to multiple things). I don't see myself as ugly or as good looking. But I have guys - other guys - flirting with me. (Um, no thanks, I don't play that game.). It makes me wonder how many women are being coy but looking too. It really boosts my self-confidence. Looks evidently don't matter nearly as much as people think. Do you get hit on or flirted with at all? If so, then know that you are pretty enough. Attitude and choosing to believe in one's beauty... A smile is beautiful and attractive.

[Aside, repeatd: Ever see the E-harmony commercials?]

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Don't get me wrong though- I don't think you should be happy being asexual, but on the same token I'm not saying you should want to be sexual either.

Lonepiper,

Here is what I see as a problem and I am speaking in general terms. If someone is not happy being asexual, then chances are they are not asexual. From reading some of these posts, I get the impression that people think asexual means not having an active sex life. From my point of view, an asexual is a completely different cat than a non-practicing non-participating sexual.

I was born asexual. I have no interest in having sexual intercourse with another person. It seems I was very fortunate in that my best friend in highschool and I discovered the term in one of her older brother's college text. We knew it fit us to a tee. Sure we were different from our friends, but we certainly didn't feel like freaks. When I first started reading posts here, I was in tears to find out that others thought there was something wrong with them, they were neurotic or alone, until they discovered there were others like them. But then you read post after post after post of how relieved folks are to find this place. If I had known, I would have talked someone into creating such a website earlier. AVEN is a wonderful thing.

I am happy to be asexual. Why wouldn't I be? It is who I am. It has not stopped me from doing anything in life that I wanted to do. Furthermore, I am happy that I am not a sexual. I don't care what much of society does sexually. I will do what I want to do and be perfectly content.

But let me be perfectly clear. I am not asexual because I feel unwanted and unappreciated. I am not asexual because I have had experience with guys who I thought only used me for sex. I am not asexual because I think I am not pretty or popular enough for a good sexual relationship. That is not what asexuality is all about. If someone thinks they are forced to be celibate for any of these reasons, then they should seek therapy. No one forces themselves to be asexual. One forces themselves or convinces themselves that they can't be a sexual person for these reasons. Obviously they (not us) must chose to wallow in their misery or obtain help.

Most sincerely,

Lucinda

Well said! Well said!

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This was the response to the girl who posted the old photo of herself. So looks don't matter. RIGHT. I have never looked that good even one day of my life, no one has asked me out in years, and I have never been told I'm pretty. When you get to be in your late 30s and realize that you're really ugly you might also have big crisis. If you don't good for you.
Actually in my opinion you are gorgeous.

Hmm... You are pretty. Now you've been told that.

I think the original question was whether catrinac's asexuality was because of her low self-esteem about her looks.

I think many have suggested the same thing: "Work on how you feel about yourself so you can answer that question honestly."

My momma used to say that she isn't pretty. But when I was in the first grade a boy told her she was beautiful. When I was in high-school a classmate told her she was "foxy." (That's when she wised up and realized, "Hey. I must be ok looking. Teenage boys are hollering at me." And my dad is very jealous of her talking to other men. We really need to work on our culture(s) when women are so brainwashed as to feel "ugly" or "not pretty" 'just because'. Personally, I think that's very shallow and self-centered to be so fixated on one's own looks (either positively or negatively) that one can't or won't socialize. There are some "ugly" looking folks in the world who have to shoo woo-ers off like shooing flies. They find love. Looks don't have so much to do with things. It is a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e. And I'm telling you, if a woman is just too pretty, many guys won't ask her out because they don't feel like they are hot enough to attract her. So, maybe you are too pretty.

So, I would suggest too: Learn to take a compliment. Learn to give yourself compliments. Make yourself believe them. Tell yourself over and over and over and over until you really do start to see the truth in what you are telling yourself. Tell yourself every day, "I am beautiful." What are your best features? Eyes? Then tell yourself, "My eyes are gorgeous. I really do have pretty eyes." (Humorously >) Goozle bone? Then tell yourself, "Gosh, I've got the biggest and best goozle bone in the world. I practically have a joint in my neck! Gosh, I'm hot!"

You have to believe in yourself. You can give off vibes to others that says, "Stay away from me. I have something horribly wrong with me that I'm too ashamed to talk about." And people think, "Wonder what's wrong with her that she never dates? She's not bad looking, but ok, I'm steering clear..."

Feeling too gorgeous for the world? Someone will want to stand next to you just so they can be seen in such beautiful company. Feeling homely? You're homely alone. Attitude.

Otherwise, get professional help for depression and/or low self-esteem.

Fix that and then you can answer your question of whether or not you really are asexual.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You just don't fucking get it and never will. I may have to post a picture of fucking ugly face to show exactly what I am talking about. My nose is large and pig like from the front and I have a butt-crack columella that makes my nose look like, well, a big butt crack. It is not attractive in any way. That I should change my attitude in some way, to imply this is totally fucking sick. There is no way I can believe in myself when people will not even make or hold eye contact with me in public and look away quickly as though I am some kind of circus freak. I am not talking about a mild issue or being kind of homely, I am talking about a feature that causes me to be bullied and ignored by people constantly. I could not develop self esteem if my life depended on it. For you to simply tell me I'm pretty so I'll shut up is rude and insensitive beyond belief. No wonder you are an asexual.

Why don't you get counselling you fucking bully? Why is it always about blaming the victim?

This was the response to the girl who posted the old photo of herself. So looks don't matter. RIGHT. I have never looked that good even one day of my life, no one has asked me out in years, and I have never been told I'm pretty. When you get to be in your late 30s and realize that you're really ugly you might also have big crisis. If you don't good for you.
Actually in my opinion you are gorgeous.

Hmm... You are pretty. Now you've been told that.

I think the original question was whether catrinac's asexuality was because of her low self-esteem about her looks.

I think many have suggested the same thing: "Work on how you feel about yourself so you can answer that question honestly."

My momma used to say that she isn't pretty. But when I was in the first grade a boy told her she was beautiful. When I was in high-school a classmate told her she was "foxy." (That's when she wised up and realized, "Hey. I must be ok looking. Teenage boys are hollering at me." And my dad is very jealous of her talking to other men. We really need to work on our culture(s) when women are so brainwashed as to feel "ugly" or "not pretty" 'just because'. Personally, I think that's very shallow and self-centered to be so fixated on one's own looks (either positively or negatively) that one can't or won't socialize. There are some "ugly" looking folks in the world who have to shoo woo-ers off like shooing flies. They find love. Looks don't have so much to do with things. It is a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e. And I'm telling you, if a woman is just too pretty, many guys won't ask her out because they don't feel like they are hot enough to attract her. So, maybe you are too pretty.

So, I would suggest too: Learn to take a compliment. Learn to give yourself compliments. Make yourself believe them. Tell yourself over and over and over and over until you really do start to see the truth in what you are telling yourself. Tell yourself every day, "I am beautiful." What are your best features? Eyes? Then tell yourself, "My eyes are gorgeous. I really do have pretty eyes." (Humorously >) Goozle bone? Then tell yourself, "Gosh, I've got the biggest and best goozle bone in the world. I practically have a joint in my neck! Gosh, I'm hot!"

You have to believe in yourself. You can give off vibes to others that says, "Stay away from me. I have something horribly wrong with me that I'm too ashamed to talk about." And people think, "Wonder what's wrong with her that she never dates? She's not bad looking, but ok, I'm steering clear..."

Feeling too gorgeous for the world? Someone will want to stand next to you just so they can be seen in such beautiful company. Feeling homely? You're homely alone. Attitude.

Otherwise, get professional help for depression and/or low self-esteem.

Fix that and then you can answer your question of whether or not you really are asexual.

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You just don't fucking get it and never will. I may have to post a picture of fucking ugly face to show exactly what I am talking about. My nose is large and pig like from the front and I have a butt-crack columella that makes my nose look like, well, a big butt crack. It is not attractive in any way. That I should change my attitude in some way, to imply this is totally fucking sick. There is no way I can believe in myself when people will not even make or hold eye contact with me in public and look away quickly as though I am some kind of circus freak. I am not talking about a mild issue or being kind of homely, I am talking about a feature that causes me to be bullied and ignored by people constantly. I could not develop self esteem if my life depended on it. For you to simply tell me I'm pretty so I'll shut up is rude and insensitive beyond belief. No wonder you are an asexual.

Why don't you get counselling you fucking bully? Why is it always about blaming the victim?

Calm down catrinac. No one here was trying to bully you. Even if they didn't get it, they were just trying to be nice to you. There's no need for being rude in return. There's no association between being asexual and being rude and insensitive.

Like a lot of people have said: even if you are unattractive, why focus on that? How about brains, personality? There's a lot of things in life more important then looks. If people don't see that and only treat you by your looks, they're just stupid.

the same goes for sex and love: love is about a lot more then looks.

Someone else already said it better so I'll quote:

So, going by personality prejudices I'd probably much rather date HIM...

josephmerrick3.jpg

...than HER

Paris%20Hilton_669_18276962_0_0_7001414_300.jpg

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I've been told I'm pretty but only by my friends and family. First of all, my family is obligated to say that, I think. And I feel my friends know me too well to judge my attractiveness. I feel they're attracted to my personality, and that, in turn, makes me more attractive to them. So I've never been told I'm pretty by someone who doesn't know me too well. Nor have I been told I'm pretty without asking how I look.

So no, I guess I'm not good looking then, which is probably for the best because the attention I'd get would bother me.

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This was the response to the girl who posted the old photo of herself. So looks don't matter. RIGHT. I have never looked that good even one day of my life, no one has asked me out in years, and I have never been told I'm pretty. When you get to be in your late 30s and realize that you're really ugly you might also have big crisis. If you don't good for you.

Catrina, what do you like about yourself? What makes you happy in life? What gives your existence meaning? Who was the last person to show you kindness, and how did it make you feel?

It sounds like your wounds run very deep, deeper than even the most expensive plastic surgeon can fix. Even if you had your whole body remade into the ideal you dream of, do you think you would then be happy? Will a change in appearance be enough to heal you? And if not, what will? No human alive lives without struggle; we invent them ourselves if life does not provide them. To find happiness in spite of (or perhaps because of) these struggles is the closest thing to heaven we can hope to attain with certainty; to be defeated and dragged down into despair is the deepest hell we can rationally expect to encounter. You may not have a choice whether you live in this heaven or this hell, but you do have a choice of which one to aim for. You have a choice of which outcome you will accept. Do you accept misery? Or will you settle for nothing less than happiness?

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off topic: just a response to 'Can people be good looking and asexual'? HELL YES, I know a drop dead gorgeous model who is grey-a. She could have all the guys in the world, but she's just not after it.

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go ahead, rant, if it makes you feel better... or you can PM me and rant ;)

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I've been internally focused for most of the last 20 years. HELLO, it's called a mid life crisis. One day you will go through one too. If looks aren't your issue great, move on, don't sit in judgment of me. I don't need tons a plastic surgery, just a 2nd nose job. I am hot from the neck down and always have been. My facial issues interfere with my daily life. If you weren't able to get people to make eye contact with you, or to take an interest in you as a person, you too would feel a lack of fulfillment. I've been alone too long. I've learned from many years of experience that focusing on the insides is helpful in the SHORT TERM. It is not healthy to be constantly focused on an inner life or to expect others to be interested in that. That is not adult or realistic. If you want to be active and happy in the REAL WORLD you need to have a clean, put together, basically normal look. I have that except for my nose. I am tired of feeling left out and alone. First impression really are everything; most people do not care at all about what kind of person you are until they've checked you out physically. There are even people who will assume that the more attractive you are the better and nicer a person you are!! Being physically unattractive has not helped me. That's the conclusion I've drawn in my late 30s. If your looks never influence your life and don't bother you great. But don't get on this thread and preach to me, I'm sick of putting up with judgmental know it alls like you.

This was the response to the girl who posted the old photo of herself. So looks don't matter. RIGHT. I have never looked that good even one day of my life, no one has asked me out in years, and I have never been told I'm pretty. When you get to be in your late 30s and realize that you're really ugly you might also have big crisis. If you don't good for you.

Catrina, what do you like about yourself? What makes you happy in life? What gives your existence meaning? Who was the last person to show you kindness, and how did it make you feel?

It sounds like your wounds run very deep, deeper than even the most expensive plastic surgeon can fix. Even if you had your whole body remade into the ideal you dream of, do you think you would then be happy? Will a change in appearance be enough to heal you? And if not, what will? No human alive lives without struggle; we invent them ourselves if life does not provide them. To find happiness in spite of (or perhaps because of) these struggles is the closest thing to heaven we can hope to attain with certainty; to be defeated and dragged down into despair is the deepest hell we can rationally expect to encounter. You may not have a choice whether you live in this heaven or this hell, but you do have a choice of which one to aim for. You have a choice of which outcome you will accept. Do you accept misery? Or will you settle for nothing less than happiness?

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I've been internally focused for most of the last 20 years. HELLO, it's called a mid life crisis. One day you will go through one too. If looks aren't your issue great, move on, don't sit in judgment of me. I don't need tons a plastic surgery, just a 2nd nose job. I am hot from the neck down and always have been. My facial issues interfere with my daily life. If you weren't able to get people to make eye contact with you, or to take an interest in you as a person, you too would feel a lack of fulfillment. I've been alone too long. I've learned from many years of experience that focusing on the insides is helpful in the SHORT TERM. It is not healthy to be constantly focused on an inner life or to expect others to be interested in that. That is not adult or realistic. If you want to be active and happy in the REAL WORLD you need to have a clean, put together, basically normal look. I have that except for my nose. I am tired of feeling left out and alone. First impression really are everything; most people do not care at all about what kind of person you are until they've checked you out physically. There are even people who will assume that the more attractive you are the better and nicer a person you are!! Being physically unattractive has not helped me. That's the conclusion I've drawn in my late 30s. If your looks never influence your life and don't bother you great. But don't get on this thread and preach to me, I'm sick of putting up with judgmental know it alls like you.

You didn't answer my questions.

I, unlike others here, am not suggesting that you "work on your self-perception" or even do anything strictly "inner-related". I'm suggesting that the damage has been done to you already, and is not going to be undone. I will take you at your word that you are ugly, that no one likes you or will ever like you for your looks. So I'm suggesting that maybe the door of physical appearance is CLOSED to you. You can't pass through it, you won't ever feel attractive no matter how much work you put into your inside or outside.

So I ask you, what DO you like about yourself? What makes you happy? I know you don't like your appearance and it makes you very unhappy. But there's more to you than that. What are you willing to do to find happiness? Where else can you look for it? You won't find happiness by agonizing over your appearance. You've said yourself that when you've been sexual in the past, you "know" that the guy doesn't want you, doesn't want to be there, and is just using you. No one can ever change your mind about that, not even you. You will never believe anyone, your self-image is set in stone. So find another battle to fight! This one is lost. But the war is not over until you are 6 feet under the ground.

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