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asexual or unattractive?


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I am wondering if this is really my issue. I never grew out of that unattractive awkward stage as an adolescent. So a lot of my asexual tendencies I think are related to the fact that I just don't feel that good about what I look like. I'm relatively OK looking...... but nothing special. My face is not that pretty, I'm short and small boned, and overall, just kind of BLAH. Half the reason I turn off during sex is because I know deep down the other person does not want to be there and is just using me. I've never had a real boyfriend and other than my body have never been told I'm pretty or beautiful, or at least not that often. I feel unattractive and don't want to have a sex life.

But I wonder, at this late hour, even if I got say a plastic surgery make over (yes plain and unattractive people are doing this) or really focused on believing I was pretty would it make any difference? I don't think it would. I've missed the boat for this lifetime.

Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?

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Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?

I won't claim to be one of them, because I'm way too modest...and it's also not even remotely true :(

That said, there is a photo thread floating around here somewhere and many of the folks brave enough to post their pics are very easy on the eye, so there are some holes in your theory.

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Take a look at the photos in news articles or the clips on youtube, too--we've got some hotties in the community. I've met a bunch of those people and I can tell you they're even better looking offscreen.

It sounds like you could use to get more comfortable with your appearance, because whether you're asexual or not that's going to mess with how you interact with others. You should feel lovable!

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Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?

of course. we're a diverse group.

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Yes, I am very pretty. If you look at the picture thread, you will see that there is not one person who would be considered ugly. Some are pretty, some are cute, some are handsome, some are cool looking, and some look like they would be crazy fun to be around. Some may not admit to any of those things, but believe me, there is not one instance where I would say, "OMG, no wonder they aren't having sex!".

You may be judging yourself more harshly than the rest of the world would.

There was a guy who was in the same grade level as my older brother. He was born with a genetic deformity. He was also voted class president. Why? It was all in his ATTITUDE. He was outgoing, always said "hi" to everyone no matter what clique they were in, always had a joke to tell and could put a smile on your face. He would never be on the football team or cheerleading squad, but that didn't stop him from participating in school activities. People liked him because he was going to have fun with life. Sure people stared at him when they first met him, but instead of feeling sorry for himself, he put himself in their shoes and understood why. Again, it's all about attitude.

My brother is famous for saying, "What are looks when your head's in the sewer?".

Look around you. Do you think only the drop dead gorgeous and hunky handsome are in relationships? Look again. There are plenty of people with what you may consider big noses or not perfect faces that are strolling down the street hand in hand. It's more than looks that attract people to each other.

You've got baggage left over from your school days?? Well, drop it. It is not helping you. There is life beyond those days. You had bad sex?? Super, you learned from it and no doubt figured out why it was just no good for you. Now move on. I can already tell you are on the right path because you refuse to settle for any more desperate jerks out there. You want quality?? Then you must believe that you deserve it. You must work on your attitude towards life and people and yourself. It's never too late.

I will repeat:

You are judging yourself more harshly than anyone else would. It's more than looks that attract people to each other ... especially as one matures and becomes (hopefully) wiser as a result. It's never too late.

Lucinda

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"Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?" People say I'm pretty, and when I look in the mirror, I do tend to like what I see. (Except after my martial arts class, when my hair looks like crap.)

"My face is not that pretty, I'm short and small boned, and overall, just kind of BLAH." Maybe you just need to learn how to do your hair to suit the shape of your face, and find the type of make up which is right for you. Don't bother with plastic surgery, it's expensive. Go to the local pharmacy, and check out the Maybelline rack. Beauty is not just what you are born with. 80% of beauty is the effort you put into it. Really.

Now, lesson number one: Hair. Get up in the morning, wash hair. Use a good conditioner, pick out good styling products that work well with your hair type. Blow dry it, use a curling iron if you want. Buy a set of hot rollers maybe. Do not be afraid to go to a beauty parlor and get your hair trimmed every two months -- most of us do. Ever wonder why some girls have nice hair? They work at it, and sometimes girls with a nice color hair get that hair from a bottle! (Very few blondes are real blondes, honey!)

Two... eyeliner. Pick a good color, and don't get the type that smudges. (Don't bother with the cheap brands, they s-ck.) Three -- lip gloss (get one with a nice moisturizer). Four -- powder (one shade paler than your face) and right on the nose. Don't forget concealer if you need it. Five -- clothes that work with your figure. If you like shades of brown or gray, use a nice rhinestone pin or a gold chain or a silk scarf to dress it up... Don't do flip flops unless you're at the beach. If you wear a skirt above the knee, wear pantyhose.

Now -- get a bunch of make up & beauty magazines and read up on skin care & cosmetic use. These mags do have articles on how-to. Try finding an old copy of that book from the 80's "Color Me Beautiful." And set aside time for yourself to experiment with colors & cosmetics.

Try the above & it will fix your beauty problems.

Most of us do not look like freakin Barbie. A plain person can fix herself up. It just takes effort. Now go to the make up store, buy some stuff, take it home and play with it until you figure it out. Lipstick is fun!

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I'm going to stop bringing this up on public message boards because it is clear to me that the public has trouble handling questions related to looks. That I felt homely as a teen and never really grew out of it is an epiphany I have had in my late 30s. I feel very judged for being told this is something I should be over. I don't know how old you are but I've noticed a lot of people on these boards seem to be quite young. Mid life is very difficult and no, teenage issues do NOT just magically go away. I waited for years for them to and they never did. What I've been doing is trying to figure out WHY I'm so averse to sex. I've concluded that I have a self image problem that started when I was a teenager. I don't think that being better looking would solve the problem. It sure wouldn't hurt though.

The poster who said I should wear make up and do my hair, duh, I do that every day. I've even had plastic surgery. I'll probably have to have a revision on my nose to get past what is really bothering me, and no, I'd rather that people didn't comment on that.

Thanks for judging me and have a great day!!

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Feeling that you are attractive I consider to be largely a mental thing. There are plenty of people out there who conform to an asthetic sense of beauty as deemed by society, but feel incredibly insecure about their looks because it is a constant fight to maintain "the perfect figure."

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You know what, I dont know about attractive unattractive, but Im sure of one thing. Im not the hottest guy in the world, but Im also not the worst looking guy in the world. So overall Im happy. I dont feel a need to be the hottest piece of A$$ in the world. I am perfectly happy being me, and if people cant deal with me being me I dont wanna be with them....

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Are there any REALLY GOOD LOOKING asexual people here?

Well, I've been told that I'm pretty or cute by the opposite sex and the same sex too. Personally, I don't know if I'm great looking (I do have my crappy days) but hey, if some other people think I'm pretty, than I'm not going to argue with them!

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cadmiumblimp

The best advice is to change your perceptions of yourself and I know that's not easy, 'cuz I've got problems with how I see myself as well, but there is a large amount of how you feel about yourself that carries over into how others see you.

I hope I didn't come off as judgemental...

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I feel very judged for being told this is something I should be over.

Catrina dear,

I wasn't judging you badly. I did not state that you should be over it. I implied that you need to get past it. But you know that already, no?

All the best with your inner and outer self image.

Lucinda

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Personally, I think I don't think I'm good-looking at all (in fact, I think I'm ugly), but I don't think it's affected my asexuality at all - it's just made me very self-conscious when around people, led to an eating disorder, and meant that I refuse to go outside unless I'm looking as perfect as I possibly can. Anyway, to avoid digression, I believe I could be exceptionally good-looking, and still not feel sexual attraction toward anyone, and still be slightly repulsed by the idea of me having sex with someone.

While I do agree that the best thing to do would be to, well, try your best to overcome such perceptions as best as you can, I fully realise (having tried to do it myself for two years with no success whatsoever) that it's extremely difficult - perhaps even impossible... I do wish you the best of luck though. :cake:

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Yeah can't say I am. But I am happy with who I am...most days...

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I wish I'd been pretty and popular because I'm convinced I would have been spared the curse of being unwanted and unappreciated. Seems that many people here are averse to sex from within. My situation I believe is related to factors outside myself. Therefore I feel like a victim and am angry. And I do feel judged because it is not something I'm over. How could I be over it? I'm probably never going to fully accept myself as an asexual because I feel guilty about it. I feel like there is something I could or should have done. For those of you who are very young I'll say this: my asexual issues started in my 20s. Now that I'm 30 something my life is so worthless and unfulfilling that I would do anything to become a more sexual person. I don't think that is possible though, too much time has passed and I don't think I can change. This asexual thing isn't something to play around with. If you can, get help. Don't just accept your life the way it is. I thought I'd be really happy just living my life day by day, enjoying other areas of life... in many ways I have been able to but I feel so horrible and sad about all that I've missed. Asexuality sucks. There is no other way to put it.

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Illuminated

I've been told that I'm "pretty" and "cute" (though not together :P) several times. Does that count?

Although, since I've never felt that I've wanted to sex someone, I can't really imagine what it would mean to be sexually attractive to someone.

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I would say I'm neither unattractive nor exceptionally attractive. I know at least one person thinks I'm pretty, but it seems the rest of the world could care less. I think beauty has little to do with sexuality. I think about beauty all day. I can't help it; it's like a disease (if a disease can be enjoyable....), but I'm as asexual as they come.

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I wish I'd been pretty and popular because I'm convinced I would have been spared the curse of being unwanted and unappreciated. Seems that many people here are averse to sex from within. My situation I believe is related to factors outside myself. Therefore I feel like a victim and am angry. And I do feel judged because it is not something I'm over. How could I be over it? I'm probably never going to fully accept myself as an asexual because I feel guilty about it. I feel like there is something I could or should have done. For those of you who are very young I'll say this: my asexual issues started in my 20s. Now that I'm 30 something my life is so worthless and unfulfilling that I would do anything to become a more sexual person. I don't think that is possible though, too much time has passed and I don't think I can change. This asexual thing isn't something to play around with. If you can, get help. Don't just accept your life the way it is. I thought I'd be really happy just living my life day by day, enjoying other areas of life... in many ways I have been able to but I feel so horrible and sad about all that I've missed. Asexuality sucks. There is no other way to put it.

Okay, I think that isn't really called for. If you don't want us to be judgemental, then please don't judge us.

Almost every asexual on this site seems to be happy with their asexuality. Some are not and want to change. Fair enough - I don't think that people should always be happy with the cards they are dealt. But when people start saying "I wish I was such-and-such, so you should wish you were such-and-such" it's not cool.

I am happy being asexual. I wouldn't change it for the world. I am NOT going to get help, because I don't need help. And age does not make a difference. There are asexuals on this site that are older than you, and they seem perfectly content being asexual. Please don't try to tell people that they shouldn't want to be what they are. That's up for THEM to decide.

Don't get me wrong though- I don't think you should be happy being asexual, but on the same token I'm not saying you should want to be sexual either. It's your decision. It's terrible that you are something you don't want to be, and I wish that it were easier to change such things. Unfortunately it's not and usually we have to make the best of what we have.

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Don't get me wrong though- I don't think you should be happy being asexual, but on the same token I'm not saying you should want to be sexual either.

Lonepiper,

Here is what I see as a problem and I am speaking in general terms. If someone is not happy being asexual, then chances are they are not asexual. From reading some of these posts, I get the impression that people think asexual means not having an active sex life. From my point of view, an asexual is a completely different cat than a non-practicing non-participating sexual.

I was born asexual. I have no interest in having sexual intercourse with another person. It seems I was very fortunate in that my best friend in highschool and I discovered the term in one of her older brother's college text. We knew it fit us to a tee. Sure we were different from our friends, but we certainly didn't feel like freaks. When I first started reading posts here, I was in tears to find out that others thought there was something wrong with them, they were neurotic or alone, until they discovered there were others like them. But then you read post after post after post of how relieved folks are to find this place. If I had known, I would have talked someone into creating such a website earlier. AVEN is a wonderful thing.

I am happy to be asexual. Why wouldn't I be? It is who I am. It has not stopped me from doing anything in life that I wanted to do. Furthermore, I am happy that I am not a sexual. I don't care what much of society does sexually. I will do what I want to do and be perfectly content.

But let me be perfectly clear. I am not asexual because I feel unwanted and unappreciated. I am not asexual because I have had experience with guys who I thought only used me for sex. I am not asexual because I think I am not pretty or popular enough for a good sexual relationship. That is not what asexuality is all about. If someone thinks they are forced to be celibate for any of these reasons, then they should seek therapy. No one forces themselves to be asexual. One forces themselves or convinces themselves that they can't be a sexual person for these reasons. Obviously they (not us) must chose to wallow in their misery or obtain help.

Most sincerely,

Lucinda

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I would do anything to become a more sexual person. I don't think that is possible though, too much time has passed and I don't think I can change. This asexual thing isn't something to play around with. If you can, get help. Don't just accept your life the way it is. I thought I'd be really happy just living my life day by day, enjoying other areas of life... in many ways I have been able to but I feel so horrible and sad about all that I've missed. Asexuality sucks. There is no other way to put it.

Sorry, that's not universally true. Like Lucinda, I'm happy in my orientation, and discovering the asexual community played a big role in my becoming a happier person.

If you're unhappy with your life, yes, change it. But it's important to be aware of what the real problems are and what can change, so you focus on the right things. I spent a number of years very insecure and lonely. The problem wasn't being unattractive or asexual, it was feeling inadequate and unlovable. Finding out that there were other asexual people helped me stop feeling that asexuality was something wrong with me, and work out what I really needed to change or improve in my life. These days I feel comfortable with myself and lovable, and I have love in my life. I feel more comfortable with my appearance, and people perceive me as attractive. I'm still asexual, and that can still be inconvenient. But I don't mind, and neither do the people who love me.

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BleedingThrough

Well I don't think I'm gorgeous but I'm at least average lol. At least I hope so.

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< retired >
...I feel so horrible and sad about all that I've missed. Asexuality sucks. There is no other way to put it.

Before you decide that (hyper)sexuality is the path to happiness and fulfillment, take a look at a bio for Marilyn Monroe:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_Monroe

Sophia Loren has also commented that extraordinary physical beauty has been as much a curse as a blessing.

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Lonepiper,

Here is what I see as a problem and I am speaking in general terms. If someone is not happy being asexual, then chances are they are not asexual. From reading some of these posts, I get the impression that people think asexual means not having an active sex life. From my point of view, an asexual is a completely different cat than a non-practicing non-participating sexual.

I do agree. I know there are and have been several asexual AVENites who have a regular sex life. But I still believe that one can easily be asexual and not want to be - just like homosexuals who wish they could be straight just so they can fit in and not be ostracised. While some asexuals are fine having sex and have a sex life, others aren't and don't. And it's these asexuals that are most likely going to feel "different", unwanted and ostracised. By no means all of them, but some of them, and I can perfectly understand why they might want to change and be sexual.

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People keep saying I am. I wish they wouldn't, I hate it. I don't wanna be attractive, I wanna be invisible.

Also, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. Like Keira Knightley? I think she's ugly, other people think she's gorgeous. They're insane. ---I mean, they have their own standards of beauty.

If you weren't "pretty" way back when, it's because you didn't think you were, not because you weren't. I'd argue it's the same thing, but it's not that no one thought you were or that you weren't.

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Wolf X Omega

I find the term attractive very relative, I think I'm attractive, but I'm pretty sure there are tons of other people who find me unattractive.

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i never really use the term 'attractive' and will add that it's a lot more relative than you'd gather from the media- i DO find i think some people look attractive, but i myself am at a complete loss for what's special about them. it's more a question of style when i notice it.

i don't really feel i have any worthwhile input on what to do if you feel unattractive and that that seems to be the reason for a lack of sexual relationships, other than that i had a friend who basically - unless there was some guy trying to have sex with her- was totally unable to get confirmation that she wasn't unattractive, so i definitely do see how feelings about being unattractive can affect someone's relationships and sex life.

i'm taking (based on the comments that started the post) that you would LIKE a sexual relationship but feel unattractive. given knowing a friend who had about the same deal, even when someone WOULD have sex with her she never really fully was able to get the level of confirmation she wanted about being attractive. i think it's a difficult issue, and perhaps (and i hope this doesn't sound patronizing- i myself see a psychiatrist and had to recently get a new one since i decided i had to actually talk about some things rather than accepting how things were going for me as 'the best they could be') you might want to look for a counselor of some sort with some experience working with people over how they feel about their own appearance.

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Some great responses, especially Lucinda's post. I did not mean to offend anyone about asexuality. I'm just saying I'm a lot older than most of you and yes, at my age it does suck. And no, it's not because I'm a repressed sexual. It's because I can't decide what to do with what has happened to me. I've never fantasized about sex or wished to have it but ever since I went on a birth control pill 4 years ago I've been much hornier than I used to be and don't know what to do with myself since I've never felt attractive enough to date and am so introverted that I don't think I could assert myself sexually if my life depended on it. I'm not sure WHAT is wrong with me. I'm here because I suspect that I might be somewhat asexual. But I could be a repressed sexual and in deep denial about it. I'm overly focused on my look because I'm unhappy with it and am going to change it. I'm going to have my nose redone and then get on with it. I discuss that on a different board so y'all won't have to tolerate listening to it.

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reverse_thrust

I am definitely not entirely comfortable with my appearance, particularly my teeth. Parents never being able to afford proper dental care, I have gone without braces and now my teeth are becoming increasingly misaligned. I still have difficulty smiling in spite of the fact that the teasing has stopped now that people have matured a bit.

Due to my extreme intraversion and my inherent inability to properly grasp social interaction, my social life is essentially dead. I'm distrustful due to my school experiences and so I rarely open up to people, which becomes a vicious cycle.

Most of this, of course, is a mental issue. My physical appearance is not, by society's standards, terribly unattractive, it's just my general demeanor is. People have shown interest in me, but often times they will lose that interest after they've talked with me for a while, as over time I've become increasingly snarky, cynical, and generally sarcastically pessimistic (in reality I'm a realist), qualities that the general population doesn't necessarily enjoy for extended periods.

I do question my a/sexuality at times, but for now I'm comfortable calling myself asexual, and aromantic to boot. The aromantic part might change as I become more comfortable with people, but as that might never happen, I'm not too concerned. It's life. Some of it sucks.

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