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dilemma


Kamikola

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So I have a new manager at work. And I was actually thinking about leaving before but now he's told me that he was going to make things better for me. He said, he will send me to cake decorating classes and I'll start decorating and some day I will finally become full time. He also said something about a raise and...

you get the picture.

Today he asked me out to dinner. I went with him and after that he started talking and finally I found out that he wants to go out with me. He said that from the first time he saw me he felt something and he actually asked to be transfered to my store just to be with me.

I told him that I don't have anybody not because I can't find anybody but because I don't want to but he just started saying that he understands that it will take me some time to get to know him and that he'll wait...

So that's the dilemma. He is my chance to improve my career... to actually have one so I want to continue this friendship and I told him that's all I want but he still has hope. He's a nice guy and I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want to use him just like that but if I turn him down right away I won't get a chance for a better job. And if I turn him down later... it will be to late, he will get hurt.

I think I already made the decision. But that stands against everything I believe in. I don't know how to handle the situation, how to tell him that I'm comepletely not interested. What to do so he wouldn't get hurt. What should I tell him?

Let's pretend that I will tell him I'm asexual. How would he handle that? Would he still want to fight for my job? In the back of my mind I keep hoping that we would become friends and live happily ever after but that's just a silly hope and in real life that doesn't happen too often... at least not to me.

I'm torn apart. I know this is my chance. There won't be any more, not anytime soon. But when seizing this chance I may loose the good side of my nature. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to change my life for better at the expense of my soul. I'm not one of those people and I don't want to become one.

But what can I do? What can I tell him? How can I reject him without hurting him? Is that even possible?

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bard of aven

If you don't want to do that, then don't. It is not worth it.

He is a manager; he finds you attractive; he gets himself transferred to your store; he offers to improve your working life/career in the context of going out with him and being his girlfriend. Have I got that right?

I hope not. Because it would be sleezy, immoral, and illegal on his part. And if he does not recognize this but thinks he is idealistic and well motivated, it almost makes it worse rather than better. But regardless, it sounds like blatant sexism and hostile workplace environment. But maybe I am overreacting. I have a short fuse on these issues. Can we hear from an HR expert here????

boa

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Cate Perfect
I don't want to change my life for better at the expense of my soul. I'm not one of those people and I don't want to become one.

I think that says it all. Don't do it. If you're uncomfortable with it now that discomfort is only going to grow with time.

And I'm with boa, the guy went through all of that trouble? That's very nearly stalking.

Cate

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The worst is that he keeps saying that I'm the best and that I deserve it.

I know I am and I do but... I guess I just have to ask him an honest question if I didn't go out with him, if he would still do all that for me. Did he went through all that trouble just to make me like him?

You know what I find funny? He keeps talking about thet guy Raul. My friend form work was sent to these cake classes and he told me that it was because Raul had an affair with her and he talked to higher managers to send her. And that's the only reason why she went there and I didn't.

But come to think of it, now he's doing the exactly same thing for me.

You're right. I don't want to better my career in this way.

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Carsonspire

Good choice, Kamikola. I agree wholeheartedly with boa and Cate on this one. Your morals should be your first priority.

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fluffy_hime
He is a manager; he finds you attractive; he gets himself transferred to your store; he offers to improve your working life/career in the context of going out with him and being his girlfriend. Have I got that right?

I hope not. Because it would be sleezy, immoral, and illegal on his part. And if he does not recognize this but thinks he is idealistic and well motivated, it almost makes it worse rather than better. But regardless, it sounds like blatant sexism and hostile workplace environment. But maybe I am overreacting. I have a short fuse on these issues. Can we hear from an HR expert here????

I completely agree!! That is totally illegal, Kami. Promotions that depend on sexual favors/romantic relationships is SEXUAL HARASSMENT. If he has made it clear that you must do this or not get promoted/lose your job, go over his head. Immediately. Otherwise, if it won't affect your promotion, just tell him no, I'm not interested.

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once again, HR major to the rescue!

What is your company's policy? In a lot of stores, management is not supposed to date non-management, employees aren't supposed to date other employees, etc. You can let him down easy and still keep the perks by saying that it would be against company policy (or just that you won't date people you work with)

On the sexual harassment note, it doesn't sound like anything I've heard constitutes sexual harassment. He took you out for a friendly dinner, and he's shown some special interest in you. This could be construed as unprofessional behavior, but I doubt it. It really does sound like he's just a genuinely interested guy who's trying to show you some special attention to impress you, and that's legal to a point he hasn't crossed yet.

If you want to keep him as a friend, and possibly keep the benefits he can offer your career without being his girlfriend, you should discuss how you feel with him. You can tell him you're afraid it might hurt your careers and your personal relationships. If he still won't drop it, or if he does anything as a result that threatens you, you have a sexual harassment case. And since he just transferred, you can easily go over his head, delicately explain the situation to a superior, and get him transferred back out of there before he gets his roots in.

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bard of aven
You know what I find funny? He keeps talking about thet guy Raul. My friend form work was sent to these cake classes and he told me that it was because Raul had an affair with her and he talked to higher managers to send her. And that's the only reason why she went there and I didn't.

That in itself sounds like grounds for a complaint to the relevant government agency, as well as to upper management. If Raul did that, that in itself should be actionable. If he is telling this to you in the context of suggesting a similar arrangement, it's tim,e to run like hell to the state office that overseas employment issues, and your own lawyer.

boa

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Well, that certainly sounds like it could help, but I'm thinking of his defense. Raul's cake class? That's where he got the idea. Raul had an affair with the girl? "Gee I forgot about that...slipped my mind completely. Total coincidence." Doesn't matter whether he's lying or not, unless you can prove it.

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Listen to the advice on this thread, Kami.

The guy is a sleeze and what he giveth, he can taketh away. That is, he can send you to all the classes he wants because then, in his eyes, you'll owe him forever. Listen to the lines he's giving you. They're not original.

I would make it VERY public what he is doing. Don't worry about how to tell him you're asexual. Find ways to tell him to kiss your ass.

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The thing is that I'm a little afraid to tell him what I really think and I'm afraid that going to higher authorities wouldn't help because he's good friends with all the important people in my company. From what I heard, they will do anything for him so the'll surely defend him. Of course I could blackmail him with sexual harrassment complaint but I don't think I can go through with that. I'm too weak to attack somebody like that.

I'm such a chicken. I was supposed to meet him today (again :evil: ) and I knew that I had to clear this out and I was getting "the speech" ready when I realized that those words would never come out of my mouth. So I thought it would be easier to write it down and just let him read it. I even considered sending it in an email but he doesn't have internet. Maybe that's for the best because email wouldn't be too smart thing to do.

I'm a chicken

I told him I couldn't see him and he surprised me by saying ok. He thought it was because it was raining. Later he called and I picked up and said "Maria's not home" and I hung up on him. That will be so freaky if he recognized my voice. I just didn't feel like talking to him at all.

What am I supposed to do now? Tell him of course but I don't think I have guts to do that.

I just feel like quiting. I don't like that job anyway and I stopped looking for other just because I got my hopes up with the promotion he promised me but now that I know that the only reason he went through all that trouble was to make me like him, I just feel like going back to reading classifieds. Maybe I'll find something.

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I just feel like quiting. I don't like that job anyway and I stopped looking for other just because I got my hopes up with the promotion he promised me but now that I know that the only reason he went through all that trouble was to make me like him, I just feel like going back to reading classifieds. Maybe I'll find something.

this is the instinct you have to follow, Kami.

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Live R Perfect
He said that from the first time he saw me he felt something

And THAT is the cheesiest chat up line ever... :roll:

I told him that I don't have anybody not because I can't find anybody but because I don't want to but he just started saying that he understands that it will take me some time to get to know him and that he'll wait...

In other words he wasn't listening to you... :roll:

He's a nice guy and I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want to use him just like that but if I turn him down right away I won't get a chance for a better job. And if I turn him down later... it will be to late, he will get hurt.

OK maybe he is a nice guy, but I don't think you should be worrying about his feelings at this point. I'm sure he will cope if you tell him you're not interested. If you lead him on just to better your career then that WOULD be wrong and things really could turn nasty...

I'm torn apart. I know this is my chance. There won't be any more, not anytime soon. But when seizing this chance I may loose the good side of my nature. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to change my life for better at the expense of my soul.

You never know what opportunities lie in wait for you around the corner, Kami... Don't go against your instincts out of fear that this is your only chance to make something of yourself. I'm sure there are a lot of other things you are capable of if this job doesn't work out as you would like.

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fluffy_hime

Don't quit! Then he wins!

I don't understand why it's difficult to tell him you're not interested. THEN if he persisted and suggested your job was on the line or else, you could take the proper action. Which is...SUDDEN DEATH! No, I kid. Just torture at the hands of Tressa.

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Later he called and I picked up and said "Maria's not home" and I hung up on him. That will be so freaky if he recognized my voice. I just didn't feel like talking to him at all.

quote]

>Giggling<

There ya go! Use my approach! Creep him out!

Walk up to him at work and tell him you're still not there.

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Don't quit! Then he wins!

Huh? He wasn't trying to make her quit. Kami should go with her instincts.

Just torture at the hands of Tressa.

Is that the rep I have around here?! :P

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Don't quit! Then he wins!
But I want to quit. I've been looking for a different job for months. But now it will seem as if I quit because of him!!!

There's just no way out of this.

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bard of aven

And in a sense, you will have. But go out shooting. Letters to the state employment commission and the president of the company, perhaps?

boa

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fluffy_hime

::agrees with boa the Wise::

Just torture at the hands of Tressa.

Is that the rep I have around here?! :P

Hehehe...yeah...you do know an awful lot about serial killers and torture methods.

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Today he stayed at work longer (his shift ends way before mine) and my suspicions were unfortunetly right. He waited to ask me for a dinner (again!!!!) and I said no. Luckily enough something else cought his attention and I didn't have to explain why. I wanted to but we weren't alone and I didn't want to embarras him in front of others.

How often do sexuals go out for dinners? Isn't it unusual to be going out EVERY SINGLE DAY? Because he's been asking me every day.

That's one of the things I couldn't stand before I learned I'm asexual. Everytime I tried dating, I always wondered why the guy would want to see me every day when for me once a week was already too much. I guess I'll never understand that.

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That's what I picked up on from the beginning, Kami, you weren't happy there to begin with, you were going to quit. Everyone here has had some great ideas! And...don't forget when you fill out resumes and they ask you for the reason you left your last job, tell them that your manager was promising you advancement in the company if you'd go out with him.

And never mind about not wanting him to get hurt, he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, he doesn't deserve your concern.

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lol

Do you really think I should write that on my resume?

Maybe it's not such a bad idea. I bet they don't see that very often on resumes. Mine will stand out.

That's a great idea!!!

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VivreEstEsperer

Hey Maria... what a difficult and unpleasant situation!

I think Boa gives very good advice, so follow his.

And yeah I definitely think you should write that on your resume :) Being honest is good.

I hope it works out for you.... you have my sympathy!!

Kate

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