A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'd appreciate help from sexuals here. I honestly don't understand what's going on. Although some sexual people see sex as a primarily physical matter (and are therefore content with one-night stands, encounters with prostitutes, etc.), others claim that it's about love and that they would want to do it only with someone they loved. Yet these same people often feel sexually attracted to people they've never met, on the sole basis of looks or even less. Presumably they do not feel love for a perfect stranger, yet they do feel sexual attraction. That seems to suggest that sex is not primarily about love after all. Link to post Share on other sites
chatha Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'd LOVE to have love. But I don't want to have sex. Ever. (scratches head...) maybe we're just weird and there's no logical answer? I dunno... Link to post Share on other sites
Puzzle_chick Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I can't speak for sexuals, but as an asexual it's an easy distinction. Love = warm fuzzy happy feeling I like lots sex = no thnx plz. As for how sexuals distinguish it I think it REALLY depends on the person. Probably lust plays a role in there someplace. Or possibly with someone they didn't love the entire emotional side would be removed? Just speculation though.. Link to post Share on other sites
GreyCloud Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Most people can feel sexually attracted to a person they don't know very well. This doesn't require emotional attraction or love. On the other hand, when they fall in love with someone usually they are also sexually attracted to that person. It is not required though, but to sexuals love without attraction is usually not really considered love. Some people also claim to be able to develop love for a person they don't know well, this is something I don't get, as it is my belief that you have to get close to someone in order to love them. But apparently a lot of people are also capable of this. I think they confuse it with emotional and/or sexual attraction. Does that make a little sense? Link to post Share on other sites
fonfeluch Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'd appreciate help from sexuals here. I honestly don't understand what's going on.Although some sexual people see sex as a primarily physical matter (and are therefore content with one-night stands, encounters with prostitutes, etc.), others claim that it's about love and that they would want to do it only with someone they loved. Yet these same people often feel sexually attracted to people they've never met, on the sole basis of looks or even less. Presumably they do not feel love for a perfect stranger, yet they do feel sexual attraction. That seems to suggest that sex is not primarily about love after all. For me sex is NOT about Love Love and sex are two different things, even for sexual person i guess. For me these are two different things :) I think that attraction toward another living being (not only human :) ) is not related to stimulation of sexual organs:). Among 'sexual people', attraction seem to make an occasion for sex, but still i do believe that these are two different things. Have you seen my videos? I divide things that people use to call 'love' in three cathegories: 1. Concern for someone, friendship. 2. Attraction (i think it is strongly related to motherhood, sic!) 3. The third cathegory, which for me is not love, -- sex, in other words stimulation of sexual organs. Now about point 2 :) Notice that peple not only like other people, but animals as well. Look at children playing with puppies, that scene CANNOT be rendered by sexual intentons. So i think that attraction is not about sex, but it is about mother and child, in other words, Love is not about sex, it is about one living being taking care about the other :) take care Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'm asking about the feelings of SEXUALS here. I already know that asexuals don't link love and sex. Link to post Share on other sites
GreyCloud Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'm asking about the feelings of SEXUALS here. I already know that asexuals don't link love and sex. Actually, I do. Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Will everyone who has nothing relevant to say about the question at hand kindly butt out? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Most people can feel sexually attracted to a person they don't know very well. This doesn't require emotional attraction or love. On the other hand, when they fall in love with someone usually they are also sexually attracted to that person. It is not required though, but to sexuals love without attraction is usually not really considered love. So what do these two types of sexual attraction have in common? I don't see. Link to post Share on other sites
GreyCloud Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 So what do these two types of sexual attraction have in common? I don't see. One is physical (sexual) - you feel drawn to a person based on their looks and/or attitude and want to have Sex with them - and the other is emotional - you feel emotionally and spiritually drawn to someone, want to be with them etc. The physical type often happens without the emotional part - attraction doesn't require love, but the emotional type ist usually accompanied by the physical - when you love someone (as a sexual) you're usually also sexually attracted to them. Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 If the physical type can happen without the emotional, why can't the emotional happen without the physical? Also, what exactly is it that causes people to be sexually attracted to someone at first sight? A pretty face? A curvaceous body? I can think "That person is very pretty" without wanting to go and do anything with the person. Link to post Share on other sites
GreyCloud Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I didn't say it can't happen, just that it's usually the other way around. As for what causes sexual attraction at first sight I can just go along with oyur guesses.A pretty face, a nice body. The way they carry themselves, a look, the voice... Link to post Share on other sites
fonfeluch Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'm asking about the feelings of SEXUALS here. I already know that asexuals don't link love and sex. so you've got my view above, just scroll the screen up :). Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'd appreciate help from sexuals here. I honestly don't understand what's going on.Although some sexual people see sex as a primarily physical matter (and are therefore content with one-night stands, encounters with prostitutes, etc.), others claim that it's about love and that they would want to do it only with someone they loved. Yet these same people often feel sexually attracted to people they've never met, on the sole basis of looks or even less. Presumably they do not feel love for a perfect stranger, yet they do feel sexual attraction. That seems to suggest that sex is not primarily about love after all. No, sexual attraction is not primarily about love, it's separate, as one-night stands prove. But, taking these separate things, you've got nine(ish) possibilities: No love + no sexual attraction. This is how sexuals feel about the vast majority of other people. No love + mild sexual attraction. In this case you might see someone, and have some sexual thoughts, but not feel the need (or the want) to act on them. No love + full-on sexual attraction Depends on the person how they react to this. Some will persue one-night stands, others may dislike loveless sex and not act at all. Mild affection + no sexual attraction This is how sexual feel about most of their friends. Mild affection + mild sexual attraction Again it depends on both people. Some will pursue fuckbuddy relationships, others may dislike loveless sex and just put up with some sexual tension in the friendship. Mild affection + full-on sexual attraction There may be sexual tension in the relationship, but some people can control acting on their attraction perfectly well. Or not, and acting on it may be fine for both, or not. Love + no sexual attraction For some people this is fine, for others troubling. Either they'll want to find a person they are attracted to so they aren't missing out on something important to them, or they may stay, but find sex unpleasant. Love + mild sexual attraction The basis for many, many happy relationships. Love + full-on sexual attraction If it's mutual: bliss. Of course that's a huge oversimplification, but you get the idea, hopefully. What you talked about in your original post - people who claim they only want sex with those they love (I'm one) - it's a case of still feeling attraction more widely, but only wanting to act on it with those they love. Pursuing sex with everyone you met and found sexually attractive would be tiring, to say the least, not to mention annoying to your partner if you have one :) Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Thank you, Olivier. If I understand correctly, you might routinely come across strangers whom you find sexually appealing without wanting to jump them, and you might also fall in love with someone whom you initially found not at all sexually appealing and end up feeling sexually attracted to that person as your love developed. Is that so? You implied that sexual attraction in a romantic relationship might not be mutual. I fully agree, since many of us asexuals are quite capable of loving someone without feeling any sexual attraction. Yet in the relationships (two) that I have had, my partner simply assumed that her sexual attraction to me would be reciprocated. You would seem to agree that that is an unsafe assumption, even when both people are sexuals. Sexual incompatibilities are actually quite common: one person is into bondage or anal sex, the other is not; one person wants it every day, the other can't handle more than once a week; one person finds the relationship sexually fulfilling, the other is bored and unhappy. So why should two people in a romantic relationship necessarily feel the same sexual attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Yep, all of that :) When I worked in the city, and saw (in passing) several hundred people a day on the trains and sidewalks etc there could easily have been a dozen or more EACH DAY that I found sexually attractive, including some I worked with. Acting on all of that would have been impossible, even if I had wanted to. As it happens, the main reason I didn't want to wasn't that I didn't have time, it was that I was (and am still :)) deeply in love with my (asexual) wife. Go figure :) Link to post Share on other sites
OwlSaint Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Demi here, proving the link between love and sex. \o/ Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 So then why did those people turn all bitter towards me for not feeling sexual attraction to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 So then why did those people turn all bitter towards me for not feeling sexual attraction to them? Well, I'm going to make the assumption that "those people" were romantic partners. And if that's the case, then you need to understand that for sexual people expressing romantic attraction and sexual attraction is all bundled up together (to the point where many cannot distinguish the two). So when they are offering that to you and you reject it (because of the sexual element), then they feel rejected both sexually and romantically. Also, if they think of a sex as a gift, then not only are you saying "I don't care for your gift", but also "And I'm not giving a gift to you either". Cue bitterness. Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 But you said that even a sexual partner might not have been interested in their "gift" of sex. So how could they expect their sexual attraction to be reciprocated? That's like loving someone else and expecting him to love you back, then getting all bitter when he turns out not to feel for you what you feel for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Yes, it's true that even a sexual partner with a lower drive could reject sexual advances in the same way. But I think the bitterness may well surface then as well. And some people do feel bitter if their love is not reciprocated, especially if they feel they've been led on. To some extent also, the propensity to bitterness is also something that varies from person to person. Some are given to it, others not. Link to post Share on other sites
chatha Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 ...telling us to butt out when we try to answer... -_- um, you can take your ball and go home now. I don't wanna play any more. Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 From my perspective, it's no safer for a romantic partner to assume sexual attraction in the other than for one to assume that a stranger to whom one is sexually attracted in the street will feel sexually attracted in kind. Also, I'm not sure that it's even about a "lower drive". Is it not possible for a sexual person to be sexually attracted to other people but not to the person he loves? Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 I said that the question was addressed to "sexuals here". If you had opened your eyes before your mouth, we wouldn't have had all this trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
chatha Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I said that the question was addressed to "sexuals here". If you had opened your eyes before your mouth, we wouldn't have had all this trouble. ooooooh My aren't you the rude little child. We were trying to be helpful. You did not need to be so rude. -_- Besides, I didn't open my mouth. This is the Internet. I typed. Meh! :) Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangie77 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi! Another sexual here willing to answer your question... I have to say that the connection between sex and love is very complicated and varies from person to person... But for me, I fall into that category that Olivier explained- mild sexual attraction to a variety others usually sparked by some ineterst in their personality, but desire to act on sexual feelings only with someone I love... So sexuals can feel mildly or very sexually attracted to others, but desire action with only a few. Others may want action with whatever strikes their fancy. However, I have to say that most sexuals DO equate sex and love in a committed romantic relationship. Although some people may have sex with whoever, most people who are in love (and are sexual) will expect that sex will eventually be a part of the relationship. It is as assumed as smiling or laughing with a partner- it's assumed that people who love one another very much will share their sexuality (which for most sexuals is a private things shared with only a handful of people. Some, like me, intend to only ever have one sexual partner). Most sexuals don't even know that asexuality exists, therefore, they assume a basic sexual compatability with romantic partners... I guess, after reading several posts where asexuals ask this kind of question ('Why did my sexual romantic partner get so mad that I don't want sex?'), I'd advise that, in the future, if you begin developing a relationship with someone who is likely sexual, please be upfront about your asexuality. It may very well make a huge difference to a partner who desires to express love sexually and it's only fair that you be honest about your orientation. For the sexual, waiting until she/he is ready to share themselves sexually with you before this comes up would be as unfair as a gay man not telling a striaght woman he's gay until she's having lots of deep intenst feelings and is ready to have sex. It's just the 'burden' of the party with the more a-typical orientation to inform their potential partner that they may not be able to fulfill the other's needs... Olivier is correct that, as for most sexuals, having sex with someone you love is a huge decision/step. It likely has caused the sexual lots of time and emotional energy to decide that they desire and are ready for a sexual relationship, because sex, for a sexual, often cements/deepens/intisifies their existing feelings for the other person. When one is ready to take that step and the feeling is not reciprocated, one can feel VERY rejected and may then begin to question the entire direction of the relationship... It IS that big a deal for sexuals who are romantically bonded with their partner... I would venture that MOST sexuals are in this boat and not the one-night-stand boat... If you haven't already done so, check out the thread 'What it's like to be Sexual' on the partners/friends/allies board. I think it will help you understand more of what sex is like for the sexual... Thanks for asking such a great question. I think it shows you are trying to understand (and maybe grow?) so future relationships with sexuals can be more fulfilling for you both... Angie Link to post Share on other sites
Tool1989 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Sex doesn't equal love at all. Love is when you accept your partner for who they are and are willing to die for them...it's like you can't live without them. Love is scary for some people and I don't know why. People misunderstand sex is love either cuz they want to justify their actions or cuz they heard it from other people. Link to post Share on other sites
yessenia Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Why is it that we as asexuals are so disgusted with sex, why can't we be willing to love someone emotionally and fisical? How can we change that?....I as a romantic would love to meet someone i can touch and let them touch me and not fill weird or disgusted..would'nt u want to be able to be loved ficically, with out having this feelings of regret? Link to post Share on other sites
ghosts Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Modly reminder - please guys, don't let this get out of hand, ok? And I'm moving this over to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies. -ghosts, Relationships moderator Link to post Share on other sites
A-listed Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks for replying, Angie. Yes, I've seen that other thread; I've even contributed a few messages. I certainly agree that we should not lead sexuals on in a developing relationship. The problem is finding an appropriate time. We can't just say to people we've only just met "You should be aware that I'm asexual, so if you have your sights set on a sexual relationship with me, you may want to stop at this point"; that would be jarring and bizarre, besides which it would rudely imply that the other person had shown signs of sexual interest in us when the person may have wanted merely to be friends or even just to have a chat. My best solution to this problem is to start talking about friendship at a fairly early point, such as by saying "I'm so glad that we're friends", and hoping that the person will get the hint. It just occurred to me that bisexuals may have some useful advice, since they must encounter this problem when they are sexually attracted to someone of an incompatible sexual orientation. I tyr to understand how other people think and feel. Elsewhere someone raised the analogy of a person who has been blind from birth: intellectually he may understand vision, but he hasn't experienced it himself. That's how I feel about sexual attraction: I know that it happens, but I don't fully understand how or why; I can't easily relate it to anything in my own experience. (Sexuals, incidentally, should be able to understand asexuality somewhat by thinking back to their pre-pubescent years, when they most likely felt no sexual attraction.) Link to post Share on other sites
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