Giving Pleasure [warning, probably graphic]

[Hallucigenia]

I was just talking about this with someone and realized that neither one of our (extremely limited) experiences with this were what I previously thought of as normal. So I decided it would be interesting to head over to the Sexual Partners forum to see what people's different experiences were.

I have heard a lot on these forums - from sexuals, gray folks, and asexuals alike - along the lines of "I enjoy giving sexual pleasure to my partner." On the surface of it, a very simple and obvious-seeming statement. But what is it that you're actually enjoying?

In particular, is it your partner's pleasure itself that you enjoy? Or is it merely a liking for the little sounds and gestures and things that you associate with pleasure?

For instance, if your partner is experiencing sexual pleasure but isn't flailing and moaning and making a big show of it, do you still experience vicarious pleasure, or does it begin to feel like a chore? Conversely, if your partner is doing the flailing and moaning, but for some other reason besides sexual pleasure, do you still get the same charge from it?

Also, just what is this vicarious pleasure made of? Is it a sexual thrill, or an emotional "I'm-so-glad-they're-happy" thing, or a power rush, or what? Some of each?

I fully expect different people to say vastly different things about this. I'm just curious about how vastly different, and in which directions. And, despite my choice of forum, I welcome answers from gray folks and asexuals (as well as sexuals) who feel they can relate to the subject matter.

[GreyCloud]

The greates pleasure of making love to my girlfriend is the intensity in which I experience her pleasure. I can feel it in her moves, I can hear it in her breath and the little sounds she makes. It excites me to just be there when she is on such a high, physically and emotionally. It's hard to find words to describe what happens in these moments. My heartbeat fastenes, my breathing gets deeper, and for a while I'm in this cloud of pleasure. It feels like my body adopts her physical perceptions and emotional impressions. I'd say it's the closest I come to actually pleasurable sensation myself.

Apart from that I also feel a very close emotional connection by expression my love for her through touches and such. She gets that look in her eyes when we're intimate, that says so much more than "I love you" can say. In those moments I wish I were able to give some of that back to her by allowing her to touch me too. I'd love to be able to experience those feelings that cause said look in her eyes.

[Chiaroscuro]

In particular, is it the pleasure itself that you enjoy? Or is it merely a liking for the little sounds and gestures and things that you associate with pleasure?

Also, just what is this vicarious pleasure made of? Is it a sexual thrill, or an emotional "I'm-so-glad-they're-happy" thing, or a power rush, or what? Some of each?

Interesting question, Hallu. You're right, "sexual pleasure" is code for something which probably varies all over the place. Here's my take:

First, yes the pleasure is enjoyable, but it's not the whole thing (otherwise masturbation would quench the "thirst"). Second, I do enjoy everything associated with giving and receiving pleasure (moans, sounds, intimate talk, whatever). It doesn't have to be flailing or porn-star screaming (I've never honestly experienced that sort of vocalizing, I think it's more for theatrics than anything that happens a lot in reality).

The primary attraction for me is that sex is a private moment between lovers that exists in no other place and with no other person (usually). There's something distinctive about that shared space that can't be replicated in any other way.

-Chiaroscuro

[Eddie7]

I haven't been in the position where it could happen very often, but the few times it has, I liked it. I'm not entirely sure, and it does seem vaguely silly that I have no desire to be sexual myself but I can enjoy 'helping' someone else be.

Or is it merely a liking for the little sounds and gestures and things that you associate with pleasure?

Yes, quite possibly, despite how strange that may seem. There was just something about the reactions that I liked.

For instance, if your partner is experiencing sexual pleasure but isn't flailing and moaning and making a big show of it, do you still experience vicarious pleasure, or does it begin to feel like a chore? Conversely, if your partner is doing the flailing and moaning, but for some other reason besides sexual pleasure, do you still get the same charge from it?

Good question, but I don't think I was ever in this position unfortunately. Obviously there can be similar reactions to random, little, non-sexual things, but nothing that compares exactly. I'm not sure quite how relevant the sexual pleasure part is though, as I did tend to find even the most stupid non-sexual things to bring pleasure in a similar way. Not really sure though.

Also, just what is this vicarious pleasure made of? Is it a sexual thrill, or an emotional "I'm-so-glad-they're-happy" thing, or a power rush, or what? Some of each?

Well I'm pretty certain it was never a sexual thrill in my case, and (as awful as it sounds) not that much of a glad they're happy thing either. Don't get me wrong, that certainly played in some part in it, but I don't think looking back that I was so emotionally attached as for that to be everything. Given the kind of person that I am, it wouldn't surprise me at all if some kind of power rush played into it.

[Puzzle_chick]

I've never actually been in that situation, but as an asexual that's willing to consider certain sexual-type acts for my partner, (cause I'd only ever be with someone I truly loved so if that person turned out to be sexual, that's where this situation would come in), for me it would be all about the emotional I'm-so-glad-she's-happy thing. A lot of life in general is about that for me. I love to make the people I care about smile. I like knowing something I did made my friends happy or whatever. So with a partner it would be the same thing. Being intimate through doing something to/with her she enjoyed so much and knowing I could cause that pleasure for her.

[hooloovoo]

as a sexual... for me it's not really about the noises they make. well, except that those are signs they are enjoying it and thus helpful. i enjoy giving pleasure for the same reason i like giving people presents. it's great when someone i love is happy. so... not a sexual thrill at all, really. a little bit of a power rush kind of though, i tend to feel somewhat impressed with myself, like "look what i did!".

[Olivier]

In particular, is it your partner's pleasure itself that you enjoy? Or is it merely a liking for the little sounds and gestures and things that you associate with pleasure?

I agree with greycloud - it's the effect on breathing that gets me, especially the sudden sharp intake of breath, the racing heartbeat, and the little twiches, and... well, it's hard to say exactly, but the whole package.

For instance, if your partner is experiencing sexual pleasure but isn't flailing and moaning and making a big show of it, do you still experience vicarious pleasure, or does it begin to feel like a chore?

Big shows are not necessary (or particularly believable, sometimes) - my partner's pleasure is certainly enough. A sincere involuntary cry of encouragement is a bit of a bonus, but it doesn't make it that much better.

Conversely, if your partner is doing the flailing and moaning, but for some other reason besides sexual pleasure, do you still get the same charge from it?

No, not at all.

Also, just what is this vicarious pleasure made of? Is it a sexual thrill, or an emotional "I'm-so-glad-they're-happy" thing, or a power rush, or what? Some of each?

For me, it's mainly a sexual thrill - it certainly gets me mightily aroused . Of course there's an emotional element as well, and not so much a power rush as a feeling of pride in a job well done :)

[PatricioINTP]

Like Puzzle_chick, I haven't made it to a point in a relationship where I pleased a another without pleasing myself. Some rather give than receive and, like me, don't need much or anything at all. I've read and seen education videos on anatomy and what gets a woman worked up. To me its fascinating and maybe something challenging to do when the time arrives. Its like a performance on stage. What actors, singers, dancers, etc. work so hard for is that standing ovation. My motivation is similar.

[Ewok]

I'm a weird one and this always come sup in relationships that have ended up in the bedroom (Where I'm the least comfortable). I don't like giving, at all.

It makes me feel incredibly selfish, but that's the part that grosses me out the most about sex. I feel awkward and weird and it shows, and I've been asked by partners to do something multiple times after I've said I don't do that particular thing.

:( Poor ewoks, we are confused critters.

[< retired >]

But what is it that you're actually enjoying?

I've always lavished affection on my girlfriends because they've had beautiful bodies, and touching these bodies gives me pleasure. It would be nice to someday find a woman who I admire/like/appreciate so much that I can give her affection for who she is rather than just playing with her wonderful body.

Interestingly, I've never had a lover who I would characterize as 'generous' or 'affectionate' - they've all been interested primarily in what I could do for them (i.e., how I could make them feel). Is this human (female) nature, or do I just attract this type? The jury's still out on that one.

[PatricioINTP]

they've all been interested primarily in what I could do for them (i.e., how I could make them feel). Is this human (female) nature, or do I just attract this type? The jury's still out on that one.

You got "probably graphic" up there, right?

I have a theory. Men don't take as long as women to get to orgasm. Me thinks that if a guy can keep going till she is satisfied, that to women is the same as a man who has the patience to take care of the kids. If he orgasms, rolls over, and leave her unsatisfied, she might think he will dump her as soon as she says I'm pregnant.

Likewise, I hear many women say if they don't have an emotional attachment, its "just sex" and not on the same level as "making love". I wonder if another difference between the two (I don't know! Never had sex yet!) is how much they get out of it. If only he gets satisfaction, for them its a chore she does for him => feel used then thrown away => not good daddy figures.

I might be wrong! This theory is by a virgin aseuxal after all! Or gray-A. Demi?

Another thing, ChooseYourBattles, whenever I mention I want squat in return to women - almost all online e-pals - they think I'm crazy since love is a two way street. So tell me where do you find these 'selfish' women? I find it weird that the one giving all the affection is the one in control.

[< retired >]

Men don't take as long as women to get to orgasm.

This generalization may be inaccurate. It depends on the folks involved and what they're doing.

So tell me where do you find these 'selfish' women?

It may be that the theory states that it's a two-way street, but the reality is that it is more often a one-way street.

[BunnyK.]

I was just talking about this with someone and realized that neither one of our (extremely limited) experiences with this were what I previously thought of as normal. So I decided it would be interesting to head over to the Sexual Partners forum to see what people's different experiences were.

I have heard a lot on these forums - from sexuals, gray folks, and asexuals alike - along the lines of "I enjoy giving sexual pleasure to my partner." On the surface of it, a very simple and obvious-seeming statement. But what is it that you're actually enjoying?

In particular, is it your partner's pleasure itself that you enjoy? Or is it merely a liking for the little sounds and gestures and things that you associate with pleasure?

For instance, if your partner is experiencing sexual pleasure but isn't flailing and moaning and making a big show of it, do you still experience vicarious pleasure, or does it begin to feel like a chore? Conversely, if your partner is doing the flailing and moaning, but for some other reason besides sexual pleasure, do you still get the same charge from it?

Also, just what is this vicarious pleasure made of? Is it a sexual thrill, or an emotional "I'm-so-glad-they're-happy" thing, or a power rush, or what? Some of each?

I fully expect different people to say vastly different things about this. I'm just curious about how vastly different, and in which directions. And, despite my choice of forum, I welcome answers from gray folks and asexuals (as well as sexuals) who feel they can relate to the subject matter.

I suppose it depends on the situation.

When I'm having sex, the evidence of my partner's pleasure becomes kind of a feedback loop. He indicates pleasure through sound or movement or whatever, and then I'm more aroused because I know he's turned on, so I enjoy it more - then he sees the obvious signs of my pleasure, and that arouses him, and so on. It doesn't necessarily have to be a porn-star show to be arousing - just things like changes in breathing, movement, things that are said, etc. So THAT is a sexual thrill, as well as an emotional "glad they're happy" thing - because if my partner wasn't enjoying it, I would have a really hard time a)staying aroused, and b ) not feeling selfish.

When I'm just doing my partner a favor and I'm not involved, it's a little less sexual (though sometimes it can turn me on), a little more "glad you're happy", and a little bit of a power rush. When I don't have my own pleasure to distract me, it's a little easier to concentrate on leaving my partner exhausted and panting, which is what I really like to do (at least when there's time). It's not entirely an innocent pleasure, but I don't get any physical happiness out of it for myself.

I wouldn't particularly like it if my partner were completely unresponsive, because that doesn't give you much to work with. You're not sure if they're liking it, or what to do to make them more aroused. On the other hand, if they were making a show but not out of arousal, I wouldn't like that either (assuming I found out), because the only circumstance where I really want to have sex and am aroused by it is when the other person is aroused and having fun too. I have had sex under other circumstances, but it's never anywhere near as good - emotionally or physically - for me, and I would avoid it if at all possible.

[spinneret]

Another asexual pov, without much experience:

Giving pleasure comes much more naturally to me. I like how my partner responds to me in general--whether that's an innocent back rub or something sexual.

Like other people have mentioned, I get a kick out of changes in breathing. A bit of it is a power rush, but it's really a combination. . .I'm making my partner feel that good. There's definitely the "feedback loop" effect BunnyK talks about--I get a thrill from that arousal and pleasure, so I return that energy and then some, and I get more back. . .

I wouldn't particularly like it if my partner were completely unresponsive, because that doesn't give you much to work with. You're not sure if they're liking it, or what to do to make them more aroused. On the other hand, if they were making a show but not out of arousal, I wouldn't like that either (assuming I found out), because the only circumstance where I really want to have sex and am aroused by it is when the other person is aroused and having fun too. I have had sex under other circumstances, but it's never anywhere near as good - emotionally or physically - for me, and I would avoid it if at all possible.

That's where I worry about my own responsiveness. . .I'm having fun, enjoying my partner's arousal and the physical feelings and emotional closeness, but I'm not generally aroused. It's not the same kind of pleasure and I'm not responding quite like it is.

And again, it's not as intuitive as giving pleasure. When it's about me, half my mind is on how my partner's feeling and if I should be doing something else.