hooloovoo Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 so this is over-complicated and kind of, um, detailed. so possibly not for the easily squicked. also i apologuize in advance for saying 'like' so often. i promise i'm usually more articulate. but... i'm currently kind of an emotional wreck, so my writing abilities have deserted me. my boyfriend is asexual. possibly like aromantic as well, though he doesn't think so. i'm sexual. oddly, it's usually not a problem because we live on like opposite sides of the country. but i'm visiting him for the weekend and we've (finally) been talking a lot about his asexuality and stuff. in some ways i've sort of always know that he was, because i'm kinda the only person he's dated and we've never really done anything. but at the same time it was really surprising to hear him say that he was, because... i guess i always hoped he would eventually get more comfortable with stuff? i dunno. also he told me he wasn't asexual, when we started dating, because i thought he was, and i knew it would be really hard for me to date him if he was. so i asked, and he said he wasn't. but he is. and... he's like really asexual. he's ok with like more platonic touching, like handholding and me like rubbing his back. and he doesn't have a problem with touching me like that, but it doesn't really occur to him to like initiate it. but he can't do like kissing or anything past like cuddling. and. i understand that. i get that it's just really not pleasurable for him. it's frustrating, because i really to like make him feel good and i can't. but i can live with it. everything that he will do isn't because he likes it, it's just... acceptable to him, because he knows it's important to me. but what's kind of driving me crazy is that he won't touch me in like a sexual way, because he sees it as like... inappropriate. an invasion of my personal space. he recognizes that i don't see it that way at all, but... he still just like can't. even me just taking my shirt off would make him really uncomfortable. plus i feel so guilty and... bad/wrong/perverted for wanting him to when he doesn't want to. it's just... i love him. he is (and has always been) the person i fit with the best. if it wasn't for all this stuff we'd be like totally perfect for each other. and i'm trying so hard to find like a compromise, because i know that no matter how hard i try to like become totally celebite, i can't. and i'll do something dumb and mess it all up. but i feel like.... i don't need like full blown penetrative sex. hell, at this point i think i would be happy with being able to masturbate with him there. so. advice maybe please? Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangie77 Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Hi Hoo... Try checking out the thread called 'What it's like to be sexual'- I'm kind of in your shoes and the folks here have given me some great advice/information... There are tons of threads here with people in your exact position trying to figure things out... I think the place you need to start is validating your needs for sexual touch and your boyfriend's need to refrain from sexual touch. Then you should have a talk (if he's willing) about what exactly he does and does not like. You need to begin gathering some 'facts'- his sexual history, actual level of attraction to women, does he ever get aroused at all?, things like that... This might seem like the 3rd degree, but if he seems willing and interested in talking about this go ahead and start getting the imformation you need to decide if there's any way he's capable of meeting you half way... Then comes the tricky part. It's almost a balancing act that goes something like this... Do you love your partner enough to NOT get sex when you need/want it? Does he love you enough to work toward filling your need when you DO need/want it? Can you both truly appreciate the other's contribution to making your relationship work (that you are giving up closeness you need sometimes and he is giving up space he needs sometimes and you are each doing this because you want to see the other happy)? If you can both answer yes to these questions (and then actually do it), you have hope. You are BOTH interested in being sure the other is satisfied in the relationship and are willing to mutually sacrifice and support (there are several threads that mention this idea and I really like it). If either of you can't or aren't willing to actually DO the above (good intentions don't fulfill needs for sex or space), then it's probably best to realize that this is a 'no fault' incompatablilty issue and part ways. He's a good guy and you're a good girl, but you just can't give one another what you each need... Anyway, hope that helps and that you find what you're really looking for... --A Link to post Share on other sites
hooloovoo Posted February 26, 2008 Author Share Posted February 26, 2008 Hi Hoo...Try checking out the thread called 'What it's like to be sexual'- I'm kind of in your shoes and the folks here have given me some great advice/information... There are tons of threads here with people in your exact position trying to figure things out... I think the place you need to start is validating your needs for sexual touch and your boyfriend's need to refrain from sexual touch. Then you should have a talk (if he's willing) about what exactly he does and does not like. You need to begin gathering some 'facts'- his sexual history, actual level of attraction to women, does he ever get aroused at all?, things like that... This might seem like the 3rd degree, but if he seems willing and interested in talking about this go ahead and start getting the imformation you need to decide if there's any way he's capable of meeting you half way... Then comes the tricky part. It's almost a balancing act that goes something like this... Do you love your partner enough to NOT get sex when you need/want it? Does he love you enough to work toward filling your need when you DO need/want it? Can you both truly appreciate the other's contribution to making your relationship work (that you are giving up closeness you need sometimes and he is giving up space he needs sometimes and you are each doing this because you want to see the other happy)? If you can both answer yes to these questions (and then actually do it), you have hope. You are BOTH interested in being sure the other is satisfied in the relationship and are willing to mutually sacrifice and support (there are several threads that mention this idea and I really like it). If either of you can't or aren't willing to actually DO the above (good intentions don't fulfill needs for sex or space), then it's probably best to realize that this is a 'no fault' incompatablilty issue and part ways. He's a good guy and you're a good girl, but you just can't give one another what you each need... Anyway, hope that helps and that you find what you're really looking for... --A thanks for responding :) we've been talking a lot about stuff, which helps. though it's kind of difficult because i get really embarrassed and trying to communicate in like innuendo and hand waving, and that makes no sense to him at all. which is interesting in that i didn't realize how much of sex-type stuff he's just never even thought about. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangie77 Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 I COMPLETELY undertsand that! There have been times when I thought my husband was playing 'coy' and trying to be funny when he just truly had no clue what I was insiuating... Maybe try writing down your questions? That way you can use the correct words and can stay on task instead of getting all flustered... Just a thought... --Angie Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.