What it's like to be sexual...

[ladyangie77]

Hello Everyone,

I'm brand new here. I'm sexual and my husband is likely asexual. We've been married almost 5 years and I love, love, LOVE him, but the sexual incompatability has been killing me- my self-esteem, my dreams, my sense of self. I just found this site yesterday and have been voraciously reading trying to understand... Somehow, I feel like a new page has turned in our efforts to deal with this issue- Just having a place to 'talk' and get it all out with people who understand is a relief...

Anyway, I don't feel like going into everything right now, but I started 'musing' after reading some of the posts concerning asexuals who don't understand what it's like to be sexual, or why sex is such a big idea. Then it hit me...

Sexuality is like a 6th sense- an extra sensory receptor/transmitter that allows sexual people to communicate with others. In my particular case, having sex (as opposed to just touching, etc) is like ESP. It is a personal language that reveals the deepest self, a color, a scent, music, breath. It is very, very real and experiential and yet incorporeal... Ok- yes, the physical side of sex is great, but I'm talking about that indefinable quality that makes life full and beautiful for sexuals... This is why it is so integral to WHO a sexual person is. Not just the physical act, but what happens to the sexual person on a spiritual level when they enter into that 'place' with another person.

Someone else on this site said that sex is the deepest, most intimate kind of revelation that one person can make toward another... So when I, as a sexual person, reveal myself that way to my husband- communicating with my body and my soul, that he is the one I want to receive this, to recieve ME- and I get no response or a bored sigh, it is soul-crushing and humiliating...

My husband and I are 5 years down the road of dealing with our incompatability. I have often thought he was 'broken' and needed to be fixed- he has felt that way himself. I've been infuriated by his unwillingness to seek help for his 'problem' and have thought about leaving many times. I somehow, in those moments of pain, thought it would be easier to live without him that with him not wanting me in that basic, soul-sharing way...

So I don't know what's going to happen in our future. I don't know where our road will lead us. I love him so completely- we are great friends and have a ton of fun together. I feel like this site has opened a page of possibility for us. If we can understand what's going on, then maybe we can find a way to work together to make one another happy...

Thank God for you all and for your willingness to share...

A

[ThePieMaker]

Thanks for coming in and sharing your opinion on it.

So when I, as a sexual person, reveal myself that way to my husband- communicating with my body and my soul, that he is the one I want to receive this, to recieve ME- and I get no response or a bored sigh, it is soul-crushing and humiliating...

The way you put that really gives me a better insight into how it makes you feel. I think the idea of giving a part of oneself to someone (in many senses, not just sexual) is pretty universal so I empathize with how you feel in not getting the response you expect. I think it's difficult in all sorts of situations when a person puts themselves out there for someone and reveals an intimate part of themselves only to get such a lackluster response is devastating. I know that's happened to me (not in a sexual situation, but in others) and it's been hard.

Really, thank you for posting your story. I honestly feel like I can understand how sexuals feel a little more. I wish you luck with your marriage and that it works out and maybe this site can help.

[Hayley]

I would like to thank you too, your post has given me a great insight into sexuality. I've always tried my best to respect sexuality in my friends/lovers/family/colleagues but I was never really able to comprehend it. Now I think I understand it better, far better.

Best of luck in your marriage, I hope AVEN helps you as much as it's helped me.

[mouri_shin]

You have quite a bit of patience and understanding yourself for dealing with this situation so compassionately! I hope you don't regard your husband so much as broken anymore and that being here and seeing others' stories can help you find an avenue to let him open up to you with his passions so that you see the side of him that you want him to see in you.

IMHO, i've had problems opening up to people about what makes me feel wonderful -because- it's not sexual (what ppl expect) and so the only people i can open up to are people who i feel won't give me that 'you're so.. weird' look. Perhaps if he knows you're looking out for who he actually is then he'll let himself shine. May help him feel comfortable showing sympathy when you're looking for him to notice you sexually. might not make him -do- anything... but you'll feel less rejected i think.

anyway.. less randomness from me,

all the best to you and thanks for sharing your side!

~shin

[Olivier]

That's a great explanation, ladyangie!

And I think that's what's so hard about sexual/asexual relationships. Not only does the sexual feel unappreciated when they express their desire, but also great sex comes from trusting your partner to be passionately interested in your fulfillment, too. Moderately interested is not so good, and likewise poorly skilled at achieving it. Not interested at all? That's tough.

When sexuals confront asexuality, understanding that asexuals don't want sexual pleasure for themselves is the easy part. Understanding that they don't want it for their partners either - still working on that one. :(

[DavidG]

I can't really imagine what you're describing, but yeah, this does give some idea of a sexual perspective on the whole thing.

[BaronTheCat]

First I have to say, I feel sympathy for you :cake:

Those asexuals who are romantic asexuals can experience the spiritual part - love, passion romantic and aesthetic attraction - but they can't relate to the purely sexual part (=the desire for the physical act). I believe anybody who's in love with somebody wants the deep and intimate contact with her/him, some way to express their feelings, and some way for their souls to meet. At least I would do that. But I can't experience that by having sex. To me, sex has either negative associations or no associations at all. I have tried, but sex did not give me what I was looking for.

I believe what we wish for is the same thing, but how we can find it, is different. I can draw a parallel with another thing humans need. We all need to have fun. But what makes us have fun, is individual. Some of us think dancing is fun, while others don't like it at all, and prefer playing football, which others only have negative feelings about.

[sonofzeal]

Interesting post, very eloquent. I'd like to invite you to continue musing on the subject here, for your own benefit, to help us understand, and to get a little dialogue going.

I want you to consider one thing though. Culture tends to tell us that sexuality and intimacy are highly related; that sex is the deepest part of us; that the act of sex is the most personal thing you can do. I'd like you to take some time to question that. Is it actually true? Is it always true? Are there other things that are just as intimate/deep/personal?

Humans are as varied as snowflakes. For you, it may well be true that this is the most powerful expression of yourself that you have. On the other hand, it may be that you, like me when I first found this site, are so wrapped up in cultural preconceptions that it's hard to see any alternative. I'm not saying there necessarily IS one for you, and whatever it is must be something specific to you, but do consider the possibility that your current self-expression is shaped more by society than your own self.

Question the paradigm!

[ladyangie77]

Yes- please do (gently) question me- I'm trying to figure this all out and the idea that asexuality exists might just change the whole picture of how we've been approaching our issue...

I can only speak what is true from my experience- I know that when I want to have sex, I am seeking both the physical and the spiritual part of it... I HAVE felt extremely connected to my husband when just holding one another- when I was 9 months pregnant with our son and we were laying in bed together. I was listening to my husband's heart beat and realized that it is the most beautiful sound- that beat has immense importance in my life... And I just felt, so- complete. Our child was lying safe between us and I was just so... happy. It was like that again (when I was again pregnant) and my husband held me from behind as we looked up at stars on a summer night... Again- immense fulfillment not connected to sexual activity.

But there is that part of me that IS fulfilled when the 'deed' is done and we are just lying there together exposed. That, too, is beautiful to me...

Olivier, in some of his posts, has expressed how heart-breaking it is to realize that your partner doesn't meet you in 'that place' that's created by making love... I don't know. There's SO many emotions caught up in the whole thing... My identity (women are desired by men- my husband doesn't desire me, so I am not really a woman), my future (I will NEVER know what it is like to be physically desired), my past (we had a little sex on our wedding night and nothing but tears, confusion and pain for the rest of our honeymoon)... We also have struggled with infertility and childloss (OMG- can we GET any more issues piled on this marriage??)... But as I said earlier, I KNOW he loves me and he also longs for us both to be happy and complete...

I am ashamed to say that I have really put this on him- HE has the problem. I am supportive, but it's HIS problem and after 5 years of trying to help him solve HIS problem, I'm spent... But this site and this possibility really shifts that. Maybe there is no blame in this- Maybe he ISN'T broken. Maybe he DOESN't need to be fixed... Maybe our solution ISN'T going to be him desiring me like I desire him- maybe there's another choice, another answer. Now I'm wondering if I've been unfair to him. Have I been expecting & hoping for something that is contrary to his basic nature? Have I been punishing him for not being 'like me'?

Something else Olivier said is that it was a relief to realize what his wife was feeling (or not feeling). It isn't really about him- has NOTHING to do with his... anything. It's just who she is... Is what I'm feeling relief?

This has been a lot for me to take in. I'm totally the kind of person who absorbs things and then organizes and orders them in the back of my mind. I'll often wake up at 4:30 in the morning with a complete argument/statement about some complex thing right on the tip of my tongue- I'll have solidified my feelings without realizing it...

Anyway- I have another 'visual' for asexuals to help understand what it's like to be sexual... Have you ever seen a movie where there's a psychic who holds an object and can suddenly tell you all about the person who owns it? It's kind of like that- you meet someone and get to know them (you CAN get to know someone VERY well without sex). Then, for a sexual, when you actually engage in 'the act', it's like a whole new dimension/insight of the person is available to you... Yeah, there are a lot of people who have sex just for the physical, but for me, in a deeply committed and loving relationship, this is what it's like... I wonder what sex would be like with someone who also experiences this dimension?...

Anyway, thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I really do appreciate you all!

--A

[< retired >]

I agree that there's something very special about touch in general. Unlike you, I don't give touching genitals any special status, though. I would have a very hard time if my SO suddenly became touch-adverse. I can understand how folks wedded to sexual touching (i.e., fornication) have a great deal of trouble when their partners become (or are found to be) sex-adverse or sex-indifferent. I have noticed that intense multiple orgasms can 'lay waste' to a human female for several minutes afterwards. Is this a spiritual joining of two people, or just the satisfaction of an animal drive? There are a variety of opinions. I tend to vote with the animal crowd, but as a hyposexual perhaps I'm biased (sour grapes, you know).

[mdw]

Is this a spiritual joining of two people, or just the satisfaction of an animal drive?

The two are not mutually exclusive, as many cultures throughout human history have seen the two as intertwined (spiritual and primal)

[A-listed]

Hi, Lady Angie,

I really want to thank you for sharing that. As an asexual who has never had sex, I don't really understand how that "sixth sense" could work; and it also sounds too mystical for my scientific mind. But I've heard a similar description before from another woman, so I'm willing to accept that both of you have what you consider a transcendent feeling of intimacy during sex.

I'd like to share a few thoughts with you.

The first is that it is important for your husband to come to terms with his sexuality, whatever that may be. I'm not sure that he's asexual, although that looks like the likeliest possibility. I encourage him to read up on asexuality and see whether he identifies with it. That would actually be one of the better outcomes. It would certainly be better than discovering that he was hotly heterosexual but just unattracted to you!

You obviously love him, and he must feel the same about you. It would be tragic for the relationship to fall apart over a sexual incompatibility. Assuming for the moment that your husband is indeed asexual, I'd say that you'll have to compromise. It would be wrong, and quite likely unworkable, for you to abandon your sexual desires because of your husband's asexuality. It would also be wrong to force your husband to have sex despite his asexual orientation, and besides forced sex probably wouldn't satisfy you anyway. I say that because the woman who described sex in similar terms to yours rejected my hypothetical suggestion that I might in theory be able to force myself to go through the motions for her sake; she said that sex in which I took no greater role than that would be meaningless to her. Another woman who was sexually attracted to me said that hearing me say that I was averse to sex completely turned her off the idea of a sexual relationship with me. And I have heard straight men complain about the unfulfilling quality of sex with a woman who just lies there with her legs spread, as dead as an inflatable doll. Presumably you would similarly take little pleasure in sex with an unwilling partner.

I see a lot of hope for your relationship. You're approaching the difficulty unselfishly. You are acknowledging that your husband's sexuality is just as legitimate and valid as your own. And there are signs that you could find fulfilment in non-sexual experiences with your husband. I agree with Sonofzeal about questioning your own commitment to sex and figuring out what *you* really enjoy, and what is best for your relationship. Social pressure and conditioning bring sex to the forefront, leading even many asexuals to force themselves into sexual (usually heteronormative) relationships that end up causing them a lot of grief and anxiety. There may be equally significant, or even more significant, experiences than sex for you. It's something to consider.

Another possibility, which I mention just for the sake of completeness, is to have your sexual needs satisfied elsewhere. This has been known to work for some couples. If I were in a relationship with a sexual person (and I don't rule the possibility out), I would very sincerely invite him or her to find someone else for sex. Now, that probably won't help matters if you want sex mainly for the transcendent experience with your husband. Even if it were only a physical matter to you (and you deny this), a sexual relationship with someone else could come to threaten your marriage. Again, this option is not for everyone, but it's a possibility to consider, if both of you would find it satisfactory.

I think that you and your husband will stay together. You should just take the time to reflect on everything rather than making any rash decisions.

In closing, I assure you that you need not feel ashamed of yourself for originally seeing your husband as having a problem requiring correction. You were simply ignorant of asexuality and interpreted your husband's behaviour in the light of what you knew, namely sexual dysfunction and psychological problems (which is also how most shrinks see asexuality, unfortunately). Now that you know more about how your husband ticks, you've changed your opinion. That's something to celebrate, not to deplore. You were merely led astray by a lack of information about asexuality. And that's something that we asexuals need to change, by raising the public's awareness of our orientation. Your husband will also be relieved by your newfound perspective on his sexuality--and it seems to me that he himself needs to explore his sexual orientation further.

Good luck.

[nycrosy]

Lady Angie,

I read your post and immediately started weeping. I can't seem to stop, because you have expressed the same type of love that I have for my partner, who happens to be more than 20 years my senior. We have been dating more than two years, and I ended up moving to be closer to him. He is kind, intelligent, gentle and loving, but so very closed off-and yet, I am the only person that knows his innermost thoughts and feelings, though he has many acquaintances. After reading some posts on this site, especially regarding your experiences, I too feel that I have misunderstood him, and thought it was his problem. Now I know better. It is who he is, and though our relationship started out sexual, I see that he was more experimenting-he was trying but that was a brief part of our lives, and he hasn't really kissed me, in more than two years. Just a quick peck.

It has been harder for me, because he won't talk about it. When I figured out that he was avaoiding all physical contact except holding hands, I thought it was that he was not attracted to me. And nothing that I did would spark his interest, but he had been attracted before. He won't talk about it except to say he is not feeling sexual. I felt like the worst kind of heel for asking him to even talk about it. I didn't understand that he also could not feel that sex is the ultimate form of closeness-the giving of yourself, entirely, baring your soul and imperfections, to receive the same, and have it culminate in the most beautiful expression of love that there is, spiritual, physical, and mental.

Now I see that some asexual people don't even like to hold hands, and so some of what he has said makes more sense to me. Nonetheless, the rejection has been heart-breaking. The love is there between us, the intent is there on his part. But flowers and candy don't make up for the lonely nights, when I want nothing more than to hear his heart beating, and have his arms around me. We've been on vacations together, and the most exciting part is not where we are going, it is the time I get to spend with him uninterrupted, and the certainty that for however many days I will get to sleep in the same bed, with his arms around me.

It must be so hard to be in a committed relationship with a child. You have a difficult road, but you said you have a lot of fun together. I feel the same way. I can see why it would be so hard to leave your husband, and I am sure your honeymoon was hard to bear. I was amazed and humbled when I read your post, and I am so glad that you shared it. I feel like I am not alone.

You got off to a rocky start, but I wish the best for you and your family. Good luck!

[A-listed]

Nycrosy,

If you can share a bed while on vacation, why not do so when you're at home? Do you two not live together?

[nycrosy]

Nycrosy,

If you can share a bed while on vacation, why not do so when you're at home? Do you two not live together?

We don't live together, no. Not for lack of trying, on my part. He is very reclusive. No one has been to his place in over 10 years, and that was only because he had a medical emergency. So, no. Much as I would like to.

[Puzzle_chick]

Hi there LadyAngie. I also want to thank you for your posts, which are at once insightful, informational, and helpful I think to all of us. I can't completely understand the sexual perspective, but I can definitely understand where you're coming from and why you feel what you do, which is VERY helpful. I feel like I can understand some things much better now.

I am ashamed to say that I have really put this on him- HE has the problem. I am supportive, but it's HIS problem and after 5 years of trying to help him solve HIS problem, I'm spent... But this site and this possibility really shifts that. Maybe there is no blame in this- Maybe he ISN'T broken. Maybe he DOESN't need to be fixed... Maybe our solution ISN'T going to be him desiring me like I desire him- maybe there's another choice, another answer. Now I'm wondering if I've been unfair to him. Have I been expecting & hoping for something that is contrary to his basic nature? Have I been punishing him for not being 'like me'?

Honestly...yes, in some ways you may have been "punishing" him. (He might be feeling this way too, which might explain some of the distance. People don't take kindly to being treated as broken.) However you've also been punishing yourself by questioning your worth/identity, which is not a good thing either. I agree with what A-Listed said, you should not now blame yourself or feel ashamed of what's already happened. I don't think "unfair" is the right word. Just uninformed. It's a common misconception that people at first think asexuals are broken, nobody could blame you for it. I definitely hope that by coming here you've been able to see your situation in a different light. Both a different light on him, and also of yourself. Because it is horrible to feel unloved, or as if you've done something wrong by simply being yourself.

Of course nobody can give you a "here's what to do to fix everything" answer, but I have to agree with everyone that's suggested communication. I wish you the very best of luck, and please do stick around here and continue sharing your insight. I hope we can provide as much to you as you've given to us!

[A-listed]

Yes, it's unpleasant to be treated as broken, especially by someone we love. Two people who were dear to me treated me in precisely that way for a long time before finally realizing that my asexuality was indeed a very real sexual orientation and not some sickness standing in the way of a heterosexual sex life with them. We fought for years before they came to accept my asexuality. Finally I had to tell them: "Look, what if I called you a pervert for your incessant desire to roll around in bed together like swine and your claims that only through that sweaty and revolting activity could you feel true love, and I suggested that you were selfishly destroying my asexual happiness, that you needed to get a psychiatrist to 'cure' you of your illegitimate sexuality, that you needed to have your hormone levels 'corrected'? That's what you're doing to me. It sounds ridiculous when expressed that way only because your sexuality happens to be of the dominant variety, widely accepted and even forced down our throats by society, whereas mine is largely unknown and on the surface resembles loss of libido and other problems that sexuals are familiar with."

It was painful to be treated like a defective person despite my best attempts to explain myself. At the same time, I knew that those people just weren't aware of asexuality and lacked points of reference from which to understand it. I didn't hate them for failing to understand. That simply underscored the need for more information on asexuality.

Again, I think that you're coping rather well with this situation. Remember Shakespeare's words: "Love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds."

[Olivier]

Finally I had to tell them: "Look, what if I called you a pervert for your incessant desire to roll around in bed together like swine and your claims that only through that sweaty and revolting activity could you feel true love, and I suggested that you were selfishly destroying my asexual happiness...

Been there, but in the exact opposite situation. My wife is a very confident person, and has never viewed her asexuality as unusual or anything other than utterly legitimate - it's just how she is (and actually how she thinks a majority of women are). At one of our low moments of blaming each other for our sexual incompatibility (rare, thankfully) she did indeed say something this almost to the word (without the "what if"), and I was able to turn it on her and say "Look, what if I called you frigid and suggested you needed to get cured...."

Acceptance is good, from both sides. Having the label of asexuality, however trivial it seems, is a real help to avoiding the blame dynamic.

[ladyangie77]

You people are wonderful and have helped me more than you can possibly know! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kindness and for trying to understand our situation...

Will keep the thoughts coming and will also keep seeking your help!

--A

[A-listed]

At one of our low moments of blaming each other for our sexual incompatibility (rare, thankfully) she did indeed say something this almost to the word (without the "what if"), and I was able to turn it on her and say "Look, what if I called you frigid and suggested you needed to get cured...."

You were right to do so. Neither of you stands on the sexual high ground; you're just different. It was unfair of her to blame you for the sexual incompatibility, which is as much (or as little) her fault as yours.

[Olivier]

At one of our low moments of blaming each other for our sexual incompatibility (rare, thankfully) she did indeed say something this almost to the word (without the "what if"), and I was able to turn it on her and say "Look, what if I called you frigid and suggested you needed to get cured...."

You were right to do so. Neither of you stands on the sexual high ground; you're just different. It was unfair of her to blame you for the sexual incompatibility, which is as much (or as little) her fault as yours.

Both of us are certainly capable of standing our ground in an argument - it's fortunate we don't have many because neither of us loses them gracefully .

And it's why acceptance of each other's sexuality is so crucial for us. If we see our sexual incompatibility as a struggle where victory is having things our way, then it becomes a fight even at times of compromise, and neither of us likes losing a fight. Quite apart from the fact that we'd also rather not constantly be engaged in one.

But by seeing that incompatibility as something that "just is" because of who we are, and possibly even something that has no solution, then we see it as a challenge. The same tenacity that leads us to not back down in a fight then becomes useful, as we both hate being told a problem is unsolvable, and we unite to prove that even if other people think it can't work, that simply doesn't apply to us :).

[A-listed]

That's a healthy approach. It takes two to have an incompatibility, after all. Neither of you is at fault; you just happen to be poorly matched in the sexual sphere. Since sexual orientation does not usually change, you can deal with that incompatibility by splitting up or by taking on the challenge of resolving the difficulties as well as you can. Obviously you've chosen the more challenging, but very likely more fulfilling, option.

[BunnyK.]

and actually how she thinks a majority of women are

Pshhh...

[A-listed]

I wouldn't say that a majority of women are asexual, but I'll bet the percentage is a lot higher than the 1% or 2% commonly proposed. I wouldn't even be surprised if asexual women significantly outnumbered asexual men.

[Kiki Asexual Superstar]

I think there are more asexuals out there, but they might not know that there are others like themselves. I do believe that it is more socially acceptable for a woman to be asexual than a man. Stereotypically, it is assumed that men are thinking sex 24/7.

[cijay]

Hello Everyone,

I'm brand new here. I'm sexual and my husband is likely asexual. We've been married almost 5 years and I love, love, LOVE him, but the sexual incompatability has been killing me- my self-esteem, my dreams, my sense of self. I just found this site yesterday and have been voraciously reading trying to understand... Somehow, I feel like a new page has turned in our efforts to deal with this issue- Just having a place to 'talk' and get it all out with people who understand is a relief...

Anyway, I don't feel like going into everything right now, but I started 'musing' after reading some of the posts concerning asexuals who don't understand what it's like to be sexual, or why sex is such a big idea. Then it hit me...

Sexuality is like a 6th sense- an extra sensory receptor/transmitter that allows sexual people to communicate with others. In my particular case, having sex (as opposed to just touching, etc) is like ESP. It is a personal language that reveals the deepest self, a color, a scent, music, breath. It is very, very real and experiential and yet incorporeal... Ok- yes, the physical side of sex is great, but I'm talking about that indefinable quality that makes life full and beautiful for sexuals... This is why it is so integral to WHO a sexual person is. Not just the physical act, but what happens to the sexual person on a spiritual level when they enter into that 'place' with another person.

Someone else on this site said that sex is the deepest, most intimate kind of revelation that one person can make toward another... So when I, as a sexual person, reveal myself that way to my husband- communicating with my body and my soul, that he is the one I want to receive this, to recieve ME- and I get no response or a bored sigh, it is soul-crushing and humiliating...

My husband and I are 5 years down the road of dealing with our incompatability. I have often thought he was 'broken' and needed to be fixed- he has felt that way himself. I've been infuriated by his unwillingness to seek help for his 'problem' and have thought about leaving many times. I somehow, in those moments of pain, thought it would be easier to live without him that with him not wanting me in that basic, soul-sharing way...

So I don't know what's going to happen in our future. I don't know where our road will lead us. I love him so completely- we are great friends and have a ton of fun together. I feel like this site has opened a page of possibility for us. If we can understand what's going on, then maybe we can find a way to work together to make one another happy...

Thank God for you all and for your willingness to share...

A

I'm glad you're here. Hopefully you will get a lot of understanding from us. A lot of us here are sympathetic to the sexual in a sexual/asexual couple and realise the sacrifices that you have to make. There are some who frequent the board, however, who figure that there are only 'not on the chart' and 'off the chart' as far as sexual activity. You're either asexual and want none or you're sexual and go around humping table legs if you don't get any. There are some not willing to learn that sex for sexual people IS a big deal and at the time it IS a necessity (it's just not a necessity all the time!). Please don't let those ones convince you that we all feel that way.

I hope that things work out, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship otherwise and that both of you realise that he's not broken. I hope he comes to the site too.

[A-listed]

Time was when homosexuality was considered quite rare. Surveys found homosexuals to be a tiny minority of 1% or less. But how many homosexuals were prepared to admit their sexual orientation in an era of severe homophobic repression? Many of them wouldn't even admit it to themselves, and that's a problem even today. Nowadays estimates of the size of the homosexual population are considerably higher (5-10%).

We asexuals face a bigger problem of recognition, since so many of us are unaware of asexuality and are likely to identify ourselves as heterosexuals by default. Another complication is poor libido, which clouds the issue of sexual orientation. And even a lot of the people here hesitate to call themselves asexual, despite frankly admitting that they have no sexual feelings towards anyone. So it may be some time before we can get accurate statistics on our numbers. I for one believe that the much-touted 1% and 2% estimates are on the low side.

[ladyangie77]

Another update... So, taking the information I've gathered here and saying a prayer, my husband and I talked for a LONG time last night. He says that he probably is asexual and when I asked him specific questions concerning what he does and does not like about sex, he gave me some answers I've read on here almost verbatim... Issues with fluids (he doesn't even like things like body lotion- says this is a textural aversion), a disconnect with how/why his body functions the way it does (slightly disturbing for him), he occasionally has sexual urges, but has VERY rarely felt a need to act on those urges... It's not like we haven't discussed these things a thousand times before, but now we have an idea of WHAT is happening- WHY this is happening for us. Some kind of language to qualify and quantify our experience...

Fortunately, my husband actually enjoys sex in that he likes the positive effect it has on me. He says he likes seeing me happy & emoionally free (which, for me, seem to just flow from making LOVE with him) and he also likes the closeness we share afterward. So he's completely willing and interested in continuing and improving our sexual relationship. There still are issues that need to be worked out (how often is is enough for me & not too much for him, etc), but this is SUCH a step forward for us. We have seriously been dealing with this since the day after our wedding and it has NEVER felt like we had any answers/guidance, etc.

Again, thank you!!

[Puzzle_chick]

I'm really glad to read your latest post. It's SO great that you were able to talk and discuss things openly. I really hope he's found some peace with himself now, and I bet that your being better able to understand was a huge help too. I think everyone here can agree that once open conversation has been started, huge (and very good) changes can happen. Best of luck to you both!

[Member21883]

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