VivreEstEsperer Posted January 19, 2003 Share Posted January 19, 2003 I was thinking of this interesting dilemma. I have personally already came out as lesbian to a sizeable amount of people, including my mom, although I doubt she believed it, and I hardly believed it myself although I thought I did. Now I want them to know who I really am, but it's an interesting problem to have to "come out" AGAIN, in a different way. For my mom anyway coming out as a lesbian was pretty easy in that I never actually had to say anything -I just let her see my dorm room with all its rainbows, rainbows, and more rainbows. But coming out as asexual takes actual, spontaneous, genuine and gutsy communication, a skill that neither of us in our relationship have really mastered. I was just wondering if people have any thoughts on or experience with telling people they were gay first and then trying to correct those assumptions? Kind of a like a double coming out, not to be confused with a double entendre... Kate Link to post Share on other sites
Luisa Posted January 19, 2003 Share Posted January 19, 2003 I've never experienced anything like that, but... ...I'm wondering where you are, when you have "come out of the closet," but then still find yourself needing to "come out of the closet." Is this a walk-in closet with a hallway? ;) OK, I'm sorry for joking. Just trying to add a little levity. I wish you luck on your upcoming discussions. Just be honest, and try to keep emotion out of the conversations. Stick to facts, if possible. Again, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
bard of aven Posted January 19, 2003 Share Posted January 19, 2003 I've been out as gay for many years. Those who have known me for any length of time know that, and know that I do not date, that they only have to set one place when they invite me to dinner, and so forth. Such sexual urges as I have are always towards other men, so in that sense I am gay, but they never involve sexual intimacy with other men, so in that sense, I am asexual. As far as coming out specifically as asexual, I feel little need. The last time I was asked specifically by someone whom I thought had a right to ask, I responded by eliding the two terms, telling him I was "gaysexual". (If I could figure out the html code, I would spell that differently--long a, no y.) He interpreted it as some ideosyncratic way of saying gay or homosexual, and I let him. I am not responsible for what goes on in the minds of others. I think it is a good idea to bandy about these terms in our own search for self-identity, but when we start using them socially, and using them to identify ourselves to others, or when others start using them to catagorize us, it leads to over-simplification, mis-identity, and stereotyping. Each person, no matter what their identity, is such a complex composite of physiological sex, gender identity, orientation, degree of attraction, degree of interaction, and any number of other factors (none of which are simply binary, most of which are spectra along which are infinite numbers of points), that to say oneself or someone else is gay, or straight, or bi, or trans, is to pretend that there are only a few options when there are really an infinite number of options, and to pretend that infinitely complex phenomena are very simple. Often, too, we come out to people who are more interested in using our self-identity as a means of having power over us than they are in getting to know and value us as individuals. But that's another rant entirely. I am respectfully curious as to whether you still feel any degree of lesbian self-identity along with identifying as asexual. But it really is none of my business. On the coming out issue, I guess I am somewhere near the midpoint of the spectrum whose extremes are "closeted" and "militant". That spectrum also has an infinite number of points. Perhaps the only relevant question is, where on that spectrum do you feel most at home? boa Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted January 20, 2003 Author Share Posted January 20, 2003 Well, if I was a sexual lesbian, I would be somewhere towards the militant side. Before I went to college, I bought so many rainbow things from some pride website...but something stopped me from going up every single person I met and declaring myself a lesbian - I didn't really feel like it was true, deep down inside. I tried to hide that from myself for a while though. Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted January 20, 2003 Author Share Posted January 20, 2003 Does anyone know why my posts tend to have so much blank space after they end? Link to post Share on other sites
Mango Man Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 I've noticed all the space on your posts. I thought that maybe you liked hitting the return key a lot after finishing your posts. Maybe it's just a bug in the system. Link to post Share on other sites
Hats Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 The long gap is so we can pause for thought between your post and the next. Simple really :) ..... Anyway, I am Hats and I am very pleased to "meet" you. xxxxx. Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 can't say i have, sorry. coming out as an asexual is enough for me. i told my sister-in-law about it last night, & she's one of the stubborn many who keep telling me that i'll change my mind in a few years, that i'm still young, blahblahblah horseshit... thank God i'm not the only one facing the coming out dilemma. *sniff* I FEEL SO AT HOME HERE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted January 21, 2003 Author Share Posted January 21, 2003 nice to meet ya too hats! good explanation! :) Kate Link to post Share on other sites
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