Jump to content

Demi's


OwlSaint

Recommended Posts

to me, i think you should just identify as hetero or bi.(depending on what you like). its not all that uncommon for people to only have sex with someone they love. if you don't want to get in a sexual relationship with someone you don't love, then that's normal. :mellow:

Yes, it's normal to only have sex with someone you love. But to not even notice people's sexual attractiveness unless you're in love with them? That's a bit unusual. Nothing wrong with it, of course, but it's not most sexual people's experience.

Now, we could argue over whether this makes demisexuality a subcategory of hetero-, homo-, and bisexuality, or whether it's a totally different thing, but that would be largely academic. Either way, though, it is a distinct enough phenomenon to merit its own word, whether or not you also identify as something else on top of that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
to me, i think you should just identify as hetero or bi.(depending on what you like). its not all that uncommon for people to only have sex with someone they love. if you don't want to get in a sexual relationship with someone you don't love, then that's normal. :mellow:

I dont think being demisexual is exactly a problem, I was that way most of my life and just thought of myself as 'sexual but fussy', but since becoming asexual it is interesting to notice that I was never a true sexual and ponder the extent of fluid sexuality based on that.

I dont think being demiromantic is a problem either, it was nice to discover the label/concept too... especially being female and never really getting the dream man/white wedding stuff. Ive been in love twice in my life and each time it was shocking and required me to re-adjust my world view from 'I' to 'we' (and by 'I' I dont mean 'I' waiting for the other') the whole wanting a joint future thing is hard to get my head around. That said love pretty much sorts it out, but when you are without love, its not angst ridden torment being alone (once the missing stage is gone that is), you just revert to 'I' again.

New film out called '500 days of summer' about an aromantic female, only seen the ads looks like it might either be good or disappointing... Im expecting a demiromantic outcome (no doubt not defined as such though, but more as her 'seeing the light'- and the Hollywood myth that romantic love is the only source of meaning being fully revived by end of movie)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 5 months later...
deletethisplease

Im real sorry to start a dead topic up, but i think im demi. If demi is what i think it is?

Im not romantically attracted to anyone EXCEPT my romantic partner. as in im aromatic but im not aromantic towards my partner. but i don't need or want sex with her.

is this what demi is?

Link to post
Share on other sites

thatgamecalledsurvival, that would more likely be Demi-romantic

Demisexual is where you only feel sexual attraction to someone you're in love with

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

To raise a topic from the ashes.... (Phoenix?! Where?!)

*raises hand* I'm... a demisexual. And a demiromantic. And I didn't know what the heck that was until this lovely little topic here. I've always felt kind of guilty, like I was betraying asexuality, because I have absolutely ZERO sexual attraction... except to my boyfriend, who I hold myself to be in love with. I'm more romantically than sexually interested in him, but the fact remains that I AM sexually interested in him. Not, like, crazy nympho sexual. Just.... I can actually see it being something that I'd not only offer, but enjoy.

I've felt guilty and confused about my asexuality, because, as I've said, I've experienced sexual attraction towards my boyfriend. (As you can imagine... I was utterly lost.) So I've felt like I was lying to myself, and that something wasn't quite right.

And then I find out there's this lovely little thing called "Demi", and I jump on it faster than monkeys on figs. (And monkeys? They like figs.)

So... thank you. Thank you, thank you, THANK you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...
Bella Wildrose

If you never experience first sexual attraction and experience only second sexual attraction but you are not sexual attracted to only one person - are you also demisexual? Is demisexual absolutely connected with fidelity?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...
  • 1 month later...

Okay I really need to know this because up until a few days ago I thought I was Asexual, just asexual.

Years ago I was in a relationship and I was in love with the person. I thought I was sexual like everyone else and then I fell out of love with this person and simultaneously lost any sexual attraction I ever had for them. Anyway 2 and a half years later and I identified as AROMANTIC ASEXUAL, because I have no romantic attraction with anyone. However I feel like if I was in a close connected relationship with someone I would feel sexual attraction but I don't feel any romantic attraction for anyone in two years and I don't know if there is such thing as "Aromantic-demisexual" or am I just REALLY Ridiculously picky about who I get feelings for???

I need some answers I'm quite confused.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Off White Cat

Hi, I'm demi! Only realized it the other day because I used to think that demisexuality meant "only falling in love with your best friends" or something to that accord, when in fact I had conflated aesthetic, romantic and sexual attraction. I personally believe that one can be extremely physically attracted to someone, even to the point of gawking, and have it be purely aesthetic—for me it was aesthetic and romantic, but not sexual. It was also hard for me since for a long time I couldn't separate my sexual fantasies—which often are decidedly non-demi—from what I want in the real world. But yeah, I would feel just as squicked out as a repulsed ace to have sex with a stranger or someone whom I didn't have emotional connection with. (or physical, for that matter—I'm extremely picky aesthetically, even though I'm panromantic. Go figure.) I actually came here at first to learn more about asexuality since I have an ace partner, to whom I do feel sexual attraction but not a NEED, as opposed to an occasional want, for sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I've yet to see a single person and think "hot" or "10 out of 10" or "I'd like to hit that". Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it's usually more along the lines of "could i force myself to with.... ew no".

In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual.

However, with someone I'm in love with, it's completely different, and I might as well be a "full fledged" sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or "ugh not again".

That to me is the definition of a demisexual. The person who invented the word may have a different definition, but that's what it means to me.

Anyways, I've been wondering if there's anyone else on aven like that.

Demi pride!!! ^_^

PS: this is also the most I've "explained" about myself in detail to complete strangers. be nice please *hides*

Based on this definition, I would have to say that demi would describe alot personally, great definition btw. I would be all in for committed love and romance but just for sex... wouldn't happen. Sex by itself is just weird for me, makes me angry actually, show me love baby not just heat is what I say.

:wub: :wub: :wub:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 5 weeks later...

Reading through the Wiki and the forums, Demisexual is an accurate identification of me.

I hope this isn't too polemical of me, but:

I don't consider demisexuality an /orientation/. It really seems to be more of a /lifestyle/; a kind of framework for intimacy; a flavor; even a kind of obsession or fetish. Calling demisexuality its own type of orientation would be like saying a heavy BDSM fetishist, who could not maintain interest in (and avoids) non-BDSM relationships, to have their own sexual orientation "BDSM-sexual."

These discussions of Gray-A, demi-sexuality, and certain forms of asexuality, as their own kinds of /sexual orientations/ are too heavily based on trying to flee from the menace of giant Strawmen of the Sexual Revolution -- Strawmen that presuppose /sex/ as the primary basis for establishing a relationship. So, coining new orientations simply to describe alternative demands from relationships outside of a strictly sexual context seems like a reactionary and rebellious response to the Sexual Revolution -- that we should accept this Strawman's definition of intimacy as being /sexually defined/, and therefore /categorically/ cut ourselves off from these orientations, for no reason other than because we have different demands from our intimate relationships.

However, many societies and communities -- both historically and contemporary -- do not emphasize sexual pleasure, or even the notion of romance, as a factor for coupling. In /many/ societies there is a tradition of pursuing a partner for the purpose of building secure families and economic stability -- not sex -- not even romance. These views are almost always mocked by pop culture and mass media as insensitive, shallow, barbaric, and slavish, but they certainly exists -- and many of these people do not consider themselves their own special kind of sexual orientation.

Emphasis on pursuing romance and finding true love (which is another thing emphasized with the sexual revolution -- it wasn't just about sex) was historically something that was enjoyed pretty much exclusively by aristocratic, wealthy classes, and later literate persons, who would try to frame their relationships in a higher, transcending, mythopoetic sense, to find that one true love. People were content in stable, a-romantic marriages. True love, of course happened among the non-elite, but it was /so much/ less of an obsessive life-goal than we see nowadays.

To much of my surprise, this enormous emphasis on /romance/ throughout all cultures at the stage in the game, is something that has also snuck its way into the asexual community. And it is something that we really do take it for granted when we are considering the intimate possibilities of asexuality. In fact, it seems to many of us who identify themselves as asexual, are even more obsessed with finding true love and authentic romance, than those that we have labeled "sexual" people. So, really, is it its own form of sexual orientation, or is it like a kind of Queer-dom in reverse...?

And with that, I hope the above is ranty enough for /this/ forum!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

Reading through the Wiki and the forums, Demisexual is an accurate identification of me.

I hope this isn't too polemical of me, but:

I don't consider demisexuality an /orientation/. It really seems to be more of a /lifestyle/; a kind of framework for intimacy; a flavor; even a kind of obsession or fetish. Calling demisexuality its own type of orientation would be like saying a heavy BDSM fetishist, who could not maintain interest in (and avoids) non-BDSM relationships, to have their own sexual orientation "BDSM-sexual."

These discussions of Gray-A, demi-sexuality, and certain forms of asexuality, as their own kinds of /sexual orientations/ are too heavily based on trying to flee from the menace of giant Strawmen of the Sexual Revolution -- Strawmen that presuppose /sex/ as the primary basis for establishing a relationship. So, coining new orientations simply to describe alternative demands from relationships outside of a strictly sexual context seems like a reactionary and rebellious response to the Sexual Revolution -- that we should accept this Strawman's definition of intimacy as being /sexually defined/, and therefore /categorically/ cut ourselves off from these orientations, for no reason other than because we have different demands from our intimate relationships.

However, many societies and communities -- both historically and contemporary -- do not emphasize sexual pleasure, or even the notion of romance, as a factor for coupling. In /many/ societies there is a tradition of pursuing a partner for the purpose of building secure families and economic stability -- not sex -- not even romance. These views are almost always mocked by pop culture and mass media as insensitive, shallow, barbaric, and slavish, but they certainly exists -- and many of these people do not consider themselves their own special kind of sexual orientation.

Emphasis on pursuing romance and finding true love (which is another thing emphasized with the sexual revolution -- it wasn't just about sex) was historically something that was enjoyed pretty much exclusively by aristocratic, wealthy classes, and later literate persons, who would try to frame their relationships in a higher, transcending, mythopoetic sense, to find that one true love. People were content in stable, a-romantic marriages. True love, of course happened among the non-elite, but it was /so much/ less of an obsessive life-goal than we see nowadays.

To much of my surprise, this enormous emphasis on /romance/ throughout all cultures at the stage in the game, is something that has also snuck its way into the asexual community. And it is something that we really do take it for granted when we are considering the intimate possibilities of asexuality. In fact, it seems to many of us who identify themselves as asexual, are even more obsessed with finding true love and authentic romance, than those that we have labeled "sexual" people. So, really, is it its own form of sexual orientation, or is it like a kind of Queer-dom in reverse...?

And with that, I hope the above is ranty enough for /this/ forum!

well, I understand what you are trying to say, and I do believe a lot of people jump to the demi category not because they are, but because they see it as wanting to hold off for sex until you really know someone. That is not the case for me at all. I feel no sexual attraction to any person of any gender, and I very very rarely feel a romantic attachment to anyone either. however, in my life, I have felt sexual and romantic attraction to people. this only started to come about after I had known them for over a year. The only reason I used to date people when I was younger was because others were doing it, or if I did not want to hurt the feelings of someone who asked me out. After a long period of time (with my significant other) feelings actually started to develop. I didn't even think that was possible for me. even if they were only romantic, it completely surprised me that I could even feel that way. Now, I have relationships because of the hope that sometime in the future I will feel something towards that person.

I'm not sure if you still think that all demisexuals use the label as an excuse for a lifestyle or framework for intimacy. But all of my experiences with people around me and my life tell me that that is not the case at all. sometimes it can be very hard to understand someone who is different. I've tried explaining my lack of attraction to sexual people. they just didn't get it. And I suppose it makes sense that there will be people in this community that do not understand how one can be the way I am.

I hope what I said makes sense, and I hope some of it can help others :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reading through the Wiki and the forums, Demisexual is an accurate identification of me.

I hope this isn't too polemical of me, but:

I don't consider demisexuality an /orientation/. It really seems to be more of a /lifestyle/; a kind of framework for intimacy; a flavor; even a kind of obsession or fetish. Calling demisexuality its own type of orientation would be like saying a heavy BDSM fetishist, who could not maintain interest in (and avoids) non-BDSM relationships, to have their own sexual orientation "BDSM-sexual."

These discussions of Gray-A, demi-sexuality, and certain forms of asexuality, as their own kinds of /sexual orientations/ are too heavily based on trying to flee from the menace of giant Strawmen of the Sexual Revolution -- Strawmen that presuppose /sex/ as the primary basis for establishing a relationship. So, coining new orientations simply to describe alternative demands from relationships outside of a strictly sexual context seems like a reactionary and rebellious response to the Sexual Revolution -- that we should accept this Strawman's definition of intimacy as being /sexually defined/, and therefore /categorically/ cut ourselves off from these orientations, for no reason other than because we have different demands from our intimate relationships.

However, many societies and communities -- both historically and contemporary -- do not emphasize sexual pleasure, or even the notion of romance, as a factor for coupling. In /many/ societies there is a tradition of pursuing a partner for the purpose of building secure families and economic stability -- not sex -- not even romance. These views are almost always mocked by pop culture and mass media as insensitive, shallow, barbaric, and slavish, but they certainly exists -- and many of these people do not consider themselves their own special kind of sexual orientation.

Emphasis on pursuing romance and finding true love (which is another thing emphasized with the sexual revolution -- it wasn't just about sex) was historically something that was enjoyed pretty much exclusively by aristocratic, wealthy classes, and later literate persons, who would try to frame their relationships in a higher, transcending, mythopoetic sense, to find that one true love. People were content in stable, a-romantic marriages. True love, of course happened among the non-elite, but it was /so much/ less of an obsessive life-goal than we see nowadays.

To much of my surprise, this enormous emphasis on /romance/ throughout all cultures at the stage in the game, is something that has also snuck its way into the asexual community. And it is something that we really do take it for granted when we are considering the intimate possibilities of asexuality. In fact, it seems to many of us who identify themselves as asexual, are even more obsessed with finding true love and authentic romance, than those that we have labeled "sexual" people. So, really, is it its own form of sexual orientation, or is it like a kind of Queer-dom in reverse...?

And with that, I hope the above is ranty enough for /this/ forum!

well, I understand what you are trying to say, and I do believe a lot of people jump to the demi category not because they are, but because they see it as wanting to hold off for sex until you really know someone. That is not the case for me at all. I feel no sexual attraction to any person of any gender, and I very very rarely feel a romantic attachment to anyone either. however, in my life, I have felt sexual and romantic attraction to people. this only started to come about after I had known them for over a year. The only reason I used to date people when I was younger was because others were doing it, or if I did not want to hurt the feelings of someone who asked me out. After a long period of time (with my significant other) feelings actually started to develop. I didn't even think that was possible for me. even if they were only romantic, it completely surprised me that I could even feel that way. Now, I have relationships because of the hope that sometime in the future I will feel something towards that person.

I'm not sure if you still think that all demisexuals use the label as an excuse for a lifestyle or framework for intimacy. But all of my experiences with people around me and my life tell me that that is not the case at all. sometimes it can be very hard to understand someone who is different. I've tried explaining my lack of attraction to sexual people. they just didn't get it. And I suppose it makes sense that there will be people in this community that do not understand how one can be the way I am.

I hope what I said makes sense, and I hope some of it can help others :)

Yes, I believe that some people might use that label, to hold off from the actual sexual feelings they have, like you said.

That makes it difficult to be taken seriously for those of us, who aren't holding back, but just don't feel sexual very often.

Actually I feel like I'm on my own team. I must have the lowest sex drive possible - and yet not low enough to call myself ace.

I do feel it, but very seldom, like twice a year in a couple days. And only if I'm "emotionally activated", like falling in love/starting to like someone I've known a while.

The strange thing is, it's not a moral choice for me. I don't hold back my desire because I'm afraid of being emotionally hurt.

But yes ofcourse it does hurt my emotions that I'm expected to feel something I don't feel very often. My need is very low.

My sexdrive apparantly depends on loving emotions in an existing relationship or a new special someone I can possibly experience that with.

I have been avoiding the thought of relationships for a while, because indeed it is hurtful that I cannot live up to what an average (sexual)man expects in a longer relationship.

I have had 4 relationships with sexual men.

After the first rosy red days on cloud nine, my libido drops drastically and shows up 4-6 months after, lasts a couple days, then about 4-6 months after it comes back a few days, etc.

Also through the last 5 years my interest in sexual activities, when I have been "emotionally activated", has decreased quite a bit. I feel it lesser and lesser. But my life-quality, across the board, just keep going upwards! :huh: :lol:...

Link to post
Share on other sites

By every explanation people have given, I am DEFINITELY demi. My only issue is just that, why do we need a NAME for only wanting to have sex with someone you love? Do you understand what I mean, OwlSaint? But I do understand how it's unusual not to be sexually attracted to people in general. So, I am demi. Have we decided that half-heart thing is the official symbol?

Oh and for all of those who posted in my topic and helped me figure out demisexuality, thanks very much. :)

I told my boyfriend about it; he thinks it's cool. :)

I want to be all "demi pride" but since most people don't even know what asexuality is, they'd probably be confused as to why someone would identify as "half sexual"

haha

<3

You guys have helped me be a lot less confused about myself.

Yes. Since when did the western world decide that needing sex only when in love/ sharing loving emotions is not normal?

Probably somewhere at those pages of the sexual revolution thing...

I agree with you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheMadcapLaughs

Hmmm...would I qualify as Demi?

I've yet to be in a relationship so don't know what would happen there, but at the moment I'm only ever sexually attracted to people I've known for at least a month or so and whose personalities and whose company I enjoy. I mean, I think it's sexual attraction. I don't get the whole "oh they're hot!" thing, and I don't want to have sex with them right there and then, but the idea of sex with them starts to become very pleasant and I start strongly desiring and fantasising about physical contact with them (hugs, cuddles)...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 8 months later...

I believe demisexuality is an orientation, not a lifestyle.

As a orientation, demisexuals don't feel any sexual attraction to someone until they fall in love with that person. So they will have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend, the only one they are sexually attracted to.

As a lifestyle, a person can have sexual attraction to more than one person, but they choose to only have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they think it is right to do so.

Do I get it right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Midnight Lady

I believe demisexuality is an orientation, not a lifestyle.

As a orientation, demisexuals don't feel any sexual attraction to someone until they fall in love with that person. So they will have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend, the only one they are sexually attracted to.

As a lifestyle, a person can have sexual attraction to more than one person, but they choose to only have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they think it is right to do so.

Do I get it right?

I think you are right. At least, I use this idea for myself. I wish I could feel attracted to many guys. I am not religious and I don't believe in the idea of saving myself for my only love. Vice verse, I think that it is a good thing to try to engage in relations with various guys. But I have to deal with what I have. And I have zero attraction to anyone I don't know well enough. It is like being blind and then see again! That's the feeling I have with guys I love. I look at them - and I don't see anything special, and I don't feel anything special. And then like an explosion or something - I start feeling those "butterflies" in my stomach, I start being happy around them, I start wanting them in my life as much as possible, I sart caring for them. Before it is like "Meh, he is here? good. Not here? still good!", and then it is like "I want to be next to him all my time!". Difficult to say what triggers that change of vision. And then sexual attraction can be killed so easily, that it is also kinda a problem for me. The easiest act of neglect or betray - and I am distant again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe demisexuality is an orientation, not a lifestyle.

As a orientation, demisexuals don't feel any sexual attraction to someone until they fall in love with that person. So they will have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend, the only one they are sexually attracted to.

As a lifestyle, a person can have sexual attraction to more than one person, but they choose to only have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they think it is right to do so.

Do I get it right?

Isn't that part just being sexual but faithful as well?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I've yet to see a single person and think "hot" or "10 out of 10" or "I'd like to hit that". Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it's usually more along the lines of "could i force myself to with.... ew no".

In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual.

However, with someone I'm in love with, it's completely different, and I might as well be a "full fledged" sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or "ugh not again".

That to me is the definition of a demisexual. The person who invented the word may have a different definition, but that's what it means to me.

Anyways, I've been wondering if there's anyone else on aven like that.

Demi pride!!! ^_^

PS: this is also the most I've "explained" about myself in detail to complete strangers. be nice please *hides*

ok so...that is pretty much it. the definition on the avenwiki is this: A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship.

it goes on to say:

The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to (usually in love with but sometimes feel strongly as friends) someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.

When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.

According to one hypothetical model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person's looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.

Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.

"Demisexual" is also sometimes used as a synonym for some other kind of person falling under the gray-A umbrella. Demisexuality differs from gray-asexuality in that demisexuality is a specific sexual orientation in between "sexual" and "asexual", whereas "gray-A" is a highly unspecific catch-all used for anything between sexual and asexual that does not fit.

Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of being "just friends", which may make the sexual value the relationship less. Demisexuals often have rocky relationships with asexuals because the demisexual's feelings may become more sexualized with time, which the asexual may find inappropriate or unexpected. In either case, having a better understanding of one's own orientation and how it differs from one's partner's orientation may help facilitate communication to clear up misunderstandings.

I identify this way because I dont look at a guy and think "oh he's hot, I could get in his pants!" I have to get to know them emotionally first to start buildign that physical bond if you will. like the AvenWiki said, Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation. i am like that. I can look at a guy and think oh sure that guy is so hot! I want to be all over that! I could get all up on that guy and be touchy feely but going for their pants is not what I mean. I want to be kinda obsessed and maybe even too obsessed. I want to just be all about a guy and in their every being. I can look at a guy and feel romantic feelings, and for a while with my ex it was very strong romantic feelings and i just wanted to be in his every being, But, to get to that take your clothes off and touch me there stage, I have to get to know them emotionally and bond with them, kinda be one with them if you will. I dated a guy and the minute I saw him I knew "I think that guy is so handsome I want to get to know him emotionally as long as it takes" I was like drawn to him and I couldnt tell what it was I still cant exactly! I grew very fond of him and got romantic feelings. I wanted to be in his every being and just be near him. but I soon over time got to know him. I was scared but we tried to connect and after we reached that place where I was able to talk ot him about my Asperger's Syndrome and we discussed different things between NT's and Aspies and all that I felt a bond forming plus, I knew he was very earthy and he valued life in a different way than most. we really connected. So, we got in his car and went for it. It was cold out so we went back to his room and took the clothes off. I didnt feel comfortable so we started with me and worked our way to me messing with him but i didnt like that. so we stuck to messing with me mostly. I never really felt that emotional connection or whatever from playing with him. I learned its one sided and that is just how it is. I decided I got a very strong emotional bond between us when we played around. I got to a place where I couldnt even care if there was any other man in the same room nomatter where we went. he was just it.

Like the Aven Wiki said, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else, the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners. I only felt desire for him and only him no other man even ever crossed my mind like he was the only man on earth to me!!

I was so emotionally damaged when he broke up with me a week before he was deployed to africa in the national guard. I didnt eat for like 2 weeks i think i ate once. I didnt drink anything and i certainly didnt shower! I wore the same pajamas for 2 weeks. I had work one day a week on wednesdays and when I went to work i was so emotionally displaced I didnt care about anything i just wanted to be depressed and mope around so i just put my jammies back on when i came home and cried some more. I lost 5 pounds and I was already only 98 pounds as it was i got very weak and wanted to wither away! I was emotionally not there for a year but i got back to myself tho after 2 week. I still havent found anyone yet after 2 years. it will be 3 years in august. I havent since been able to look at a guy and think "ooo! I want to get to know that guy emotionally! there's just something about him" so maybe it was that whole "experiences desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners" thing idk. I know that when an Aspie likes the opposite sex they can be really into them and to an NT it may appear to be stalker-ish but its just strong desire for someone to love them. I get that way. maybe that is the whole still haveing desire for my x and nobody else since deal. but I know htat if I give myself a chance to get to know someone else on an emotional level maybe I can get to know someone emotionally again and put myself in a manogomous relationship again. idk. I can only try. this is why I put myself under the demi catagory.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. I identify as a hetero-romantic demisexual.

I'm in college (university), and before I started dating my (first and only) boyfriend, I identified as aseuxal. I had only been aroused 5 or 6 times in my life, mostly never in response to anything specific, and only one of those times was it actually strong enough that I considered doing something other than ignoring it.

Since I started dating my boyfriend, I've discovered that I actually have a sex drive (directed at my boyfriend), though it still seems lower than what would be considered average.

tl;dr Outside of a relationship I am functionally asexual, but in one I have a sex drive directed at my S.O.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yup. I would probably be considered more or less demi, only I have bad anxiety about....uh...the actual......... pen...etration..part. However I feel that's unrelated to me being demi, it kinda makes me feel demi/romantic sometimes. Plus, I just don't find the whole act necessary for a relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I am a demisexual. I was very open about it even before I had a label to put on it, and it was the source of a lot of conflict and disbelief. I am happy that there are others out there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I consider myself to be demi, having only grown feelings for female friends over a long period of time.

I like to touch and be touched but sex itself just doesnt do anything for me, only tried it once and did'nt enjoy the experience...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have trouble understanding what is must feel like to be sexually interested in people one doesn't know intimately, such as total strangers with aesthetically pleasing features. The very idea of sexualizing a "hot" stranger is alien to me and seems very bizarre.

I remember in college when a friend and I were making dolls for each other as a form of creative self-expression. She found out that I didn't have a boyfriend, so she wanted to make me a doll of a sexy guy, so I would feel less lonely. It was a cute gesture, but it led to some awkwardness. She asked me what my ideal mate would look like, and I said, "How am I supposed to know that? I haven't met him yet."

So she clarified, "No, I mean, if you could design one from scratch... one who could be anything you wanted, who had all of the qualities you like, including a compatible personality, what would his physical features be like?" She kept re-wording the question in different ways, probably assuming I was just being difficult or stubborn.

Finally, I made something up randomly. At first, I tried to guess by checking for trends in my previous attractions, but the few guys I had wanted in the past had looked very different from each other. I really had no way of guessing what my ideal partner would look like, since I have never had any sexual attraction to anyone's looks except in a symbolic way, always after first feeling very deeply connected to that person, as a subtle offshoot of the existing attraction.

Sometimes when I try to talk about this fact, it is completely misunderstood by people who can't imagine being me. I mention that I do not have any specific physical type that I am attracted to, and I am accused of not having any standards at all. The most hostile people I have discussed it with have said things like, "That's because you are too ugly to be picky about such things, so you have no choice but to settle for ugly guys."

That isn't true. I get plenty of unwanted sexual attention, sometimes from people whose looks are highly valued by others, but I feel nothing sexual unless I feel emotionally intimate with a specific person. When an attraction occurs, that person is the only one I want.

I once had a non-demisexual partner who didn't understand this, and he imagined that it was only natural to have some kind of secret celebrity crush that I would cheat on him with if I were given the opportunity. He wasn't bothered by the thought of it, and just for fun, he tried to figure out which celebrity I must secretly want more than I wanted him. He couldn't understand that when I chose him, I was choosing him above all other options, including the options non-demisexuals would generally consider superior.

I dislike the way non-demisexuals use the word "attractive," to mean "aesthetically pleasing in a way that inspires sexual desire," because I feel alienated when I hear it used as though that were the only way attraction could possibly occur. The lack of more inclusive language makes it hard to explain my sexuality to people in a manner that is easy for them to understand. I would like it better if "attractive" were used to mean "having the quality of inspiring any form of attraction," because the way it is currently used leads to a lot of confusion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

I identify with hetero demisexual. I've had a word for it for less than 24 hours now and am so happy to be here.

I was obviously always this way, but never knew it had a word, or even existed as an orientation and not just a broken form of heterosexual. I read an article on asexuality yesterday and found it to be a fascinating new concept to me, even though it didn't fit me properly. But I followed a link and arrived at the AVEN site and came across this word demisexual. I popped into a chat and asked what it meant and got directed to the wiki site.

It was like reading a description about me and fits me almost perfectly. I have finally found my identity and not only that, I have confirmation that I'm not broken AND I have a community. I can't describe what the last 24 hours have been like for me, but I am very happy and I think you're all awesome. I look forward to talking to people that actually understand.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...