Demi's

[Ewok]

Another label... aaaand....

It might fit me a touch better than Gray A. Who knows.

I'm so flipping confused :D I'm Mesexual!

[OwlSaint]

Another label... aaaand....

It might fit me a touch better than Gray A. Who knows.

I'm so flipping confused :D I'm Mesexual!

There are truly as many existing sexual orientations in our world as there are people that currently live in it.

Humans invent categories to help organize and understand each other.

And aces (of which demi is a sub-category so far) refine them to help people understand themselves.

[user87]

Wow, I seriously love you all for discussing Demisexuality.

I discovered this word yesterday, and I started using it to identify myself immediately after learning about the word! I like what Grey-A said about midpoints. Between homosexuality and heterosexuality, there's bisexuality, so why not say the same for the sexual behavior part! I've always thought that there were two parts to my sexual orientation - 1) attraction towards and 2) behavior-wise. But from my understanding, I'm just going to think of demisexuality as a type of asexuality, something in between being asexual and sexual. Plain and simple.

Anyway, how would one add the attraction-towards part of the identity with Demisexual? Could I just say I'm Bi-Demisexual?

[spinneret]

Behavior definitely isn't clear-cut--I know bisexual-identified people who'd only had sex with members of one sex, lesbians who've had sex with men and women, and sexual, gay men who've never had sex with anyone--but people generally identify based on attraction, not behavior. Likewise I just identify as asexual without trying to place myself somewhere based on behavior, because it doesn't change my orientation.

[OwlSaint]

Wow, I seriously love you all for discussing Demisexuality.

I discovered this word yesterday, and I started using it to identify myself immediately after learning about the word! I like what Grey-A said about midpoints. Between homosexuality and heterosexuality, there's bisexuality, so why not say the same for the sexual behavior part! I've always thought that there were two parts to my sexual orientation - 1) attraction towards and 2) behavior-wise. But from my understanding, I'm just going to think of demisexuality as a type of asexuality, something in between being asexual and sexual. Plain and simple.

Glad to hear! :D Demi pride! That brings us up to.... a positive integer now....

Anyway, how would one add the attraction-towards part of the identity with Demisexual? Could I just say I'm Bi-Demisexual?

I identify as a bi-romantic demisexual, although I'm sure Bi-demi would work for anyone familiar with the term. Meaning about half of us on Aven ^^

[Virgo]

Interesting, I'd never heard of Demisexuals before this... I guess that's what I get for being absent from the boards for so long! :)

Just as a clarification point for me, or perhaps in the interest of furthering discussion, do you think an aromantic can be demisexual? Or would an aromantic element prohibit the feelings required for secondary sexual attraction?

[Hallucigenia]

Interesting, I'd never heard of Demisexuals before this... I guess that's what I get for being absent from the boards for so long! :)

Just as a clarification point for me, or perhaps in the interest of furthering discussion, do you think an aromantic can be demisexual? Or would an aromantic element prohibit the feelings required for secondary sexual attraction?

*isn't demisexual, but gives it a shot*

There are different kinds of aromantics. Many aromantic people have non-romantic relationships that are still extremely intimate and important to them. I can see how it would be possible for an aromantic person to only feel sexual attraction for their dearest friends and associates.

Though, given our society's conflation of sex and romance, such a person might not realize that they were aromantic... they might simply assume that sex + friendship was all there was.

[OwlSaint]

I should say Hallu might be on to something.

I guess technically it doesn't have to be a romantic emotional connection. I'll keep the definition of demi to sexual desire stemming from emotional connection, usually romantic.

I'd have to say I don't think there would be many people like that though.... an aromantic demisexual seems just too unlikely. Like an Albino Liger....

[DaniTheGirl]

I developed the term primarily because of Rabger's model of human sexuality, which differentiates between "primary sexual attraction", which is that instant horniness most people get upon seeing a sexy member of the appropriate gender, and "secondary sexual attraction", which only builds with emotional intimacy. I have one but not the other, a sexual person has both, and an asexual has neither. Bam! New category!

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

[Wolf X Omega]

I seryously thought this had something to do with demi moore XD

Anyways, I'm not demi, because I find people attractive(even some men)

[Hallucigenia]

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

I don't think we have a name for that yet, but it's perfectly possible. Would you like to do the naming honors?

[DaniTheGirl]

So, what does it mean if I have primary physical attraction, but not secondary...as in, the thought of being emotionally AND physically intimate with someone turns me way off but I can imagine having sexual encounters with strangers, just for the fun* of it? (note that I say *imagine* here. Much safer in the imagination; no nasty diseases)

*it seems "fun" to me for several reasons, but mostly 'cuz I am a vain and insecure creature and knowing someone finds me attractive enough to also want to see me and touch me with my clothes off is way flattering and a nice ego boost.

I don't think we have a name for that yet, but it's perfectly possible. Would you like to do the naming honors?

ha ha! how bout "Effin CrAzy"? :)

or "I love my boyfriend so why do I want to sleep with everyone but him"? :(

[DaniTheGirl]

or "I love my boyfriend so why do I want to sleep with everyone but him"? :(

ps that's not actually true

[OwlSaint]

Antidemisexual? O.o

[Placebo]

. . . do you think an aromantic can be demisexual? Or would an aromantic element prohibit the feelings required for secondary sexual attraction?

Interesting. Well. . . .I'm an aromantic asexual in a semi-sexual relationship with a sexual right now. I don't feel either primary or secondary sexual attraction or desire, but I have a strong tactile/physical drive, as well as an emotional/intellectual drive. And I'm perfectly happy with the things that we do together, I think they're kind of fun. Mostly. I wouldn't be comfortable with doing said things unless we were already good, trusting friends though, so this relationship from my side is sort of like very-good-friends-with-cuddling-plus-more-benefits, except it's not really a "benefits" it's one of the ways we express our friendship.

I think I'm confusing myself.

[NexusXavier]

Thank you so much. Thanks to this topic, my feelings for the lovely Joleen have been mostly clarified. Of course I have a lot of thinking to do on this topic, but now, I have a cement foundation rather than the loose soil of days now past.

[night whispers]

I think I might fit this group. Granted, I haven't gotten that far yet. But generally speaking, the more I like a person's personality, the better physically they look, even if it's just a friend. But I haven't been sexually turned on by this, or if I have, it would be very minute. Hmm, not sure.

[OwlSaint]

Wtb another aven for Demi's.

DAVEN ftw! :)

[zoidberger]

So.... are there any other people out there who identify as demi? On the forums maybe? Anyone?..... *hopeful*

I have been playing with the concept of whether or not the asexual term fits me and then I was somehow directed to this topic of Demi's.

I am not sexually or physically attracted to anyone, until I get to know them on a more emotional level. But even then I don't know. I've always thought that once I get deep into a relationship (not based on physicality) that sex would be inevitable (which seems like a possible taboo thought in some of the asexual world). This would involve trying to please my partner, and maybe even getting something out of the physical nature myself.

[SlightlyMetaphysical]

OMG, that's me! Thanks for the word, I was struggling to define myself without writing an essay.

[nackteziege]

So would a romantic asexual fit in this category sort of? I guess I can see some differences, as a romantic asexual would probably never be excited for sex and a demisexual would eventually.

Hmm. Now I'm conflicted.

[Hallucigenia]

So would a romantic asexual fit in this category sort of? I guess I can see some differences, as a romantic asexual would probably never be excited for sex and a demisexual would eventually.

Yeah, a demisexual might think they were a romantic asexual at first, but once they got into a relationship they would see the difference. A romantic asexual will never be sexually attracted, no matter how deeply in love they are (though they may enjoy sex for other reasons, or they may not). A demisexual, with that one person who's especially important to them, can be quite sexually attracted indeed.

(side note: this is a slight oversimplification, as not all demisexuals are attracted to everyone they are in a romantic relationship with. some are even pickier. it all depends.)

[nackteziege]

Hmm...could you be demiasexual? I never experience that initial "OMG hot." thing, but I do feel the other attraction once I grow to know someone. It's just not really sexual in nature, it's more just romantic or whatever. Does this make sense?

[OwlSaint]

Hmm...could you be demiasexual? I never experience that initial "OMG hot." thing, but I do feel the other attraction once I grow to know someone. It's just not really sexual in nature, it's more just romantic or whatever. Does this make sense?

It makes sense. I think that would just be romantic attraction though. A demisexual starts having sexual desire for their significant other(s) once a romantic relationship is formed.

From what you said you become romantically attracted to a person once you start to know them, and that just means you're not aromantic I guess :) If when you do get into a romantic relationship with someone you start "feeling" like having sex with that person (as a sexual would) then you are a Demi. If not, then you are probably asexual.

Hope that explains it, sexual orientation, especially demisexuality, is a hard thing to explain or convey. It is kind of hard to explain feelings you don't know if you have had or will had to someone who may or may not have had them.

Anyways, I get to try to explain demisexuality to my GSA tomorrow. Already explained asexuality and they were really accepting, and understanding when I told them I was bi-romantic.

[AVENCakes]

Hey, OwlSaint already answered this via PM- but to any other demis, did you have any indication that you were demi before meeting the person you were first sexually attracted to? Somebody pointed out that I might be after I said I plan on staying a virgin till death (and figure out how to ensure it post-mortem). So it just sorta made me think. Is there a way to tell short of finding the "one" (or first, whichever)?

[OwlSaint]

short version of my answer so everyone can see:

Before I met my husband I had no sexual feelings for anyone, but assumed that I would like sex once I was in a loving relationship, most likely when married. Only after meeting him did I start trying to gauge my sexuality and realized the thought of sex with anyone but my husband was unattractive and that I didn't have sexual attraction to anyone, but that I was very attracted to my husband.

I'm not really sure there is a definite way for one to figure out if said person is a demi or simply asexual without first falling in love. I was not aware of the term demisexual or its meaning until after I'd met my husband (I didn't even know what asexual meant at the time) though it's possible that if I had, it might have started to click for me, but I can't be sure as there's no way to go back in time to before then and ask myself "does this sound like you?".

Hope this was helpful to someone at least...

[............]

"Grey-A" is a wide blanket term, encompassing all variations that aren't quite asexuality and aren't quite fully sexual either. "Demisexual" is a specific example, where a person lacks "primary sexual attraction", but has "secondary sexual attraction". Here's what Rabger's definitions had it:

Primary sexual attraction is an instant attraction to people based on instantly available information such as their looks or smell. It may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire.

Secondary sexual attraction is an attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person.

If you feel Secondary but not Primary, congrats - you're probably Demisexual! Otherwise, well, you're probably some other flavour of Grey-A. Either way is totally cool. ^^

That's odd. By this definition I'd be much closer to demisexual than sexual, but in my own head I'd never consider myself anything but pretty much purely sexual.

I mean, I've maybe been spontaneously attracted to like 5 to 10 people in my whole life. I can look at someone and think that they're cute, or even that I would be turned on by their looks if the circumstances were right, but that doesn't necessarily translate to "Woo! Someone's in for a sexing!" It's happened before, but it's definitely not something that happens very often. And honestly, I get the feeling that a lot of sexuals, possibly especially females, experience sexuality similarly.

Do the demisexuals on this thread feel that sex is a necessary component of a relationship, or is it just something you feel you could do if you had to?

Well, I reasonably can identify as demi-sexual...

I don't actually consider sex to be a necessary part of a relationship, but it isn't wholely unenjoyable if the partner is right/wants to.

That being said, for some reason, I tend to shut off sexually when I try to identify myself as "sexual" which is part of the reason why I don't.

I think the actual borderline between these things is largely a matter of semantics and what makes people feel most comfortable.

[............]

Hey, OwlSaint already answered this via PM- but to any other demis, did you have any indication that you were demi before meeting the person you were first sexually attracted to? Somebody pointed out that I might be after I said I plan on staying a virgin till death (and figure out how to ensure it post-mortem). So it just sorta made me think. Is there a way to tell short of finding the "one" (or first, whichever)?

Not sure. I mean, personally, I was aware of the fact that I wouldn't mind having sex with someone I cared a great deal about if we were in a relationship and they disliked the idea of receiving sex elsewhere, but you strike me as a bit more averted to sex than I am.

Also, I think awareness of such a sexuality depends a great bit on the person.

[OwlSaint]

Hey, OwlSaint already answered this via PM- but to any other demis, did you have any indication that you were demi before meeting the person you were first sexually attracted to? Somebody pointed out that I might be after I said I plan on staying a virgin till death (and figure out how to ensure it post-mortem). So it just sorta made me think. Is there a way to tell short of finding the "one" (or first, whichever)?

Not sure. I mean, personally, I was aware of the fact that I wouldn't mind having sex with someone I cared a great deal about if we were in a relationship and they disliked the idea of receiving sex elsewhere, but you strike me as a bit more averted to sex than I am.

Also, I think awareness of such a sexuality depends a great bit on the person.

Similar to how many people on this site did not realize their asexuality until confronted with it. And in cultures where a person is supposed to refrain until marriage and then go at it... it may never really confront them like other non-hetero orientations would. Which is probably why it hasn't had a name until now.

Also, we may be the reason all the "complete" asexuals are constantly bugged with "you just need to find the right one."....

Sorry about that >.>

[Goodnight]

A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I've yet to see a single person and think "hot" or "10 out of 10" or "I'd like to hit that". Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it's usually more along the lines of "could i force myself to with.... ew no".

In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual.

However, with someone I'm in love with, it's completely different, and I might as well be a "full fledged" sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or "ugh not again".

Hey there, my good chum.

I am basically the exact opposite of what you call a demisexual. I have sexual desires practically all the time (urges are less common). And considering I'm not a "playa" or actively looking to hook up with anyone, it's sometimes difficult going out in public places and having to pass by all kinds of attractive women!

Yet there are times when, due to the person or the sexual circumstances surrounding us, I might as well be a full-fledged asexual. Urges won't come, and desires are nonexistent and I know they'll remain that way in the present circumstances. It's a pretty intense feeling to experience your sexual outlook changing at the drop of a dime.

But if "demi" just means "half"... what would you call the exact opposite of a demisexual? (demiasexual? :lol:)