Yup, that's me AGAIN!

[sonofzeal]

Here is my foretold second asexuality interview appearance! Only a student newspaper this time, so it's a little less polished (and a little more TMI-y, you have been warned).

Enjoy!








2014 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but the article can be found here. For future reference:

A stranger to sex
Can’t we just cuddle? JANE BAO takes a gander at the lives of asexuals… and finds a little bit of all of us
Jane Bao
Published on February 14 2008

David Jay is a virgin and he doesn’t care who knows. The 25-year-old has been vocal about his disinterest in sex since his freshman year at Wesleyan University. He has become the poster child for asexuality, the lack of sexual attraction to either gender.

Asexuality is mostly ignored because it is characterized by a lack of—rather than an expression of—sexuality, according to David, who grew tired of invisibility.

“There was no language with which to understand myself, and it was really scary,” he said on the phone from San Francisco.

In 2001, David started the Asexual Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org, a website that now has over 13,500 registered users.

Members of AVEN need not be “strictly asexual,” said John, a 24-year-old volunteer moderator and recent Brock University graduate. Some simply feel more comfortable with asexuals, seeking refuge from an aggressively sexual world. John, who prefers cuddling and Crazy 8s to getting frisky, has gone to “third base, not all the way.”

“Asexual is an absolutist term, and like all absolutist terms, it’s flawed,” said John, who calls himself a Grey-A because he has experienced sexual attraction— for three people.

“I think that’s somewhat below average,” he deadpanned.

“I don’t really speak that language. I don’t send out signals, I don’t pick up signals.”

He gave an example of a date at Brock.

“In hindsight I could tell she was trying to get physical. She was trying to get physical and I was like, cuddle cuddle. I was completely oblivious.”

But lack of attraction to others doesn’t translate to an indifference to physical pleasure. “I enjoy physical contact,” said John. “It’s just easier by myself.”

“Almost all asexuals masturbate. They’d rather masturbate than get it on with another person. It’s easier, it’s cleaner, it’s simpler, and it’s just all around nicer.”

Nor does asexuality correspond with celibacy. Most AVEN members, according to a poll, prize romance. Only 15 per cent self-identified as aromantic.

“Romance and sexuality are entirely different things,” said John. “I have a good friend who is bisexual homo-romantic (he gets turned on by guys and girls but only wants that romantic relationship with guys).”

But how do asexuals manage to find love in a nympho world?

David said that asexualove. net, the most prominent dating site for asexuals, shut down due to lack of demand. “Numerically speaking, it’s hard for people to find dates, and that will change as the community grows,” he said. AVEN plans to launch a dating website within the next several months. Still, he said, members meet through the website, which boasts two marriages.

John met Carolyn, his girlfriend of a year and a half, through AVEN. Carolyn’s brother is asexual, but she isn’t. “My girlfriend is constantly trying to drag me to the bedroom, and I’m like, ‘Come on, you got to kill the ogre, roll the dice!’ I want to play cards and go for a nice walk in the park, and she’s like, ‘Bedroom! Bedroom! Bedroom!’”

“Things that I should be enjoying just feel like a chore,” he said, but added, “Every couple has to expect to work through some sort of sexual incompatibility. It’s part of a normal relationship process.”

Has David ever had a girlfriend? “I don’t like that label,” he replied, laughing. “Rather than think about a girlfriend or a boyfriend where I’m emotionally fulfilled, I think about a community where I’m emotionally fulfilled.”

“The person I’m closest to dating right now, I just bought flowers for her, we say ‘I love you’ to each other, we sleep in the same bed sometimes—she is a lesbian, and I’m helping her look for a girlfriend as a part of my relationship with her. There’s elements of friendship and romance that mingle together.”

“You don’t need sex to be happy.”

The medical and academic communities have no concensus on asexuality because little research has been done, according to Dr. Anthony Bogaert, a psychology professor at Brock University.

Bogaert found that around one per cent of the population reported themselves as asexual, similar to the rate of same-sex attraction found in the same survey. The paper, published in 2004 in the Journal of Sex Research, surveyed 18,000 Britons.

But, Bogaert noted, asexuality could be under-reported. “There’s a stigma associated with being asexual,” he said. “Certainly the media presents everyone as hypersexual—you have to be superbeautiful and supersexual all the time.”

Bogaert called asexuality a “unique sexual orientation,” a view shared by Dr. Lori Brotto, an assistant professor at the University of British Columbia and director of the UBC Sexual Health Laboratory.

Brotto was working in a sexual dysfunction clinic when she noticed a common occurrence: women and men who had no interest in sex. “It led us to wonder if this was more than just low desire, if this was a completely separate phenomenon. Was this really asexuality?” She surveyed 200 respondents through AVEN, interviewing 15 of them in-depth.

“There’s a distinction between loss of sexual desire and asexuality as an orientation, on the basis of our research.” she said. Her research, conducted from 2006 to 2007, has been submitted for publication.

Critics of asexuality, doctors and therapists among them, say it is a suppression of natural human desires.

Dr. Alex Alterescu, a North Yorkbased sex therapist, said he had mixed feelings on the subject. “If people decide not to be sexual, that’s their problem,” he said. “But from my point of view as a physician, as a therapist with a long experience, I feel that these people have some personal problem that led to that because remember, sexuality is a part of normal life.”

“Why do these people decide to be asexual, to go against something that is very natural for everybody, and most people enjoy?”

The assumption that sex is an indispensable part of life pressures many asexuals into providing sex or faking desire for their partners, said John.

“This is the form that relationships follow: In the beginning there’s sex, and it trails off quickly. Or only under duress. It’s horrible, it destroys relationships and it breaks hearts on both sides.”

With more research and awareness, he said, asexuals can be open in relationships and avoid stringing their partners along for months before “dropping the hammer.”

“We want people to understand and accept it as a concept.”

“Then when they’re confronted with the practice, they’ll be able to deal with it and put it into a category, a nice little box they have set aside.”

Comments
chris
26 days ago

Thanks for writing this article. Even within the gay community - the supposed hotspot of sexual diversity - I have been labelled as "weird" for openly admitting my asexuality and my lack (or minimal) interest in sex or "relationships" as commonly defined. I don't think people can fathom fufillment in relationships without sex, and so it "must be" abnormal for anyone not to have interest in sex. To me, the same "unnatural" arguments used against asexuality are the same arguments people use against homosexuality.

[Kelly]

*reads*

Yay! Except, boo on Dr. Alex Alterescu; he does not seem to get it.

Thanks, SoZ! :)

[sonofzeal]

*reads*

Yay! Except, boo on Dr. Alex Alterescu; he does not seem to get it.

Thanks, SoZ! :)

I think the writer did get it though, which is the important part. And the Brotto bit was awesome.

[Hallucigenia]

Only a student newspaper this time, so it's a little less polished (and a little more TMI-y, you have been warned).

I should say so. Reports of my nymphomania have been... somewhat exaggerated. :P

Good visibility, though, and that's what counts.

[Face]

It's good but it's the second article now that's stated that nearly all asexuals masturbate. I'm not going to search for the polls right now but I'm sure there are plenty of us who don't masturbate.

I just think this needs pointing out in any visibility interviews and stuff before it starts to be taken as fact through repetition.

[Puzzle_chick]

for visibility!!

However I have to echo the masturbation thing. I'm definitely willing to go on the record saying that "almost all" asexuals is an inaccurate description of how many of us masturbate and how many don't. (I'd take a guess at it's more half-and-half.)

Still, when you come down to it, nice job on the getting the word out SoZ!

[Cicero]

Dr. Alex Alterescu, a North Yorkbased sex therapist, said he had mixed feelings on the subject. “If people decide not to be sexual, that’s their problem,” he said.

Ok I get that he doesn't believe in asexuality but that's just plain mean!

[The Evil Cashew]

nice article zeal...

some of the quotes made me giggle

~Cashew

[sonofzeal]

I should say so. Reports of my nymphomania have been... somewhat exaggerated. :P

Well yes. I was somewhat out of it at the time due to extreme starvation, and I may have exaggerated in the interest of making my point clear. My apologies.

Still, you've got to admit there's a germ of truth there.

[BleedingThrough]

“Why do these people decide to be asexual, to go against something that is very natural for everybody, and most people enjoy?”

Ugh I don't agree with that. Just because something is considered normal doesn't mean everyone has to like it! People used to think (and some still do think) that being gay isn't normal. Now more people are realizing that gays were born that way.

I feel that these people have some personal problem that led to that because remember, sexuality is a part of normal life.”

No. Not all of us were raped or abused. If I don't like something it's my own choice. Doesn't make me not normal!

[geronimohorse]

for visibility!!

However I have to echo the masturbation thing. I'm definitely willing to go on the record saying that "almost all" asexuals is an inaccurate description of how many of us masturbate and how many don't. (I'd take a guess at it's more half-and-half.)

Still, when you come down to it, nice job on the getting the word out SoZ!

Yep, that's what I reckon too... :)

[Cynicus]

That Docor person reminded me of the "leaders" of certain social groups who pressure others into doing stuff.

[oeko]

it is super!!