Can I go the distance?

[Camaro]

This is my first post after finding out about Asexuality and researching its details. I'm a sexual virgin male currently dating an asexual female. We've known each other for a little over a year and we've been together for almost a year. She is extremely important to me, other relationships seem to have just been practice so that I could prepare for meeting her. I believe that this relationship could be something special, or "The One", as is said.

The issue is that I have a sex drive (I'm not controlled by it, but I know its still there) and that she has previously stated that she has none. I don't demand sex but somewhere in the future (way down the road if you will) I would like to engage in intercourse with her only because I care about her so much. She has recently said that she has no sex drive and that she would not even engage in intercourse to conceive a child, opting to adopt a child. I am satisfied with these ideals right now, but I feel that maybe I can't be with her forever in a relationship without sex. I wouldn't even mind if it was just once in our entire lifetime.

I've read other posts on this site similar to mine, and most of them ended with the couple splitting apart and going their separate ways. I really don't want this to be the hole that sinks the ship. Can anyone give me their opinions on my situation or steps to take to make some kind of compromise? Even advice that would bring down my own sex drive would be nice, just something to make the relationship last. Any and all comments would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Lirelyn]

Hey Camaro,

There are a lot of people on here with experience in mixed relationships, and they can offer a lot more grounded advice than I can, but I have a few general principles to suggest.

First of all, only you can know whether you can "go the distance." Nobody here will be able to tell you that. That's something for you to consider carefully, evaluating your own needs and desires.

Second, this is something you need to be able to talk about with her. If you can't both talk openly about what your expectations and limits are for sex, then you'll really be sunk. This deep a difference between two people in a relationship can only be overcome by open, honest conversation.

Third, expect it to always be hard. Most likely, you will never cease to be sexual, and she will never cease to be asexual, and dealing with that will always be a struggle for both of you, and you will both have to compromise at times. That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail; most relationships have some source of struggle or conflict that can't be resolved. If it's worth it to both of you, then that's great. But it's nothing to be ashamed of, on either side, if one of you decides the difference is too big to live with.

I strongly recommend you read all the posts you can find by sexual partners of asexuals on these boards (Olivier and Chiaroscuro come to mind... there are others too.) These will give you much better insight into the kinds of struggles you're likely to face.

Best of luck to you both.