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i know it's long, i'm sorry, but i need your advice


Kishi

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Hi guys,

OK I just need a litle bit of a hand here. It's about my boyfriend. We've only been dating a month and a bit (for the second time lol) but he also happens to be my best friend.

On the emotional side things are fantastic. He seems to love spending time with me, we get on like a house on fire, he says I'm the only one that's ever come close to understanding the way he thinks and feels, which to me are all good signs.

The problem comes with anything physical.

This explanation is going to be long, so I'm really sorry, but I'll do my best.

The first time we dated was for a month and we'd known eachother for about that long first. When we first met, straight after my ex of 3 years broke up with me (literally on the same day. 2 hours later actually) we just clicked. I'd never been able to strike up a conversationg with someone so easily as I'm quite a reserved person with new people. He felt the same way and as I said we dated for a month. It ended, he says, because he just plain and simple stopped feeling that way about me, which was a bit of a blow, but I understood. We both got busy and didn't talk much for about 8 months, but we have a mutual friend who'd actually wanted to get us to meet because we were supposedly so alike for years, and when she had a party thing he came and we got to talking again. We stuck together like glue and as soon as he walked in the room it was like i realised i never got over him in the first place.

This time around, even to me, it feels much better. Last time it was good and I really really liked him, but it was awkward and I was nervous and sometimes i felt a little restricted. It was as if the status change changed the way we saw each other. When we were just friends it was brilliant, but when we started dating we became awkward. This time is completely different and we seem to have just flowed from one status to the other with no hitches at all.

Now comes the problem.

The first time we dated he wouldn't even kiss me. I've known for as long as I've known Tony that he had something major against sex. He won't watch sex scenes in movies, or any scene where anyone is even semi naked. He never talked about sex, it was like it grossed him out. I asked him back then what his issue with it as, like whether it was a moral objection or something, and he gave me a speech about how the act of sex has been cheapened or something. I felt at the time that wasn't the reason and he's since confirmed that.

He doesn't want to have kids, he doesn't want to get married and at first I thought he had a committment problem. Now, I'm perhaps starting to think that, obviously being asexual would affect the want to have biological children, but that maybe the connection between marriage and sex, the assumption that the former must constitte the latter, may also be a reason for this.

As I was saying, this time around emotionally we seem much more stable, and thank goodness this time he even kissed me :). We have not done anything else (yes, very juvenile i know. we're only 18 anyway :P). Everything seemed fine, better than fine, until last night, when I was over at his place and he kissed me and we got into one of those "sessions" and suddenly he stopped, as he does most times (though he usually starts again) and asked "what do you feel? When..that's not happening? Do you feel like...lost?". I asked him what on earth he was going on about, as you would lol. He went on to explain that while doing things he felt fine, and he wanted to do them or he wouldn't have done them in the first place, but when he stops he feels... "confused" he put it. He says he doesn't know what other way to put it, "confused, like i'm mad at myself. Like the energy you get when you're angry at something."

We talked about it a little and I suggested that maybe, after all those years of feelin so negatively about anything sexual or physical, he was of course going to feel angry at himself for going through with something he had for so long felt so badly towards. And that of course that was going to make him feel confused, conflicting feelings and all.

But upon thinking about it I wondered if maybe he thinks he wants to do these things when he's doing them because it's so ingrained that they're expected of him. And then when he stops that expectation is lessened and he gets a tatse of the discomfort he might have felt if he didn't feel so obliged on such a core level.

When I started thinking about it I realised he never feels sexually aroused, or he never seems to. He says he's never understood the meaning of "hot", as such. When we are ever doing anything, he's never physically aroused, that I can feel (we're getting into the nitty gritty here, i know)....I just don't know, I don't know what to think.

I gently asked him what his reason was, for being so against physicality, and he just simply won't tell me. I mean, he was very nice about saying that lol, but the fact of the matter is he doesn't want to tell me, and I don't want to push him into doing so, number one because I respect him too much for that, and number two because I know that would scare him away. He feels like he can trust me because I'm the only person that doesn't push him to conform with their view of what's expected of him, and the only one that doesn't put any kinds of conventional oressures on him. So I thought the only real way to get any opinion on this would be to put it to someone else.

Does my boyfriend sound asexual? I know, from reading, that some asexuals enjoy a degree of physicality. I just wonder if perhaps we're pushing limitations on that he doesn't even know he has.

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CrazyCatLover

It does sound like he might be asexual. He may not even be aware of this. Do you think you could show him this website? I wish I could give you some more insight and/or advice, but you will get other responses soon.

I noticed this is your first post, so I allow me to wish you a warm welcome and offer you some customary cake: :cake:

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Yes, that could very well be a description of an asexual.

A note of caution, though...

The phrase "confused, like I'm mad at myself" struck a chord with me. That sort of feeling, combined with him not wanting to tell you about his reasons against physicality, could easily be a sign of some complicated emotional issues.

While such issues are still unresolved, it may be too early to reach a definitive conclusion as to whether a person is "sexual" or "asexual". (He may still be asexual without them, or he may not.)

Or maybe I'm reading way too much into this.

Regardless, the idea of asexuality and the knowledge that it exists can be a valuable tool. If he's comfortable checking AVEN out, I'd recommend that.

And no, it's not "juvenile" that you've only kissed. I'd only kissed when I was 18 (and I'm sexual). These things need to be taken at your own pace, in whatever way you're comfortable with them - don't let society / the mass media dictate them for you!

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Without knowing your boyfriend in person it's rather hard to give a definate answer.

It sound like he definately could be asexual (and possibly doesn't realize it), it could be that he had a bad sexual experience in the past, he could be a repressed homosexual.

The only way to find out, is to get him to open up. I know that is easier said than done, but in the end only your boyfriend knows the answer to this question. As others have suggested, show him the AVEN website and let him browse through it on his own time. Maybe asexuality will strike a cord with him, maybe it won't.

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understand4love

I'd say time will tell. I had a close friend who wasn't at all interested in anything other than holding hands all the way through college. Had a boyfriend for 8 months before they kissed. ...but she eventually realized she likes it ("it" being all sorts of physical contact). She's now married. Has a subdued sex life (found someone like her).

But at 18? A lot of people don't know yet. Could be asexual. Could be gay. Could have intimacy issues. Could just be shy. You just need to decide if it's something you're ok with...and don't push him to do things he doesn't want to do.

Good luck.

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